Breaking up is hard to do

[CharleyH]

Yes, I tricked you - this is a writers thread, but it does relate to the title and can have as much personal opinion as required. I am working on this chapter and thought that perhaps some people might be able to help me through opinion or story.

The scene is a break up and the main character wants to be bluntly honest, which few of us are in a reality break up. But my question is this: If you were bluntly honest in a break up (or vice versa) - would the partner take it well or would they start getting defensive? Or offensive? Would an arguement, the likes of which you have never seen before ensue, or would there just be a lot of crying? I am sure there are other things that could happen.

Excuse my stupidity on this issue, but I have only had open relationships barring one or two, so the majority of breakups have been more like fizzle-outs than actual discussions of breaking up.

Intrigued to hear your opinions or stories. Thanks in advance.

 

[TheGreatRaja]

that depends on if the break up is sudden, or if the break up has been approaching for a while. If sudden, people do strange things if not, then there has been time for the person to come to grips with it.

 

[The_Darkness]

Charlie,

The few break ups I've been on the delivering end instead of the recieving end, I wa honest and upfront, as is my general character. That honesty was later reported to be almost cherrished later on, but it was pretty brutal at the time.

Both girls melted down. A third may have, but she kept a good public face up. However, in the end, the honesty was appreciated and all three girls have claimed that they've become stronger because of it.

 

[CharleyH]

Charlie,

The few break ups I've been on the delivering end instead of the recieving end, I wa honest and upfront, as is my general character. That honesty was later reported to be almost cherrished later on, but it was pretty brutal at the time.

Both girls melted down. A third may have, but she kept a good public face up. However, in the end, the honesty was appreciated and all three girls have claimed that they've become stronger because of it.

Yes, this is what I am thinking. The two times I did break up, the results were not grand, even with the most gentlest of approaches, so I do not suspect that breaking up and being totally upfront is any easier. I thought it might be even more hellish. Thank you, so far.

GreatRaja? lol - cute name - the story is a Mistress and her over-emotional sub. The clues have been there so it's not sudden to her, but it is sudden to him since he did not see the signs. What stange things? If you do not mind the ask? Thanks to you also.

 

[Liar]

Depends on what the brutal honesty consists of. "Because I just don't love you like I did before" or "I've met someone else" is kind of straightforward, and after the initial chock (provided it was unexpected), would probably be appreciated, as an alternative to sneaking with it and dragging it out.

"Because you're a pathetic waste of space. And you stink in bed." is another bluntly honest line. But it would generate a totally different reaction.

 

[The_Darkness]

Depends on what the brutal honesty consists of. "Because I just don't love you like I did before" or "I've met someone else" is kind of straightforward, and after the initial chock (provided it was unexpected), would probably be appreciated, as an alternative to sneaking with it and dragging it out.

"Because you're a pathetic waste of space. And you stink in bed." is another bluntly honest line. But it would generate a totally different reaction.

Brutally Honest with a large side-helping of humanitarian empathy. It's not like I said "you're pathetic, awful in bed, and I've been banging your mom...." But I was truthful with the causalities for the breakup.

 

[TheGreatRaja]

Strange things as in Violence, thoughts of revenge, and other things that aren't normally part of the persons make up.

 

[arienette]

I've only had one really bad bad bad breakup, I was the one doing the breaking up because I had met someone else. He knew I had, had time to come to grips with it and knew it was coming, but it still hurt him pretty badly and resulted in screaming matches. We're friends now, 10 months later and happy with that but he still loves me which I know but he knows that I just don't feel the same way about him and he has come to accept that.

I don't know if that helps or not.

 

[CharleyH]

Depends on what the brutal honesty consists of. "Because I just don't love you like I did before" or "I've met someone else" is kind of straightforward, and after the initial chock (provided it was unexpected), would probably be appreciated, as an alternative to sneaking with it and dragging it out.

"Because you're a pathetic waste of space. And you stink in bed." is another bluntly honest line. But it would generate a totally different reaction.

"Because I'm bored and tired of dealing with you," which in the characters context is true and even readers of the first chapter articulated that they found him BORING (a good thing for the story). It's an honesty the character knows, and also an honesty the reader agrees with ... but I don't know much about his (this other characters) mentality even if I know him. On the one hand I feel like he will just put his tail between his legs and run away and on the other, I think he will finally get some balls. He's not too significant to the story, except that he's like her father, and not what she wants out of a relationship, so perhaps - hmm -

Thanks, Liar, good thinking post for me. Although, I suppose I am confused because if he doesn't get any balls? The chapter ends just like THAT.

If someone told me this in reality, I am not sure how I'd react to the bored part. I might laugh my head off. lol.

 

[TheEarl]

I'd say as well that it depends on the person. Breaking it down into gender divisions (which is a dangerous thing to do and just a generalisation), I'd say that most guys would get very, very defensive and possibly angry at 'brutal' honesty and most girls would probably get upset by it. But that's just experience of what I've seen.

