Bringing a girl to her first orgasm?

[CelticKnotted]

I have been seeing a girl for about four months now and thus far failed to bring her to orgasm. I have been with a number of women in the past, and I have always been able to successfully bring them to orgasm within five "sexual encounters" (oral, fingering, etc.). In fact, prior to this, every girl I've had intercourse with I've gotten off.

I certainly am not a perfect lover, but I have never had any sort of stamina problems, am passionate, dominant, and sensual. Sex has always come naturally to me, a bit like how some people are natural athletes or natural dancers.

So I'm a bit stumped with this one. She warned me before we had sex the first time that she had never gotten off before, and thus I never pressed the issue--I know that the psychological pressure of having an orgasm can be the biggest impediment to it. I just make sure she feels good and is enjoying the moment. She's told me a few times how close she has felt to it, and a couple of times has said "You're gonna make me cum!" But she never has, despite telling me that I am the best that she's ever had (she's only 22, so this might not mean much), and that she always feels satisfied when we do have sex.

A previous boyfriend bought her a vibrator, but she doesn't use it, nor does she masturbate. I don't think she feels dirty about it, as she does not seem to be sexually inhibited at all, she does says that she doesn't really enjoy doing it.

The one thing that she doesn't permit, which is kind of annoying, is that she will not let me go down on her. From prior experience, I know a lot of girls need to be orally stimulated, so this might be part of the holdup.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to solve this puzzle.

CK

 

[cum2ut]

I have been seeing a girl for about four months now and thus far failed to bring her to orgasm. I have been with a number of women in the past, and I have always been able to successfully bring them to orgasm within five "sexual encounters" (oral, fingering, etc.). In fact, prior to this, every girl I've had intercourse with I've gotten off.

I certainly am not a perfect lover, but I have never had any sort of stamina problems, am passionate, dominant, and sensual. Sex has always come naturally to me, a bit like how some people are natural athletes or natural dancers.

So I'm a bit stumped with this one. She warned me before we had sex the first time that she had never gotten off before, and thus I never pressed the issue--I know that the psychological pressure of having an orgasm can be the biggest impediment to it. I just make sure she feels good and is enjoying the moment. She's told me a few times how close she has felt to it, and a couple of times has said "You're gonna make me cum!" But she never has, despite telling me that I am the best that she's ever had (she's only 22, so this might not mean much), and that she always feels satisfied when we do have sex.

A previous boyfriend bought her a vibrator, but she doesn't use it, nor does she masturbate. I don't think she feels dirty about it, as she does not seem to be sexually inhibited at all, she does says that she doesn't really enjoy doing it.

The one thing that she doesn't permit, which is kind of annoying, is that she will not let me go down on her. From prior experience, I know a lot of girls need to be orally stimulated, so this might be part of the holdup.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to solve this puzzle.

CK

Sounds like she needs to see a dr. It might be something medical. If she checks out medically, perhaps there's something psychological. She might have something that happened that she doesn't even remember. But either way, the fact she hasn't had one ever, would worry me if I was her.

 

[mrtomthumb]

oohhhhh,,

best of luck on that ,,,, I would say if she already warned you she has difficulty then it could be as stated medical or mental. I think you need to ask yourself DO I feel lucky?

Are you willing to put the time and effort on this?

do you really like her?

then it would probably be worth it.

also how important is that to you...that she orgasms?

I personally would be hard pressed to be with woman who does not come..never really have been but have had some friends and I cant think of one who ever said.."dude.all of a sudden she started to come!"

really...best of luck. hope it works out..

 

[qrayze]

If she can't bring herself to orgasm, then chances are, you aren't going to either. She has to know her own body and be comfortable with it. I have a friend who I'm trying to convince that she needs to start playing with herself, but no, she's sure her virgin boyfriend is going to know exactly what to do to make her feel good. They're both virgins and 28 yrs. old. Stupid.

