Boyfriend is very inhibited in bedroom. Advice?

[MagnificentCensorship]

Hi!

He is very close minded about bedroom activities. I personally find myself very into obedience and non-consent in a submissive way (and open to pretty much anything--except the illegal stuff, of course). Does anyone have any experiences with this they could share with me?

I've brought it up to him multiple times. He's not really into the idea. I have good reason to suspect he leans towards submissiveness himself.

Question on my mind: is it possible to be truly fulfilled in a relationship that's not sexually satisfying?

 

[CarnivalBarker]

It is not.

I like rough, submissive, and non-con type play as well. And having had experience with a guy who is hesitant about such things, I suspect you are going to ultimately have to find another guy who is not.

A CB exclusive quote right here: "Sweet, nice guys who don't like to hurt you are not going to ever like to hurt you the way that you like to hurt."

 

[wantingit2222]

I don't know if it is possible to change him in that way or not. I would suggest starting with some dirty talk during sex and see how he reacts. I he likes that then you may get him to transition into more, if not you may have to move on.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

It is not.

I like rough, submissive, and non-con type play as well. And having had experience with a guy who is hesitant about such things, I suspect you are going to ultimately have to find another guy who is not.

A CB exclusive quote right here: "Sweet, nice guys who don't like to hurt you are not going to ever like to hurt you the way that you like to hurt."

Thanks for the advice. I feel like I still have hope.

I love him very much. There are multiple factors at play. He is willing to learn, just not excited about it.

 

[MrBig6Around]

It is not.

I like rough, submissive, and non-con type play as well. And having had experience with a guy who is hesitant about such things, I suspect you are going to ultimately have to find another guy who is not.

A CB exclusive quote right here: "Sweet, nice guys who don't like to hurt you are not going to ever like to hurt you the way that you like to hurt."

I disagree a bit. You just have to find a sweet guy that's in to sex and can talk about it to get to a mutually satisfying play time. I would never have thought of being rough when I was younger but I discovered Im willing to go to long lengths to get a lady off as long as she's clear about what she likes and doesn't.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

I don't know if it is possible to change him in that way or not. I would suggest starting with some dirty talk during sex and see how he reacts. I he likes that then you may get him to transition into more, if not you may have to move on.

I'm sorry, I should have included some more information.

I've definitely brought it up. Several times. I've tried to get him into it, showed him lit, fetlife, stories. All that.

I'll go edit that into the original post right now.

 

[Mercury_Maniac]

perhaps he hasn't had many positive experiences and maybe feels somewhat inadequate?

 

[CarnivalBarker]

I disagree a bit. You just have to find a sweet guy that's in to sex and can talk about it to get to a mutually satisfying play time. I would never have thought of being rough when I was younger but I discovered Im willing to go to long lengths to get a lady off as long as she's clear about what she likes and doesn't.

Hm...I wouldn't expect you, as the guy in that situation to get this, but I don't say that in the "you just don't know!" sense, so please don't attack me. Yes....you can get a guy to do what you did...go to great lengths to do what you like, etc.

But no matter how much he comes around like that, WE (girls) can tell when it comes from an authentic place versus a pleasing place. And if we want a guy who will manhandle us and make us his, he just will. And if a guy doesn't have that in him, he will always and forever just be acting. It's like in Good Will Hunting where Will has "it" and the professor, who is great at what he does says that he'll just never have what this amazing natural has. Sure, you can be serviceable....even excellent. But man there is another gear that some guys have and others just can't be taught, and I can always recognize it.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

I disagree a bit. You just have to find a sweet guy that's in to sex and can talk about it to get to a mutually satisfying play time. I would never have thought of being rough when I was younger but I discovered Im willing to go to long lengths to get a lady off as long as she's clear about what she likes and doesn't.

That's inspiring! How were you lead into it? Any tips?

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

perhaps he hasn't had many positive experiences and maybe feels somewhat inadequate?

We've been together several years. He is very hush-hush about sex, and when I accidentally walk in on him masturbating he is very ashamed of it. But I know that he was pretty promiscuous before me.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

We've been together several years. He is very hush-hush about sex, and when I accidentally walk in on him masturbating he is very ashamed of it. But I know that he was pretty promiscuous before me.

Guys can be promiscuous and also have a lot of shame about sex. Many do. Sounds like he does. It's often deeply ingrained from childhood and HARD to unwire.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

Hm...I wouldn't expect you, as the guy in that situation to get this, but I don't say that in the "you just don't know!" sense, so please don't attack me. Yes....you can get a guy to do what you did...go to great lengths to do what you like, etc.

