Bitchy FemDoms...A Rant

[tealsphynx]

I appologize right here and now, but I am about to rant about something that as a Domme bothers me more than anything I've seen in the BDSM realm:

The portrayal of Dommes as nothing but controlling, yelling, angry, bitchy women! I'm sure those things have their place in punishment, but there's more to play than punishment. The Dom media I have seen shows the Men almost like they seem to sweet talk their submissive into submitting. They're sweet yet cruel, cool and collected, maybe even loving and worshiping of their submissive. where as the women just yell and hit and stomp with their Spike heels and smack with their crop until the submissive cries. Why can't they show Dommes the way they show Doms, we're not exactly different....ok so Doms have penises, but I have a strap-on that never goes soft no matter how many times I cum and I don't have to worry about "size" issues, if I think it's too small I go get a different one.

I don't find it right for a submissive to be the target/outlet of the Dom's anger/stress ect. This is one of the things that turns me away from most FemDom stories, it reenforces the image I see of Dommes being no more than controlling bitches. And while that may be some men's/women's fantasies as a Domme myself I find it disturbing. Why is it always shown that male Doms are loving, yet psychologically domineering over their submissive and the female Doms just yell and beat their subs. I don't understand, especially if a person is angry getting physical on another human being isn't right IMHO. The term "Seeing Red" describes anger for a reason. You're perspective is off, almost like being on a drug, when you're angry. I think it goes way past sane. When a Dom is angry/stressed they may not be mentally able to pay the kind of close attention to their sub's reactions to punishments and such the way they would under normal mentallity. This can lead to higher tendancies to hit too hard, or even in the wrong places and cause permanent damage. I guess that kind of fantasy appeals to some people, but Doms like that scare me in a bad way.

IMHO being a Dominant is about gaining the submissives trust and unlocking their desire to submit to you and only you (and, if you're into it, the people you tell them to serve). Anyone can be a bitch, but what's the appeal in submitting if you're always wrong, always yelled at, always punished, even if for no reason other than you're Dom had a "bad day." Maybe it's the beaten puppy appeal. Sometimes it seems the most abusive people seem to have the most loving dogs. Granted the dogs are handshy, constantly walking with ears and tail down, head lowered...but fuck it, the dog behaves right?! I'd much rather have a well behaved trained dog that walks around on my leash proud to be my dog and not anyone elses (even if he gets a little lippy now and then ).


I'm off for a bubblebath now, the media has driven me to go suds myself AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

 

[Netzach]

*shrug* I totally see where you are coming from, in terms of portrayal. Most FemDom fiction and media dwells on the evil mean aspect, not a lot of erotica aimed at men (the audience of a lot of FemDom erotica) dwells on relationship or character motivation or emotion because few men really eroticize that as much as they do the actions of sex.

Female Dominant lesbian erotica for lesbians tends to touch on the emotional connections more, the ideal Top in these stories is not merely a raving bitch in boots, there's usually more mystery and subtlety there.

Frankly I've met a lot of femsubs who wish their Doms were more like the Dommes in fiction or the bitchy Dommes they've met in real life. Some subs really like to feel pushed and challenged, and nasty namecalling and being treated as though they don't matter gets their juices flowing.

I'm an extremely bitchy femdom. I'm not only a bitch. If I played with my husband the way I play with my slaves...well it just would not work. I have more going on than "bitch" suffice it to say...


But when I have a scene, or when I'm fantasizing about domination, or when I'm thinking up what I'm about to do with my slave to make him hard, lustful, and obedient --- it's going to involve name calling, it's going to involve being "wrong" it's going to involve some really degrading and nasty aspects, because that's what gets me fired up and always has, and seeing the favorable response I get from my slave (the meaner I am, the happier he is) it just feeds into the energies we're creating.

Humiliation/mean is really not that different from eroticizing physical pain, it's just less understood in the SM community itself.

 

[tealsphynx]

*shrug* I totally see where you are coming from, in terms of portrayal. Most FemDom fiction and media dwells on the evil mean aspect, not a lot of erotica aimed at men (the audience of a lot of FemDom erotica) dwells on relationship or character motivation or emotion because few men really eroticize that as much as they do the actions of sex.

Female Dominant lesbian erotica for lesbians tends to touch on the emotional connections more, the ideal Top in these stories is not merely a raving bitch in boots, there's usually more mystery and subtlety there.

Frankly I've met a lot of femsubs who wish their Doms were more like the Dommes in fiction or the bitchy Dommes they've met in real life. Some subs really like to feel pushed and challenged, and nasty namecalling and being treated as though they don't matter gets their juices flowing.

