Build Your Own Bible: the re-re-re-revised King James

[shereads]

I wrote this at another thread in response to a comment that history has been written by men. I had fun with it, and I'd like to see how others would rewrite the Bible (or Torah/Koran/Teachings of the Compassionate Buddha/Other) to suit themselves.



From Genesis II, the Book of Eve:

And lo, it was just as Eve had said: he had left the toilet seat up. And the Lord said to the man, "Adam, six times have I chastised thee about the toilet seat, and seven times hast thou left it up. Did I not warn thee?"

Adam saith, "Yea, six times hast thou warned me, oh Lord." And he fell upon the ground and rent his clothing. For the wrath of God is like unto the wrath of Eve!




This thread is officially sanctioned by the governing body of the Revisionist Historical Society, Bible Division.

 

[BlackSnake]

*chuckle*

 

[R. Richard]

I wrote this at another thread in response to a comment that history has been written by men. I had fun with it, and I'd like to see how others would rewrite the Bible (or Torah/Koran/Teachings of the Compassionate Buddha/Other) to suit themselves.



From Genesis II, the Book of Eve:

And lo, it was just as Eve had said: he had left the toilet seat up. And the Lord said to the man, "Adam, six times have I chastised thee about the toilet seat, and seven times hast thou left it up. Did I not warn thee?"

Adam saith, "Yea, six times hast thou warned me, oh Lord." And he fell upon the ground and rent his clothing. For the wrath of God is like unto the wrath of Eve!

This thread is officially sanctioned by the governing body of the Revisionist Historical Society, Bible Division.

Nice try! The modern toilet was developed by an Englishman named Thomas Crapper. He probably was born in September 1836, since he was baptized the 28th of that month. The date of Crapper’s death has also been a source of confusion for many years. For example, Chase's Annual Events, the authoritative book for listing special days and dates, has listed January 17 as Thomas Crapper Day and January 17, 1910 as the date of his death. Recent research indicates that the actual date of Thomas Crapper's death was January 27, 1910. The error probably resulted from an honest typo in "Flushed With Pride," by Wallace Reyburn.

Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet, he did perfect it. The final touch was the "Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventer." A system that allowed a toilet to flush effectively. British Patent 4990 for 1898 was issued to a Mr. Albert Giblin for this product.

There are a couple of theories on how Thomas Crapper came to be associated with this device. First, is that Giblin worked for Crapper as an employee and authorized his use of the product. The second, and more likely scenario is that Crapper bought the patent rights from Giblin and marketed the device himself.

Thus, there were no toilets and thus no lids in the Garden of Eden. Therefore logic leads us to state that the Garden of Eden was probably full of . . .

Work it out for yourself.

 

[GratefulFred]

Sorry R Richards you are wrong...

Perhaps someone from the future took a toilet into the past, smoked some bad weed and jumped off a cliff. Any guy out of instinct could understand a toilet, or a TV remote, so it just makes common sense that Adam was strutting his stuff.

Perfectly plausible.

 

[shereads]

From Genesis, the Annotated Broadband Television Edition:


Unto Adam did the Lord entrust the remote. And he did have dominion over the appearance of all things, from the beasts of the field to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. And it was good.

But Eve grew envious of Adam, that he alone should control the remote.

"Why must thou switch back and forth between 'Jaws of Death' and college basketball, when thou knowest not the wishes of thine helpmate?"

"Damn," saith Adam. "I am missing the X-Files Marathon on TBS. Has thou hidden the TV Guide?"

And Eve, his wife, saith, "I know not where it is." But verily, she knew.

"Adam," saith the woman, "let us watch a few minutes of Women's Gymnastics. Already I have missed the Balance Beam. Wouldst thou have me break my promise to Mary Lou Retton? Did I not give an oath to support the team?"

"Okay," agreeth Adam. "But only until the commercial is over." And lo, he did take aim with the remote; yea, with the remote which the Lord had made, did Adam take aim.

Slowly did he scroll the channels, pausing to gaze upon each gift of the Lord. One by one did Adam look upon them: the Cartoon Network, and Animal Planet and CNN Headline News.

"Thou art doing this on purpose," accuseth Eve. "Thou knowest the Olympics are on Channel 6."

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there...Look! It's the episode where Mulder is a skeptic and Scully is a vampire."

And Eve did gnash her teeth. "Yahweh," she cried, "Dost thou not see what I put up with?"

"Eve, I am trying to hear this."

"Hast thou no consideration for anybody but thyself?"

"If you can stop talking for two seconds, the scene will be over and you can watch your stupid gymnasts."

Verily did Eve then covet the remote. For she did not like X-Files, and Adam knew it. She did not hate X-Files as she hated Benny Hill. But her husband would watch that, too.

And Scully biteth Mulder. And the Lord decreed a station break.

"Can we see something I like now?" asketh his wife.

Then did Adam reach for his beverage, and did lift it. And lo! Upon the surface was a water mark, and the surface was the coffee table, and it was new.

"Look what thou has done in thy carelessness," saith Eve. "Thou hast been asked a thousand times - nay, a thousand times a thousand - to use a coaster. But dost thou listen?"

And her husband mopped the water ring with the side of his fist, but it did smear.

 

[alyxen]

Ok, if Shereads starts selling her own bible, I would definitely buy it.

 

[cloudy]

But, lo! There came a time unto the world when Adam was lost, and Eve, in her wisdom, did sayeth unto him, "Stop at yon market, and let us findeth our way."

Adam did not listen to the wisdom falling from Eve's lips, and chose to continue on his wayward path. And they were lost, for forty days and forty nights.

Until Eve finally did threaten him with lonely nights in Gehenna, and he did stop, and asked a wanderer on the side of the path.

And it was good.

 

[shereads]

From Genesis for Boys, the Testosterone Edition, which is believed to have been written in response to Cloudy's version:

"Adam," spake the Lord. "Hast thou lost thy way?"

"I was lost," said the man. "But I am found."'

But Adam knew in his heart that the Lord was displeased, and he was sore afraid.

"Have I not told thee to ask no man for guidance? Have I not promised to set you upon the path of righteousness?"

"Thou hast said these things, oh Lord. But Eve, my wife, bade me stop for directions."

But the Lord wasn't buying it.

"Thou art faithless! Thou hast let Eve drag thee around by thine private parts, and has insulted the Lord thy God."

"Forgive me, Lord," cried Adam. "Long have I have been thy faithful servant, and long would I have followed thee without stopping for directions. But you know how she is! Sometimes Eve latches onto something and won't let it go."

"Adam, who's the helpmate here? Did I not make the woman from thine own rib? And have ye not been given dominion over all things?"

Saith Adam, "Good God Almighty! You try spending 40 days and nights with her! Days 5 through 12 she was PMSing!"

And the Lord shrugged, and saith, "Point taken."

 

[doormouse]

And so the story ends...

Man's two favorite things.


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