Books on sex in relationships

[catimann]

GF is a somewhat lost soul who just has never opened her eyes.
I can teach only so much and she gets into lots of great stuff but when I get the reply "Normal people don't do that." then I get frustrated. Because I am normal, a normal lust craving sex maniac male.

I'm looking for a book that describes modern dating, relationships, clubs scene, sex etc. that would clue her into the world we live in. Fiction is good if it deals with it in a good story.

 

[dannyboy1958]

opening your GF eyes ( and more maybe )

some of the stories on here are pretty good, but try the erotic review UK . it used to be a monthly magazine that arrived in a nice plain envelope by post. Me and the wife used to enjoy reading it in bed and it did no end of wonders in the experimentation department.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Surely what "normal people" do isn't the point. Nobody's required to be normal, especially not behind closed doors.

BUT, if what she really means is "I don't want to do that", then she has every right to make that call and it needs to be respected.

I suggest talking to her and asking whether it is just "normal" that's concerning her. or if she simply doesn't want to do those things.

 

[Ewobbit]

Surely what "normal people" do isn't the point. Nobody's required to be normal, especially not behind closed doors.

BUT, if what she really means is "I don't want to do that", then she has every right to make that call and it needs to be respected.

I suggest talking to her and asking whether it is just "normal" that's concerning her. or if she simply doesn't want to do those things.

100% this.

Here's the skinny from someone that's been there, done that, and got the scars.

Masters and Johnson, once the pinnacle of sex guru-dom, split up.

Alex Comfort ("The Joy of Sex") got a divorce not long after it's first printing.

I could go on, but why bother. YOU are the expert on what it is you want and don't want. Your significant other is the expert on what it is they want and don't want. Anyone else that tells you they know how either of you tick is selling something.

The most, the absolute most, that anyone else can offer is idea of something to try. They can't tell you whether you (or s/he) will like it.

And if you are looking for ideas to try, go to the source that all the rest are based off. Vātsyāyana, "Kama Sutra" (@ 400 bce) There might (MIGHT) be something someone has come up with that wasn't discussed there, but if so I haven't encountered it.

Anything else is just taking responsibility for your own needs and desires rather than copping out by citing what someone else says they should be. And deciding whether you wish to meet the needs and desires of your partner.

 

[catimann]

Yes I get that and I do respect her and she has tried and liked many things. It is simply a matter of lack of knowledge. She is a great woman and I can't complain, much.

For example this came up after we watched Eyes Wide Shut. "Normal people don't do that" was the first thing out of her mouth. OK maybe not exactly that way but swinging is done by a lot of people. I tried to explain but it is like hitting a brick wall. I was not asking her to do it, just talking about it after the movie and the door just slammed shut, so to speak.
Thus the idea of a book.

As for the divorce part brought up by Ewobbit. I do not think bad sex, in itself, is reason for divorce (well maybe sometimes). I know lots of guys who are still married and not happy with the sex life. My Ex got rid of me and fucked me the next day. She had found another guy and everything else about me was just no good any more. 5 years on she told me I was better LOL. Nice to hear but she is still the ex and she is still with him and happy. Good for her. I happen to like my GF more too.
One 85 year old woman I once met told me "After 25 years it should be a 5 year renewable contract." After telling this to like 20 other guys who were divorced after between 20-25 years most have agreed.

I had a discussion with a Doctor friend who said sex was a big part of it but if you grow apart then you grow apart. He sees couples where the woman wants more sex and vice versa. I suggested that the couples who stay together for ever are the ones where everything is a perfect match. He agreed.

 

[fire_breeze]

Yes I get that and I do respect her and she has tried and liked many things. It is simply a matter of lack of knowledge. She is a great woman and I can't complain, much.

For example this came up after we watched Eyes Wide Shut. "Normal people don't do that" was the first thing out of her mouth. OK maybe not exactly that way but swinging is done by a lot of people. I tried to explain but it is like hitting a brick wall. I was not asking her to do it, just talking about it after the movie and the door just slammed shut, so to speak.
Thus the idea of a book.

As for the divorce part brought up by Ewobbit. I do not think bad sex, in itself, is reason for divorce (well maybe sometimes). I know lots of guys who are still married and not happy with the sex life. My Ex got rid of me and fucked me the next day. She had found another guy and everything else about me was just no good any more. 5 years on she told me I was better LOL. Nice to hear but she is still the ex and she is still with him and happy. Good for her. I happen to like my GF more too.
One 85 year old woman I once met told me "After 25 years it should be a 5 year renewable contract." After telling this to like 20 other guys who were divorced after between 20-25 years most have agreed.