But no matter how much he comes around like that, WE (girls) can tell when it comes from an authentic place versus a pleasing place. And if we want a guy who will manhandle us and make us his, he just will. And if a guy doesn't have that in him, he will always and forever just be acting. It's like in Good Will Hunting where Will has "it" and the professor, who is great at what he does says that he'll just never have what this amazing natural has. Sure, you can be serviceable....even excellent. But man there is another gear that some guys have and others just can't be taught, and I can always recognize it.

I see where you're coming from and I think I agree. But then my question is, how hard can it be to live without this sort of relationship? Is this something that is going to tear me apart over time, or will I learn to live with it? We live very busy lifestyles, and sometimes I just forget my entire sexuality, to be honest.

 

[Mercury_Maniac]

that's probably it then, I know when it comes to sex/foreplay etc I'm pretty much clueless about it and I'd probably frustrate the hell out of a woman not knowing what she wants or not be able to do what she wants.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

Guys can be promiscuous and also have a lot of shame about sex. Many do. Sounds like he does. It's often deeply ingrained from childhood and HARD to unwire.

Sure, I can see that. But is that a good enough reason to end a relationship that is wholly fulfilling in every other way? How important is sex?

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

that's probably it then, I know when it comes to sex/foreplay etc I'm pretty much clueless about it and I'd probably frustrate the hell out of a woman not knowing what she wants or not be able to do what she wants.

I'm sorry, I'm misunderstanding, what's probably 'it'?

 

[Mercury_Maniac]

he probably isn't overly confident about his skills etc.

 

[CarnivalBarker]

I see where you're coming from and I think I agree. But then my question is, how hard can it be to live without this sort of relationship? Is this something that is going to tear me apart over time, or will I learn to live with it? We live very busy lifestyles, and sometimes I just forget my entire sexuality, to be honest.

Well, that's not really a question anyone can answer for you, but you. We all have needs and it depends on how great that need is to each of us, and how much we can or can't live, settling for whatever level we do or don't get. For some it can be very hard. For others, maybe they get more from the relationship in other areas. For me, it's very important. I do not want a life that ends up sexless or without the pleasure that my body craves. Does that mean rough sex 7 nights a week? No. Four? Hmmm....maybe not. Three??? Possibly. Two? That doesn't sound appealing. One??? Only one??? GTFO! LOL

 

[CarnivalBarker]

Sure, I can see that. But is that a good enough reason to end a relationship that is wholly fulfilling in every other way? How important is sex?

I've ended relationships over bad sex. It's pretty important to some. Not as important to others. To me, it's a top three priority...sometimes top two. For the OP, who knows? We each have to decide.

 

[MagnificentCensorship]

Well, that's not really a question anyone can answer for you, but you. We all have needs and it depends on how great that need is to each of us, and how much we can or can't live, settling for whatever level we do or don't get. For some it can be very hard. For others, maybe they get more from the relationship in other areas. For me, it's very important. I do not want a life that ends up sexless or without the pleasure that my body craves. Does that mean rough sex 7 nights a week? No. Four? Hmmm....maybe not. Three??? Possibly. Two? That doesn't sound appealing. One??? Only one??? GTFO! LOL

Lol. Thank you for all of the advice. This whole thread has been very enlightening.

 

[MrBig6Around]

I've ended relationships over bad sex. It's pretty important to some. Not as important to others. To me, it's a top three priority...sometimes top two. For the OP, who knows? We each have to decide.

What are the other two?

 

[36524]

------

 

[lvs2lck]

Having been in an unsatisfying relationship for far longer than I like to admit, I can tell you a couple things. You won't ever change the others feelings and get what you hope for. And worse, you will know when they are pretending, trying to please you but simply going through the motions. Both situations leave you craving more!!!

 

[masterandmargarita]

Doesn't sound like you are well-matched, but if you want to keep trying here is a tip from a guy that did not fancy himself a dominant and was also very quiet/shameful about sex most of his life (now he writes porn with his wife and dominates her as needed). You have to find out what your bf is in to, I mean really in to- what does he jerk off to? It might be very hard to discover this information but once you know what he wants, tell him he can have it....so long as he is willing to make you do it via roleplay. He can tie you up, give you a fake job interview- put him in some position of power and then do what he wants to do to you. This turns any guy into a good Dom, but you have to find out what carrot to dangle in front of him.

 

[masterandmargarita]

Have you asked him what he likes? Maybe he'd be more willing if you also tried something he was interested in. If you think he leans submissive himself, maybe you can learn to be a bit Domme for him if he learns to be Dom for you?

Yes, all of this! Both of you learning how to be a Dom is a very smart move and also a great point made here about his motivation. You have to give him motivation, let him try to get what he wants from you.

 

[justcurious1972]

Maybe try watching some amateur porn together. Show him what it looks like and the enjoyment both can get from it...