Bring it on

[Magnetron]

Post links to what you consider are 5 of your best pome submissions, cowpies dropped randomly throughout the forum or even offsite if the site rules allow such.

Maybe post 10 or 15 if you gots a few hundred writes under your belt.

Then we will disagree to agree with one another over cake and ice cream.

I'll get my list up soon.

 

[twelveoone]

my best?

Just to get the ball rolling

such duress o sister such duress

a bucket full of poet brains
lay spallered on the floor
loaded with Prions by the score
and lumbered in the numbered one
bio haz mat cdc level 4
and look i recognize that one
browned frontal lobe on the floor
tis peony the poet god-
dess i recognise his dress
but whats a bucket more
a bucket less i clean up the mess
just then the raven pipes in
look west nile vire-ess

 

[twelveoone]

and two, this one I really wouldn't mind feedback on, it mutated for about 5 years i.e. fragments not here. I really don't know where to take it, call it quits or what.


Djinn

The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand.

Endless are these waves that breach
this beach of broken glass
that beat the time
that crush the glass
and render it back to sand

Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.

Endless are these waves that crest
to the clouds upon the sea.
Almond scented
my djinn drifts
Eternal, beyond reach.

Slow beats a camel's heart saddled in caravan.

We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds wafts above the waves.
We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds descends in flame.

 

[greenmountaineer]

and two, this one I really wouldn't mind feedback on, it mutated for about 5 years i.e. fragments not here. I really don't know where to take it, call it quits or what.


Djinn

The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand.

Endless are these waves that breach
this beach of broken glass
that beat the time
that crush the glass
and render it back to sand

Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.

Endless are these waves that crest
to the clouds upon the sea.
Almond scented
my djinn drifts
Eternal, beyond reach.

Slow beats a camel's heart saddled in caravan.

We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds wafts above the waves.
We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds descends in flame.

I certainly wouldn't call it quits on this one. In fact, my first impression is I like it better than your first offering: you created a nice, tight ambience the reader can explore the rest of the poem in. Although it's exotic, it's understandable if you're willing to Google "djinn," which in the context of the poem suggests for me fate which can be good or bad.

I like how the poem is plodding and weary, and suddenly becomes "combustible" in the last stanza. I think that translates into so much of human existence. Everything is just "Okie Dokie" until suddenly it isn't.

The wind, of course, is necessary for combustion. However, I might have added a line between "we are as the wind" and "A scent of almonds descends in flame." It seems to me a segue would be helpful there.

 

[pelegrino]

A Few First Impressions

Stanza structure: 1 - 5 - 1 - 5 -1 - 6 (!)
It is always in motion.

It starts with slow motion, as perceived in shadows of motionless objects: the slow motion of the sun creating the shadow.

It accelerates in the 1st 5 line stanza.

You seem to want to keep it in slow motion, so you slow it down in the next 1 line stanza. (very cunning words: "Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet." You make me read slow whether I want to or not.

It again accelerates in the 2nd 5 line stanza but you slow it down even more firmly: Heart beat saddled in caravan(!) it goes only as fast as the rest of the caravan heart beats.

You let it free to go ad libidum in the 6 line stanza which I don’t understand very well in meaning, but it is very well balanced (3+3) and full of life and careless motion.

I found this "accelerando-ritardando" quite musical, very well thought out and designed and also entertaining.
I admired very much the imagery, you are really painting with words in this poem but you go much deeper than the visual, into the "felt", into the emotional. It does contain the eternal and the ephemeral in capricious interplay and (I think) the narrator just surrenders to the motion of all else and can only observe and describe in the end.

I could go on, 1201, cause there's more in it the way I re-read it, but I stop here so you get some other views also.
My opinion is that as a short piece it stands very fine, but really it could go on easily and develop into something quite longer. You only know if and how that should be done best, suggestions by others may spoil it.

Thanks for the read.

 

[twelveoone]

thanks guys, I got something to think about, anyway, I got confirmation on some of the lines. this is one that where I have no idea how people would react. frankly, I was clueless.