You know what you can try? Blindfold her, give her a "safe" word, and tie her to the bed. Then proceed to eat her out. Just might work. I know I have to be blindfolded to recieve oral sex because I get too easily distracted to be able to enjoy it properly.

 

[liv21]

In my opinion, sounds like it's a mental thing. It seems that many girls who won't let anyone go down on them also have trouble "letting go" so to speak. Having an orgasm, particularly in front of a partner, can be an embarrassing thing for many girls.

There are a surprising amount of girls who have never had an orgasm, and many of them subconsciously suppress it for whatever reason. Perhaps they don't know that's what's happening; perhaps they don't know what to expect. So long as she's happy and not uncomfortable during sex, I don't think there's any reason to press the issue. It's frustrating to be sure, but so long as you're not pressuring her, she may simply open up in time.

To facilitate things, you may try asking her if she has any fantasies, or even simply what she wants from you or likes during sex. The trick is to not make her feel like something's wrong with her--she may come to dislike sex if it makes her feel pressured or frustrated or as though you're not enjoying it.

 

[Bandit58]

You say she tells you she always feels satisfied when you have sex.

Most probably, that is true. Speaking for myself, I don't always have to orgasm to enjoy sex - the orgasm is the destination, not the whole journey.

Plus if you start putting pressure on her to "perform" so to speak, you end up defeating the purpose. Again, speaking for myself, if I felt that I had to have an orgasm to please the person I was with, it would be more of a turn off than a turn on.

You've only been seeing her for 4 months. Give her time.

 

[CelticKnotted]

Plus if you start putting pressure on her to "perform" so to speak, you end up defeating the purpose. Again, speaking for myself, if I felt that I had to have an orgasm to please the person I was with, it would be more of a turn off than a turn on.

Yeah, that is why I don't pressure her at all, especially during sex.

You've only been seeing her for 4 months. Give her time.[/QUOTE]

I dunno...I think that a person should have his lover figured out in at least a month. I don't think you are going to learn much more or get more comfortable after four months.

 

[CelticKnotted]

If she can't bring herself to orgasm, then chances are, you aren't going to either. She has to know her own body and be comfortable with it. I have a friend who I'm trying to convince that she needs to start playing with herself, but no, she's sure her virgin boyfriend is going to know exactly what to do to make her feel good. They're both virgins and 28 yrs. old. Stupid.

I agree.

You know what you can try? Blindfold her, give her a "safe" word, and tie her to the bed. Then proceed to eat her out. Just might work. I know I have to be blindfolded to recieve oral sex because I get too easily distracted to be able to enjoy it properly.

I actually really like this idea. I have a feeling when I she realizes how good it feels to be eaten out, she will let go, but she tenses up and will not allow me down there.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I dunno...I think that a person should have his lover figured out in at least a month. I don't think you are going to learn much more or get more comfortable after four months.

Learnign stuff is the best part! We're still exporing and expanding and learning after nearly 18 months, and it's rad.

 

[ClassyGirl]

The blindfolding and oral sex sounds like a good idea, IF she agrees to be blindfolded and let you do whatever you want to her. Which it sounds like she wouldn't, from what you said. The only orgasms i've ever gotten from my boyfriend have been from oral. I think that's your best bet if you can persuade her to let you.

And, to the person suggesting there's something medically wrong, I can almost be certain there's nothing medically wrong with her just because she hasn't had an orgasm yet. The worst thing to do would be to suggest there's something wrong with her because she hasn't had one. It will come. The fact that she hasn't had one isn't worrying. It just means she hasn't played around enough. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Firebrain]

It's really quite normal for somebody her age to have never orgasmed (le sigh).

I don't think I'd pressure her about oral. She's said that she doesn't want it, so don't push it (with that in mind, I don't think the blindfold idea would go down very well). I would focus on helping her to relax; look up some massage technique videos on Youtube (Indian head massage is a good place to start, and work your way down, so to speak!) and put them to good use. Get to a point where she's spread out and you're massaging everywhere but the very sensitive parts, and take your time. Tell her how much you enjoy being down there. Let her get aroused through the lack of touch, rather than direct touch.

