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The bartender was washing his glasses and an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
 
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy"
 
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
 
Bubba was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out.

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you urinated in the pool."

"Well," replied Bubba, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
 
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'...




I guess I'm the first one here."
 
A New Yorker, a Californian and a Southern boy are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the New Yorker says, "This is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in New York, there's a better one. At mine, you buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and the owner himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Californian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I'm from we have a better one. In LA, there's this place, Gene's; you buy a drink, Gene buys you a drink, you buy a drink, Gene buys you one."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Redneck says, "Yous think that's great? Where Ahm come from in Albama, dere'sa place called Murph's. At Murph's, they buy yer your first drink, dey buy you yer second drink, they buy you yur third drink, and then, they take you into da back and get you laid!

" Wow!" say the other two, "that's fantastic! Did that actually happen
to you?"

"No," replies the redneck, "it happened to me sister.
 
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge redneck. He's having a few beers
when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man, walks in and
sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say
something to the big Redneck. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you
want a blow job?"

At this, the massive Redneck leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man
in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all
the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking
lot and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big redneck.
"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big redneck replied. "Something about a job."
 
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.

Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba.

The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know."

"What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
 
What does a redneck girl say to her father when he gives her a gift for her 16th Birthday?
 
Redneck Vasectomy

One day, after the birth of his 13th child, Bubba decided that he and his wife had a large enough family. He pulled the obstetrician aside after the delivery and asked him what could be done to curb his fertility. The doctor told him to go home, light a cherry bomb, drop it into a beer can, and count to ten.

Bubba scratched his head for a minute, and grew very incensed.

"Now Doc," he said, "I ain't a smart man, but I think Imma need a second opinion on that."

So Bubba took a weekend off and drove all the way to a doctor in Georgia. He explained his situation to the doctor, and the doctor started telling him about this "new" procedure called the vasectomy. Then he stopped..."Wait," the doctor said, "I see you're from Tennessee?"

"Yessir, I am," replied Bubba.

"Oh, well all that won't be necessary. Just go home, light a cherry bomb, drop it into a beer can, and count to ten."

Well, Bubba figured two learned men such as these could not possibly both be wrong, so home he went. He went into his garage and polished off a beer, then lit a cherry bomb and dropped it into the can.

1...2...3...4...5... He counted on his left hand, then sat the can between his legs and switched to the right.

6...
 
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw!? MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
 
How can a redneck Mama tell that her daughter is sexually active?

She can taste it on her son's dick.
 
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