Broken trust

[Desdemona]

Lets say you were in what you thought was a loving and honest D/s relationship. Your partner does something that totally destroys your trust. How do you regain the strength and courage to be able to trust in your next relationship?


Yes, it happened to me this weekend. I know I will survive and be stronger in the end. I just have to get through this early phase of grief. Please forgive me if I'm a bit sad for a while.

 

[SierraMoon]

i'm so sorry for your pain, Des..... please, lean on us, and let us know what we can do for you

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks SierraMoon. I don't think there is anything that anyone can do just now other than remind me that it will get better and life goes on. I'll just keep looking in the mirror and telling myself: "its his loss".

 

[SierraMoon]

Thanks SierraMoon. I don't think there is anything that anyone can do just now other than remind me that it will get better and life goes on. I'll just keep looking in the mirror and telling myself: "its his loss".

EXACTLY.... you deserve better, sweetie!!!

 

[cymbidia]

Des, i'm so sorry for your heartache.


But...what do you do about it?

You grieve.
You cry.
You rail at the gods.
You curse his name.
You weep in the shower.
Then you decide you don't fucking need anyone, that a time of being alone will be good for you.

Unfortuantely, most of us get kinda lonely after a realtively short time. You decide he wasn't perfect for you, he was a louse in some ways - but you learned stuff from him, too, and grew and your time together wasn't a total waste.

So you forgive his being untrustworthy. After all, you did nothing wrong - why should you feel so bad forever?

And then you begin the search anew. This time you ask a few more questions before opening your heart. This time you go a teensy bit more slowly. This time you concentrate more fully on being real and true to yourself, and hope like hell that the one in whom you're interested is as true about who he is and what he needs and has to give.

Eventually, dizzyingly, joyously, you love again and trust again and the world is filled with life and zest and laughter and shivery excitement again.

That's how it is for all of us, darlin'.

But it's hard at the beginning of the process, i know.
I'm so sorry.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thanks SierraMoon. I don't think there is anything that anyone can do just now other than remind me that it will get better and life goes on. I'll just keep looking in the mirror and telling myself: "its his loss".

I can empathize with your situation. Te same thing has happened to me recently. I brooded for about two weeks and picked myself up and decided to jump in the pool. Not in the romantic pool, I might add. I am not going there for a long time to come. But I an finding that looking for likeminded individuals whom I can spend time with on a lighter level I helping.

Since my sexuality was not involved, I can go out on so-called vanilla dates and enjoy them for what they are: fun experiences with friends who care. Thank the Goddess for friendship.

Ebony

 

[Desdemona]

Cym and Ebony, thank you so much for the support. You both know what this is like. I know it will get better; for all of us. I'm already on the verge of the "its good for me to be alone" stage. I also plan to avoid romance for a while.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on my frame of mind) D/s is a big part of my sexuality. I wasn't made for celibacy so I'm going to have to venture out in search of new play partners before too terribly long. But, I will be protecting my heart.

 

[cellis]

Des I feel for you.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this experience.

Sierra is right, lean on us and let us be there for you.

And like cym said, you will be out there in the mix before you know it.

Because you are in the middle of all those feelings it is hard to see the other side. But it is there.

In the meantime... just hang out here with us!

We love you!

 

[MotorCitySam]

Desdemona, I am sorry for your sadness. I know it is hard to face such times, but such times do end. Don't ever lose hope.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Cym and Ebony, thank you so much for the support. You both know what this is like. I know it will get better; for all of us. I'm already on the verge of the "its good for me to be alone" stage. I also plan to avoid romance for a while.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on my frame of mind) D/s is a big part of my sexuality. I wasn't made for celibacy so I'm going to have to venture out in search of new play partners before too terribly long. But, I will be protecting my heart.

I have locked up my heart. I will not let anyone get very close to me again.

Ebony

 

[Desdemona]

Cellis, you know I love you.

Sam, I won't give up hope. I'm generally an optimist.

Ebony, I know it will take a very special person to inspire that sort of trust, but I hope someday you will be able to unlock your heart.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Cellis, you know I love you.

Sam, I won't give up hope. I'm generally an optimist.

Ebony, I know it will take a very special person to inspire that sort of trust, but I hope someday you will be able to unlock your heart.

I used to be an optimist. Now I am just a survivor.

Eb

 

[cymbidia]

I have locked up my heart. I will not let anyone get very close to me again.

I felt like that about eight months ago, Eb - something many here know well because it played out, partially, right here at Lit in living color.