I agree with liv21 -- talk to her about her fantasies. Tell her about yours (the ones involving her!). Get a dialogue going that's about good sex, not directly about orgasms.

 

[silverwhisper]

celticknotted: hey, i dig your username!

something that i can't help wondering: is it possible she simply isn't able to allow herself to be sufficiently vulnerable to orgasm? are other of her behaviors potentially related to issues of maintaining control?

if she doesn't masturbate--which i think is atypical--i wonder if she's having trouble giving herself permission to let go to that extent.

kudos to you for wanting to help. the way you ask is indicative of a generous lover. i think she's lucky to have found you.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

I dunno...I think that a person should have his lover figured out in at least a month. I don't think you are going to learn much more or get more comfortable after four months.

Four months is a tiny drop in the bucket in terms of a long relationship. I'm still learning about my partner after 12+ years; part of that is just peeling back the layers of a complex being, and the other part is the fact that people grow and change in time, so there's always new stuff to discover. Thinking you can/should figure out your lover in a month is ridiculous, and it probably makes you a lousy lover; if you're convinced you already know everything, you're not going to grow with your partner.

Four months isn't very long to be comfortable in a sexual relationship for many women especially, either. We all put on various masks at the start of relationships, and it can take quite sometime for those to come off. Have you tried taking intercourse off the table and exploring the other things that turn her on?

You're never going to figure your girlfriend out if she can't or won't figure herself out, or at least get comfortable enough with herself to explore. Whether or not you're willing to give her time to do that is up to you. The importance of your partner's orgasms and willingness to find out what pleases her (and/or convey that to you) is also up to you. Are any of these things dealbreakers for you? If so, you may want to look at how good of a match you two really are.

 

[CelticKnotted]

celticknotted: hey, i dig your username!

something that i can't help wondering: is it possible she simply isn't able to allow herself to be sufficiently vulnerable to orgasm? are other of her behaviors potentially related to issues of maintaining control?

She definitely has control issues--one of those "hyper-planners". Very neat and tidy.

if she doesn't masturbate--which i think is atypical--i wonder if she's having trouble giving herself permission to let go to that extent.

I don't know about this though. She doesn't strike me as the emotionally frigid girl with lots of hangups about sex. Sure she some, but wouldn't you say the average woman has SOME hangups. I do agree that lack of masturbation is not the norm, but it is not like she just lies there with a terrified look on her face when we have sex lol. She just says she has tried to masturbate before and just never saw the appeal. [/QUOTE]

 

[CelticKnotted]

Four months is a tiny drop in the bucket in terms of a long relationship. I'm still learning about my partner after 12+ years; part of that is just peeling back the layers of a complex being, and the other part is the fact that people grow and change in time, so there's always new stuff to discover. Thinking you can/should figure out your lover in a month is ridiculous, and it probably makes you a lousy lover; if you're convinced you already know everything, you're not going to grow with your partner.

I think people are taking the four months thing a little over the top. Yes, of course I think that you can learn new things about a person sexually after four months, but I also think that most people would agree that you can figure out sexual compatibility fairly quickly--in the span of a few weeks to a few months. If it were really such a mystery that you could not know at least the broad strokes of a persons sexual personality, then notions of sexual compatibility would not be an issue--it would be a complete crapshoot.

My point was that you might not have everything figured by the first few times you have sex, but an astute lover should be able to get a handle on the clues that she is putting on regarding generalities in what she is comfortable with, what she is interested in, what is going on in her head when she is being sexual, how she likes to be seduced, etc.

This is not to say that your knowledge of the other person cannot refine or that the either person's sexual interests cannot grow and change with time. I just try and continue to be the most observant and empathetic lover I can be.

