bread & blood

[Morwen]

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[WickedEve]

I really like this. The last three lines are very good.

After palpitating, I'd change the comma to a semicolon. Actually, you may want to consider dropping "my heart is cumming -- no, running." It doesn't really seem necessary. I see no need in cluttering a poem with extra words. Like I said, this is a really good poem and it reads a little better without that part.

By the way, I hope you wanted feedback. Some people just want to share their poems and some want feedback.

 

[champagne1982]

Bread and blood, the batter of nations,
My chest is palpitating, my heart is cumming -- no, running.
On your knees, Imperial servitude;
Her heels so high: such vanity and attitude.
Exquisite dilemmas, colonial quandaries;
I fiddle with my stockings, but America is burning.

Hi there.. one thing after you drop "my heart is cumming -- no, running." Consider changing the word chest to heart. Chests heave and ache, hearts burst and palpitate. But maybe that's not poetic enough and you don't want or need the anatomy lesson

 

[Morwen]

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