Boyfriend insistent upon threesome

[vanillapod]

Hiya peachykeen, maybe I should have elaborated further... we've actually had a discussion about threesomes and FF before, in the flesh. This was a few months ago. At the time we were just exploring our fantasies, and we haven't had any more discussions of the sort since. So I guess I was pretty stunned by his pushing, over text messages no less, on this topic. I suppose it shows that he seems quite keen on making a threesome a reality.

As limbhugger said, both here and in that other thread he directed me to, it's one thing having a fantasy, and another making the fantasy reality. I definately don't think my bf is aware of the emotional issues of a threesome. I don't really know how to impress upon him that a threesome goes way beyond the normal male fantasy of getting it on with two chicks!

Every relationship has its positives and negatives... I believe in staying in a relationship as long as the positives outweigh the negatives. At the moment, despite this pretty big negative, I'd like to stay with my bf. It does seem a bit silly to break up over a text message conversation! I would be better able to gauge his reactions when he gets back and we have a face to face conversation. One thing I know for sure though, if he tries to force the threesome topic again, I'm putting on my running shoes and getting outta here!

 

[lovechild27]

Every relationship has its positives and negatives... I believe in staying in a relationship as long as the positives outweigh the negatives

I used to think this. I now have a relationship where the negatives are zero and the positives are 100. My last bf, ya we got along and all and there was more good than bad but I knew I deserved more. And I have it. I still think you deserve better.

 

[Enodia]

Originally posted by lovechild27
I used to think this. I now have a relationship where the negatives are zero and the positives are 100. My last bf, ya we got along and all and there was more good than bad but I knew I deserved more. And I have it. I still think you deserve better.

I totally agree. My last (and only) long term relationship I stayed in, because I THOUGHT that there was more good than bad. I dumped him 9 months ago.

After 2 months of not looking (I wanted me time), I stumbled on my now boyfriend. So far, the ONLY negative is that I don't get to see him enough (he lives an hour away, and works shifts in a factory)--but that will change in less than a year (he's moving to my city--it's only a half hour to his work from here). So, other than that superficial problem, there is 100% good, and 0% bad. And I will never have it any other way.

 

[thegreenfairy]

Just something you should tell this guy...

He said that he wouldn't get anything out of MMF, whereas you would get something out of a FFM. That's absurd. A mouth is a mouth - and for him oral sex from a guy wouldn't feel all that different from oral sex with a girl. As some guys are fond of saying, a hole is a hole.

And for you - I totally agree that you should not do anything that you don't want to do. But don't let this experience turn you off of 3somes forever. Maybe they're not for you, and maybe not with this guy, but don't let one guy's actions limit your future options.

That said, props to you for sticking up for yourself.

 

[quickfoot]

Overly very good advice from most everyone, there are a few points I'd like to bring up.

First it is wrong to seek out sexual attention frm another whethey they be same or opposite sex while in a relationship without the express consent of your current partner, this is the definition of cheating. If you want to experience FF and your current partner is not open to allowing you to explore that either don't do it or get out of the relationship if it is that important to you.

Second there are many things a guy will get from a MFM, most guys will not be comfortable playing with a guy but that is not the purpose of a MFM, after all it is M-F-M not F-M-M the point of it is to provide two males excited and happy to pleasure a female. The idea of bringing extra pleasure to you should be what he gets out of a MFM.

How can any guy think that a girl should be comfortable with him having sex with another girl if he is not comfortable with her having sex with another male? If someone is dead set against this these should be massive warning signs that you should not be exploring alternate sexuality and begets questions about the relationship in general. A relationship is about providing a mutually satisfying and loving environment to eachother, not I have a girl friend now lets see what I can get her to do for me.

Personally I would like to see my wife with another man, I've posted on this before. I Have no doubt of some feelings but a MFM is very appealing to both of us. I would also like to see her with a woman, but it wouldn't be about me it would be about her and exploring her sexuality with a female.

Pretty much everyone has fantasies their partner would not approve of or would not do, open communication and deciding if these fantasies are worth the destruction of your relationship is key.

He should accept no means no, at least for now, you can have a lot of fun sharing this fantasy, talking about it and pretending to play it out. Who knows doing so may even help you explore it where he either doesn't want to or you decide to try it. But he should be ok with your answer no matter what it is and accept no just like any other no.

 

[snickertease]

I have to post here.

While I agree with several key points made in support of Vanillapod here, most importantly:

1. You should NOT do anything you aren't comfortable with,

2. You should NOT accept anything less than total honesty from your partner over this, and,

3. If this is so important to him, you should reconsider your relationship with him,

I have a contrasting viewpoint as well.

You see, I am in a relationship with a woman who would never consider an MFF threesome.

She has told me she would do an FMM threesome if it was one of MY fantasies, but that she can't stand the idea of sharing me with another woman.

She also has shared fantasies of FF play, but they do not include me.

Now I love her and don't want to pressure her and don't try to manipulate her and don't consider fantasies more important than her feelings are.