I'm an extremely bitchy femdom. I'm not only a bitch. I'm not always a bitch. But when I have a scene, or when I'm fantasizing about domination, or when I'm thinking up what I'm about to do with my slave to make him hard, lustful, and obedient --- it's going to involve name calling, it's going to involve being "wrong" it's going to involve some really degrading and nasty aspects, because that's what gets me fired up and always has, and seeing the favorable response I get from my slave (the meaner I am, the happier he is) it just feeds into the energies we're creating.

Humiliation/mean is really not that different from eroticizing physical pain, it's just less understood in the SM community itself.

I can see how the "mean" can be part of the humiliation, but when I read stories about how it's an all the time thing or revolves around spontaneous anger (ie the "bad day" at work thing) It really worries me. I don't think it's right to betray my submissives trust in me by beating him just because I'm stressed. Where as you meditate on the scene, on the anger and nastiness, you're preparing for it and prepared to use it and deal with it instead of being blinded by it. These women I see portrayed seem to be blinded by their anger, or even just being shown as man haters beating men because of it.

 

[Vixandra]

First- *claps wildly*

Okay, on to my written reply.

The Domme is shown as an evil bitchy creature by the media and in the minds of many 'nilla people because thier only visable basis is the medica.

And I believe that the Dominant's gender makes little difference when it comes to being dominant, a concept I've figured out mostly from talking/reading with others here on Lit. I believe Doms can be just as bitchy and senseless as Dommes, depends on the person. We're all human and thus prone to the fallicies of our kind.

Also know that Dom/me's can care deeply for thier submissives in a beautiful relationship that works for both of them.

And, as Net said, there are quite a few who like the bitch factor set to high. To each thier own.

 

[TaintedB]

I think lot of what you call the "media" is male sub fantasies. They wouldn't necessarily like sort of person day in and day out in real life. Some know that, some don't. FWIW, female sub fantasies about male dominants are often similar: strict, cruel, uncaring. Antoniou's "Marketplace" series provides a good example of the maledom=asshole caricature.

 

[Aeroil]

haha, until I actually decided to check it out, I had the belief, that BDSMers etc were what is portrayed in the media, for lack of a better word, wierdos. I'm smart enough to be able to know the media is full of crap though, and five minutes of checking it out convinced me, heck, the first thread I saw on here convinced me. It's a shame, I know, but at least most people worth having around in the BDSM community are smart enough to see through it. I often wonder if the media portraying BDSM-ers as we really are will not be worth the trouble, we may be accepted more but I wonder if we'll start getting more and more undesiriables, wannabe's, etc....
A paradox indeed, I think we're fine as it is, let the media be idiotic, I think we have a good thing going here.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The bitch factor has it's place but as you say, in a lot of fiction it doesn't seem to gel in a real way and my thoughts are it is often because the writer just does not get the psychology behind it all, relate to it, or understand that is not the be all and end all. I know in my own writing there is emotion, connection, and it seems to have worked for more than a few male subs. I tend to use my own experience and needs as a female sub/slave to relate to what works and doesn't work and it helps when I connect with those who share similar desires and ideas of where they want to be taken.

Catalina

 

[timberwolf05]

ohhhhhhh kaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

ya got me going on this on......whoo hooo.
here we goooooooo...........
===========

as "I" see it, and don't get excited now, just bear with me......
i see male doms primarily as the cartoonish new groom that begs his new wifey poo...and i feel Doms are just THAT. they tend to wine n dine their girl subs.
as to Female Dommes?
y'okay...the "media" is for the most part male oriented and it DOES portray Dommes as mean and cruel....but MOST guys WANT that for pity's sake!!
even "I" crave a little of the media fantasy. it is, the cartoon dominatrix with the huge boobs, tiny waist, and a whip flying thru the air......like totally wow awesome.

but then, yeah, let's go to reality check.
MY Mistress may indeed dole out punishment now. i never claimed to be a complete angel. and yeah i get my ass beat badly. there is no safe word under punishment.
but She is NOT a mean evil cruel bitch from hell.

