"Bitter Thoughts"(reflect on this)

[~Dream~]

if any of you big bad poets out there(I respect you ALL) would like to critique this,go for it since you dont seem willing to touch any of MY stuff!! lol too busy maybe?? Eve? I DO respect at least YOUR feedback,and I KNOW Lauren will give me some also but how do people get any better without practice and being educated by their peers?HMMM?(this is my Master's)
Bitter Thoughts

Imbibing the drink laced with satanic curses
A darkened shadow looms in the empty purses
Fingers shuffle unglistened gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

Where are the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
Eyes squint and pierce the silent air
Appearing blankly unmoving stare

Alone at first with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and treasure taken
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
For once a warrior now impotent stud

The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Is this the purpose for men of strength
Why do we stuggle and war at length ?

 

[WickedEve]

I see no one commented on "Drowning." The reason I didn't is because you said that you posted it without Artful's permission. So I didn't think it fair to comment on it. As for this poem, does Artful want feedback on it? He does know that it's here, doesn't he? lol

And I did have comments for "Ode to the Playhouse" but you didn't ask for feedback on that one like you did the others.

Also, it's easier to get feedback when you're more active in the poetry community. Read some poems by other poets and make some comments, and you'll probably have more luck getting feedback yourself.

 

[JUDO]

Bitter Thoughts

Imbibing the drink laced with satanic curses
A darkened shadow looms in the empty purses
Fingers shuffle unglistened gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

Where are the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
Eyes squint and pierce the silent air
Appearing blankly unmoving stare

Alone at first with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and treasure taken
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
For once a warrior now impotent stud

The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Is this the purpose for men of strength
Why do we stuggle and war at length ?

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Okay, let's open the hood and see what's inside.

1st stanza:
Imbibing the drink laced with satanic curses
A darkened shadow looms in the empty purses
Fingers shuffle unglistened gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

You've set the reader up with the title Bitter Thoughts. The first stanza starts out like an opening scene in a horror flick - "satanic curses, darkened shadow, unglistened gloom, vacant room."

With no punctuation, your intent may get very confused (as will the reader). I reccomend reconsidering some commas, etc. where appropriate.

It seems like you are going for an ominous feeling of something about to occur, but some of the imagery mis-fires.

Who is imbibing? The shadow?
Whose fingers? And are they lost?
Unglistened gloom? Okay the "gl" semi-alliteration is a little lost, but how would gloom ever glisten?

There is a hint of satan and an empty purse...Are you going for: "Shadowy fingers lost in the gloom of empty purses while someone drinks a cursed potion?"

How literal are we being, or it all this simply a giant metaphor?

Or perhaps you are simply posing a gallery of unrelated images???

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2nd staza:
Where are the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
Eyes squint and pierce the silent air
Appearing blankly unmoving stare

Wow, more of the same. The imagery is not taking me anywhere. I'm beginning to think that you are creating a series of images that are unrelated, but whose overlying tone is intended to be dark. Yes?

Opening line speaks of looking for, not the brave, but the weak "who could not stand" and have "fallen." Why is anyone mourning this lot?

We have "half buried bodies" in "quicksand." Wait, not "quicksand," but "filled quicksand." Is that a marsh that has been filled-in?

Not someone is squinting in quiet with a blank look. Is this one of the "buried bodies?"

Again, a bunch of imagery, seemingly unrelated, partially mis-firing their intent and not fulfilling or continuing thoughts already expressed by the first stanza or title.

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3rd stanza:
Alone at first with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and treasure taken
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
For once a warrior now impotent stud

Okay, now something starts to emerge, but not good that it has taken three stanzas to get there. A former "warrior" who has "lost blood" and become "impotent" is "alone" "with thoughts foresaken" about a time when "maids were raped and treasure taken."

Were images from the first two stanzas some of the warrior's "foresaken" "thoughts?"

And was he the one who raped and took treasure and now he misses it? Unclear there.

---------------------------------------------------
4th stanza"
The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Is this the purpose for men of strength
Why do we stuggle and war at length ?

Good. Now this stanza seems to be tying things together, I think.

I will assume that the opening two lines are referring to the unrelated imagery of "foresaken thoughts" that the now "impotent warrior" is having.