But that doesn't change the fact that yes, in fact I really DO want to have an MFF threesome. Would I go ahead and do it if she said yes? HELL YES I WOULD! Am I disappointed and hurt that she won't? Yes, in fact I am. I don't think there is anything wrong with my desire to have a threesome. Because I don't try to guilt or manipulate or force her into doing it when she doesn't want to, as far as I am concerned, I am a moral, decent guy.

A very FRUSTRATED one, however!

I think that there is a dangerous undercurrent of prejudice against people who might actually want threesomes in this world. Your partner has the RIGHT to really want a threesome. If you don't want one, Vanillapod, you have done the right thing in being 100% clear with him right here and now... because if it is something that is important to his sexuality, he needs to know where you stand before he commits to being monogamous with you.

I made a choice to give up on the idea of a threesome because I love my woman. Do I regret it? Some days, yes I do! But I have never gone back and decided to change that decision.

P.S. People who know my desires have sometimes asked me why don't I go ahead and have an FMM with her? The reason I haven't so far is mainly because I am not sure I trust myself not to try and use it as a "lever" for a future MFF... I would feel ripped off by the experience... I would enjoy it in and of itself, and in fact have been in one before, not with her, and it was VERY pleasurable, even though both M's were strictly heterosexual.

But I would feel TERRIBLY jealous that she got to live out "my" fantasy, and I did not!

So that's why I haven't gone for that... so far...

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

Fantasy and reality are two different things, he needs to realise this. Most people do not like to share, this is fine... He needs to deal with this and get over it.

 

[pocahontas]

i've read a lot of these posts. there is a lot of great advice. here's some of what i have learned from what little experience i have. fantasies are just fantasies. he should be mature enough to realize this. my boyfriend has mentioned his fantasies to me. he has now learned to tell me that it is just a fantasy. we talked about threesomes. something i'm not willing to do at this point. i'm not secure enough and i realize this. maybe.......... someday and maybe never. i've told him this. i share my fantasies with him too. some i keep to myself. that's why they are fantasies. we even have fun and imagine we are living them out throught the use of toys and play while enjoying each other. my man does realize that this does not mean i want to really act these fantasies out. he's said he has fantasies he would not like to act out either. we've agreed we'd only act them out after a lot of discussion and thought. that's how things should be. you both have to agree on things. that's why it's a partnership. if he's not willing to hear your feelings and be concerned about you then you should reevaluate the relationship and whether or not you can live with it. that's all i have to say. i probably rambled.
sorry.

 

[Howling_Ire]

you know...it sounds to me like your boyfriend has some issues...thing number one is that when you started suggesting mmf he thought you had someone in mind..if i know most men..this makes me wonder who he has in mind. have you considered this?

also the thing is, if he has respect for your boundries he won't keep pushing..and respect for you is highly tied up in how much respect he has fo ryour boundries, my s/o would never push an i ssue i'm uncomfortable with, because he respects me.

it sounds to me like you two have some issues way beyond the 3-some part to explore... and i don't mean sexual one's either.

as fo ryou one day being to old. i know a 40 year old woman who in the last 5 years became a fetish model (she dose NOT look 40 at all) and has girlfriends, boy friends, a live in boyfriend, and 3-somes if she damn well wants it. th is works with her and her s/o because they are comfortable enough with themselves, and with time have become secure enough in thier relationships they feel that shareing is something they can do that won't hurt the relationship. i have on good authority that sex only gets better with age, knowledge, and experince.

 

[miss_chaos]

other way around

hiya...my husband is just the opposite, I want to experiment and he does'nt...originally he said he did but then when it came down to it and we had the chance he balked, now we did do the "cam" thing and we had a great time and there was'nt any touching or emotions involved so maybe you would feel more comfortable with that? as many have said, sometimes fantasies are just that and from experience I do know that they can't be planned, they have to happen spontaneous.... im more adventurous than my husband is and I often feel like our sex life is "blah" but I would never force him, or even attempt to force him into doing something he did'nt feel comfortable doing, he's actually what I call a "closet freak" and won't come out!! good luck and never do something your not comfortable with....

 

[PunkGrrl18]

i keep noticing whenever people talk about threesomes and not being comfortable with it, everyone somehow brings up its got to be that you arent secure enough in your relationship? Whats that even have to do with it? I know for sure im plenty secure and open sexually with my boyfriend, THAT DOESNT MEAN I WANT HIM TO FUCK ANOTHER GIRL. Im sure my advice on this wont be noted as im a young nieve 19 year old but i dont understand the fasination with it? I mean yeah fantasy blah whatever, wank material go ahead. But to me if my guy ever said "hey i really want you and another girl to please me/eachother" It would make me feel insecure for that reason alone, he wants to fuck another woman? Infront of me? He wants to cheat with my permission? I dont get it, Im bicurious and have always wanted to experiment, that doesnt mean im not mature enough to say hey im in a relationship right now, whats that have to do with my curiousity? Just to explore it "together?" Why, i feel if we did he would get more out of it than i would, i would feel used and cheated, its the typical frat boy fantasy everyone has, i dont know if he has it and im not willing to say "ok sure whateve ryou want sweety cuase our sex life is so boring we need to add another girl dont we"
Hell if i can even remember correctly hes even said that he would try mmf, STILL he would get more satisfaction out of a ffm than i would out of a mmf, its all the same, i think its cheating with permission and i dont think anyone deserves to feel like there not good enough. Im inexperienced this doesnt shut me off forever from it, but thats my whole view on it and nobody should do what they dont think is right, and if you do, go for it whatever.