THAT is my 3 rd wife! SHE is an evil sadistic witch. gawd i hate her.

any who way----

yeah. the media goes flying off the handle with outlandish cartoons. and guys eat it up.
girl subs still envision their masters as their knight coming to the rescue and they all fall in love and live happily ever after..
guy slaves? 98% sexual. up to when they get their rocks off and then wham! it is not cool anymore.
me? naw. i do domestic services only and it is NON sexual. platonic and celebate.

take care folks
wolfie

 

[tealsphynx]

I understand that this is mostly in the media and that some men have that kind of fantasy. My problem and concern lays with how Dommes are percieved because of this. I've got friends that know I'm a Domme and when a couple of them first found out they asked me "Woah, I didn't think you could pull off being a bitchy hard-ass. So what, you think you're bad now?" I was completely offended. They used their media based image to believe they knew all about what a Domme is like. I told them that the "bitchy" part isn't all it's about, that it's possible to be dominant and not bitchy. I understand that for some men to get off they think they need that fantasy, that sex is more physical and all...I don't understand why. Maybe I spent too much time in a relationship where I was constantly bitched at, constantly yelled at, constantly blamed. I couldn't do anything right and he had his ways of "punishing". I could see on a scene by scene basis where bitchyness could come in, like in Netzach's post, I don't see how this could be desireable all the time. Granted many people think scenes are for the Dom, but if you don't take care of your sub, the bitchiness may get to where they don't want to even submit anymore...breaking their character, breaking your toy.

 

[redelicious]

Maybe it has to do with steriotyping of women in general? Women who are in control and leaders in their professions are very often portrayed as being bitchy, like it's an integral part of their success.

Just a thought.

 

[jasonlf]

Wow. I always thought you were all bitchy and yelling and stuff.

Thanks for clearing that up.


*runs*

 

[catalina_francisco]

as "I" see it, and don't get excited now, just bear with me......
i see male doms primarily as the cartoonish new groom that begs his new wifey poo...and i feel Doms are just THAT. they tend to wine n dine their girl subs.


girl subs still envision their masters as their knight coming to the rescue and they all fall in love and live happily ever after..
guy slaves? 98% sexual. up to when they get their rocks off and then wham! it is not cool anymore.
me?
wolfie

Hmmmm, well I think you might have met the wrong male Doms perhaps because I can assure you, things do not work that way in this household.....any begging that takes place is not from the Dominant. Male slaves? I am not finding they have a 98% sexual motivation....unless you mean the ones who use it as a cover to get sex, and they are not usually submissives or slaves. Most I have been talking to have a much different motivation.

Catalina

 

[Aeroil]

Hmmmm, well I think you might have met the wrong male Doms perhaps because I can assure you, things do not work that way in this household.....any begging that takes place is not from the Dominant. Male slaves? I am not finding they have a 98% sexual motivation....unless you mean the ones who use it as a cover to get sex, and they are not usually submissives or slaves. Most I have been talking to have a much different motivation.

Catalina

My motivation is definately more emotional/mental than sexual, I can tell you that....

 

[Rrrosyn]

I also hate the FemNazi version of a Domme. I love reading BDSM Domme/msub stories but hate finding the kind that are not either just humiliation or she had a bad day and is gonna make him bleed for it. Those are no fun for me.

Sure, I could learn to be more cruel than I am, but I have limits and most of the media does go well beyond them. How this media is designed to please males, I am not sure.

I know my sub's motives go way beyond anything sexual. And if his attempts at making me battered liver this morning are a testament to that fact... well... (Three tries, under-cook, over-cook, smoke the kitchen, get it right... "Just wanted you to be happy.")

 

[tealsphynx]

Sounds like your submissive is a jewel Rrrosyn, the attemt on liver was sweet.

 

[Xelebes]

It's so hard to find a decent femdom story in the BDSM section that I mostly seek out the stories in the Fetish section. Though there are a couple I have found that are quite good when it comes to the 'nice' domme. But yeah, I for the most part don't really like the bitchy domme - the idea doesn't really turn me on. Thankfully there aren't that many that I have met that are of said type.

 

[Rrrosyn]

Sounds like your submissive is a jewel Rrrosyn, the attemt on liver was sweet.

Oh he is at that!!

I forgot to mention he's a vegetarian too. So it was pretty sweet. My mother would never cook me liver as a kid. No matter how anemic I was, I had to cook it myself.

 

[Rrrosyn]

It's so hard to find a decent femdom story in the BDSM section that I mostly seek out the stories in the Fetish section. Though there are a couple I have found that are quite good when it comes to the 'nice' domme. But yeah, I for the most part don't really like the bitchy domme - the idea doesn't really turn me on. Thankfully there aren't that many that I have met that are of said type.

Way back when I wrote and had a crappy editor and all that, I actually wrote a roleplay BDSM story with light FemDomme tones. It's in the Erotic Couplings. There were a lot less sections back then and I didn't feel it was hardcore enough to be in the BDSM section. Now I know better!