Boyfriend can't get over my ex?

[sheath]

Hello again, friends.

You have always given me excellent advice, so now I return...I need more! Imagine that...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have seen our share of ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary. We love each other very much. We are secure in one another, but my boyfriend does have a jealous side that flares occasionally.

Several months ago, when talking about our sexual histories, I told him about a man I will call John. John is a married man that I had an affair with a few years ago. The affair with John ended several months before I even met my boyfriend. John and I are friends and talk on occasion, but not often at all. Perhaps once a month? John and I parted on good terms and as friends. There is absolutely nothing at all sexual between the two of us and no chance of anything like that ever happening again.

The problem: When my boyfriend and I have sex lately, he often has to stop because he can't get John out of his mind. When my boyfriend is with me intimately, he tells me that he sees visions in the back of his mind of me doing those things with John. And instead of getting better with time, the problem is getting worse. Now we hardly have sex at all.

My boyfriend tells me that he feels John is much sexier than he is, and certainly must be more "able" in bed. John is almost twenty years older than my boyfriend, and very successful in a profession in which my boyfriend is just starting out. My boyfriend admits that he feels inferior to him in several areas. I was very close to John and my boyfriend knows this. It bothers him more than I ever dreamed it could. I never loved John, and my boyfriend knows this also.

I know that my boyfriend loves me and he does want to be with me. With the exception of this problem, our sex life is absolutely fantastic. But lately now, thoughts of me with John are holding him back.

So...is this just insecurity? Or does it sound like something more? Has anyone been in this situation before? From my point of view OR my boyfriend's? And what did you do to help, or to cope?

Thanks...

S.

 

[Bent]

Hook him up with John for a night so he can get over it if he is that obsessed with this man Aside from that, you can't do much, but keep reassuring your current honey that the past one is just that, in the past. But then, that will become taxing on you.

I have been through what you are going through, and all I do is tell 'em 'get the hell over it, or leave'. Life is too short for bullshit games.

Sorry, I think I'm beginning to have a bad night.

 

[SexyChele]

First, jealousy normally stems from insecurity. Now, this does not mean that your boyfriend is an insecure person. (Unless he is jealous of other things besides "John", and that could be another problem.)

Second, "John" remains in your life. Yes, maybe not close, but he is still there. Think about the idea of your boyfriend having a friend named "Jane" who he was with for quite some time. He claims he's over her, yet she continues in his life. How would it make you feel?

It seems to me you have a decision to make. If you want to give the relationship with your boyfriend a chance, you will need to tell "John" that he can no longer be a part of your life. I know that sounds like you are giving up something that you treasure, but think about the shoe being on the other foot. What if there was something that was so bothering you about your boyfriend, and he had the power to change it. How would you feel if he knew it bothered you, yet continued to engage in that activity?

Relationships are all about compromise. Sometimes one partner has to give a little more at times than the other does. It really comes down to how important you feel this relationship is to you. If you really want to keep "John" in your life, then you need to re-evaluate your current relationship. But it sounds as though once your boyfriend understands that "John" is safely out of the picture, his jealousy may dissipate.

Of course, the best way to know for certain is to talk to your boyfriend. Ask him to be honest with you and ask if he is bothered by your continued relationship with "John". It sounds as though you two need to talk to get to the root of the problem that is growing between you.

Good luck ~

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

My 2 cents

This is just my oppion. If there is something that you have Never tried and have thought about trying Now is the time. Make it a point to let your boyfriend that you have never done this whatever it is. Hopefully when you are done with this new thing(whatever it is) it will have been enjoyable and then you can praise him for giving you pleasure that no one esle ever has. Basically what I am saying is do something where he isn't going to think " I hope I am doing this better then John did"

Go forth and be bold but do it together and with out saying " I never did that with John" let him know that this was something that is new for you.

Good Luck

Holden

If you don't like my advise thats ok I am just a guy what do I know when it comes to relationships!

 

[Guest]

 

[peachykeen]

is it my imagination. or haven't we covered this ground already? Or am I thinking of someone else with the same issue?

