boys locking horns

[Sweetwood]

I would appreciate some feedback please:

Boys locking horns

Angelic faces locked
In fierce competition!
Fisted fingers rammed
Tightly into the soft curve
Of the waist

Heads forward they hurl
Vicarious insults
Living large
By their Dads

In the give and take
Dads grow larger
Stronger and fierce

Until one said: “But my dad
Can drive devils dead”,
Ending the spat.

(c)MCD 2002

 

[~Dream~]

J.M.H.O. but..

take off the "angelic faces" since not too many angels I've ever heard of are violent ..then the rest of this very (fiesty?) poem makes alot more sense..can actually see and feel the action going on..can you handle ME saying something"nice" for once? hehe

 

[karmadog]

I'm ok with the angelic faces reference, after all, in classic Catholicism aren't the angels sort of God's foot soldiers against evil? Isn't the archangel Michael depicted with a flaming sword? Or was that Gabriel? Doesn't matter.

I thought the fingers jammed in the soft curve of waist seemed strange, though. It seems unduly feminine for boys. I don't really know that much about kids, but my five year old nephew is a little ball of muscle.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Actually, Lucifer was an angel, so...

I'm ok with
Angelic faces locked
In fierce competition!, there's a nice contrast there, and after all, don't all children have angelical faces? It's supposedly a trade mark...

...the soft curve
Of the waist, on the other hand, does seem a little awkward.


In the give and take
Dads grow larger
Stronger and fierce
I would consider revising this stanza. It adds little to the poem, as is, and you mearly transpose to these hyped fathers adjectives already used to depict the children's confrontation. If it's accidental, I'd use different words, if it's not, it lacks strengh and effectiveness.

Other than this, I quite enjoy this piece.

Keep it up, Sweetwood

 

[Sweetwood]

Thanks for the feedback

Imagine two cherubic chubby five year olds, with their hands on their hips glaring at each other.

This is what it was, in fact in the summer of 1959.

If you have ever seen a five year old naked (being a father I can say that without sounding like a weirdo perv) you know that their waists are soft curved.

The Dads growing larger, stronger and fierce in the exchange, is the "but my dad................!" followed by "but MY DAD...............". I felt it was necessary to bring on the escalation of it all.

Until, and I will never forget that, I said: But my Dad can drive devils dead. On that day and in that moment it could not be bested. I won! *winks

Thank you for the critique. I will ponder your comments. Dream, your take on the angelic faces and the violence. If you got the impression they were fighting physically then that was not intended and I wll rethink the first stanza.

Karma, if you had said it, you would have been a weirdo perv....*laughs seeing you don't know much about kids. But check out your nephews waist if he comes around next time. (I mean surrepticiously of course) and I bet you it's soft.

Lauren, I do see your point that the third stanza is not completely necessary. However, as said above the escalation thing I think is necessary. Let me know if you agree.

Thanks friends for the time you took to read and comment. I truly appreciate it.

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

I would appreciate some feedback please:

Boys locking horns

Angelic faces locked
In fierce competition!
Fisted fingers rammed
Tightly into the soft curve
Of the waist

Heads forward they hurl
Vicarious insults
Living large
By their Dads

In the give and take
Dads grow larger
Stronger and fierce

Until one said: “But my dad
Can drive devils dead”,
Ending the spat.

(c)MCD 2002

In the first stanza, I was okay with "angelic." I know not all angels are angelic. lol Though, I did think they were physically fighting.

I like the second stanza. "Living large by their dads" is good!

I happen to like the third one, because it's true and it's amusing. Maybe you could replace a couple of the adj. But basically, it's good!

And I love the last stanza! It sounds like something my 4 year-old would say. lol

 

[JUDO]

Like in your commentary, I would prefer "cherubic" over "angelic." And speaking of which, why don't you include 1959 in the title? And if you want angels call it:

"Angels Locking Horns 1959."

After all the "cherubic 5 year old catholic boys" are God's own footsoldiers, are they not?

You know, a reference to the boys school uniforms as their fists fly might be a nice touch. Really get the Catholic school syndrome going.


- Judo

 

[Sweetwood]

never worn a catholic uniform and won't start now

Not catholic, never was, never will be ....

I was wearing lederhosen at the time. My counterpart had me really in a corner, when I finally came up with the winner... LOL

Cherubic I like that although I think all childrens faces are angelic.

Sweetwood