Bisexuality, the Divided Self and Coming Out

[infinityoverzero]

Edit: In retrospect, my choice of words in my first line is too rough. I don't hate anyone here in that strong of sense. However, I do stand by the feeling of ambivalence that I was trying to portray. End Edit

My apologies for the harsh beginning, but I don't know whether to love or hate the posters here on the GLBT board. Knowledge and awareness can be both a beautiful and terrible thing, and to me they are both right now.

Perhaps I should explain my situation before bombarding you with more quasi-philosophical statements. I am a male in his early 20's, currently attending university. I'm engaged to a woman who's about the same age as me, attends the same university and who I've been going out with for almost 4 1/2 years.

About three years ago, a few months after we first came out to Toronto for our studies, I admitted to her that I enjoyed anal stimulation. Although it took her some time to get used to the idea, before long we ended up buying some toys (including a strap-on).

Though at the time I was soothed by reassurances that straight men can enjoy anal play and remain straight, my gf must have seen something latent inside me. She started gently pushing my fantasies so that her silicon cock would gradually become a flesh-and-blood one in my mind. She didn't force me to do this, she was merely testing the boundaries of my interest.

To make a long story shorter, a year and a half ago I came out to myself and her as a bisexual. I was able to look at gay porn and become aroused; I enjoyed the thought of pleasuring and being pleasured by a man. Since then, my gf has continued to probe (no pun intended) the borders of my sexuality, to the point where recently I felt an emotional connection while playing with her and pretending that she was a guy (I haven't had an experience with a real guy, but I enjoy the roleplaying with my SO - we both have very good imaginations). This led to the realization that, had my life turned out differently and I wasn't engaged to her, I could have easily ended up going out with a guy.

I've only been posting on Lit for a week or two, but my awareness of my orientation has grown by leaps and bounds as a result. In particular, two threads that I've read and contributed to (Biphobia and community and bi and part of the community) have called into question my current approach of maintaining my "straight-guy" image in public.

As a result, I seriously feel that my self is at war. The bi part of me no longer wants to hide, but out of fear, I keep holding it back. There is tension inside of me, an instability that wakes me up early even when I haven't had much rest recently.

One poignant example of this conflict comes from this past Sunday, when I went along with my gf to church (she goes to a very open-minded and GLBT positive United Church, and although I'm not very religious I sometimes tag along). I was feeling somewhat emotionally vulnerable that day (a rare state for me) for other reasons when I happened to see a bulletin board in the church with GLBT posts. I felt attracted and repulsed from it at the same time, and in the end I didn't stop to look at it, though I felt like I betraying myself by ignored the board.

I've decided on a course of action, for now. One of the ministers at this church is openly gay, and my SO and I have talked to him before, he's a really nice guy. If you look in the two threads mentioned above, you'll see that I am worried that gays and lesbians may not accept my bi nature. However, based on my previous experiences with him I believe that I can come out to him and share my thoughts and feelings with him. I'll try to set up a meeting with him sometime this week.

For those who've patiently read through my long post, thank you. Although I've come out to two other people besides my SO, this board is the first place where I've been able to candidly discuss these issues (again, aside from with my SO) and read a wide range of opinions. No question here to ask, I'm afraid, if that's what you've been waiting for. Rather, I just want to share my personal experiences, partly to relieve this tension inside me, partly to give an insight into the thoughts of a bisexual guy who's coming out and partly to encourage others who may also be grappling with their sexualities. I will post updates here as they happen.

I hope that people will continue to debate issues like the threads above, as they are important things to deal with from both a societal and personal point of view.

Once again, thank you all for your patience with me, your kindness and your understanding.

--Infinity

 

[Satin Kitty 69]

I love you...

When ever you feel confusion and tension, I wish I can just hold you close and make it go away. But I can't and I don't think that pushing tension away or pretending it doesn't exist is the right answer. Internal tension is what motivates us in the most difficult situations and choices; it is what motivates us to step out of our safe shell and into the harsher world.

I can not promise to always understand, since there have been many times where you cannot express what is going on inside. I'm glad that you and I can share what you write here in Lit, and that we can continue to grow in understanding of who you are.

The tension I have noticed, but untill reading this I know it has just remained inside you. It has stressed and tortured you, and I felt helpless standing beside, not knowing whether to try to get you to talk or just try to hold you close. I decided to wait, standing near enough to be there when you needed and to let you know that I always will stand with you, but not suffocating you or adding more pressure to your stressed mind.

