Bored

[Ironfistvk]

As the title says bored to tears. Cannt sleep and cooking now isnt an option (did that at 2am this morning). Bugged as many as I could in here on yahoo . So if anyone is bored cannt sleep etc etc send away a message my way.

 

[Ironfistvk]

To all the people I sent random tells thank you very much for responding

 

[Ironfistvk]

humpty bumpty sat on a wall.......

 

[Ironfistvk]

bouncing along the wall...

 

[Ironfistvk]

thinks he is suffering from insomania....starts to rub his hands to get ready to send random msgs again to see how many will bite.

 

[smile_n_laugh]

enjoy yourself

Don't use this site as a treatment for insomnia...

 

[Ironfistvk]

Don't use this site as a treatment for insomnia...

no? really? why not?

 

[Ironfistvk]

bump if someone wants to talk be it books, games, rp idle chit chat etc.

 

[Ironfistvk]

anyone else bored and want to talk? in here yahoo or msn doesnt matter

 

[Firecracker0823]

awww dont be bored

 

[Ironfistvk]

cannt be help

 

[Ironfistvk]

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it.

On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.

The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in your ear?"

The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a carrot in my ear."

 

[Ironfistvk]

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."

The second guy says "No Way!"

So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.

The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."

All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."

All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.

The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."

 

[Ironfistvk]

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[icequeen928]

Haha, I like that last joke. good times

 

[Ironfistvk]

Have lots of parrot ones

 

[Ironfistvk]

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you stupid cow."

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squarks, "And get me another whisky you airhead."

Quite upset, the poor girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now you stupid idiot."

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

As they plunge downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."

 

[Ironfistvk]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

[Ironfistvk]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

 

[Ironfistvk]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

 

[Ironfistvk]

My favourite

What Women Want in a Man

When they first start dating

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. Imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 32

1. Nice looking (hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 42

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 52

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 62

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 72

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[Ironfistvk]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 

[Ironfistvk]

Men Are Like...

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets.

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like parking spots.

The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

 

[Ironfistvk]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 

[Ironfistvk]

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"