I had a discussion with a Doctor friend who said sex was a big part of it but if you grow apart then you grow apart. He sees couples where the woman wants more sex and vice versa. I suggested that the couples who stay together for ever are the ones where everything is a perfect match. He agreed.

Not everybody is into swinging - doesn't make it normal or not. According to the Kinsey Institute, only 2-4 percent of couples are regular swingers; I'd hardly call that 'normal' if by "normal" you mean an activity that is done by the average person within the regular parameters. It just makes it is. Not everybody is highly sexual, who wants to get it down and dirty 9 times a week. Not everybody is into kinky monkey sex.

Sex is highly subjective to one's personal experiences, social upbringing and cultural environment. One person's 'normal' is another person's hard limit.

Knowledge requires critical thinking. Yes, you can spout out information, but without thought, it's just information. What Bram is suggesting, and what you will find as a general consensus on the How-To, is that you sit down and discuss with your girlfriend what she considers to be normal (and why). And you do this without judgement, because honestly, at times your post read a bit judgemental. Then you figure out if you are sexually compatible and how important that is.

As for your doctor friend, I disagree. Couples stay together for a variety of reasons, but most often, they stay together because of love, mutual respect, a desire to grow together and here's the clincher: they have communication. Most couples who are perfect match, which is a mathematical improbability, do not necessarily stay together because they are too alike. A relationship is an organic entity, that ebbs and flows. Without change, like anything organic, it dies. And again, how do you define a 'perfect' match: under what paradigm is perfection defined? How do you factor in cultural nuances - what is considered to be a perfect match in the USofA is not considered to be a perfect match in the Balkans, or in Northern Africa or in Latin American societies.

Bottom line, to reiterate Bram: you can throw a bunch of literature at her, but if she doesn't want to do something, if it's not 'normal' for her, then respect her and don't bring it up (or if it's something that is vital for your wellbeing, break up with her).

In other words: communicate.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

D(.)(.)

I met my husband when we were still in high school. We've had a long great sex life and not much of it was learned in books or movies.
It takes love and trust. I'm still learning and loving it.

 

[LadyVer]

You and your gf have to work through what works for you both. If your gf is under 40, she's still under the delusion that there is a normal and normal people have their shit together, and good women only do certain things. Everyone is screwed up to some extent, and we all have to learn that what pleases our partner may not be on our bucket list. And most of us have a line we won't cross. Communication and trying to understand your partner can help. If I had known that my last bf wanted me to RP that he was my brother, I would have ended our relationship sooner. I finally realized that no matter how I tried to please him, it was all about his needs.

 

[Ewobbit]

The funny thing about Doctors, they pretty much make educated guesses. After three days, I was really tired of feeling the broken ends of my fibia sliding across each other with every step I took and went to a Doctor who I told it was broken. He did some bloodwork and tried to say it wasn't. At my insistence, he sent me to x-ray and two technicians there said I was right, it was broken. The doctor, however insisted it was not because there was not the indicators in the bloodwork that would show the marrow was exposed. I had to sit there and explain how I had first broken it two decades earlier, then rebroken it two months after, then again four years later and finally this last time. Therefore, the ends were calcified over and encapsulated the marrow within the two halves so it couldn't leak out. But, that the bone was still broken and with each step would slide across each other and down into the muscle causing further damage.

It wasn't until he finally cut it open and saw the damage that he would admit it was broken and pinned it back together.

Now, here's the thing. Was it normal for me to be able to walk on a broken leg? No. It was possible as it was only the fibia whereas the load bearing tibia had managed to calcify strongly enough that it was undamaged after the first time. And because I have a documented higher pain threshold. Was it normal to have a bone RE-break in the exact same location? It is not. "Normally" broken bones calcify over stronger than they were before. Was it normal for the marrow to not be exposed, allowing for a divergence in the bloodwork? It was not.

But, at the end of the day, it did not matter what was normal. It did not matter what anyone else, including the doctor, thought based on their own "Johari's Window" or "Frame of Reference". What mattered was that I had a need that was not being met and kept on communicating it until it was.

And it has been one hell of a relief to be able to limp along without feeling those ends gouging down, I can tell you.

As far as the rest, some relatively recent pickings for you to dig through if you are interested.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-is-normal

https://cosmoscon.com/2012/05/17/people-arent-normal/

*****

http://www.top10stop.com/lifestyle/...rce-and-marriage-breakdowns-stats-from-the-us

http://www.divorcestatistics.info/some-common-causes-and-reasons-for-divorce.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grounds_for_divorce_(United_States)

http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/divorce.html

*****

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/3713/9611/7930/Sex_Ed_in_the_US.pdf

Wasn't aware until Fire_Breeze brought it up that Kinsey was still a thing. I'd just assumed they had been debunked along with the majority of Masters and Johnson's work.