I can promise that I will always love you, and will always try to understand and help you even if that includes waiting and standing on the sideline (not easy for me I know). Together we awakened and realized a part of you that had gone unnoticed before, and together we will discover what this means, and what has to change to allow you to be yourself.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

The term is "emotional integrity".

You deserve to have that. You deserve to be honest with yourself about your sexuality. You are a bisexual man. And therefore, in order for you to live a less stressful life, you need to accept that, and realize it's a beautiful thing, and move on with it. Do I think you necessarily need to come out? Well, yes and no. Yes, in that, you need to be honest with those that are closest to you.. which you have done. No, in that I don't think everyone has to know your orientation.. it's really none of their business what goes on in your mind and bedroom.

What is important is that YOU accept it. You looking at that bulletin board and being repulsed and interested at the same time isn't healthy. Not really. I mean, the first time my Man and I talked about whipping, He was repulsed, but He knew I'd love it, so He was interested. We now engage in whipping (Him doing the whipping) a few times a month.

But there's a difference in my situation and yours. My S/O was repulsed by an action, NOT by a part of His or my sexuality. He knows that I'm bisexual, sado-masochistic (I like both ends of the whip), and a switch. He knows this.

I know this. It's been difficult admitting to myself that I'm not just straight, I'm bi, that I'm not just submissive, I'm switch, and that I'm not just maso, but sado as well. But I was never reviled by my own being...

Coming to a point where you can look at that bulletin board with a sense of calm, and an accepting of it, in yourself and as that part of the community is something you need to do... for YOU. No offence to your sweetheart, but all of this is for you. Not her. She will benefit from your newfound calm and self-acceptance, but you should do it for you so that you can love who you see in the mirror, and so that you can sleep at night.


And by the way. It's not our fault that you're having troubles with all of this... your opening statement seems a little.. um.. misdirected. I didn't take offence to it, but perhaps it's something you might want to rethink.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

This is one reason I love the GLBT board.

When you have a problem, thought, opinion, or just need to get what is on your chest off, you can do it here.

This was a great thread as are the others. I hope you felt some relief from the inner tension you are feeling after posting this.

? for you. Were you repulsed at the fact there was a personals bullitin board in the church or your sexuallity. Vixenshe's post makes me ask this. From what you posted it does not sound like you are repulsed by your thoughts.


Just remember this, everything happens for a reason, you are who you are, and when a door closes on you 10 more usaully open with bigger, brighter, and better options and choices behind them.

 

[infinityoverzero]

Some Clarifications

First, thank you all for your voices of support. I probably should have looked over my post a bit more carefully. *blushes in embarrasment and annoyance at self* Since hindsight is 20/20, I'll try to clarify some of my statements now.

With the love/hate statement, I have edited my original post somewhat, though I left my original wording in the interest of historical accuracy. I think I was trying to portray a sense of ambivalence, not towards posters in general but the atmosphere that has lead me to this. With any change, even a positive one (which I do sincerely believe this is for me) part of me resents the change, regardless of what it is. This is what I was trying to get across in my opening line, and looking back now I realize that I can be construed very negatively (I'm glad those who posted chose to look past that though )

Again, the repulse comment didn't represent exactly what I wanted to say either ... it was more a feeling of being overwhelmed, my change being made concrete right in front of my eyes with the realization that such a board now holds more relevancy for me. Given some other emotional events (non-orientation related) that happened that day, I wasn't able to handle this one. Today, now that I'm feeling better, I believe that I can.

Finally, I know that my decision here is not something that my SO is trying to force on me. She has encouraged me and helped to push my boundaries, but nothing past what I might have down by myself (recalling back to that time, there are some signs that did not have to do with my interactions with her). Right now, I know that all she wants me to be is happy, regardless of what form that takes. Have a look at some of my other posts ... I know that I don't really fit into a category (bisexual or queer are probably the two closest fits), but I don't care, as long as it's me.

Once again, thank you vixenshe, Existential Luv and of course Satin Kitty for your comments and support. I've found a lot of support on this board, and I'm happy that I started posting here. I'll make sure to let everyone know how things go.

--Infinity

 

[naudiz]

The divided self is such an interesting way to put it, and one I can definitely relate to.

I've been out for thirteen years now, but I can still remember what it was like to discover my sexuality. It's something I can laugh about now, but at the time, it was pretty traumatic.

