Breakup help

[idkhowihadsex]

Before I begin, I'd like to just mention that this is about one of the best people that I have ever met in life regardless of what has happened so please be gentle if you have anything to say about her. I, however, have always been a dick so feel free to call me out.​

So last year, I used to work with this girl in an office in a country that wasn't my home. After getting to know her, I really liked her very very much and always thought that it was a shame that she was with someone. One of those things that you just sigh over and move on, which I did, before becoming really good friends with her. But eventually, things became complicated for her and she had to end it with her bf. She left for another country and shortly after, I left to go home too but we always stayed in touch.

She had travel plans a few months later and I asked her out and she said she was okay with me joining her during her trip. So we met, and we did what anyone in our positions would do throughout our time together and by the end of our days together, I had admitted things to her about me that no one has ever heard about. And by the end of our time together I admitted that I was in love with her. Yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking but I have been with enough people to know when something feels different. I also knew that this was unlikely to last given how these things have a tendency to go but I went against my instincts thinking that it'd be different with us.

She made it clear that she felt numb given the fact that she'd just broken up with someone a few months before all this and she told me that she couldn't promise me anything. But we kept talking and there were no signs of things breaking down until last month when she called me to break it off saying that she didn't feel the same way about me even though she'd given it a shot over a fair few months. But I asked her if I could ask her again about how she feels after we have both had some space and she said yes. I know that most people would think that that is pathetic but none of them know how good she is a person.

When I told her that I loved her, I did mean it and can't bring myself to hate her (not that I have any reason to) or be in her way as an obstacle. But I am hurting. Do I have anything to feel emotional about? How do I move on from this? I have moved on plenty of times from people that I haven't been emotionally invested in but the one time I thought that it was safe for me to open myself up, shit happens.

I am just looking for answers about moving on.

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So I typed up the above stuff to ask for advice elsewhere about a month back. I started the no contact bit soon after and it gave me time to think. But 10 days later, she reached out to me asking how I was, after I had explicitly told her that I'd contact her first when I felt better and told her not to send me on a spiral again.

She broke no contact, used me as someone who could text her when she was lonely and didn't care about an important medical event in my family that I had mentioned during a conversation. So, it told me that she wasn't paying attention/didn't care and I was pissed off and started no contact again after firmly telling her to not get in touch.

Now that I have taken the time to look at everything without rose tinted glasses, I can see the flaws that I ignored previously and can look at her as a normal person who isn't in that pedestal in my heart anymore. But I still can't stop loving her. What do I do?

 

[13KitKat13]

There is no magic formula to get over someone. No matter the situation. The only way over is through. Which sucks, I know, but that's life. Now that being said, you can make it easier on yourself by not being in contact with her. Just cut her out and get back to your life. Make the choice to look forward and not dwell on the could've's and should've's of the whole thing. Your life is your choice so do with it as you see fit. You get to choose who is in it and therefore effecting it. Choose wisely.

That's my 2 cents. Do with it as you wish.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Keep busy. Find a new hobby, volunteer, something to fill that time you would have normally spent with them. You may be able to one day have a cordial or even friendly relationship but it’s best to cut contact for some time to give yourself space to heal. Best wishes to you.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Not to be disparaging or unsympathetic, truly, but this sound pretty normal. Boys and girls have been breaking up since Eden. Stop reading her messages, move on. It hurts, yes. It sucks on a lot of levels, yes. But next week will be better than last week and there will be another.

Hang in. Healing happens, it just takes time.

 

[Polyacrylate]

Good replies on this thread already.

Invest in yourself and grow. Exercise. Read fiction and non-fiction. Take up a hobby if you don't already have one. Challenge yourself and force yourself to grow.

Cut off contact for now. You don't owe this person anything, so don't answer messages. Block if you feel like you need to. Unblock or reopen communication later if you feel the need, but you don't need to feel guilty about closing a door for now.

A rule of thumb that I used to have was that it takes a minimum of half the time you were invested in a person to fully recover from a break-up. This doesn't always hold, as flings or situations involving marriage or children can be more complicated, but it's a decent metric to start with.

Good luck. It'll be ok.

 

[Nubbin2Declare]

"But I asked her if I could ask her again about how she feels after we have both had some space and she said yes."

"But 10 days later, she reached out to me asking how I was, after I had explicitly told her that I'd contact her first when I felt better and told her not to send me on a spiral again."

It wasn't all that explicit. You asked for a break. She took a 10-day break and then contacted you. Who should contact whom just didn't stick in her head with the clarity you thought you'd expressed it. She didn't get that you were saying "goodbye," and not "until we meet again," because you didn't make it "goodbye."

As to the length of the break, you weren't explicit at all. Having missed your less-than-fully-clear instruction not to contact you, the time period is largely irrelevant. Ten days or ten years, time is time. It wasn't ten minutes. Ten days is a break to most people.

Then, even though you did engage her again, you got upset. Why? You failed to maintain your not-so-explicit a lack of contact also. You could have ignored her resumption of contact, and you didn't. You engaged. That's on you.

You erred in not making it "goodbye" in the first place. You erred in engaging in a back-and-forth even as you claim you didn't want to. You'd look ridiculous now in telling her goodbye after telling her you want no contact. Just let it go. There was a beginning. There was a middle. Consider this the end.

As to when it will stop hurting, no one can say. Keep yourself busy thinking about other things, and it will stop hurting at some point. Some physical wounds disappear so completely that years later we're not even sure which side of the body it was that was injured. Others leave a scar. Emotional wounds work the same way.

Whether there's a scar or not, it won't be an open wound forever. In time, you'll think very little of it.

 

[thør]

Around here, at breakup, rubber boots are your friends, unless you enjoy wet feet.

 

[Specula]

There is no magic formula to get over someone. No matter the situation. The only way over is through. Which sucks, I know, but that's life. Now that being said, you can make it easier on yourself by not being in contact with her. Just cut her out and get back to your life. Make the choice to look forward and not dwell on the could've's and should've's of the whole thing. Your life is your choice so do with it as you see fit. You get to choose who is in it and therefore effecting it. Choose wisely.

That's my 2 cents. Do with it as you wish.

Excellent advice. Sometimes though we are unable to let go. Or value the other perhaps too highly.