Brand spankin' new author

[haremdancer]

Hello everybody,

I'd love your feedback (and votes) on my first story. Before I give you the link, though, I'd like to let you in on my secret: this is an excerpt from what I hope will someday be a novel-length story. I started writing at a part I thought would be fun to write, not at the beginning of the novel. Since this is a couple of chapters into the story, there aren't a lot of details on the characters or setting. I think you can get the gist of what's gone before by reading between the lines, but if you'd like a synopsis, let me know.

Here it is:
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=98144

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is very good: no general problems with any aspect of your writing. It's as good as many a novel that somehow did get published. The following is therefore only nitpicking.

You have a habit of adding phrases which are not quite redundant, but almost so, and they feel weak, especially when recurrent:
to purchase goods for his store ... the barn door creak on its hinges ... grabbed her skirt from the stool, and, pulling it on over her chemise, jumped down out of the loft. ... watch the muscles in his legs strain against his leggings ... draw a pail of water from the well

Individually, each of the italicized prepositional phrases could stand, but they pile up like that and become quite noticeable. Eliminate as many as you can: How else could the door creak but on its hinges? Where else could she draw water but from the well?

She walked along the stone path that led from the barn to the cottage, passing through Molly’s garden and near the huge dolmen

Way too many prepositions. You might not want to eliminate any of these points of description, but you need to break it up for variety. Perhaps:

The stone path through Molly's garden was overshadowed by a huge dolmen, cooling her for a moment as she went back to the cottage.

 

[haremdancer]

Hi Rainbow Skin (et al),

Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my story. I'm still hoping for more feedback; anyone game?

By the way, I used many of the descriptive phrases Rainbow Skin quotes to establish the fantasy medieval/Renaissance setting for the story. My aim was to provide enough information for the reader to infer the setting without interrupting the story for a more explicit description of the time and place.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I think you misunderstand slightly. These phrases (cumulatively)weaken the picture: they make it less memorable: they fail to establish it.

If you wrote that she went along the path through the garden under the oak by the picnic table next to the fountain across the lawn between the statues to the cottage, and don't mention them again, no-one will have any idea where they are -- and I don't mean just because i've exaggerated the effect. They might remember that there was a fountain somewhere, but if you use weak descriptions and vague phrases, it doesn't give any hook on where it is, on how it's related to other things.

Why is the path stone? Do the stones come into it later? If not, throw them away. Is the fact that the path goes through the garden, as opposed to beside it or near it, going to be important later? If not, throw it away. Will it turn out to be important that between the cottage and the barn there's a path -- as opposed to lawn or loose dirt? If not, she didn't walk along the path from the barn to the cottage, she just walked from the barn to the cottage.

People aren't going to remember what's in your head unless you make it memorable. Vague detail is only confusing, and will be discarded anyway. Better if you discard it first and allow their imaginations free rein.

If something is important, pay attention to it. If it's worth mentioning at all, mention it in an interesting manner.

 

[Guest]

I am afraid that I have to agree. Your story is so detailed that a person gets...well...bored. It took me two tries to finish it.

You become lost in the details. Use your words to create a broader picture. The more details you add, the less people will forgive errors in your stories.

For example, if the halfling was mating with the winged fairy from the front, how can she hit him in the back with her gossamer wings, they are not at all flexible, and general physical traits would allow her only to hit him in the sides with them. (How is that for picky?)

However, if you just described the fairies as unearthly, delicate, and horny, the detail of the wings would not matter.

The story itself is well formatted, and I think that you should keep writing it. For a first story it was good. I love fairy stories, elves and fantastic creatures.

Keep up the good writing, and I hope I didn't come off like a jerk.

 

[haremdancer]

Thanks for your comments, shimmy.

I don't agree, though, that a good story will skimp on the details. I've just started reading a short story by Michael Chabon, one of my favorite authors. He uses about 500 words to establish the topic of the first paragraph, when he could have stated it in a dozen. The rest of the paragraph sets a tone for the story, and begins to describe the setting. I could never hope to write a paragraph as memorable as his, but I can appreciate some of the tricks he uses to draw the reader in to the story.

I've tried to be parsimonious in my details. I used a stone path leading to a cottage, for example, so the reader will hopefully get the idea of a pastoral scene. I would have used much more detail in describing the characters and setting, except that I'll be introducing them in the chapters that come before this one.

Almost all the stories on this site emphasize the sexual content to the exclusion of any character development or plot. Hey, I like stories like that sometimes, but it's dull when that's the only kind of story available. Even in the erotic novels I've read, the plot is invariably only an artifice to get the main character involved in a greater variety of sexual activity. I'm trying to do something different, because I'm bored with that plot. I want something with drama, mystery, and magic, and plenty of spicy details.

Oh, and about the wings: you're the one that said they're inflexible, I just said they're gossamer, meaning extremely light and delicate. Your fairies can have rigid wings; mine have flexible ones, and other body parts are rigid.

 

[Guest]

You misunderstood my comments. If you did not want honest feedback, then why ask for it?

Writing on this site is mainly confined to short stories. You have to grab the interest of the reader right away. Not neccessarily (I always spell that wrong), with sex, but with an active story line. The reader in general does not want to read a dissertation on historical farm life, they want to be entertained. Give them a bit of credit as well for knowing that eggs come from chickens, and water from a well.

You are correct, a good author can use detail to set a story up so that you can feel the blades of grass under your feet while sitting at your computer. You can feel everything that the character feels and you become one with the story. But in general redundancy does not enter into it. You don't need to look up at the sky, where else would it be? You don't need to mention the chicken house to collect eggs because you certainly aren't going to get them from cows. This is the only point that I was trying to make.

This is an erotic web site, and if you don't want to include that plotline in your stories then choose the non-erotic topic.


Otherwise, good story. (I read it again to make sure of my initial impressions).