 

[todski28]

You have tightened the sounds up, and really made the visuals come to life. The strength of your first line is powerful and draws a reader in .I googled djinn first poem to double check my general knowledge on what they are. The drifting sand, the traveling caravan has the feel of homeless vagrants. Pressing on into hard ships because what else is there? Rather than the whole poem feeling like a djinn, it now has the same resignation and melancholy but it is humanized and comparing to the djinn.

As if generations have travelled this futile path and the peoples very soul is weary from hard ship and toil.

Pelegrinos thoughts on pacing are perfect, the way glyphs reads such an odd word to subvocalize it really slows the pace. This would have to be up there as one of the best pieces I have read. It has feeling and drives it home relentlessly

 

[Magnetron]

As much as I love all my wacky songs and polemics - if I had to recommend anything of mine, these would be my choices.

Poetic Non-erotic

Barn Star
Behind The Scenes
Brittled
Cannibalistic Bliss
Dire Inspirations <- first poem I wrote 10 years ago
Drone Strike
Schizophrenetic
Tabloid Exclusives
The Physics Of Snow Angels <- hastily written and unfinished as far as I'm concerned
Unclean

Poetic Erotic

Younger Women And Older Girls

Lyrical Non-erotic

Eowyn's Song
Poet Trees

Lyrical Erotic

Pleasure Not Of This World

 

[twelveoone]

As much as I love all my wacky songs and polemics - if I had to recommend anything of mine, these would be my choices.


Drone Strike

Younger Women And Older Girls

first thanks again todski, pelegrino, greenmountaineer - I have to do some thinking.

Magnetron, about half of these I may have commented on. Let me go on about these two, and it has to do with audience, also.

Drone Strike illustrates to me your best and worst tendency. It is a limited objective poem, you are very good at writing to an objective, often you do not go beyond it. Your comment about the title being priceless - yes and no. It shows cleverness, it also gives it away. It is a one shot deal. yeah. team. It is not as funny as Barn Star which is pretty much the same deal.

Younger Women And Older Girls is a poem I almost recommended, and should have, however there were also about five others. This is a good poem, you have a unique style of writing, this is very easily a two shot deal (at least). With the clutter in new poems (you are partly responsible) it is easily overlooked (you are also competing with yourself you know) it may also be overlooked because it does go were expected (audience fault there), this maybe also, why I think it is a good poem.

I notice miss america is not here, your comment?

 

[Magnetron]

I notice miss america is not here, your comment?

Mistress America has a bit of a forced rhyme to it.

More B+ than A Game.

 

[Magnetron]

and two, this one I really wouldn't mind feedback on, it mutated for about 5 years i.e. fragments not here. I really don't know where to take it, call it quits or what.


Djinn

The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand.

Endless are these waves that breach
this beach of broken glass
that beat the time
that crush the glass
and render it back to sand

Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.

Endless are these waves that crest
to the clouds upon the sea.
Almond scented
my djinn drifts
Eternal, beyond reach.

Slow beats a camel's heart saddled in caravan.

We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds wafts above the waves.
We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds descends in flame.

For me, it evokes chanting voices and faceless individuals traveling through intense desert imagery .....

..... but my brain struggles with it; as hard as I try to play the role of the Average Joe Reader, my writer brain wants to reword it for simplicity's sake.

Wants to make "we" into the djinn; make it about a caravan of Djinn.

 

[Magnetron]

my best?

Just to get the ball rolling

such duress o sister such duress

a bucket full of poet brains
lay spallered on the floor
loaded with Prions by the score
and lumbered in the numbered one
bio haz mat cdc level 4
and look i recognize that one
browned frontal lobe on the floor
tis peony the poet god-
dess i recognise his dress
but whats a bucket more
a bucket less i clean up the mess
just then the raven pipes in
look west nile vire-ess

I love this one. I had never heard the word spallered before. If you worked in the words mellon ballered somewhere, much aweness I would be in.

