Blood Lust Ch 01

[BlackSnake]

This is my first Erotic Horror story. I would like to get some feedback on it. As I am hoping that this story series will do very well, I am working on the second chapter and I want to make better.

Blood Lust Ch 01

 

[BlackShanglan]

For want of time, I am jotting notes as I go - so my comments are in order of appearance rather than any more structured format.

One assumed that the "sequenced" thong is in fact "sequined"?

That minor nitpick aside, I quite enjoyed the way that you set this up. Just as my hackles were rising at the ludicrous thought of a man who had an entire nightclub staff wrung to a pitch of suicidal loyalty, you dropped in that nice little qualifier - the dancers are human. The rest, by suggestion, are not - and suddenly the "live to serve" mentality becomes enticing rather than annoying. Hmmm, what are these creatures? This is nicely handled.

There are some more grammatical / typo errors where they enter the club - "cover" for "covered" and "the" for "they."

Good job on making Lapierre's entrance creepy. I like the dimming of the lights and the "ominous" - and it is - but subtle description of his growing cock.

The orgasm from Nina seems rather hasty, albeit interesting given the unusual dimensions of her tongue. I think it could use a bit more detail and slightly slower development. Let Drew enjoy it - it's not every day a woman finds someone with a tongue capable of tickling her cervix. Similarly, she orgasms with Nina's tongue in her ass, but it's rather perfunctory, as if the author is not particularly interested in the sensation and only includes the orgasm at all because it seems to be obligatory or to fulfill some plot purpose. If the sex is going to be there, give us some good, evocative sex. Nina should certainly be capable of it with a tongue like that. Show us more of Drew's thoughts, sensations, and reactions; these will drive home the power of the sensations.

OK, the menstruation. Are you suggesting that by pure coincidence, she starts right that moment? It seems hard to buy, but I'm sure you're aware of the complications that arise if she's started before. She'd hardly show up to strip naked on a stage without having introduced barriers to Nina's oral possession of her. I'd almost suggest pushing this further and suggesting that Nina somehow makes this begin - that she has a weird, creepy control over the blood that she craves, or something like that. It would add nicely to the horror element and tie up some loose ends.

"Spasmic" apepars to be intended as "spasmodically." You need the adverb form there; it modifies a verb.

"Fags" one assumes was meant to be "fangs."

By the end of the sex scene, I am frustrated by Drew's lack of response. A woman with a tongue that would appear by modest estimates to be at least six inches long is drinking her menstrual blood, and Drew doesn't seem to have any thoughts on the topic. The creepiness/horror aspect of this could be strongly developed through some sense of Drew's reactions. As it is, she is blank, and we miss a chance to experience the act more directly through her reaction to it.

I liked the hot five-way scene, although personally, I like more physical detail. Still, the lingering emphasis on the dripping cum is rather nicely kinky.

When Sheila shakes off the image of the dead dancer at the club, I was torn. I liked the sudden, violently disturbing image that swims up from her memory. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine that she really just shakes it off. Might this be another place to suggest the power of Lapierre's crew - i.e., she feels a sudden compulsion to forget it, or when she tries to think about her mind goes fuzzy and it slips away, or something like that?

On the whole I liked this story. The horror elements are set up well; just here and there, I felt that with more detail and more sensation, I would be drawn in more strongly.

Hope it helps. Return feedback on any of my work (http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=390104&page=submissions) is greatly appreciated.

Shanglan

 

[BlackSnake]

...

Hope it helps. Return feedback on any of my work (http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=390104&page=submissions) is greatly appreciated.

Shanglan

Thanks I really appreciate the feedback. I'm working on chapter 2.

Is it possible to add aditional editing to a story already posted?

Which one of your stories you want reviewed?

 

[BlackSnake]

I wouldn’t be the best to review anyone’s story. I figured that out as I read “Sweetness & Servitude Ch. 05”

Sorry, it seemed to be very labored and wordy without movement to me.

You seemed to have taken great care in your use of synonyms, which I think added to its wordiness. I couldn’t feel the emotion you described. I plucked the following paragraph:

…
He lifted his lips from her for a bare instant and Bridey moaned, a sobbing appeal for the return of the sweet caress. Then she shuddered to a higher, gasping cry as he slid his tongue into her body and licked and thrust hungrily there. She clung to him and cradled his head as gently as her fierce response could allow, gasping out his name as he brought her to aching, trembling adoration. The writhing penetration of her body drove wild desire through her, until she could do no more than arch helplessly with the power of it and cling to his body. She was beyond thought or care, guilt or propriety, and simply shuddered with him as he slid a gentle finger over her lips and brought it to touch and stroke the center of pleasure. She felt the hot, twitching throb building in her, the blinding ecstasy spiraling to release, and she broke and cried out his name, begging and pleading, voicing her wild arousal ecstatically as she felt the shuddering rapture grow closer with every second.
…

It had good descriptions, but lack intencity, and it still was a good story.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Yes, that is indeed my characteristic weakness. No matter how I try, I still end up needing to get in there with the hedge clippers and whack back the verbiage. The worst thing is that I know I am doing it; I know that excessive description diffuses rather than amplifies the power of the passage. And yet ... I blunder into it every time. Bridey is a particular nuisance on that front because she's a straight-from-the-convent ingenue and has no simple, blunt words for things.

*sigh*

Such is my doom. A horse of high principles and weak execution.


Thanks for the feedback, Blacksnake - much appreciated and, I think, quite accurate. It's on the docket for such time as I get back to revising that series.

Shanglan

 

[BlackSnake]

...

Such is my doom. A horse of high principles and weak execution.


Thanks for the feedback, Blacksnake - much appreciated and, I think, quite accurate. It's on the docket for such time as I get back to revising that series.

Shanglan

All is not lost because it is a very good story. Try reading it fast, like a reader on the edge of their seat wanting know what is going to happen next.