I like the "pictures cast their own reflections" line. If this be the case, the images in his memories cause him to reflect on his current status.

Is so, hence the last two lines (and couplet). Men of strength (that being was the warrior once was, I assume) questions the world and its purpose for continual war. And hence, the title "Bitter Thoughts" of the warrior turned impotent and the flitting thoughts of his tragic past haunting him.

Right? Did I get it?

But...

I still don't get the opening stanzas. Some of the words simply confuse and are never "paid off" later in the poem. In particular, I recall "purses" "satanic curses" and "glistened gloom."

These are so vague in their meaning that it is difficult to tie them up with anything else.

I think you want to put the warrior in a bar, drinking his troubles away and paying with the last of his available monies (treasure?). You may wish to rewrite the opening stanzas and make the imagery more clear. Flashes of terrible deeds, perhaps.

My thoughts.
- Judo

 

[Sweetwood]

Feedback

Artful's Dream posted:

Imbibing the drink laced with satanic curses
A darkened shadow looms in the empty purses
Fingers shuffle unglistened gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

Where are the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
Eyes squint and pierce the silent air
Appearing blankly unmoving stare

Alone at first with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and treasure taken
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
For once a warrior now impotent stud

The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Is this the purpose for men of strength
Why do we stuggle and war at length ?

I fully endorse what JUDO says upstairs.

Something that might help with a piece like this is to break the rhyme scheme from the simple aabb ccdd etc. For instance the first stanza might even gain in clarity if you do this:

Lost for purpose in vacant room
Imbibing the drink laced with satanic curses
A darkened shadow looms in the empty purses
Fingers shuffle unglistened gloom

Now if you take some of verbiage and heavily freighted words out you gain further clarity:

Lost for purpose in vacant room
drinking like a drowning man's curse,
shadows left in my empty purse,
as fingers shuffle a flattened gloom.

The outlook is lost, my unmoving stare
ran to the fallen, who could not stand.
Half buried bodies in made quicksand
My eyes they squint, pierce the silent air.

And so on. If I am correct (which I often am not) he is speaking about the memories of the war he participated in. That did not come out clearly enough in his read. This poem has serious potential and should be worked on by him.

Sweetwood

 

[artful]

Thank you ALL for feedback-(trying again)

I re-worked my poem,...please ALL,...give me feedback,...better,...worse,...tell
me
what you think !!!

Bitter Thoughts

Imbibing drink of satan's curse
The empty weight of wasted purse
Alone at last with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and lives were taken

He's seen the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
His eyes can't pierce the thick dark air
Appearing blank a vacant stare

The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Fingers shuffle in eerie gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

Thus the purpose for men of strength
To struggle vain in war at length
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
Recalling slain in knee deep mud

The valiant warrior who slayed them all
Now sits to drink not standing tall
His sperm once pressed to spurt with force
Can barely pass through wrinkled course

-Artful-

 

[JUDO]

Re: Thank you ALL for feedback-(trying again)

I re-worked my poem,...please ALL,...give me feedback,...better,...worse,...tell
me
what you think !!!

Bitter Thoughts

Imbibing drink of satan's curse
The empty weight of wasted purse
Alone at last with thoughts forsaken
As maids were raped and lives were taken

change last line to:

Of innocents raped and new lives taken.

He's seen the fallen who could not stand
Half buried bodies in filled quicksand
His eyes can't pierce the thick dark air
Appearing blank a vacant stare

The questions flit past recollections
As pictures cast their own reflections
Fingers shuffle in eerie gloom
Lost for purpose in vacant room

Thus the purpose for men of strength
To struggle vain in war at length
Now bitter bile replaced lost blood
Recalling slain in knee deep mud

Change this back to your question:

Is this the purpose for men of strength
Who struggled in vain to fight war at length?
Their dark bile recalls the lost blood
That flowed to slow time in knee-deep mud.

And end the poem here. I think the new last stanza is unecessary. Your point comes across with the stanza above. Plus the last two lines of the new stanza are not of the same tenor as the rest. Lose them, if you keep it.

The valiant warrior who slayed them all
Now sits to drink not standing tall
His sperm once pressed to spurt with force
Can barely pass through wrinkled course

-Artful-