 

[Alphasarge]

You both are still young enough to do whatever you like with whomever you like. If you feel this 1.5 yr relationship is going somewhere, I would suggest you do not do any kind of 3 way, it is only going to lead to problems. As much as everyone will hate to admit it and try valiantly to deny it, relationships are hard enough without bringing a third party in, no matter how old you are. Lastly...do what you want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do, if you veer from your beliefs you will regret it for ever...be yourself and say FUCK THAT from time to time, it doesn't make you a bitch, it makes you strong. And no, I'm not some womens lib nazi, just been around long enough to know you have to take care of yourself before anyone else.

 

[Noor]

i keep noticing whenever people talk about threesomes and not being comfortable with it, everyone somehow brings up its got to be that you arent secure enough in your relationship? Whats that even have to do with it? I know for sure im plenty secure and open sexually with my boyfriend, THAT DOESNT MEAN I WANT HIM TO FUCK ANOTHER GIRL.

Agreed. This secure enough stuff is nuts. It kind of feels like the guys who say if you loved me you would....
or therapists who hold the non cheating spouse responsible for the cheating.

 

[Parklife]

Sounds like there's been some good words written above. I only have a couple of things to add.

- As i'm sure you've noticed by now with the diverse group of people on lit, Age has nothing to do with exploring, getting wild and having fun. Plenty of 'older' people here will attest to 'having some fun' and enjoying it much more than they would/could have in their early 20s.

- An amusing story about a similar situation. Every year I go to Burning Man for a week (a week long art party in the middle of the Nevada desert) and it's known for having its fair share of open and casual relationships. A guy I know had brought his realitively new girlfriend (a few months). She had let it slip that she had a fantasy about being with another girl. Well, he wouldn't let it go and from that first admission, he began pushing for a FFM threesome. That was on Monday and by Friday, she finally relented. He had guilted her into doing it and you could tell she still wasn't convinced. So, off they go into the partying night looking for a third. Well, they did find a third and they did go back to their tents for some fun. He was quite upset the next day... grouchy... didn't want to talk. Turned out that the FFM wasn't exactly what he imagined it to be. Her fantasy was to be with another woman and evidently, that's exactly what happened. She focused on the other woman, the other woman focused on her and the threesome quickly turned into a twosome. Neither girl was interested in involving him and he wound up leaving the tent in a huff.

 

[DuckLover]

LOL Serves him right for being so pushy and insensitive about it!

 

[ethereal~minx]

Re: Re: shoe on the other foot......or is it???

Nothing finer. Watching a woman sucking down cock while getting slammed hard at the same time.

GOD that sounds divine!!! this place is reeeally makin me wet : )
~~~sorry for imposing on your thread vanillapod

I have never had a threesome but the idea of MMF is soooo appealing to me~~~ don't know if I could reeeally do it, that would depend on all three minds thinking alike and it's not something that's easy for me to talk about

If my guy (that I don't have) was pushing me soo hard but wouldn't reciprocate w/ my fantasy~~~ I would question his thinking and probably wouldn't do it, not because I don't necessarily desire the MFF but rather because he's not emotionally ready---or something like that

 

[Photographer_wu]

threesomes...

I'd agree that if you are not comfortable with it, then the answer is NO! Maybe there will be a time when you are attracted to a particular woman, reserve your right to change your mind.

As far as mmf vs ffm, if he isn't secure enough to try the mmf, then he isn't mature enough to do the ffm.

As a man who has done both, I actually prefer the MMF. Naturally, it is a big ego boost for a man to have a FFM, but in reality it is a lot of work to please two women, especially if they are not bi. Most women can fuck a guy into the ground, so doing it right with two is even tougher. The hard part here is that whoever winds up on the sidelines, even momentarily, is going to get horny watching and listening to the action. If it is a ffm, the guy's gonna have to be superman, or at least have a Costco-size bottle of Viagra to handle this. On the otherhand, with a mmf, when the one guy is finished, the other is rested, hard and horney. My ex and I and friend have literally spent the whole night fucking this way. The only time there was any significant jealosy is when she came in and found a little mm action going on and realized that we'd both be out of action for a while if this went too far.

Doing a threesome is not all about the one getting all the action. While I get a little jealous watching my SO doing some dude with a huge cock, I also realize that she prefers to go home with me and it is not just for the sex. The jealousy just makes me anxious to join in or help out tag teaming the missus.

The really nice way to experience the threesome is with a long term realtionship. My ex and I had a 12 year long threesome going on with a man I considered to be my best friend. He and I did lots of things together without my ex and we truely enjoyed shaing her. The only regret I have about the entire experience is that he started out so homophobic and it was only when right before the whole relationship broke up that he really developed an interest in bisexuality.

Nuff said! If in doubt, say NO!