I'm not saying that you'll change in this matter, only that i understand the depths of that kinda soul-deep hurt and betrayal. I understand, too, that the decision to be not-open doesn't have to be permanent. Everything depends on what you need and when/if you need to be open again.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I felt like that about eight months ago, Eb - something many here know well because it played out, partially, right here at Lit in living color.

I'm not saying that you'll change in this matter, only that i understand the depths of that kinda soul-deep hurt and betrayal. I understand, too, that the decision to be not-open doesn't have to be permanent. Everything depends on what you need and when/if you need to be open again.

I just do not think it is worth it anymore. I am too old to feel like this. I do not want anymore drama in my life.

Eb

 

[Desdemona]

I just do not think it is worth it anymore. I am too old to feel like this. I do not want anymore drama in my life.

Eb

Today, I was thinking the same thing. I'm too old for this. I hate drama of this sort and I certainly respect the intensity of your feelings.

But, I also know that, for the first time in my life, I felt true joy. I want to feel that way again and at some point I will be willing to take the risk.

 

[navarre]

Des,
Been there, done that.
I can truly empathise.
Time will heal..it always does.

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks Navarre. I know you are right.

 

[morninggirl5]

Desdemona, my heart aches for your pain. At the same time, i'm smiling because you are already mentioning taking a risk again. I truly believe that we can control how long and intensely we feel the pain.

A little over 12 years ago, i was hurt very badly by the man i was going to marry. I locked my heart away for almost ten years, trusting noone with my secrets, with the hopes and dreams that are me. In all that time, the pain remained. It was only when i let it go, begain to trust again that i felt whole.

 

[James Blandings]

Desdemona,
I'd like to add my condolences to the others posted so far. I know how you feel now, I have been there, and I suspect most of us can say the same. No one here will belittle your sadness. Don't be hesitant to open your heart here if that is what you need to get through this bad time.

 

[SexyChele]

Desdamona,
I don't know you very well, but almost everyone here has felt this at one point in their lives. I wish you cleansing during your grieving, and hope that one day you will find the happiness you deserve.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Des

I do understand your pain and when the time is right for you it will begin to fade enough to see the sun.

If it is a D/s relationship you really crave then I must stick to what I have found to be true more often that not. Don't lead with your heart in the search. Lead with your desires and the search of the magic between sub and Dom/me.

The love will find itself in the belly of the D/s relationship. It grows naturally along with the trust if the magic was there to begin with.

The gift of submission that you have to give deserves only the most honorable and trust worthy Domination. Do not be blinded by excitement or desperation.

Live the pain in all its hell while you are there for in the pain´you will learn even more about yourself. you will see your strength and courage as you move forward.

I don't have an answer for when you will trust again but please go slowly...be cautious and not blue eyed. your magic is out there.

 

[Desdemona]

Thank you all for the support, it means more than I can say. I recognise the truth in your words.

I think the wallowing in sadness and self pity phase is almost over. I don't think I have any more tears left. I'm pretty angry, in fact. At any rate, I'm going to pick up the pieces, dust myself off and move forward. Don't worry, I'll be much more cautious and my heart will be the last part of me involved in any future relationships.

For now, being on my own is ok. I'm not ready for anything else.

 

[CarolineOh]

Thank you all for the support, it means more than I can say. I recognise the truth in your words.

I think the wallowing in sadness and self pity phase is almost over. I don't think I have any more tears left. I'm pretty angry, in fact. At any rate, I'm going to pick up the pieces, dust myself off and move forward. Don't worry, I'll be much more cautious and my heart will be the last part of me involved in any future relationships.

For now, being on my own is ok. I'm not ready for anything else.

I remember when my marriage broke up that the pain was made greater by a feeling of self recrimination for "wallowing in sadness". And yes, the next stage was anger. (Well, I was pretty righteously angry the whole time, I suppose) But the point is to own your feelings and understand that they are a natural part of healing. Don't beat yourself up, or try to force your feelings to change, they will change naturally when you are ready for them to do so.
I think you are a strong woman, and will come out of this stronger and wiser. Don't worry right now about what you will do the next time, just take care of yourself in the here and now.

 

[Ebonyfire]

So true!

Don't lead with your heart in the search. Lead with your desires and the search of the magic between sub and Dom/me.

This one sentence is what most time enables me to get out of bed in the morning. I have to thank M Shadow for it. It saved the day for Me.

Ebony

 

[CarolineOh]

Re: So true!

This one sentence is what most time enables me to get out of bed in the morning. I have to thank M Shadow for it. It saved the day for Me.

Ebony

For Ebony