bitterness

[zell19861986]

I was always there for you
Were you ever there for me?

I tried to be the best friend that i could be
I tried to show how much i cared

You always used me
You always took me for granted

I put up with it
Not knowing or caring

There was so much that i wanted to tell you
There was so much that you didn't care about

The moment i saw you for you
You jumped ship and never looked back

I don't get why you even went through the process of getting to know me
When all you had planned was that

 

[bogusbrig]

The person you are talking about won't be listening to you and you are not making your poem interesting enough for a reader who doesn't know you or the other person to care.

What would you like to do to this person? Images, blood and broken teeth, be graphic.

This was inspired by my own personal hate figure, Surgery, it was so cathartic!

 

[zell19861986]

stupid computer. i meant to add that this was a work in progress and that i would like to get feed back on how to make it better

 

[wildsweetone]

hiya Zell nice to see you again.

is this work in progress to be a song or a poem?

hmm how to improve...

maybe...
-concrete imagery, something i can see/touch in my mind's eye
-check the 'i' as there's a few not capitalised
-why did they jump ship, any particular reason? (no need to tell me, just think about whether it's worth adding in to the WIP).

 

[zell19861986]

what i have redone so far

I was always there for you
Even though there were times I shouldn't have been
You always had me to count on
Were you ever there for me?

I tried to be the best friend that I could be
Listening to all your fears
Having open arms for a hug
I tried to show how much I cared

You always used me
You never wanted to listen to me
You never even cared
You always took me for granted

I put up with it
Thinking that you would come around
Never knowing your inner thoughts towards me
Not knowing or caring

There was so much that I wanted to tell you
I always wanted to tell you that I liked you
I never found the right time to tell you
There was so much that you didn't care about

The moment I saw you for you
The moment the fog lifted from my eyes
The moment I stopped caring
You jumped ship and never looked back

I don't get why you even went through the process of getting to know me
When you never even cared about me
When you only cared about yourself
When all you had planned was that

 

[zell19861986]

so what does every one think?

 

[zell19861986]

i'm thinking of submitting it. should i?

 

[Angeline]

Hiya Zell.

You know you can submit here as is now, but I agree with wildsweetone that you are doing a lot of telling where you could be showing. That is what she means about concrete imagery. My specific suggestions are in red.

It's your poem and you are the one who needs to be happy with it, feel it's ready for submission. This is simply my opinion, but I do think giving more specific images (as opposed to generalities) always makes for a stronger poem.

I was always there for you
Even though there were times I shouldn't have been
there's a story in these two lines above. when were you there that you shouldn't have been? specifically? what happened? what kind of a day was it? what were people wearing? what were the expressions on their faces? details will make this information come to lifeYou always had me to count on
Were you ever there for me?

I tried to be the best friend that I could be
Listening to all your fears
here's another place where you can describe a specific fear. use all the senses--touch, taste, sound, smell, sightHaving open arms for a hug
I tried to show how much I cared
how did you try? what did you do?

You always used me
You never wanted to listen to me
You never even cared
You always took me for granted
again, how zell? this is too general--give details of an individual instance where this happened and the idea comes across vivivdly--and that is what a poem needs to do

I put up with it
Thinking that you would come around
Never knowing your inner thoughts towards me
Not knowing or caring

There was so much that I wanted to tell you
I always wanted to tell you that I liked you
I never found the right time to tell you
There was so much that you didn't care about

The moment I saw you for you
The moment the fog lifted from my eyes
The moment I stopped caring
You jumped ship and never looked back

I don't get why you even went through the process of getting to know me
too many words here--it's more powerful to simply say "Why did you want to know me?"
When you never even cared about me
When you only cared about yourself
When all you had planned was that

I had a history teacher in high school who used to drive us all crazy saying "Be specific!" over and over. I hated it at the time, but yknow she was right. Specific is good. Be specific.

 

[zell19861986]

Hiya Zell.

You know you can submit here as is now, but I agree with wildsweetone that you are doing a lot of telling where you could be showing. That is what she means about concrete imagery. My specific suggestions are in red.

It's your poem and you are the one who needs to be happy with it, feel it's ready for submission. This is simply my opinion, but I do think giving more specific images (as opposed to generalities) always makes for a stronger poem.





I had a history teacher in high school who used to drive us all crazy saying "Be specific!" over and over. I hated it at the time, but yknow she was right. Specific is good. Be specific.

well i could probably add detail to this one but my oh so kind room mates already submitted the one with the added things. forgot to log out