 

[ExtacyCouple]

I say invite "John" over for a little threesome action and then your boyfriend would quickly realize that he is just as good as "john" and has nothing to worry about.

In all seriousness though, you should probably stop talking to John if it bothers your boyfriend that much. Think about it, your relationship with him was a little shady in the first place so he has good reason to jealous. it deosn't matter if you are just friends now. My guess is that the only reason you are "just friends" is because you chose to stop sleeping with him and if you decided today that you wanted to start sleeping with him today he would quickly jump on board. He is a guy!

Just my thought on the subject.

 

[sheath]

In response to all of you:

Peachy: yes, I did post something a while back about my boyfriend's jealousy. We did work through those issues and it seems that this is the only problem we have left. The main problem we have with the "John" situation is when it comes to our time together in the bedroom, not in everyday situations. He's become much more relaxed about the jealousy issues. So...I feel this is a little different. I hope I explained that properly...?

Emerald: John and I talk for business reasons, that is all. Given the nature of our professions, our paths necessarily cross. My boyfriend understands this. (John's wife doesn't know about me, apparently.) John and I keep our conversations to pleasantries and business, nothing more.

Chele: I think you addressed the same thing Emerald did, about John still being in my life...cutting John out of my life is impossible, for business reasons, unless we both change our professions. (I can't imagine doing that...I love what I do!) However, my boyfriend tells me that he doesn't have a problem with the current contact John and I have. It's the past that bothers him, the sexual past.

Holden: Thank you...and that is a good suggestion, I think. I've actually done that. He sometimes asks me flat-out if John ever did that, and I can honestly say no. I hate to make comparisons, but the fact is, my boyfriend is much more creative in bed than John ever was. So we have done quite a lot that John never did. But that "glow" of knowing he's the only one seems to last for just that night...and by the next night, all those doubts my boyfriend feels tend to come back.

Bent: The reassurance from me is pretty constant. And you are right, it is getting very taxing. Which is why I'm here asking for advice.

Thank you all for your advice thus far. I appreciate it. I hope I have clarified a few points...any more suggestions?

S.

 

[Guest]

 

[sheath]

I say invite "John" over for a little threesome action and then your boyfriend would quickly realize that he is just as good as "john" and has nothing to worry about.

In all seriousness though, you should probably stop talking to John if it bothers your boyfriend that much. Think about it, your relationship with him was a little shady in the first place so he has good reason to jealous. it deosn't matter if you are just friends now. My guess is that the only reason you are "just friends" is because you chose to stop sleeping with him and if you decided today that you wanted to start sleeping with him today he would quickly jump on board. He is a guy!

Just my thought on the subject.

I was writing that last response at the same time you were writing this, apparently...

Like I said to Chele and Emerald, my conversations with John are all about business. In fact, I have allowed my boyfriend to listen to the conversations I have with John, hoping to set his mind at ease. And he does not have a problem with the contact.

I agree, the relationship with John was not above-board. My boyfriend tells me that he has no worries about me going to John or cheating...he trusts me about it. It is simply those images in his head that he cannot shake. If he were worried about an affair in the here and now, I could deal with that. But this problem stems from something I did before my boyfriend came along, a part of my past. I'm not sure how to fight that...



S.

 

[ExtacyCouple]

Tell him to get over it because just about everybody he dates is going to have some past experience. Is he going to freak out every time.

 

[SexyChele]

In the case of you having to do continued business with "John", then I would have to second ExtacyCouple's take.

Your boyfriend is going to have to over come his issues, unless he goes out and finds a virgin. That's just the way it is and he has to accept that you are with him for a reason or leave.

I would be curious, since I've forgotten what you said about this the last time it came up for discussion. How much sexual experience does your boyfriend have? Could it be that your experiences have been more and that is the root cause of his insecurity?

Whatever it might be, he needs to realize that you cannot turn back the clock. Also, every experience you have had in the past has formed and shaped the woman you are today. If he loves and wants the woman that you are, he must realize and understand that you come as a total package.

Good luck to you. I wish I had something more substantial to tell you.

 

[Bent]

Keep John...

I have a male friend, who means the world to me. We share alot together, no not everything, but we are very comfortable and I feel, we are 'ourselves' when we talk or in those face to face moments.