 

[twelveoone]

For me, it evokes chanting voices and faceless individuals traveling through intense desert imagery .....

..... but my brain struggles with it; as hard as I try to play the role of the Average Joe Reader, my writer brain wants to reword it for simplicity's sake.

Wants to make "we" into the djinn; make it about a caravan of Djinn.

ouch, we was the Djinn once, back to the drawing board
We are infernal Djinn? We infernal Djinn? quick patch, I hope I don't fuck around with this for another 5 years.

 

[twelveoone]

I love this one. I had never heard the word spallered before. If you worked in the words mellon ballered somewhere, much aweness I would be in.

I never heard it before either, but damn I like that suggestion

 

[Magnetron]

ouch, we was the Djinn once, back to the drawing board
We are infernal Djinn? We infernal Djinn? quick patch, I hope I don't fuck around with this for another 5 years.

LOL oh nos

With your blessing, I would show you how I would reword it.

 

[twelveoone]

LOL oh nos

With your blessing, I would show you how I would reword it.

i'm game

 

[Magnetron]

Djinn

The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand.

Endless are these waves that breach
this beach of broken glass
that beat the time
that crush the glass
and render it back to sand

Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.

Endless are these waves that crest
to the clouds upon the sea.
Almond scented
my djinn drifts
Eternal, beyond reach.

Slow beats a camel's heart saddled in caravan.

We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds wafts above the waves.
We are as the djinn, damned djinn,
we are as the wind.
A scent of almonds descends in flame.

====================================

Djinn

The shadow of our ruin moves across the sand.

Endless are these waves that breach
this beach of broken glass
that beat the time
that crush the glass
and render it back to sand

Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.

Endless are these waves that crest
to the clouds upon the sea.
Almond scented,
we waftingly drift.
Salvation beyond our reach.

Slow beats a camel's heart saddled in caravan.

We are djinn,
damned.
We are as the wind,
wafting scent of almonds above the waves.
We are djinn,
damned.
We are as the wind,
wafting scent of almonds descending into flame.

 

[Magnetron]

Is waftingly even a word? Eh, I dunno.

I had to go back and do some edits, mostly to remove my habitual capitals.

 

[twelveoone]

The shadow of our ruin moves across the sand.
our assigns it, my use is more of watching time pass in the day

djinn, damned djinn,
is key operator, in my ear, if pronounced jinn damned jinn
sounds like cymbals to me, there is a slight offset in time
if pronounced djinn damned djinn, with the d it sounds like a high hat is thrown in and more of an offset in time
they were the original three words, there appears to be a sound that is not quite the same as we are used too. I don't know for sure. I've read that there is an almost silent d in the pronunciation. "Almost" assigns a mora. (a space)
The mouthing of da and ja is not that far apart.

(Phonetic transliteration into French also gave us the “dj” seen in Djibouti and djinn, as to French ears, the Arabic “j” sound was more guttural than the French “j,” so they prefixed it with a “d” to get the sound closer.)

I was wondering one day as to why peking became bejing, peking is close Cantonese pronunciation bejing is close Mandarin, however half of the chinese I heard seem to be pronouncing something between a p and b.

so I don't know how much variation there is in the pronunciation, but even at the simplest jin damd jin it does weird aural things (to me) throw the extra n's in jinn damned jinn it gets buzzier.

sorry for this lengthy whatever but djinn, damned djinn, stays
ditto:
The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand. (although our does not affect the sound much)
and probably ditto:
Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.
there seems (to me) a natural stop after ruin and cut (caesura?)
so I want to maintain this stutter step that I am hearing and I think others have heard.

most everything else is in flux - and thanks for the catch.

 

[normal jean]

I can't believe I am going to say this, but I am afraid of you guys. So much talent in such a tight place.

I have deleted more work than I have posted right now, under all of my alts. Here's one that I was blessed to have published alongside Annaswirls in a now defunct e-zine quarterly known as The Hiss Quarterly. The edition was about mental illness, and titled Sanity Is a One Trick Pony. ( Please forgive lack of proper punctuation here).

