Bringing It All Home: BDSM and My Wife

[arctic-stranger]

Here is the dilemma.

I am married, somewhat unhappily, especially when it comes to sex. I have had a few chances at an extramarital Dom/Sub relationship (I am the dom) but have turned them down, hoping to be faithful to my wife.

So to cut to the chase--how do i interest my wife in spicing up our relationship? how do i introduce Dom/sub roles?

Background; she is extremely ADD, and comes from a somewhat puritanical religious background. HOwever at least once in the relationshp she really took off, sexually, and encouraged anal sex, and oral. however that ended, and we have not had sex in while.

Today we started a conversation about sex, without being specific? Are there are other married couples who made the transtition from vanilla to Dom/sub? How did you do it? I am interested in hearing from men who worked with their wives..

Thanks

 

[TNRkitect2b]

This is a often raised topic on here, from both sides of the whip so to speak.

here are a few links to get you started.

Frequently Asked Questions Thread

And in the BDSM Library

You will find these topical areas
Incompatibility

and

Relationships

You should find some relevant posts in both.

 

[Raeth]

I'm sorry that I can't really be of much help with your problem. Yet it seems that things can't continue as they are forever... so at some point I imagine you will have to go for it. I guess that's why you are posting this in the first place.

I have found that the best way to go about things like this in my marriage is just by talking about it, or by writing fantasies in stories that I give my wife every now and then. ::shrugs:: Of course, trying to get your "normal" sex life back on track might be goal #1.

I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck Arctic...

-Travis

 

[redelicious]

I'm not a Dom/me, but I'll throw this out anyway. If you havn't already done this, ask her about those times when she "really took off, sexually." What did she like and not like during those times? Why does she think things are different now, and what would she need to get back to how things were?

I know what you're going through isn't easy. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Guest]

Here is the dilemma.

I am married, somewhat unhappily, especially when it comes to sex. I have had a few chances at an extramarital Dom/Sub relationship (I am the dom) but have turned them down, hoping to be faithful to my wife.

So to cut to the chase--how do i interest my wife in spicing up our relationship? how do i introduce Dom/sub roles?

Background; she is extremely ADD, and comes from a somewhat puritanical religious background. HOwever at least once in the relationshp she really took off, sexually, and encouraged anal sex, and oral. however that ended, and we have not had sex in while.

Today we started a conversation about sex, without being specific? Are there are other married couples who made the transtition from vanilla to Dom/sub? How did you do it? I am interested in hearing from men who worked with their wives..

Thanks

Yah know..That description sounds familiar...
Could I suggest ( and yeah, I know it won't be easy) that you try to get her to consult a profesional.
One of those brain chemistry things..
Hmmm Perhaps you are not having sex because her sex drive has dropped to nil?
Seen that happen.
And then it will cycle back up all the way to overdrive?

 

[shy slave]

I am sorry to read of your issues.

As TNR said it appears alot so you are not alone.

Phoenix Stone who used to post a grat deal was a sub trying to get her husband to try being a Dom.
Her expression was vanilla with choc sprinkles. I know it wasn't easy for her.

As someone who still struggles with some of my fantasies (I once threw all info reading material everything in the bin) due to my Catholic upbringing; I klnow religion can casue tremendous guilt feelings and a lack of self-worth.

It may be that she needs to work out these issues before you go any further.

Tell me to mind my own business if I am completly wrong and fingers crossed that in time you will be able to work through the issues xx

 

[Zaudika]

First off.. I wanted to say good for you on staying faithful to your wife. There are many MANY people out there that would not have. It alone shows that you're a good person.

Only ideas I can share are based around ones already mentioned. Communicate. Instead of just asking what she's interest in, do some research, bring ideas to her.

There are many times that I was hesitant to ask my Dom if some new experience might interest him. Worried he would hate the idea or that it would be a turn off, etc. Over the time I've gotten to know him, I've figured out that I can bring ANYTHING to the table and he'll discuss openly with me whether or not he has an interest in it.

If you can, bring a list of ideas, write them down, look up information. Approach it in a friendly and curious way. Tell her this interests you a lot and that you'd really like to see if any of it interests her. You might be surprised.

Opening the lines of communication over something like this, can open many doors to your relationship and also very possibly create a much happier marriage for you both.

 

[Angie420]

We just fixed this same problem in our marriage! I am the woman and I was just not interested in sex, at all. We were pretty much vanilla (if you don't count anal and oral). There are times when I would get in the mood.....someone said you should ask her what it was that helped her "really take off". I agree. For me, I would go to literotica and/or download some porn to get in the mood. BUT, I would need to WANT to get in the mood. There were times when I wasn't in the mood because I felt fat or depressed. Other times I didn't feel like I connected with my husband (because we were fighting). Speaking from experience, there are a million things that could cause her not to be in the mood (even for prolonged periods of time).

When it comes to our, now, M/s relationship. It was my idea, so I can't really help you there. But, I had to get my husband into it. The movie the Secretary was a good conversation starter, and it got both of us really hot, too.

What made things "click" in my mind, was the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr Laura (I know, it's odd, huh?). I was getting high (smoked a big fatty) and contemplating...."submit to your man"....then I just kept thinking, getting deeper and deeper and wetter and wetter.

I don't know if I would suggest she seek counseling, though, if my husband had suggested that I probably would have rejected it completely. Just look at the entire picture. It could be anything that is making her this way. Depending on how things are between you, talking would be the best route.

***Also wanted to say good for you for being faithful!!

 

[arctic-stranger]

Thanks for th encouragement.

Since my first post:

1) I decided to see a doc about MY depression. Ironically, making the decision made me more depressed ( ) but also gives me hope that things can get better. If i am starting from a stronger place, I hope to bring her to that place with me.

2) I started a journal for her. I bought two notebooks, and will be writing in one, while she is reading in the other. There are just things i cannot, or dont want to say face to face. She has the option of writing back if she wishes, but i told her this was for ME, and i had no expectations on her part....

We will see what happens.

PS

i have made some cool friends here....thanks all of you!

 

[Angie420]

Oooo That sounds like a GREAT idea!! If I were her (not knowing all of the situation) I would be really touched that your making such an effort.

I hope everything works out for you guys

 

[Despina]

It's difficult to respond without making a few assumptions and I'm not fond of being made to look an ass, but I'll just put in one thing that came to mind.

If you're not having sex at all, I wouldn't try to push anything new. When I quit having sex in my marriage it was for emotional reasons, NOT because my sex drive went anywhere. If anything, being so horny and unsatisfied physically only made the emotionally lacking areas worse. If I were you, I'd want to find out what the root of her chilliness is and fix that first. Often times, when something that smothering is lifted, the freedom and want to try new things is automatic.

Good luck.

~Despina