Bit of a serious one...

[Vivacia]

Hi there,

Was looking to all the LITizens (good and Bad - ) for some advice.

I am seeing an older man, he is infact 17yrs older than me, and we are very in love. That isn't the problem, the problem is something that my father has more than me but that I gues does deserve some serious thought.

My Father is concerned because one day I want a family, and thinks that unless it is soon, I will forfit that right as I am dating someone older. He doesn't think it would be fair to the children if when they finish their G.C.S.E's (high school) that their father would be in his early 60's...

I would like your opinions, as for my partner and I we are happy to have a family when we are ready, he may be older than me but he is still young for his age and will be able to look after the children fine.

Is my dad just being "ageist" or has he got a point?

What would you consider the "cut-off" age for fatherhood?

I would like to just meantion that there are several famous "older dads" out there - David Jason to name but one!

 

[tmuyo]

if strom thurman was able to have a kid, i say the sky's the limit...

 

[Guest]

My wife has a half-brother who is 40-years younger than she is. Her da is 74. Her "step-mother" is younger than she is as well.

When the da got remarried, his mother (then about 92) said to the new bride "you'd better have children soon if you want any, so you'll have something to remember him by when he's gone."

Many people in the family were a bit put-off at first, but who's to dictate the paths that love take us down? Follow your heart . . .

 

[SweetCherry]

Bah, don't listen to him on this one, hun. I know how much you love your dad, but therre is no such thing as too old. Your SO is still a young guy. Those 17 years aren't anything to be concerned about. He's a loving guy and will make a good dad no matter how old he is. Have your family and enjoy it. Your dad will be glad you did, in the long run. He'll revel in his grandchildren just like anyone else would.

 

[MidnightAngel]

A view from the other side......

My husband is 20 years older than me. When we began dating, we discussed having a child together. We decided NOT to do so, his age being one reason for the decision (but not the ONLY reason).

While I think that it is something that you need to give very serious thought to, I also think that it is your decision, not your father's.

Good Luck!

 

[Gilly Bean]

For me, I would much rather have it that both me and my spouse were young enough to enjoy the kids right up until there are grandkids. Age doesn't matter as much as how young you FEEL. If you think that in 10 years, this man will be young enough to deal with a newborn, and toddlers, chasing them, staying up with them on sick nights, teaching them games outside, and just generally being as involved as a loving father should be, then I see nothing wrong with it.

 

[tn_8tiv]

Don't worry

Viv, don't worry about the difference in your ages. Today, men can live well into their eighties or nineties and remain sexually active for this period of time. If you have a relationship based on honesty, love and trust age will not be a factor. As far as how he will be viewed by others in a school environment, I have a good friend who is almost 60 and has three children in school, the youngest only 4. He is active in coaching sports and other school activities. Every one look up to this guy with total admiration. As an additional perk, he is retired so he has lots of time to spend with his children and their activities.

All I can say is Go For It!

 

[daughter]

If he wants children

and you want children, have them. Plenty of older parents are doing exactly as they wanted. So he'll be in his 60s. Most women are putting off having children till their 30s that means they'll be in their 50s when their children graduate.

My girlfriend had her last child at 35. Her partner is 52. Same age difference as you and your guy.

Good luck.

Peace,

daughter

 

[plasticman33]

Age is in the eye of the beholder. There are old 30 year olds and young 60 year olds. Don't worry about the age difference as long as you are comfortable and content. Chronological age should have no legitiment place in determing the success or failure of a relationship!

 

[BlondGirl]

My fave long-time and distant lover have this same issue as a problem between us. He is so concerned and feels he has wasted his life on his carreers (full military carreer before be began medical school) instead of family. While I have reassurred him that I don't care about his age one way or another, he can't get past the idea that he will qualify for SS by the time they are adults. I, personally, don't see why it is such a major issue --but for him, it worries him to the point where it is an issue in our relationship. Because of this (and a couple other issues that are probably just as silly), we know that we are not to ever become a real couple. Therefore, we continue on as distant and very rarely together lovers. I have elected to move on and date (HA! when I can make time--okay--I know that means that I only fantasize about dating). He has thrown himself into his work more now. Chief resident this year. And his children are still yet to be conceived.
I care for him so deeply but he is the typical stubborn Southern man.