I didn't realize bisexuality even existed. I'd been raised to believe that there was straight or gay. You were either or, and it's just how you're born. I assumed that since I liked boys I must be straight. Around high school, when I started developing some strong romantic feelings for women, I tried my best to explain it away as deep friendship, and appreciation for the aesthetic of the female form -- any excuse would do as long as I could convince myself I understood what was going on inside me.

Then I got to college, and I was less cautious than I had been in my small-minded small town. It was a big campus, a new place, and I felt like I could explore myself in more safety. I met this amazing woman who took my breath away. She was in a committed relationship, and nothing came of it, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I was in love with this woman. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, take care of her, be hers.

So with this first crush came all the baggage of sexual identity. I was heartbroken, because this meant I was a lesbian. Why heartbroken? Because damn, I really liked cock. Yep. I was more willing to accept that I was a cock-craving lesbian than a bisexual. The word didn't exist in my vocabulary.

This is where community saved me. Yeah, I've run into people who were biphobic, who insisted I was riding the fence and playing the field. But at least I met people who knew what bisexuality was, and from there, I had something to work with, something to help me figure out what was going on. For every person I've met who's had a negative reaction to my orientation within the community, I've met at least three who have been wonderfully supportive. The lesson here is don't let the bad apples ruin the whole bushel.

So after the self-realization came so many questions and a desire to really explore this part of me. This is dangerous ground, because when it's all fresh and new, it's so easy to be self-absorbed, to sleep with someone just to see what it'll be like, without realizing that to them it might mean something else entirely. This is where being open and honest helps. When I was still floundering, I got some good blunt advice from some lesbians -- don't lead anyone on. Tell them this is what you're doing, and if they're not interested, honor that. Don't even start looking for a long-term relationship right now.

Because it does happen, where someone is just starting to explore their sexuality, and they're so into it they want to push every boundary and learn everything there is to learn -- and then they find their comfort zone and back off into it. That's fine, except sometimes the partner you've been exploring with gets left out in the cold, and it causes heartache.

It was a messed up, confusing time. Without the support of the community, and the brutally frank advice I'd received here and there along the way, I couldn't have done it. I can easily see why someone who's bisexual will take a peek out of the closet, then run right back into it and just stick with a partner of the opposite sex. It's a frightening place, in that grey zone between black and white definitions, and while gay people can understand the process of coming out, and straight people may sympathize, neither personally truly understands. They can't. It's not their experience. It's yours.

That doesn't mean that there isn't insight to be learned and support to be had, though. Like I said before, if it hadn't been for the community, I never could've reached this point where I'm comfortable with who I am.

So now, thirteen years later, it doesn't seem like a big deal at all. In my circle of friends, we span the sexual panorama of hetero, bi, gay/lesbian, poly, monogamous, single, married. They know who I am, and how I am, and I don't need them to validate my sexual identity, because in their eyes it's a non-issue. Can you imagine the sense of liberation, to find a group of friends where you can just be, without feeling like you have to explain yourself all the time?

My family still doesn't get it. They don't know how to deal with it, so they don't. They'll tell me I'm straight, and apparently whatever I have to say on the matter is irrelevant -- but I guess you can't win them all.

The point is that, once you become comfortable with who you are, the rest falls into place so much more easily. Don't hide from the community just because there might be some people in it who won't accept you, or will try to force you to define yourself in a way they can cope with. Your sexual identity is about you, and if your identity upsets someone else, that's a whole heap of their problem, not yours.

Understand that everyone's experiences have influenced the decisions they've made, and that person who doesn't like your bisexuality might have been burned before. So don't judge too harshly -- just be the bisexual guy or girl who doesn't screw them over, and hope that they notice. It all ties into that compassion thing I keep yammering about.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Re: Some Clarifications

First, thank you all for your voices of support. I probably should have looked over my post a bit more carefully. *blushes in embarrasment and annoyance at self* Since hindsight is 20/20, I'll try to clarify some of my statements now.

