boyfriend joining coast guard?

[KahlanAmnell]

I was directed to this site by my cousin so no i am not a troll.
she told me that this is a really good place to recieve advice.
I met a guy online a few months ago. We decided about a month ago that he was going to move up here. So we began to explore our options. One option he brought up was the coast guard. Said he would try to be stationed by the great lakes, which is where i am at and if he wasnt able to be stationed here, he was going to look elsewhere for more options.
well as it turned out, he went and spoke with the recruiter yesturday. And this morning, he called me saying he was going to join no matter where the shipped him off to, he said if he signed up this week he would be put on the east coast for 4 years. He said he wanted to end it now before i got hurt. But he doesnt understand that this is ripping me to peices. I dont know what to do or say to change his mind or to somehow go with him.
I dont know how the coast guard works but does the coast guard allow girlfriends/future family to go with? He said he would be in for 4 years and that entire 4 years he would only get 2 1/2 days a month off<which i find hard to believe. How do i make this work? I really care for him and he does for me also. i know he does. The main reasons he's joining the coast guard is to appease his family, BIG military family. He says he needs to respect himself more and do this for himself to make his life better. But wouldnt love and a loving family do the same thing? i guess i dont understand.

how would i make this work?

 

[Weird Harold]

2 1/2 days a month is 30 days a year -- the standard military leave schedule. That does NOT include the normal 40 hour work week duty schedule for most military memebers; the Coast Guard is likely to divide that 40 hour work week up in ways other than five eight hour days with weekends off.

I don't know that you'll be able to make it work, but once he's out of training, the Coast Guard doesn't require it's members to live on base -- CG bases tend to be small and without a great deal of on-base housing. That means you can go visit or live wherever he happens to be stationed.

The fact that he wants to end it and is "running off to join the foreign legion" sounds to me like there's NOT much chance of "making this work" because as far as he's concerned, there doesn't appear to be a "this."

 

[KahlanAmnell]

2 1/2 days a month is 30 days a year -- the standard military leave schedule. That does NOT include the normal 40 hour work week duty schedule for most military memebers; the Coast Guard is likely to divide that 40 hour work week up in ways other than five eight hour days with weekends off.

i'm illiterate and blonde <2 strikes against me.
can you put that in terms a dumb blonde would understand please?

 

[KahlanAmnell]

he also said that he would move moving around a lot. because he'll be part of the clean up crew so to speak. i cant remember the exact name of what he is going to be signing up for. pretty much oil spills, moving /said fish from one area that isnt not suppose to be to the correct area where the /said fish will thrive. i have no idea what to think, in all honesty i dont even know if i understood him correctly. all i know is that he said he'd be moving around a lot lol yeah i'm confusing and very confused, sorry.

 

[WhiteKnight326]

This is a little confusing...

So you met this guy online. That's great

And things went well enough that you decided to move closer together. Also great!

This is where I get lost; is he joining the CG just to have the chance of being near you in the great lakes? Or is he doing this on his own (as you say to appease his family) and says the hell with you and wants to end the whole relationship (even though he may be closer than before, with very little free time) because he feels it's going to hurt you? Not clear to me...

All in all, yes, the 30 days a year is standard. I don't know how military wives/husbands do it! They have earned my undying respect for what they must overcome in terms of being away like that. I could never handle it And it sounds like you are already "tearing yourself apart" over it, and it hasn't even happened.

My opinion to you is that it probably is wisest to let him cut things off. (Note: wisest, not necessarily best, happiest, fairest, or what i would do ) In order for something like that to work, it's true you really need to be close to eachother. But you also need to be a little more available than what he's able to do. Ask yourself this, would you want to still be with him if he moved in down your street and was able to spend every day with you? Does the difference lie there? Or is it something else... you seem upset about the fact that he's doing this for what you feel are silly reasons... I think there may be a bit more to this off-match than you're willing to admit...

Either way, best of luck with it, and just follow your heart. Don't trap yourself in a situation you can never be happy in.

