Bricklayer's Accident Report

thebullet

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This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.


Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry. Kind Regards, Mike Pashby
 
thebullet said:
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
Actually, it was printed on David Foster Wallace's book Infinite Jest. ;)
 
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It's an urban legend, I'm afraid. But still bloody amusing.

The Earl
 
I think this is the origin.

The Sick Note
by: Pat Cooksey

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of me plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear
Now to throw them down from such a height it was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod

Now clearing all these bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
Well, I shot up like a rocket 'til to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
While I clung on tight all numb with shock from this almighty blow
The barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below

Now, when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round

Well, I laid there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst
When the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
Well, a shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there moaning on the ground, I let go the bloody rope

The barrel then being heavier it started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
Well it broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today
 
Gerald Hoffnung

Gerald Hoffnung included this in a speech to the Oxford Union in the 1950s. I don't think he claimed it was original. His timing for the delivery was wonderful.

It is still available from the BBC as a recording.

Og
 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The point is, this exact wording was a chapter of David Foster Wallace's book. :D
 
oggbashan said:
Gerald Hoffnung included this in a speech to the Oxford Union in the 1950s. I don't think he claimed it was original. His timing for the delivery was wonderful.

It is still available from the BBC as a recording.

Og
I did a little googling. The Internet is a Big and Mighty place of information. :cool:

http://www.dickalba.demon.co.uk/happy/12_dec/1204s.htm

In one of those world-shattering milestone Happenings, Gerard Hoffnung recited "The Bricklayer" to The Oxford Union Society on 4th Dec 1958

The text was by Pat Cooksey & probably titled The Sick Note. It comes to us sung as The Sick Letter, The Barrel Song, The Sick Note, Why Paddy's Not at Work Today, Why Yassir's Not at Work Today, The Excuse Note. (I think it may enter the rolls as one of the most-titled songs out there having only one version. Well, not always the same verses but really only one version.)

Completely without his permission, I quote Sam Hinton's historic comments:

By the time Gerard Hoffnung read his incomparably funny "sick letter", the story was well-established as a sort of urban legend. It was generally cited as an actual letter that had been received by some government agency, and I remember reading it somewhere around 1937. In 1940 appeared in READER'S DIGEST as an actual letter supposed to have been received by a naval officer from an enlisted man who was explaining why he had overstayed his leave;. this story had the victim working on a silo on his parents' farm. Some of the versions have the victim asking for compensation for 6 accidents -- 1. Striking the barrel as it descended and the bricklayer ascended; 2. Hitting the pulley wheel; 3. Hitting the barrel again on the way down; 4. Falling onto the broken bricks; 5. Hit by bricks falling from the barrel when its bottom burst against the pulley wheel; and 6. Hit by the free-falling barrel.
In any event, the story itself originated with neither Gerard Hoffnung nor Pat Cooksey, but both deserve a tremendous amount of credit for putting it into succinct form. The Cooksey version, by the way, is sung to a traditional Irish tune, "In the Garden Where the Praties Grow".
Hoffnung's delivery, pretending that this was a letter received by the national health service, is a magnificent example of perfect timing, and I practically roll on the floor every time I play my tape of it.
In my own concerts, the Cooksey version is one of my most-requested numbers.​

© Abby Sale - all rights reserved
 
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