With the love/hate statement, I have edited my original post somewhat, though I left my original wording in the interest of historical accuracy. I think I was trying to portray a sense of ambivalence, not towards posters in general but the atmosphere that has lead me to this. With any change, even a positive one (which I do sincerely believe this is for me) part of me resents the change, regardless of what it is. This is what I was trying to get across in my opening line, and looking back now I realize that I can be construed very negatively (I'm glad those who posted chose to look past that though )

Again, the repulse comment didn't represent exactly what I wanted to say either ... it was more a feeling of being overwhelmed, my change being made concrete right in front of my eyes with the realization that such a board now holds more relevancy for me. Given some other emotional events (non-orientation related) that happened that day, I wasn't able to handle this one. Today, now that I'm feeling better, I believe that I can.

Finally, I know that my decision here is not something that my SO is trying to force on me. She has encouraged me and helped to push my boundaries, but nothing past what I might have down by myself (recalling back to that time, there are some signs that did not have to do with my interactions with her). Right now, I know that all she wants me to be is happy, regardless of what form that takes. Have a look at some of my other posts ... I know that I don't really fit into a category (bisexual or queer are probably the two closest fits), but I don't care, as long as it's me.

Once again, thank you vixenshe, Existential Luv and of course Satin Kitty for your comments and support. I've found a lot of support on this board, and I'm happy that I started posting here. I'll make sure to let everyone know how things go.

--Infinity

I love to help out where I can.

It is great you have such a wounderful GF (not familiar wit SO) to help you find your self. It is very important to have someone you can trust, depend on, confide all your secrets in, and live life with in every way wanting nothing but happiness for eachother. Sounds like she loves you a lot.

Pollyjean is helping me to explore a part of my life I have always wanted to (BDSM). We are experancing life with one another and finding what we like and dislike.

I like this board for many reasons. One of them is, When I have something I want to tell her and can not come out and say it, I type it. This might work for you too. I see your lady is here with you.


Hi and welcome to you both.

 

[infinityoverzero]

Re: Re: Some Clarifications

I love to help out where I can.

It is great you have such a wounderful GF (not familiar wit SO)

SO = Significant Other

I like this board for many reasons. One of them is, When I have something I want to tell her and can not come out and say it, I type it. This might work for you too. I see your lady is here with you.


Hi and welcome to you both.

That's exactly the way I feel ... I do want to share with her, and (despite the gaffes in my original post) I feel more comfortable with the written word than the spoken.

I

 

[Queersetti]

I took no offense at the language of your original post, I understood that you were expressing the pain of your ambiguous situation, and not negativity towards anyone on the board.

Bisexual issues are not easy for me to handle, I'm as gay as Judy Garland's Easter Bonnet. So, I really appreciate that we have people here like Naudiz and Vixenshe, among others, who are able to discus issues like this with tenderness and sensitivity.

 

[Queersetti]

Re: Re: Some Clarifications

I love to help out where I can.

It is great you have such a wounderful GF (not familiar wit SO) to help you find your self. It is very important to have someone you can trust, depend on, confide all your secrets in, and live life with in every way wanting nothing but happiness for eachother. Sounds like she loves you a lot.

Pollyjean is helping me to explore a part of my life I have always wanted to (BDSM). We are experancing life with one another and finding what we like and dislike.

I like this board for many reasons. One of them is, When I have something I want to tell her and can not come out and say it, I type it. This might work for you too. I see your lady is here with you.


Hi and welcome to you both.

I think your good hearted openness has been a tremendous help to many people around here.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Re: Re: Re: Some Clarifications

I think your good hearted openness has been a tremendous help to many people around here.

Thanx Q.

How special, you singled me out. You are so sweet.

 

[justchuckc]

Bi sex the divided self and coming out

Excellent article.
Please excuse my ignorance at this new venture for me(getting involved) as I learn the ropes. Only wanted to say that I truely enjoyed the post and (some) the responses.

 

[Satin Kitty 69]

His journey although I'll try to walk with him

Somedays I wish that I could walk this path with him, and take every step with him, but I know I can't. I'm dealing with my own sexual exploration, but beyond simple curiousity I know that I am on the guy loving side of the continuum.

But I don't think that I need to walk in every step he takes like a shadow. We all take slightly different paths. Sometimes we are so close that words seem to tell less than our thoughts and feelings, but there are other times when words, thoughts and actions aren't enough to reach each other.

A few years ago my body was badly injured. My control over my mind and body was taken from me in an instant, but it slowly did return. One slip and my back and all the attached nerves were nearly gone, I still suffer some permanent damage. My head also took a blow, causing cognitive (memory, speech, emotional control etc) problems. My love stayed with me, and although there were many times he could not understand and could not know how it felt to be in that situation he was there whenever I needed him. I built my identity from the dust of a previous one; my new self sees my body as the shell that it is not immune to the world, but not easily crushed into oblivion.