 

[breezyblue]

Unfortunately it sounds to me like he has chosen his career over your relationship. I agree with whiteknight326 that the 'wisest' thing to do would be to let him leave; not that that is really any consolation to you in your heartbreak. If he is very intent upon joining the coast guard for either family or personal reasons I think that the most you can do is to be supportive and show him that you will still care about him/ be there for him throughout this change. If you feel determined to remain together, I don't think there is any reason not to continue to try to make this work from a distance, however it seems rather unreasonable to me to ask someone whom you only met a few months ago online to change his life plans for you. Letters and regular emails are much of what i assume you are using now to stay in contact with one another and there is no reason i see to stop that exchange. Just keep in mind though that if this is tearing you apart after having an online romance for a few months just think of how you would feel if you drag this on trying to make it work and then find out later that this relationship is really so much more important to you than to him. His actions seem to state rather clearly that there are other things more important to him in his life than you.

 

[SweetErika]

i'm illiterate and blonde <2 strikes against me.
can you put that in terms a dumb blonde would understand please?

For every month you're in the military, you accumulate/"bank" 2.5 days of vacation time/"leave." I think that starts after basic training, or whatever the CG equivalent of that is, but basically it means that he'll get 30 days of vacation time per year. Of course vacation/leave requests must be approved in advance and are subject to the military's rules and needs, so if he's deployed somewhere or doing a critical job, they can deny his request and make him wait to take time off.

And if he thinks he'll get the job he wants or stationed where he wants or the recruiters have any pull over anything, he's a fool. Once you sign, the military puts you where they want you, and you do what they want you to do, no matter what you want or the recruiter says. Recruiters lie all the time, and while getting things in writing is never a bad idea, it doesn't mean the military will necessarily honor it. Recruiters do what's best for THEM--which is signing as many people as possible up--and are completely unconcerned with what happens to the recruit once s/he is committed.

At least he's joining the CG, though!

Anyway, I agree that you barely know this guy and you might want to reconsider investing so much in something that's unlikely to work. If you do meet and decide you really like each other after a good amount of time together, then worry about figuring out how you might make it work and be closer. If he's hell bent on joining the CG, there's nothing you can do or say to make him change his mind, and why would you want to anyway? If it's something he really wants to do, he'll just resent you for holding him back and not supporting him, and neither of those things are loving on your part.

If you care about him, support him in his pursuit of happiness and see if you can work it out (if he wants to do the same). If it's meant to be, you'll make it through the four years and will be stronger for it in the end. If it's not, you'll drift apart. But moving for a guy you've only known online (which is very different from in person!) for a few months and may not like in person or want to be in a relationship with (or vice versa)? That's not very wise at all, is it?

You act in your best interest. He'll act in his. If you're lucky and truly a good match, those interests will intersect/meld at some point down the line and you'll come together and make a good relationship out of it.

 

[Weird Harold]

For every month you're in the military, you accumulate/"bank" 2.5 days of vacation time/"leave." I think that starts after basic training, or whatever the CG equivalent of that is, but basically it means that he'll get 30 days of vacation time per year.

Coast Guard basic training is "Boot Camp," just as it is for the Navy and Marines.

Leave begins to acrue the moment you sign the enlistment contract with 0.082 days accrued at midnight that day and every midnight until the day you retire. Youeven accure leave while you're ON leave.

However, you must take enough leave to keep your balance below 90 days. If you don't take enough leave to stay below 90 days, you lose everything over 90 days at the end of the fiscal year (01 Oct.)

 

[CaliVolunteer]

Ex-Coastie

I was in the USCG earlier in my life. When you join you sign a contract with the government and that contract allows the USCG to post you wherever there is a need. Figure he's made his choice, cut him loose, he needs to finish Boot Camp and at a minimum that is three months, after that he is put to sea usually, then if he is promising they send him to a school somewhere, and then back out to sea. When I was in Boot Camp we had a game in which we counted the "Dear John" letters. These letters are from girl friends who write "...since you are gone I've found someone else cause you are absent..". If he makes a career of it he might get a station choice when he re-enlists four years from now. Until then he can be moved regularly based on need and not his choice. Figure you join when he does and it makes it easier to cope, otherwise his ass is the governments......Ex Coastie.

 

[dynamicone]

not exactly sure on how the coast guard operates, but I did just get out of the marines. for the duration of his contract, you will be pretty much at the mercy of his schedule. also, he can travel with you, however he won't get base housing (outside of the barracks) unless he has dependants or is married. again, not sure on how the coast guard works, but in the marines you are not allowed to live off base and out of the barracks until you reach a certain rank. between training, deployments, and the fact you two don't have much of a base as is, it may be in your best interest to try to move on. it won't be easy for the short term, but it would save a lot of heartache in the long run. hope this helps.