The Earl

 

[Straight-8]

Hi Charley:
I couldn't resist offering one of my favourite singers take on this issue:

Artist: Iris Dement
Song: I'Ll Take My Sorrow Straight
Album:
[" " CD]

We both know the reason why you've called
so stop wasting time trying to soften up my fall
I know you wanna sweeten up the taste
but if you don't mind, I'll just take my sorrow straight

You almost make it seem like something nice
the way you take your bad news and you pour it over ice
That's a kindness I don't appreciate
'cause I like to take my sorrow straight

I wouldn't say that I'm stronger than the rest
but no matter what you say it ain't gonna hurt me any less
'cause in the end, there is really no escape
so I go on and I just take my sorrow straight

I wouldn't say that I'm stronger than the rest
but no matter what you say it ain't gonna hurt me any less
'cause in the end, there is really no escape
so I go on and I just take my sorrow straight

 

[OhMissScarlett]

"Because I'm bored and tired of dealing with you," which in the characters context is true and even readers of the first chapter articulated that they found him BORING (a good thing for the story). It's an honesty the character knows, and also an honesty the reader agrees with ... but I don't know much about his (this other characters) mentality even if I know him. On the one hand I feel like he will just put his tail between his legs and run away and on the other, I think he will finally get some balls. He's not too significant to the story, except that he's like her father, and not what she wants out of a relationship, so perhaps - hmm -

Thanks, Liar, good thinking post for me. Although, I suppose I am confused because if he doesn't get any balls? The chapter ends just like THAT.

If someone told me this in reality, I am not sure how I'd react to the bored part. I might laugh my head off. lol.

Once I broke up with a boyfriend I was so bored with and he got all defiant. "You're not so great either. You're going to miss me when I'm gone!" He also threatened to put his head in the oven. Too bad it was an electric stove.

 

[rgraham666]

Only had one breakup in my life.

It consisted of "I'm leaving. Good bye."

I didn't handle it well.

 

[CharleyH]

I'd say as well that it depends on the person. Breaking it down into gender divisions (which is a dangerous thing to do and just a generalisation), I'd say that most guys would get very, very defensive and possibly angry at 'brutal' honesty and most girls would probably get upset by it. But that's just experience of what I've seen.

The Earl

Thanks Earl. I never broke it down to gender until I told who said what, but ... I thank you for your take. May I ask why you generalise that men would get angry and women would not in that same way?

 

[FallingToFly]

If I can drop something in the bucket-

It always depends on the situation. If a relationship has been dying a long lingering death, the ending is usually a sigh of relief on both sides.

If a man tells a woman "I've found someone else," they deal.. They usually sit down, shut up, and go cold. If a woman tells a man the same thing, we threaten their masculinity, their virility and their sense of self. They usually fly off the handle, and slam out one way or another.

.02 of nothing but my own opinion.

 

[3113]

Thanks Earl. I never broke it down to gender until I told who said what, but ... I thank you for your take. May I ask why you generalise that men would get angry and women would not in that same way?

I'll back the Earl in this. I've broken up with a couple of guys and they got angry and defensive. I was honest but not brutal. And I swear I never used that terrible old line--perhaps the worst in all of dating, "It's not you, it's me."

Somehow I think that's worse than just being upfront.

Frankly, a break up that the other person is not expecting (i.e., the other person thinks everything is hunky-dory) is going to be brutal on that person no matter how gently you let them down. If both sides are drifting, then it's not so bad, but I assume this is one-sided. That it's going to come at the guy from left field.

Getting back to men and women: Men get angry and defensive because when a woman says, "It's not working, it's over" she wounds their manhood as well as breaking their heart. It doesn't matter what reason she gives.

This is not to say that there isn't any more to it. The longer they are together, the more they were friends before they became lovers, the more levels there will be to the guy's feelings. It can break his heart as well as his pride. But there-in lies the difference. Culturally, girls have a lot less pride invested in a relationship. A girl without a guy is lonely. A guy without a girl is lonely and looked down on (or at least feels he is looked down on) as being less than a man. As being unable to get a girl (Jocks with lots of girls are at the top of the pecking order, nerds, with no girls are at the bottom). Guys feel a certain pride in having a woman, it validates them as a man.

So if a girl breaks up with a guy, she's hurting his pride as well as his heart, bringing his manhood into question along with everything else. In addition, anger and defensiveness are the way guys are taught to deal with this. They may want to break down into tears, but Western culture says "no," act like a man. So, he gets angry with her, blames and insults her, gets defensive. Otherwise, he'll be forced to face that terrible possiblity: Maybe I wasn't man enough for her?

Easier for him to deal with the tears and heartache in private, while trying to hold together his shredded pride in public.