I know my dear infinity-overzero has the strength and patience to travel this new path, but all I ask is that you remember that it can be done and that change especially of your core self identity is so very hard, but it is worth it. I remember the tears, the anger, the feeling of looking in the mirror and not seeing me, but most of all I remember you and the joy and comfort that I now feel knowing that I am who I am now. My past self is still in me, but it is what connects me to who I was, giving up that old identity is hard, but no matter what I will love you. I just hope to have your level of patience, and quiet strength to stand by and wait for you, helping and listening but never pushing. I would love to save you from this pain, but I believe that it would be worse in the long run because if I did that I would be preventing you from growing and finding your true and future self.

We have grown and changed so much since we started together so long ago. There is change in our future but I have faith that even if for a moment we feel detached in some aspects, in time the change will only bring us closer as everything else has.

 

[wishbone96]

This is a great thread-I too deal with my bi sexuality been doing so for years. Its a never ending struggle with the church's" bulletin board" -its always there ready to spring in my face that I am not entirely honest with myself. I find increasingly that the GBLT and other boards offer tremendous support that I never knew existed. I wish that you were around years ago when I realized that I was "different" at college.
Homophobia is what scares me the most. I don't know how to deal with it much less have the energy to do so. I have witnessed incredible cruelty towards people who were deemed "different"-its scary.

 

[naudiz]

Homophobia is what scares me the most. I don't know how to deal with it much less have the energy to do so. I have witnessed incredible cruelty towards people who were deemed "different"-its scary.

Whenever anyone equates the community to a meat market, and claims that the only reason there is a community is so that gays and bis can 'hook up' this is what I bring up to counter that assumption. Homophobia is scary, and some bad shit can happen to you just for being honest with yourself and others. That's what community is for -- because coming to terms with yourself and the danger posed by those who aren't going to understand is tough, but you don't have to do it alone.

When you take all the fear and loathing that comes with finding who you are in a world where non-conformity is a bad thing, and add isolation, it's unbearable. Take away that isolation, and it helps. A lot.

I may not like every individual in the gay/bi/trans community, and we may not always see eye to eye. I don't do the club thing -- I'm not a young woman anymore, and I prefer tea houses to dance clubs. I'm not 'in the scene' and I'm sure as hell not looking to hook up. But when it comes to dealing with homophobia and a rigid and fearful society, I'll stand beside my brothers and sisters every time. It is kind of like a family in that regard. I may pick on my siblings all the time, but the moment someone else tries to fuck with them, the Rottweiller instinct takes over.

So anyway, how you deal with the homophobia, or at least how I deal with it is like this: not alone. Find support; an anchor against the ebb and flow of politics and religious fervor can be a lifesaver.

 

[MzChrista]

When people talk about the community I dont just think about clubs and bars and such. Theres a lot more to it that that: theres doctors who will be understanding about hiv issues and real estate people who will help you find a place when maybe landlords dont want to rent to you, and counselors for queer youth and people like that in many walks of life. Its not just about hooking up. So fine, maybe people dont think they need the community but you might find you need it some day and youll be damn glad its there.

 

[naudiz]

Couldn't have said it better myself, MzChrista.

 

[infinityoverzero]

Good to see you in this thread naudiz, we seem to be the token "bisexuals who are married to a member of the opposite sex and thus can pass, but who don't want to" on this board . As always, I find your opinions to be quite accurate and well-written.

I think belonging to the community is an important aspect of being queer. Thank you naudiz and MzChrista for pointing out that the community includes far more than "the scene", as since I'm engaged I don't really have much need for that (and I've never been much of a club guy anyway).

I took a tentative first step yesterday - I arranged to meet with my friend (the openly gay minister) next Monday. I think he'll be a good person to talk to about this, as he can probably provide me with some info on local GLBT groups and other activities I might be interested in. Also, talking to him may help dispel the small fear that I still have that some gays may be somewhat biphobic (though people like queerseti, MzChrista and ExistentialLuv have shown a lot of support for bis, both on this thread and others).

I'll let you guys know how the meeting goes next Monday.

 

[sdedalus]

Coming out... (well sorta)

This has been a good experience for me as well. I am glad that I have this venue now. Thanks for the support and the posts, it has been great to see others with the same ideas I have and the same aprehensions. Maybe someday I will be comfortable with telling people I am bisexual in my outside life.