I have had to endure all the jealousy, and 'you can't remain friends with him' BS, but you know what...weigh the pros and cons of it all...and decide for yourself, because I don't agree that just because your honey has issues with this guy, or your past, that he has any right to dictate who your friends are. Husband or not.

You are an individual adult, with individual adult needs, desires, friends, enemies, and you don't need someone else trying to place relevence with anyone, or anywhere in your life.

Your friend means the world to you, then keep him. Period. I will keep mine for as long as he will have me, and I will have him. Friendships are most definately like marriages...they shouldn't be entered into lightly and they shouldn't be tossed aside without serious consideration, if at all.

My committment lays with those that have remained committed to me, even if they are just my friends.

That's just how I feel.

 

[Guest]

Re: Keep John...

 

[James G 5]

My only comment is that this is one of those instances where too much honesty can be a bad thing

All too often, discussing the past can lead to future discomfort

You say your boyfriend feels John must've been "better", or that he sees him during certain acts...did you discuss details?

There are times when it's best just to say "I'd rather not discuss that relationship/person/etc"

Unfortunately, for some people, men & women both, once these sort of things go in to someone's mind it can be hard to overcome without therapy

 

[Tantrikenetic]

Keep telling your boyfriend how much you appriciate him and how much he means to you. As has been said earlier, the jealousy spawns from insecurity and the best you can do is try and boost his self esteem without making it sound like pity. When he brings up "John", avoid all comparissons, even ones in his favor; they may sound false even if they aren't. The best tactic is to tell him that you don't want "John", you want him.

I know because I'm an insecure guy who's too jealous for his own good as well
You can't fight this demon for him, but you can support him as much as possible, and that's the best.

 

[heavenly body]

I have to agree with Emerald. If you want your relationship to work and are commited to it then look for another job. In the future it is better to keep quiet about the details. Try and put yourself in your bf's postion. If he had an ex and was seeing her frequently it would probably bother you. The fact that John was married when he had a relationship with you speaks to his personal integrity. It would bother me too if I were in your bf's postion. If you weren't seeing John on a regular basis it would help him get past it. I am not saying it is right but it is understandable. I think most of us have a bit of insecurity about us. I am not saying it is right but it is reality. You might try asking your boyfriend what it will take to help him get past this issue. Then decide what is right for you. Good Luck.

 

[Guest]

Tell your bf to get over it. If he can only see images of this John person while attempting to have sex..then maybe the issue is something much more deeper than jealousy.

I definately do not think that you should change your profession, which you said you loved, to avoid an ex lover. As long as you keep it on a professional level...who cares?

And...I don't believe you should have to give up a friendship over a boyfriend. Boyfriends leave... unless you marry them and even then you have that great possibility that it won't last. And its completely stupid to have to end a friendship over some insecurities.

 

[sheath]

Several good points to ponder...

In response to all:

Chele: my boyfriend has been with more women, but I have had more long-term relationships than he has. In the vast scheme of "trying this and that" it seems that I am more experienced than he is. Of course, a long-term relationship is more stable and comfortable than a weekender! He tells me sometimes that he feels a little jealous, that I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful relationships in the past. He hasn't really had that for himself.

Bent (and Emerald): Like I said before, he is a business associate. Although we were close once, we have drifted significantly apart. Does he mean the world to me? No.

James: My boyfriend seems to have a real fetish for details. He wants to know everything. I have tried the "I don't want to discuss it" angle. Problem is, if I don't confirm or deny, he assumes that it is a confirmation. In the beginning of our relationship, we had no problem discussing our sexual adventures. In fact, we found it a very interesting part of the other. As we became more involved, that changed. Now those details that we discussed without a problem in the past are now a problem.

Tantrikenetic: I agree with what you have said. I reassure him as often as possible and try to avoid discussing John at all. My boyfriend is by far the best lover I've had, and he seems to relax whenever I tell him that. So I tell him often. But nothing quite registers with him when it comes to sex. I can build him up all day long, and then when we're together at night and the time comes, those doubts hit again. I'm not sure how to fight that particular battle.

heavenly: I am one of the lucky few that has found a job I adore. I make my own hours and my work leaves me perfectly content. Leaving my profession is not an option for me. My boyfriend knows how happy my work makes me, and so he is entirely supportive. Changing professions has never been a thought that crossed his mind.