 

[Sir Victor]

I'd say get your fingers really well lubed when you work her clit, it will be as close to oral as possible. Then I'd try aural, LOL, she sounds innocent so nothing too shocking but when she says she is close try something like yes my horny girl you ARE going to cum hard for me, or use your imagination ... Or if you think she would not be totally offended try some dirtier talk. I've met several young ladies in their early to late 20s who never had orgasms, where after telling about their deep dirty fantasies have climaxed hard with just a mention of them - in the end it happens in the mind, LOL!

 

[Eilan]

After looking at the OP's other posts, I have to wonder if he wants his partner to orgasm for the sake of her satisfaction or because it strokes his ego.

 

[Sir Victor]

What is the difference? Good for him, good for her! Why would a man bother if it didn't stroke his ego or cock?

 

[ClassyGirl]

What is the difference? Good for him, good for her! Why would a man bother if it didn't stroke his ego or cock?

What's the difference? Some men please their partner because they genuinely love doing it and it gives them pleasure to be giving HER pleasure. Some just do it because they want to feel good about themselves being able to, so it's more about them than their partner. It's kind of relevant to know which type the OP is. It either means that he's selfishly motivated or selflessly motivated. That's a big difference.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Have you tried using her vibrator on her? If she won't use it herself, maybe she'll let you give it a go.

 

[SweetErika]

After looking at the OP's other posts, I have to wonder if he wants his partner to orgasm for the sake of her satisfaction or because it strokes his ego.

That does bring up some questions for me:

CelticKnotted, has your gf expressed concern about not orgasming, or is this primarily your issue? Has she asked you for help/suggestions/whatever? If so, have you referred her to therapy or even here so we can get first-hand information?

Also, what reason(s) has she given for not wanting oral?

Finally, do you know her background? Was she raised in a home where masturbation was frowned upon? Is there any abuse or assault there?

 

[Eilan]

What is the difference? Good for him, good for her! Why would a man bother if it didn't stroke his ego or cock?

Do you think your attitude would be different if your orgasms didn't come as easily? Many women have had to learn, as Bandit said earlier, to enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

Basically, what ClassyGirl said. If the OP can get his partner off, it reinforces his perception of himself as a "passionate, dominant, and sensual" lover to whom sex comes naturally. I see a ton of "I," "me," and "my" in his posts.

 

[Sir Victor]

What's the difference? Some men please their partner because they genuinely love doing it and it gives them pleasure to be giving HER pleasure. Some just do it because they want to feel good about themselves being able to, so it's more about them than their partner. It's kind of relevant to know which type the OP is. It either means that he's selfishly motivated or selflessly motivated. That's a big difference.

I was just teasing my dear! However, with regard to just bringing her to climax motive really doesn't matter. He wants it and she wants it.

 

[Sir Victor]

Do you think your attitude would be different if your orgasms didn't come as easily? Many women have had to learn, as Bandit said earlier, to enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

Basically, what ClassyGirl said. If the OP can get his partner off, it reinforces his perception of himself as a "passionate, dominant, and sensual" lover to whom sex comes naturally. I see a ton of "I," "me," and "my" in his posts.

I was half joking, however you are over analyzing in my opinion. The OP askes a simple valid question and you are judgemental of him. I don't think in the moment she is wondering what his motives are, get real! She can't even climax on her own, LOL!

Took a look at Elians threads, seems to be a lot of empahsis on size, dicks, pussys ... got any issues yourself?

Have you ever seen a lady cum on command, it can be done.

 

[ClassyGirl]

I was half joking, however you are over analyzing in my opinion. The OP askes a simple valid question and you are judgemental of him. I don't think in the moment she is wondering what his motives are, get real! She can't even climax on her own, LOL!

Took a look at Elians threads, seems to be a lot of empahsis on size, dicks, pussys ... got any issues yourself?

Have you ever seen a lady cum on command, it can be done.

Wow. Really? I've never seen a woman cum on command. Maybe the OP should try commanding her to cum and see how that works out for him. Sounds like a GREAT strategy to me...