I am up for suggestions, however this piece was and is still meant to be short.

red bricks

I have others, feel free to pick and choose, though some have been here a long time and I like to think I am a little bit better now, because some of them out right suck. Don't pick a sucky one.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I want to delete the word "my" and change "edging" to "work." the more I read my stuff the less I like it....

I think I like this one, today at least.

what I hate about a city

~~~~

and this one is my most favorite pome I ever wrote-( excluding my Kakalak Poems and I don't have copies of them to put here...One Wish and String Theory, Simplified

clear as a bell

~~~

Interaction, Storm and Pine ( m2394)

 

[greenmountaineer]

The shadow of our ruin moves across the sand.
our assigns it, my use is more of watching time pass in the day

djinn, damned djinn,
is key operator, in my ear, if pronounced jinn damned jinn
sounds like cymbals to me, there is a slight offset in time
if pronounced djinn damned djinn, with the d it sounds like a high hat is thrown in and more of an offset in time
they were the original three words, there appears to be a sound that is not quite the same as we are used too. I don't know for sure. I've read that there is an almost silent d in the pronunciation. "Almost" assigns a mora. (a space)
The mouthing of da and ja is not that far apart.

(Phonetic transliteration into French also gave us the “dj” seen in Djibouti and djinn, as to French ears, the Arabic “j” sound was more guttural than the French “j,” so they prefixed it with a “d” to get the sound closer.)

I was wondering one day as to why peking became bejing, peking is close Cantonese pronunciation bejing is close Mandarin, however half of the chinese I heard seem to be pronouncing something between a p and b.

so I don't know how much variation there is in the pronunciation, but even at the simplest jin damd jin it does weird aural things (to me) throw the extra n's in jinn damned jinn it gets buzzier.

sorry for this lengthy whatever but djinn, damned djinn, stays
ditto:
The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand. (although our does not affect the sound much)
and probably ditto:
Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.
there seems (to me) a natural stop after ruin and cut (caesura?)
so I want to maintain this stutter step that I am hearing and I think others have heard.

most everything else is in flux - and thanks for the catch.

I thought about "djinn" in my first post but decided to keep it brief. I absolutely agree it should stay. It caught my eye. I like the way it plays on the reader with the "dj" suggesting something that would not roll off the tongue easily in English when, in fact, it does with the muted "d," and then, of course, if it were recited, those listening would never know the difference. I think you may be over-thinking the linguistics of it. In fact, most English readers/listeners would mute the "d."

Now, some may think this example trite. I don't. I think one of the qualities of a good poem is something that makes you stop and take notice without disturbing what else is being. This enhances, doesn't detract in my opinion.

 

[twelveoone]

I thought about "djinn" in my first post but decided to keep it brief. I absolutely agree it should stay. It caught my eye. I like the way it plays on the reader with the "dj" suggesting something that would not roll off the tongue easily in English when, in fact, it does with the muted "d," and then, of course, if it were recited, those listening would never know the difference. I think you may be over-thinking the linguistics of it. In fact, most English readers/listeners would mute the "d."

Now, some may think this example trite. I don't. I think one of the qualities of a good poem is something that makes you stop and take notice without disturbing what else is being. This enhances, doesn't detract in my opinion.

I allowed
so I don't know how much variation there is in the pronunciation, but even at the simplest jin damd jin it does weird aural things (to me) throw the extra n's in jinn damned jinn it gets buzzier. (more like cymbals)
but I would rephrase it differently, while totally agreeing, it is these little disturbances, the cracks that make the poetry of whatever else is going on.
we are saying pretty much the same thing
see the problem is always that fine line, and audience controlled, the poet as tight rope walker, with hecklers

 

[twelveoone]

I can't believe I am going to say this, but I am afraid of you guys. So much talent in such a tight place.

I have deleted more work than I have posted right now, under all of my alts. Here's one that I was blessed to have published alongside Annaswirls in a now defunct e-zine quarterly known as The Hiss Quarterly. The edition was about mental illness, and titled Sanity Is a One Trick Pony. ( Please forgive lack of proper punctuation here).