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[CharleyH]

If I can drop something in the bucket-

It always depends on the situation. If a relationship has been dying a long lingering death, the ending is usually a sigh of relief on both sides.

If a man tells a woman "I've found someone else," they deal.. They usually sit down, shut up, and go cold. If a woman tells a man the same thing, we threaten their masculinity, their virility and their sense of self. They usually fly off the handle, and slam out one way or another.

.02 of nothing but my own opinion.

Thanks F to F

 

[Remec]

Strange things as in Violence, thoughts of revenge, and other things that aren't normally part of the persons make up.

*nod*
Yeah, it's a good thing I was, like, next-best thing to dirt poor after my one big break-up. (Although, I did go pricing rifles at some local pawn shops, just to be sure.)

 

[CharleyH]

I'll back the Earl in this. I've broken up with a couple of guys and they got angry and defensive. I was honest but not brutal. And I swear I never used that terrible old line--perhaps the worst in all of dating, "It's not you, it's me."

Somehow I think that's worse than just being upfront.

Frankly, a break up that the other person is not expecting (i.e., the other person thinks everything is hunky-dory) is going to be brutal on that person no matter how gently you let them down. If both sides are drifting, then it's not so bad, but I assume this is one-sided. That it's going to come at the guy from left field.

Getting back to men and women: Men get angry and defensive because when a woman says, "It's not working, it's over" she wounds their manhood as well as breaking their heart. It doesn't matter what reason she gives.

This is not to say that there isn't any more to it. The longer they are together, the more they were friends before they became lovers, the more levels there will be to the guy's feelings. It can break his heart as well as his pride. But there-in lies the difference. Culturally, girls have a lot less pride invested in a relationship. A girl without a guy is lonely. A guy without a girl is lonely and looked down on (or at least feels he is looked down on) as being less than a man. As being unable to get a girl (Jocks with lots of girls are at the top of the pecking order, nerds, with no girls are at the bottom). Guys feel a certain pride in having a woman, it validates them as a man.

So if a girl breaks up with a guy, she's hurting his pride as well as his heart, bringing his manhood into question along with everything else. In addition, anger and defensiveness are the way guys are taught to deal with this. They may want to break down into tears, but Western culture says "no," act like a man. So, he gets angry with her, blames and insults her, gets defensive. Otherwise, he'll be forced to face that terrible possiblity: Maybe I wasn't man enough for her?

Easier for him to deal with the tears and heartache in private, while trying to hold together his shredded pride in public.

Thanks 3113 - I thiink I am getting a great perspective from you and others.

 

[oggbashan]

I think that it is important that the one being dumped is 'an over-emotional sub' who is perceived as being boring.

In character I would expect histrionics, suicide threats and a very dramatic scene whether or not the sub knew that the relationship was on the rocks. The sub is dependent on his mistress for validation of himself as a person. The break-up would destroy not just his love but his reason for being. That would be emotionally shattering because the main prop of his life is withdrawn and unless there is someone else willing to take responsibility for him he would be completely lost.

Og

 

[CharleyH]

I think that it is important that the one being dumped is 'an over-emotional sub' who is perceived as being boring.

In character I would expect histrionics, suicide threats and a very dramatic scene whether or not the sub knew that the relationship was on the rocks. The sub is dependent on his mistress for validation of himself as a person. The break-up would destroy not just his love but his reason for being. That would be emotionally shattering because the main prop of his life is withdrawn and unless there is someone else willing to take responsibility for him he would be completely lost.

Og

Thanks Og for your answer and more important - getting it. . I think you are right, and I had forgotton about the suicide threats, but yes - you are completely right. THANK YOU!

 

[CharleyH]

Just a bump.

 

[Guest]

Most of the breaks up I've had were amicable and I'm still pretty good friends with a few of them. Then I've had some very nasty ones too that got violent. I see now the ex-girlfriends I'm on speaking terms with were the ones that my life wasn't so wrapped up in them. Meaning we didn't live together or work together, while the others where we broke up under bad terms, our lives more entwined.

 

[cantdog]

Most of the breaks up I've had were amicable and I'm still pretty good friends with a few of them. Then I've had some very nasty ones too that got violent. I see now the ex-girlfriends I'm on speaking terms with were the ones that my life wasn't so wrapped up in them. Meaning we didn't live together or work together, while the others where we broke up under bad terms, our lives more entwined.

I think, neonurotic, that she was after details of the breakup interview itself.

Were you honest? Did you attempt to let them down easy?

I broke up with my first girl. She was being told by her mother to get pregnant and thereby entrap the man she wanted. I told her I was not going to see her again, and I asked her if she needed to know why.

She said no. We stopped dating.

She still has an interest in me, even now. I don't happen to feel any tug toward her. We have met several times, at holidays and funerals, and she always proposes a resumption of social contact.