* Bloopers, signs and headlines :

[wildsweetone]

(A friend sent me this via email today. I thought it was good enough to share with other Authors. Interesting lessons to note.)


Bloopers, signs and headlines:

JAIL MAY HAVE TO CLOSE DOORS (Richard Lederer)

MAN FOUND DEAD IN CEMETERY (Richard Lederer)

WARRING FACTIONS DON'T AGREE (Richard Lederer)

CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER
(Richard Lederer)

ARMLESS MUSICIAN TOUCHES AUDIENCE (Richard Lederer)

Entrepreneur Magazine ad: Publicize your business
absolutely free! Send $6. (Douglas Helsel)

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." (Andrea)

NEWSCASTER: You have just heard the news from in and around the nation
.. and now to Pauline Fredericks for the latest news from a broad!
(Kermit Schafer)

"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as
the dead man was crossing the intersection." (JoLene)

The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was
announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to
correct. (Pastor Tim)

Olympics commentator Sally Gunnel: The girls are all very tired; they
have already had six big events between their legs already. (Jill's Joke
Line)

WFIL radio in Philadelphia gave its listeners this surprising bit of
public service information: "So hurry folks, and deposit your letters
now. We'll be waiting for your droppings in the box." (Kermit Schafer)

This has been reported to be on a tombstone in Yarmouth:
"OWEN MOORE HAS GONE AWAY
OWIN' MORE THAN HE CAN PAY" (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

 

[ffreak]

• The New York Times, November 22
  Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
  
• The Los Angeles Times, November 2
  Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
  
• Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
  'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
  
• The Hartford Courant, November 18
  Alcohol ads promote drinking
  
• The Baltimore Sun, October 22
  Malls try to attract shoppers
  
• The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
  Official: Only rain will cure drought
  
• The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
  Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
  
• Newsday, July 11
  Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
  
• The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
  Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
  
• The New York Times, March 10
  Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
  
• The Los Angeles Times, March 2
  Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
  
• The Oregonian, January 28
  Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
  
• Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
  Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
  
• Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
  Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
  
• Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
  Economist uses theory to explain economy
  
• Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
  Bible church's focus is the Bible
  
• Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
  Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
  
• Journal of Commerce, April 20
  Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
  
• The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
  Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
  
• The Los Angeles Times, June 23
  Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
  
• Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
  How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem
  
  and my favorites:
  
• Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
  Fish lurk in streams
  
• The Miami Herald, July 3
  Man shoots neighbor with machete
  
• Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
  Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
  
• The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
  Lack of brains hinders research

-FF

 

[destinie21]

There was a misprint in the supermarkert ad this week.

Kosher Porkchops 2.99 lb

 

[ffreak]

So was that on the dairy side?

-FF

 

[damppanties]

more

Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:


Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.


For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.


Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.


Great Dames for sale.


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.


Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.


Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


Stock up and save. Limit: one.


We build bodies that last a lifetime


Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last


For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.


Man, honest. Will take anything.


Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.


Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.


Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!


Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.


Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.


Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.


See ladies blouses. 50% off!


Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.


Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.


Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.


And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.




ps. ffreak, loved "Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men."

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: more

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.


Great Dames for sale.


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.


Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Looks like this thread is turning into a story ideas thread (or maybe I just have a dirty mind.)

 

[ffreak]

I like: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

wonder what shade of red it comes-in.

-FF

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The White Sox have a pitcher named Bartolo Colon.

In case you can't already imagine the kinds of headlines his name inspires, here's a random list"

Colon Sparkles

Colon earns mates' respect

Colon Picks Up The Pace

So far there's been no "Colon Blows It", but it's not too late.


--dr.M.

 

[MathGirl]

The White Sox have a pitcher named Bartolo Colon.

Dear Dr M,
I can hardly wait for the headline after a good performance: "Colon Wrecked 'em"
Journalistically,
MG

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks for this. Made me laugh until I cried.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

These are great. Yep I agree with Weird Harold, there's a lot of story ideas in amongst them.

Hiya DP welcome back (I am going to get to your story this week - last week was a bit of an oddball for me).

The Earl, I'm glad you're enjoying them. I needed the light relief too.

 

[damppanties]

Hiya DP welcome back

I've been right here, for some time now. You've been missing though.

 

[MathGirl]

Dear Ms Panties,
A question: It says you're from "The land of the Kama Sutra." I have a cousin who lives in Fresno.
Geographically,
MG

 

[Jenny _S]

I recall seeing a sign some years ago after The Peter Milling Company was bought out by Gender Machine Works. The sign read:

"Gender Machine Works - Peter Division"

One wonders where the made the pussies.

 

[ffreak]

I bet they have quite a backlog of applicants for the Quality Assurance department.

-FF

 

[wildsweetone]

I've been right here, for some time now. You've been missing though.

Yes, partly because I managed to upset a few authors and partly because I've been working on the Snippettsville project and partly because I've had a bit of a rough week or two familywise. It kind of all combined to give me a more healthy perspective in certain areas of my life.

Anyhow, I'm back and hoping to get to The Ides of February this week.

 

[damppanties]

Dear Ms Panties,
A question: It says you're from "The land of the Kama Sutra." I have a cousin who lives in Fresno.
Geographically,
MG

Dear Ms MG,
Where is the question part of your question?
Questioningly,
-DP.

Yes, partly because I managed to upset a few authors and partly because I've been working on the Snippettsville project and partly because I've had a bit of a rough week or two familywise. It kind of all combined to give me a more healthy perspective in certain areas of my life.

Anyhow, I'm back and hoping to get to The Ides of February this week.

Nice to see you back sweetone. Hope everything's fine and settled in your life now.

 

[wildsweetone]

Dear Ms MG,
Where is the question part of your question?
Questioningly,
-DP.




Nice to see you back sweetone. Hope everything's fine and settled in your life now.

'sall good. At least, it's nothing that a decent whack with a mallet couldn't fix.

(ps... i'm getting to your story, i promise i am. )

 

[damppanties]

'sall good. At least, it's nothing that a decent whack with a mallet couldn't fix.

Poor mallet.

 

[wildsweetone]

Poor mallet, DP?

I didn't say mallard.

I didn't say mullet.

Mallet is what I said and meant... I just checked in the dictionary! lol


Whew *wiping brow* You had me thinking there for a minute

 

[damppanties]

What can I say? I just love tools.

(Don't mind me. It's just my weird SOH)


I looked up mallet in the dictionary and it informs me that it is -A tool with a large head, used to strike a surface without damaging it. Now that's suggestive!

 

[wildsweetone]

flip, there's a story in that too.

i need 10 days in a week!