Blew it with a new Dom

[smallgirl]

I am new to the forum and a D/s "virgin" although I've been seeking a Dom on and off for years and know exactly what I am looking for.

Well, lo and behold, the Dom of my dreams came knocking on my door 12 days ago on FetLife, fully equipped with similar kinks, a great personality, physical attractiveness, and into the same "traditional style" of BDSM. We chatted on Kik for a solid week and made plans to get lunch. During the week we exchanged nonstop back-and-forth texts, and a phone call, and he had me start writing reports at night to get used to some basic things he'd have me do as his sub, along with sharing my calendar with him. We had great conversations and chemistry.

One night he stopped responding though and from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning I didn't hear anything from him, which was REALLY out of character from what we had been doing (an albeit, unsustainable back-and-forth 24/7). Our date was Monday. I don't know if he was testing me, but I failed. I assumed he was ghosting, as I've had that happen once before recently and it REALLY wounded me. I reacted and sent him two totally disrespectful e-mails that were 100% out of line and made me look like a crazy bitch. On Sunday he wrote to say he was sick and out of town. I began to apologize profusely, but the minute he read my e-mails he texted me, "Read your messages. Take care."

I have apologized profusely and tried to ask for forgiveness via a letter/report, two e-mails, lots of unread Kik messages (though he hasn't blocked me) and a message on FetLife with no response. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself and could use advice. Should I continue to grovel at his feet (the sub in my head says "YES" grovel and beg for forgiveness), or back away and dust myself off with a hard lesson learned?

I have never done something so rash and stupid, and I just can't shake it that I did something like this with the ONE Dom that I felt a connection with. Talk about irony. Maybe I am feeding into some vapid fantasy from sheer desperation though.

Could totally use a pep talk/ tough love/ support. Either way, learned a hard lesson and know to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Sounds like he was married.

 

[ouiouilezizi]

Just something to consider, as you sort out where you feel comfortable in this whole kinkywhateveritis...

"Contracts" won't keep you safe. They aren't enforceable. There isn't anything that requires someone who says "I want you as my submissive. Lets write a contract." to actually do what the contract says.

In fact, lots and lots of people have relationships involving power dynamics, without ever going near the concept of a "contract".

Date. Meet people. Find someone who you have stuff in common with. Ask lots of questions. Move at your own pace. Go to munches (if you feel like it). Find play partners in the local scene (if you feel like it). Read books like The New Bottoming Book.

And remember that relationships are relationships are relationships - and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Bought the book! And taking your advice about "relationships are relationships" seriously. Thank you for the advice and support!

 

[ouiouilezizi]

Regarding item "e," the contract:

I've never had a contract. There are so many approaches to BDSM, and to me this is just the flavor of my relationship. I wouldn't have a written contract in a vanilla relationship, and I won't have one with a dominant. I have been asked to complete a BDSM checklist, that's the closest, but it was not an agreement; rather, it was a conversation piece.

Similarly, the concept of "being released" and "asking to be released" is so foreign to me. If one wants to end a relationship, end the relationship. Submitting doesn't mean ceasing to be a person. I'm not judging, but I have primarily seen these phrases pop up in posts by new subs with their brand new doms, at least as far as I can recall.

No of course and I am a new sub in terms of actually going forth and attempting to date in pursuit of an actual D/s relationship. I've known I was a sub though for the past 10 years and during that time have done ample reading on theory, approaches, and talked with people in the community. But DOING is different than theorizing, as I am quickly finding out, and sometimes emotions get the better of us all.

I like the idea of a "contract" or at least, a list of expectations and protocol (that could expand with time), but I am also a Virgo who loves lists, agendas, schedules, and things in writing, so that's essentially why. I don't believe in this idea of "asking to be released" though.

 

[MsAmative]

Gahh, you are all amazing. Really. Thank you for the advice/tough love.

Yes, I acted irrational with my e-mails (never going to do that again... lesson learned that how people act is their karma, but my reaction is my own). Part of my intuition sensed something fishy was up though, hence the reaction. Plenty of people have taken longer to get back to me and I don't sweat it, so I maybe picked up on something. Even my best friend said "I don't buy his excuse. He was either testing you, planning to stand you up on your date, or has a wife he's not telling you about. Maybe he is into leading new subs on/ the chase."

This Dom also believed that ignoring subs is a good punishment (which I 100% disagree with) so all was not perfect and compatible. Plus, I never met him in real life so I just need to relax and learn how to keep those emotions/hormones in check and get to know someone slowly in person before opening up like I did. Being over zealous isn't cute nor safe in this case.

Thank you for reminding me that there are other Doms out there... it's easy to get desperate and lonely in unclaimed sub land (even though I've been in an open vanilla relationship with the love of my life for 7 years).

I haven't read the whole thread and you've noticed some red flags you haven't noticed before so I think you have a decent perspective on things.

I did want to mention that I have also struggled in the past with "ghosting" as you have put it. Its become a pet peeve for me, being left to wonder if they are busy or if it is disinterest. While my experience is on the top side of things it just irks me how so many people disappear a day or two or the day of a meeting or in the middle of getting to know someone in real life after a meet. While I've accepted its something that just happens when connections happen online it can be frustrating and hurtful.