But, take it with a grain of salt. Quantitative or qualitative, any statistical analysis is only true for the data set and can only be extrapolated cautiously.

 

[pplwatching]

I don't have anything to add, except to say that you ladies are hitting the ball out of the park . Gents too, but you don't give me a on.

 

[Ewobbit]

I don't have anything to add, except to say that you ladies are hitting the ball out of the park . Gents too, but you don't give me a on.

It's the hairy feet, isn't it? It's okay. I get that a lot.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Not everybody is into swinging - doesn't make it normal or not. According to the Kinsey Institute, only 2-4 percent of couples are regular swingers; I'd hardly call that 'normal' if by "normal" you mean an activity that is done by the average person within the regular parameters. It just makes it is. Not everybody is highly sexual, who wants to get it down and dirty 9 times a week. Not everybody is into kinky monkey sex.

Yep. My partner and I are polyamorous; we've both had several other lovers in our time together, and for us it works pretty well. But it's definitely NOT for everybody; I've known several people who pushed themselves into polyamory when they just weren't wired for it, and it was an unmitigated disaster.

As for your doctor friend, I disagree. Couples stay together for a variety of reasons, but most often, they stay together because of love, mutual respect, a desire to grow together and here's the clincher: they have communication. Most couples who are perfect match, which is a mathematical improbability, do not necessarily stay together because they are too alike. A relationship is an organic entity, that ebbs and flows. Without change, like anything organic, it dies. And again, how do you define a 'perfect' match: under what paradigm is perfection defined? How do you factor in cultural nuances - what is considered to be a perfect match in the USofA is not considered to be a perfect match in the Balkans, or in Northern Africa or in Latin American societies.

Yep again. My partner and I have a lot in common, and that's what got us together in the first place, but it's unrealistic to think we're always going to see eye to eye. What's kept us together is the ability to mend the things that get broken.

 

[amofiga]

Some good advice and I can't add much. People define what is "normal" from their own eyes and brain and heart. Swinging, polyamorus open marriages, kink, etc must come from within the person if it's really to work. It has to be part of their own desires or it becomes a "chore" that they do to please somebody else. That in turn breeds anger and resentment. Trust me, I've been there. My wife is probably more open and kinky than average, but not enough to really hit my desire. I've tried to talk her into more and I just get anger, cold shoulder, lectures that I'm too over the top, "regular" (not normal) people don't to that. Etc. It's unfortunate that young people, when they first seek a long term or marriage partner, either aren't honest enough at the time to reveal their true selves and desires that emerge later on, or they do change and become more open minded at a different rate and extent than their partners. It's why so many marriages fail or spawn affairs after about 10-15 years. One or the other starts to feel "trapped", "supressed". "frustrated", "limited" and then start fantasizing about looking elsewhere. Often the fantasy turns real. I have become amazed over the past 50 years (yes I'm old) of how many frustrated married men AND women find their little oasis on the other side of the fence. In most cases, the spouse never suspects and all can go well. In some cases, the cat gets out of the bag, the shit hits the fan, and other clichés happen. Then it all goes to hell. The best advice anybody can give a young married couple that still has stars in their eyes is that the stars fade one day and marriage is no easy trip. It can have it's rewards, but I suspect that only about one in five are at a high compatibility level where both partners truly know and understand, and accept each other. Another one if five is so bad it goes down the crapper easily. The other three in five are at various levels of frustration and tension and could go on for years that way. If you can get people to trust you and talk to you honestly, you'll find the truth. Yes, mending fences and compromise keep the train on the track, but the ride isn't always as smooth and as much fun as you may want it to be.

 

[shiny5437]

On the book front, 'come as you are' by Emily nagoski is a really good and sensible read about sexuality. If the OP is as willing to change his mind as much as he wants his wife to change hers then this book is a good place to start.

 

[catimann]

On the book front, 'come as you are' by Emily nagoski is a really good and sensible read about sexuality. If the OP is as willing to change his mind as much as he wants his wife to change hers then this book is a good place to start.

It's all worth looking at.
Then finding her TED talk has also opened new options and other TED talks that are out there that we can watch.

A lot of you kept coming back to communication. Well you can talk till you are blue in the face but if you don't speak the same language then things are a bit harder. Another way to look at it is you both want to talk about cars but one of you only knows this. You put gas in it and it runs.

 

[SpiritSeeker]

Great Books on sex in relationships by David Deida

http://deida.info/the-enlightened-sex-manual/

http://deisa.info/dear-lover