Black

[fairiesecrets82]

As I lay dying
blood seeps from my rists

the christening stars
shine upon my body

the sound of souls crying
soothes me somehow

I see a shadow dancing
it's dancing upon the grass

whilst laying in an empty field
it floats towards me

i lay frozen
anticipating...

my eyes close uncontrollably
the shadow begins to touch me

carrassing the pale skin
on my thighs
it moves on top of me

i feel "him" spreading my legs apart
i lay there mesmerized
i see nothing but black

"he" moves himself into me
slides in and out
so easily

im not able to move my body
i feel the pressure build
im about to explode

i open my mouth to scream
no sound follows

im able to open my eyes

I see nothing but fire,
horrific souls screaming
they point for me to look

I look
there sits Satan
laughing at me

he opens his mouth, smoke follows
and says, "you just got fucked by
death, little whore, you must stay
and serve me for all eternity"

 

[flyguy69]

Fanciful tales like this are difficult to write well. Readers are better able to overlook shortcomings in the storytelling if it is a story to which they can relate, but in this case it is complete fantasy: there is no provision for readers to fill in the gaps with their own experiences. With the narrator's suicide, rape and damnation all in one poem there are just too many opportunities for the story to derail.

I would pick just one of those themes and develop it more fully.

Rhetorically, abstractions like "christening stars" always throw me off, and there are some grammatical issues to resolve (the subject of "laying" in S5, the subject of "says" in the final strophe). And spelling, of course.

A final thought: the word "somehow" is a very dangerous one in poetry-- it expresses the writer's failure. It is like throwing up your hands and asking the reader to write it for you.

Good luck.

As I lay dying
blood seeps from my rists

the christening stars
shine upon my body

the sound of souls crying
soothes me somehow

I see a shadow dancing
it's dancing upon the grass

whilst laying in an empty field
it floats towards me

i lay frozen
anticipating...

my eyes close uncontrollably
the shadow begins to touch me

carrassing the pale skin
on my thighs
it moves on top of me

i feel "him" spreading my legs apart
i lay there mesmerized
i see nothing but black

"he" moves himself into me
slides in and out
so easily

im not able to move my body
i feel the pressure build
im about to explode

i open my mouth to scream
no sound follows

im able to open my eyes

I see nothing but fire,
horrific souls screaming
they point for me to look

I look
there sits Satan
laughing at me

he opens his mouth, smoke follows
and says, "you just got fucked by
death, little whore, you must stay
and serve me for all eternity"

 

[champagne1982]

Hi fairiesecrets. Thanks for being brave enough to share your poem.

Fly makes some very good points in his critique and I think you'd be well advised to try a couple of his suggestions during your edit.

There are some great exercise threads here in the PF&D, have fun browsing and maybe even trying a few.

Keep writing, poetry isn't something we learn how to do better through watching, "Do or do not, there is no try..." << Master Jedi, Yoda...

Welcome to the forum.