Jaded: Sometimes it gets really tiring to keep up the constant reassurance. I have never, EVER said anything to him other than the truth...that my boyfriend is the best lover I've had, that I don't want anyone else, and that I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Sometimes I just want to explode and say: Get over it! I'm with you, I love you, and all of my past is something you have to deal with. So deal.

But then I feel badly, because I know he's hurting somewhere inside when he thinks about it.

As I read all this...I feel like I'm doing the things I should do. But I'm still in the dark about how to help him. Does that make sense?

Your advice has given me so much to think about. I'm still formulating opinions somewhere in this mind of mine. Anything you would like to add?

S.

 

[heavenly body]

After reading the information above I have a suggestion. Since this is a significant issue for you both it may be time to seek proffessional help. A good couples therapist could help you. It may help your boyfriend put things in perspective and examine why he choses to focus on something you have no way of changing. Our pasts are just that....past. It is really hard to know what is in anothers heart, what fears and secrets dwell there unless they chose to share. Even then if they are not completely honest it is like delivering mail without an address. Hit and miss. You cannot solve this problem if your boyfriend is unwilling. The question is why is he unwilling? Thats something you may need more help with then this board can give you. I think in your heart you know this. Think about it and then discuss it with him. If he has had trouble in relationships before it may be an opportunity for him to look at why. I wish you luck and hope you find your answers and that they be pleasant.

 

[SexyChele]

After reading the information above I have a suggestion. Since this is a significant issue for you both it may be time to seek proffessional help. A good couples therapist could help you. It may help your boyfriend put things in perspective and examine why he choses to focus on something you have no way of changing. Our pasts are just that....past. It is really hard to know what is in anothers heart, what fears and secrets dwell there unless they chose to share. Even then if they are not completely honest it is like delivering mail without an address. Hit and miss. You cannot solve this problem if your boyfriend is unwilling. The question is why is he unwilling? Thats something you may need more help with then this board can give you. I think in your heart you know this. Think about it and then discuss it with him. If he has had trouble in relationships before it may be an opportunity for him to look at why. I wish you luck and hope you find your answers and that they be pleasant.

Yes, yes, and yes! I was just about to post this, when I read it. Of course, it depends on how deeply you feel about each other to find out if you want to invest the time and money into counseling, but I think your b/f could certainly benefit. It doesn't sound like the "just get over it" advice is going to work with him. Also, as mentioned above, he might need to find out how to manage a long term relationship.

Also, I would completely stop with any and all details of the past. If I were in your shoes, I would simply sit him down and explain to him that he is obviously having problems getting certain images out of his mind, and what is the purpose to simply add additional fuel to the fire? Let him know a non-answer neither signifies a "yes" or a "no" - and if he automatically thinks it means "yes", then he could be causing you both harm.

Again, good luck with this!

 

[James G 5]

Re: Several good points to ponder...

James: My boyfriend seems to have a real fetish for details. He wants to know everything. I have tried the "I don't want to discuss it" angle. Problem is, if I don't confirm or deny, he assumes that it is a confirmation. In the beginning of our relationship, we had no problem discussing our sexual adventures. In fact, we found it a very interesting part of the other. As we became more involved, that changed. Now those details that we discussed without a problem in the past are now a problem.

Anything you would like to add?

S.

Yup
I've been there.....a lot of guys THINK they want details, seem to be hounds for it
But a lot of times the ones who really dig for it are going to be jealous & obsesses about it no matter how much they say otherwise
Not much to do now, cat's out.......but stress to him "past is past" and that you're with him now
And let him know there will be NO more discussions about the past....the way around the "assumed confirmation" is to make it clear that ASKING you, especially if he hounds you about it, is disrespectful
And if this doesn't work out, next go round don't say anything from the start
By & large it's just a bad idea

Good luck

 

[SlickTony]

Hi, Sheath...I agree with what Heavenly Body said about couples therapy. If your boyfriend means that much to you, it is definitely worthwhile looking into it.