I am up for suggestions, however this piece was and is still meant to be short.

red bricks

I have others, feel free to pick and choose, though some have been here a long time and I like to think I am a little bit better now, because some of them out right suck. Don't pick a sucky one.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I want to delete the word "my" and change "edging" to "work." the more I read my stuff the less I like it....

I think I like this one, today at least.

what I hate about a city

~~~~

and this one is my most favorite pome I ever wrote-( excluding my Kakalak Poems and I don't have copies of them to put here...One Wish and String Theory, Simplified

clear as a bell

~~~

Interaction, Storm and Pine ( m2394)

commented on red bricks. btw, that is a useful tip, I'm sure you know that, but sometimes switching stanzas works wonders.

I really can't make much of clear as a bell, I most be missing something. although it looks like my wise-ass brother hit it.

the others I commented on previously

red bricks bothers me a little, the emotional thing, wonder how it could be better done, you tie the two lines together but it seems a little too leading.

good luck.

 

[normal jean]

commented on red bricks. btw, that is a useful tip, I'm sure you know that, but sometimes switching stanzas works wonders.

I really can't make much of clear as a bell, I most be missing something. although it looks like my wise-ass brother hit it.

the others I commented on previously

red bricks bothers me a little, the emotional thing, wonder how it could be better done, you tie the two lines together but it seems a little too leading.

good luck.

1201-
I saw the comment, and thank you. I agree. I have the gist of what I want to say, but I hate how it is right now. I have switched stanzas, words, length, pared it way down from original. The word choices are even bugging me, you hit the one particular nail right on the head. I have put it aside for a long while and maybe it wasn't in the cubby long enough. But it's important to me, so I can't just delete it.

As for the other one, it is my morbid sense, how horrible that sight actually was and I couldn't help but think of that snippet. Rabbit ears...it still just kills me.... I think Eve said, oh, a bunny died for my poem. I think of it at odd times, and I laugh, and appear slightly insane, keeps the stalkers away

Thank you for your time, advice and perusal of my works. It is much appreciated.



~ nj

 

[Magnetron]

The shadow of our ruin moves across the sand.
our assigns it, my use is more of watching time pass in the day

djinn, damned djinn,
is key operator, in my ear, if pronounced jinn damned jinn
sounds like cymbals to me, there is a slight offset in time
if pronounced djinn damned djinn, with the d it sounds like a high hat is thrown in and more of an offset in time
they were the original three words, there appears to be a sound that is not quite the same as we are used too. I don't know for sure. I've read that there is an almost silent d in the pronunciation. "Almost" assigns a mora. (a space)
The mouthing of da and ja is not that far apart.

(Phonetic transliteration into French also gave us the “dj” seen in Djibouti and djinn, as to French ears, the Arabic “j” sound was more guttural than the French “j,” so they prefixed it with a “d” to get the sound closer.)

I was wondering one day as to why peking became bejing, peking is close Cantonese pronunciation bejing is close Mandarin, however half of the chinese I heard seem to be pronouncing something between a p and b.

so I don't know how much variation there is in the pronunciation, but even at the simplest jin damd jin it does weird aural things (to me) throw the extra n's in jinn damned jinn it gets buzzier.

sorry for this lengthy whatever but djinn, damned djinn, stays
ditto:
The shadow of the ruin moves across the sand. (although our does not affect the sound much)
and probably ditto:
Slow reads the poetry cut in glyphs by camels feet.
there seems (to me) a natural stop after ruin and cut (caesura?)
so I want to maintain this stutter step that I am hearing and I think others have heard.

most everything else is in flux - and thanks for the catch.

A compromise then?

We are djinn, damned.
Djinn we are,
as wind wafts almond scent above the waves.

We are djinn, dangnabbit.
Djinn we are,
as almond scented waffles our ruinous rabbit craves.

And now I've thought about this too much on way too little sleep.