I've been in similar situations where I have said something I wished I regretted and have had the urge to want to share what is on my mind. I have found sometimes that life can get in the way and what appears to be ghosting isn't always.

What I tend to do these days is send a simple email/text/etc when I haven't heard from someone in a characterically long time. I do the best to bite my tongue, and keep it short and sweet. Often it is simply just a "enjoyed talking to you, I hope you are just busy with something else right now and we will talk soon. If not, I hope you find what you are looking for." It provides a closure of sorts and I can walk away. If ending it is what they meant than I will never receive a reply (the expected response). BUT If they are indeed busy - then they will (hopefully) see the message and understand why interaction stopped. I think its easy to get caught up in online communication and say things we might not say to each other face to face. Its much easier to pour out your disappointment or frustration in a digital way and send it. Once its gone we cannot take it back. Food for thought for the future, leaving terms on a positive note means that assumptions made (no matter how sound they seem) don't have to have a negative impact.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Sorry you have had this experience and got upset. I have been internet dating for over a year now and had very similar experiences.....usually they have ended up being married.

But in some cases they are just not ready for a relationship. People can be unpredictable and most have their own issues they are dealing with.

It takes time to meet the right person and sadly some never do.....that's the reality of it.

I wish you all the best and hope you find someone that treats you well.

Sam xx

 

[ouiouilezizi]

I haven't read the whole thread and you've noticed some red flags you haven't noticed before so I think you have a decent perspective on things.

I did want to mention that I have also struggled in the past with "ghosting" as you have put it. Its become a pet peeve for me, being left to wonder if they are busy or if it is disinterest. While my experience is on the top side of things it just irks me how so many people disappear a day or two or the day of a meeting or in the middle of getting to know someone in real life after a meet. While I've accepted its something that just happens when connections happen online it can be frustrating and hurtful.

I've been in similar situations where I have said something I wished I regretted and have had the urge to want to share what is on my mind. I have found sometimes that life can get in the way and what appears to be ghosting isn't always.

What I tend to do these days is send a simple email/text/etc when I haven't heard from someone in a characterically long time. I do the best to bite my tongue, and keep it short and sweet. Often it is simply just a "enjoyed talking to you, I hope you are just busy with something else right now and we will talk soon. If not, I hope you find what you are looking for." It provides a closure of sorts and I can walk away. If ending it is what they meant than I will never receive a reply (the expected response). BUT If they are indeed busy - then they will (hopefully) see the message and understand why interaction stopped. I think its easy to get caught up in online communication and say things we might not say to each other face to face. Its much easier to pour out your disappointment or frustration in a digital way and send it. Once its gone we cannot take it back. Food for thought for the future, leaving terms on a positive note means that assumptions made (no matter how sound they seem) don't have to have a negative impact.

Good advice. Will take it to heart.

I think that this specific Dom was either married, or upon learning more about me wasn't interested and found it easiest to ignore me. Either way, the art of "letting people down kindly with humanity" seems to be a lost art. Although "ghosting" has always been around (Goethe's "Faust" or Mozart's "Don Giovanni" come to mind-- fabulous "ghosting" examples, ha). However technology has certainly ripped away some of the humanity involved with meeting people online. As dehumanized avatars and handles it's even easier to forget that real emotion channels through online exchanges, as removed as they may seem intellectually. Thus it's often easier to block and ignore someone, than to be honest and truthful.

I will personally always contribute positive karma into the world of online dating though, and will never "ghost" on people I am talking to. If someone gives me any of their energy or time, I owe it to them to explain why I no longer wish to talk to them or why I don't think it'll work out.

Again, thank you to everyone who tossed in their advice. Happy to be here in this forum!

 

[hashtag45]

II assumed he was ghosting, as I've had that happen once before recently and it REALLY wounded me. I reacted and sent him two totally disrespectful e-mails that were 100% out of line and made me look like a crazy bitch. On Sunday he wrote to say he was sick and out of town. I began to apologize profusely, but the minute he read my e-mails he texted me, "Read your messages. Take care."
I feel so utterly disgusted with myself and could use advice. .

Hi,
I'm not a member of this forum, but I came across your post earlier on today.
Whereas I personally can't comment on or condemn his 'ghosting' (who knows?),
the above paragraph caught my attention.

Yes, I also believe that it was a mistake to send him those heated emails, and to seek + + contact afterwards, but hei - you Did appologise. And we're all fallible human beings - we all make mistakes.
As for him : to highlight the awkward situation that you found yourself in, to use it to his own advantage, in order to 'save face' ("Read your messages. Take care.") - not cool. In doing that, he showed little consideration for your feelings or for the fact that he made you feel small ("Read your messages" -wtf?). He should have come up with a kinder excuse.

I would say: better now, as opposed to figuring him out at a later stage in your relationship (or once you start getting more emotionally involved). So in fact, you saved yourself a lot of grief.
And I like your final attitude: keep your chin up, he's the a-hole, not you!

ADDIT.
sorry about my written english -2nd-, which makes me sound less professional than I actually am

 

[honeybee_345]

Other Dom's will come. From your explaination this Dom seems to be lacking in communication and is unforgiving. Two things that I look for in my Dom's. I'm just another person with an opinion. I feel that you are better off without him.
Best of luck sweetheart <3 We're here with you.