No offense, guys, but this seems so much like a young folks' problem. I remember feeling terribly jealous of some of the women in my husband's past, especially since one of them was a girl his SIL used to hang out with in college, but now I've practically forgotten about them all. As for his side, I've got a male friend with whom I was once heavily involved. I used to work with him when I lived overseas. When I first met him, high tech in the office was a temperamental Olivetti typewriter that jumped when I hit the carriage return, and when people called on the phone, I put them on hold by putting my hand over the receiver and paged my supervisors by hollering down the hall. We corresponded with each other for decades and then a while back he got a hotmail account and would IM me in the middle of the night, because it was the start of the business day over where he was. My husband would say, "Hey! Your boyfriend's calling you." However, I've lost touch with him over the last few months, and I'm a little concerned--he's always been good at landing on his feet wherever he's been, but he lives in a part of the world where there is some very dicey political shit going down.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind if my husband got a little jealous sometimes, but he knows perfectly well that I'm not likely to find better even if I go out looking for it.

 

[James G 5]

No offense, guys, but this seems so much like a young folks' problem.

I'm 33 & seeing a 37 y/o and she seems to be having jealousy issues
I don't think it's exclusively an age thing, mebbe just a tad more common in young'uns

 

[sheath]

Again, more EXCELLENT advice...

My boyfriend and I have spent some time talking about this...again, haha.

Some of this might be a jumble because I'm a little pressed for time right now, so if I seem to be a little spacey, forgive me?

I have discussed with him the possibility of counseling. However, over the last few days I am beginning to think that counseling is something he does not want to do. The very mention of counseling for us immediately threw his defenses up. That surprised the hell out of me. I am also very dismayed by it. That is NOT like him, not at all.

Then he confessed to me that he has nightmares about it, and that he has begun drinking on a regular basis. That frightened me quite a bit. And it suddenly made it very clear that this goes far beyond an issue that concerns just our relationship. There is much more there. Luckily, he has begun to seriously examine the problems in his former relationships, so there is a silver lining there.

Unfortunately, that does not alleviate the guilt for me, especially when we argue and a discussion about John is the first place he wants to go. It is becoming clear that he is more angry about my past than he wants to admit, either to himself or to me.

I love him, and I don't want to leave. I still have hope that this can work out. So I suppose my quest for advice has changed a bit. Now my questions run more toward: the gentlest way to coax him toward counseling? What I can do to show my support? (Certainly, I am more than willing to go through counseling with him!) How can I gently steer the conversation to other areas when he mentions John? And should I go the gentle route, even? Is "tough love" something anyone thinks is necessary here? (As in...I want to be with you, but until you get help, I can't be with you?)...

I have made the decision to not discuss John again, ever. I think that is very solid advice, and I thank you all for that. My boyfriend and I have always been very close, and sharing about our pasts has been enjoyable for us, as I mentioned before. But James, I think you are right on target with your advice concerning that. I don't regret discussing the sexual details, but I DO regret discussing the people with which those things happened. Live and learn, and that is certainly the case here.

So far as jealousy and age...my boyfriend is younger than I am, but I'm not sure that matters. He has never been overtly jealous in the few long-term relationships he had before me. I do agree that jealousy kicks in sometimes in any relationship...but I also believe that SOME jealousy can be healthy. It can make a relationship stronger. Yet what my boyfriend and I are dealing with has gone beyond the point of being beneficial in any way. Obviously!

So...bottom line...counseling is something I am trying to talk him into. I am going to get counseling for myself regardless of whether he goes with me or not. I have made my disapproval of his drinking known. I am not discussing John, or anyone else, for that matter. And still, always, I am telling him those things he needs to hear: he is the most incredible lover, I love him deeply, and I have absolutely NO need to look anywhere else.

Like I said before, this is probably a little disjointed and rushed. I'm sorry for that!

Thank you, all of you. If you have anything else to add, of course I will pay attention and I will reply. I appreciate the kindness and concern of everyone on this board. I hope you all know just how helpful you are.

S.