Buffalo Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans, 2009

[KingOrfeo]

Our long wait is over! The Buffalo Beast's "50 Most Loathsome Americans, 2009," is now out! A few choice items:

35. Teabaggers
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. “Obama is a ‘communist’ “). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker hill.

Too lenient. Floor open for nominations as to alternative punishments. Let's get creative!

33. Orly Taitz
Charges: The mother of all birthers, this OC-based dentist, lawyer, uber-Zionist and all around lunatic spent ‘09 spreading crazy like the flu, and making the legal profession look even more unseemly than usual. She sought to stay an Army doctor’s deployment to Iraq on the grounds that Obama’s presidency is illegal, and when the judge refused to hear the case, she accused him of treason repeatedly, although her client took pains to disavow her as her lawyer in a letter Taitz deemed a forgery. Taitz would know, as submitting badly forged foreign birth certificates as evidence is a favorite practice. In addition to her fevered, baseless agitations against Obama, she runs the gamut of paranoia typical to medication-deprived schizos: FEMA camps, Hugo Chavez-controlled U.S. voting software, and killer bird flu vaccines. Even O’Reilly thinks she’s a “nut,” but as Taitz knows, Fox is partially owned by Saudi Arabia. The only hope left for Taitz’s reputation is that she may actually be Sasha Baron Cohen working on his next film.
Exhibit A: “What is the real intention of this Kenyan, Indonesian communist usurper? …it might be time to start rallies and protests using our second amendment right to bare arms [sic] and organise in militias.”
Sentence: Hot tub sex with Lyndon LaRouche.

Does poor old amusing Lyndon deserve such cruelty?!

30. Joe Lieberman . . .

Meh. Too easy.

27. Barack Obama
Charges: At the end of his first year as president, Obama’s major accomplishment is still having been elected in the first place. Since then, it’s all been Reaganesque speechifying, Clintonesque triangulation, and Bushian spin. His cabinet is packed with the deregulation-mad bankers who created our recession and then “fixed” it by heaving palettes of cash at their former employers. His penchant for bipartisanship, once a quaint campaign pretense, has become an agenda-hobbling obsession. He buzzed still-edgy New Yorkers with a few airplanes to snap a $300,000 promo pic any kid could’ve photoshopped in five minutes. Obama campaigned for a “robust public option” and importing cheaper drugs, closing Gitmo, ending no-bid contracts and backroom deals with corporate lobbyists—and he was going to do it on CSPAN. But he’s done none of those things, and his policies on extraordinary rendition, illegal wiretapping and state secrets are pure Bush. Socialist? We should be so lucky.
Exhibit A: “The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.”
Sentence: A second term of crazed right-wing abuse.

Sad but true . . .

26. You
Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.

You know who You are . . .

21. Sarah Palin . . .

Why bother?

18. Don Blankenship
Charges: As CEO of serial polluting coal giant Massey Energy, Blankenship’s reputation for climate change denial is as well-deserved as his company’s staggering EPA fines. In ‘07, a West Virginia Circuit Court fined Massey $50 million, but it wasn’t a problem for Blankenship, because he’d already restaffed the WV State Supreme Court with his own man—spending $3 million in accusations that the incumbent justice was soft on pedos. Shortly after the Supreme Court reversed the lower court’s ruling, he was busted partying in Monte Carlo with three whores, one of them being a WV Supreme Court Justice. Last summer, Don held a ghoulish pro-coal rally on a leveled mountaintop with fellow retards Sean Hannity and Ted “Suck my machine gun, Obama” Nugent.
Exhibit A: “If CO2 emissions are going to kill the polar bears, it’s going to happen.”
Sentence: Used to fertilize a rooftop garden.

That, or thrown live to starving polar bears.

11. Erik Prince
Charges: The future king of the Holy American Empire, Prince “views himself as a Christian crusader tasked with eliminating Muslims and the Islamic faith from the globe,” according to the testimony of a former Blackwater employee. His sole response to Blackwater’s cold blooded murder of 17 Iraqis was to rebrand the firm Xe in an attempt to skirt bad press as easily as they have skirted the law. A self-proclaimed CIA asset with a private army, a hard-on for Christian dominionism and a slew of no-bid contracts, Prince may be the most dangerous threat to American freedom in the world today. Remember when we had our own soldiers?
Exhibit A: “It appears that Mr. Prince and his employees murdered, or had murdered, one or more persons who have provided information, or who were planning to provide information, to the federal authorities about the ongoing criminal conduct.” – John Doe #2, a former Blackwater manager.
Sentence: Active duty—and Army pay.

In the Somalian Army, please.

10. Doug Coe
Charges: As sinister “godfather” of the disturbing C Street Family, a self-described “Christian Mafia,” Coe’s forty-year role in American politics has been largely shrouded in Prayer Breakfast bacon. Although he’s not an ordained minister, his organization (aka The Fellowship) enjoys tax-free status as religious advisor, unethical enabler and frat house tool shed for America’s power elite on both sides of the aisle. Coe espouses a perverted brand of Christianity, stressing the power of covenants and the moral exceptionalism of the powerful. To Doug and his Fellowship, Hitler, Mao and bin Laden are to be admired for the power they wielded and the loyalty they demanded. Not satisfied to have contributed to a doubling of AIDS in Uganda by having Family members in congress shift millions in aid from sex education to abstinence-only programs, Family members in the Ugandan legislature have proposed a bill that make homosexuality punishable by death. Killing gays? Maybe Coe’s right; Jesus and Hitler are similar that way.
Exhibit A: “A covenant is… powerful. Can you think of anyone who made a covenant with his friends? … Yes, Hitler made a covenant. The Mafia makes a covenant. It is such a very powerful thing.”
Sentence: Uganda butt-sex.

Now, this one needs a lot more attention than it has got, considering the number of very powerful people who allegedly have been somehow involved in "The Family." Therefore I propose a punishment that involves publication of all membership-related records of any kind since the organization's founding. All persons named therein to be deemed guilty until proved innocent. Membership punishable by forfeiture of all assets and exile to Somalia. (Too much food in Uganda, and wait 'til you try that Somalian butt-sex . . .)

 

[BgMma]

What? ANOTHER list I failed to make?

Figures.