 

[Vivacia]

Thanx for all the posts so far, and BlondGirl - My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine how I would have felt if my partner had said the same as yours!

To me the age issue isn't really an issue - but I was worried that maybe I was in the minority, but it appears that I am not...

So thanx again and keep those opinions coming!

 

[lovetoread]

I think the only concern I would have is whether he would be able to keep up with the kid(s). If he can,go for it and be happy. Kids are wonderful and are a blessing.

However if health is a problem,then think really hard about it. I dont want to have to raise the kid(s) alone. My fella wants a baby in a few years. He will be older. Way older when this maybe baby is born. I have no concerns at all although I admit I was looking forward to being childless when my last one is at college and I will only be 40 then. But that matters not if he would like another. Having a part of him would be worth it.

 

[jass1960]

20 year gap

There is a 20 year gap between my sister and her man - and overall theres has been a happy lot. They have 3 kids the last when he was 51 and apart from needing the pipe and slippers occasionally (when he should be cooking or helping with homework) mopst things are okay and it is not a problem.

Hope it works out okay for you

 

[MissTaken]

Go with your heart. Viv.

You and your SO will determine the make up and dynamics of your family.

Older parents and even grandparents effectively raise children. You and your SO may not be able to parent in the same fashion as two same age parents, but if you love one another, all will be well.

Jass' point is a good one. You will simply have to modify your image of co parenting and at some point, I expect that you will be carrying the ball. Who knows? Perhaps not.

It depends on the two of you.

My dear friend, foster parent to whom I referred in a previous thread, adopted her youngest. My friend was 53, her husb was 65 and they are two of the most wonderful parents you will ever find. The child was four at the time and as their adoption counselor we had to discuss the impact their ages would have upon the child and family. Five years later, all is well.

It can be done!

 

[LukkyKnight]

flip side

I actually agree with most or all of what's been said concerning age gaps. However, in trying to present the other side I found one thing to poke at...

When you marry you do not marry just one person. Contrary to the popular opinion held by some, you both marry IN to an existing family. It's not a real big deal if - for instance - the two mothers-in-law don't get along perfectly, but ideally each of you has to be able to co-exist fairly happily with most of those new in-laws. Is your father using the age at graduation to cover up something he doesn't want to say directly? If one family disapproves of the choice of spouse, it CAN lead to challenges down the road since their support will not be as unflagging as you'd hope.
It's not reason to avoid this older guy, but it's reason to think about the big picture, so that if and when you move forward you do so with your eyes wide open.

There used to be a nearly uniform structure to families, but that's not nearly so prevalent anymore. You'll find that pushing the envelope (as with age) will stretch some people's understanding and support for your relationship. The times, they are a changin'.

 

[SilverVeil]

You are wise to consider this.

So many people rush into things before they are thought fully through. Go with what your heart says. If this man is loving and kind and will make a good father, AND he will be able to help support and raise them, then it is the decision of the two of you. No one else.

A 20 year old man who fathers a child can die within a year of the childs birth. A 50 year old man who is in good health can help raise and be a huge part of his childs life. There are no certainties at all.

 

[Guest]

Your father has legitimate concerns and he voiced them because he loves you. That doesn't make him right. Only you and your partner know the answer. As many others have said, go with your heart. God does everything for a reason, whatever that is, and if it's meant to be you can and will make it work just fine. Good luck!!

 

[Aphrodisiac]

What would you consider the "cut-off" age for fatherhood?


I don't think there is a " cut off " point. I think it all depends on the individuals. They are truly the ones who know what they want in their lives and no other opinion should matter. Do what you feel is best for the both of you.

My father was 20 yrs older then my mother when they got married. The never questioned whether they should have children or not.... they loved one another & they knew what was best for them. My father was a wonderful father and his age never once affected us in any way.... age is simply a number.

Enjoy.