 

[Netzach]

Good to see you in this thread naudiz, we seem to be the token "bisexuals who are married to a member of the opposite sex and thus can pass, but who don't want to" on this board . As always, I find your opinions to be quite accurate and well-written.

Um. There are actually a fair number I think. Don't feel so marginal.

I've been out for so long that I sometimes have trouble reconnecting myself with the dangerous special scariness of being newly out.

Feels more like, "ok, I like cats, chocolate, Pynchon and sometimes girls."

I'm not saying that everyone reaches this point or has to, just that for a lot of us, the trajectory begins at a point where being queer is the most fabulous radical amazing thing in the world, and eventually it becomes....a thing.

 

[SilkVelvet]

... I've been out for so long that I sometimes have trouble reconnecting myself with the dangerous special scariness of being newly out....Feels more like, "ok, I like cats, chocolate, Pynchon and sometimes girls."

I will just quote these portions of Netzach's post [ hiya;] although I agree with all of it.

I think in some ways it is good that I don't recall the coming out bi process too well because it means I am happy in my sexuality and don't feel the need to either hide it or flaunt it. It's part of me, not something which defines me. It IS as easy as saying that I like chocolate.

But in other ways it is sad that I don't remember other than hazily, the first time I had sex with a woman and how important that was an how liberated I felt, being true to myself. I feel if I did recall it better, that it would be easier to talk with people in real life who have come to me for advice, knowing that I am bi.

The only thing I really clearly recall that will stick in my mind forever was that first time I caressed another woman's breast and it feeling absolutely right and natural, and totally enjoyable.

 

[sdedalus]

I told another person

In another big step I told one of my friends I was bisexual the other day. He is gay and I felt it was a little easier to let him know since he is already aquainted with the lifestyle. Our new friends we have been hanging out with will probably know sooner or later too, we always seem to talk about sex and the two girls are always bringing up more personal things about our sex lives.

The other guy and I are kind of uncomfortable with it, he more than I I think, but it seems really odd that we just met this couple two months ago when we moved here and we (the girls mostly) talk about sex all the time. It often makes me wonder where the friendship is leading. I mean last week my girlfriend just blurted out the fact that we had a threesome with one of her girlfriends back home.

Owell, I guess I shouldn't do things if I can't be comfortable about talking about them. I just think your sex life needs to be a bit guarded is all, especially if you are involving other people in it.

SD

 

[mac_crazy]

This is a great thread, I'm glad I found it! Although being on Lit for a over a year now, I can't believe it took me this long! I guess I was too taken up with the "amateur pics" section of the site.. :-D

I too am struggling with my bisexuality, or more correctly, struggling with what it means in my life. I've been divorced for 5 years now, raising 2 kids on my own, and have dated a few women since then, and got pretty serious with one of them. In between, I've had sex (mainly oral) with several guys, and also know a m/f couple that I've had sex with many times, both with him and her.

I've only told two people about my bi-side, both of them women, friends of mine that I know are open-minded sexually enough (or just like me enough) to accept that part of me. I feel like women would be more understanding/accepting of this, as most of my male friends are (on the surface at least) quite homophobic. I don't know that I could ever come out to them. My main issues, though, are my kids (14 and 9), and how, if ever, I explained it to them (and is it even necessary? probably not), and more importantly, my girlfriend of 5 months. We've talked about getting married, and I feel like it's probably best to get that out in the open with her before we do. Just not sure how, although I've gotten some good input from people on other threads, inlcluding infinity, who started this thread. Good advice, definitely, but not so easy to put into practice.

If I do get married, I don't know that I really will have the urge to be with another guy again, although if my girlfriend at some point is interested in that, I'd go for it. But I'm more concerned with just letting her know what kinds of things I have going on inside, so there's no secrets. Guess it's just something I'll have to figure out how to do, if I can bring myself to go through with it.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now, but I should say that it's awesome to have a place like this to open up about things, even if it's to complete strangers! Always better to get things down on paper/computer, than to keep them inside, if one can't quite communicate verbally about them. Thanks for listening.

 

[Satin Kitty 69]

*nods and then gives you a hug*

Opening up to people is very hard, it exposes a part of your inner self that is so vulnerable.

Although my secrets and past are not the same as your and the issue quite different, I too find it hard to open up and say this is really who I am. I know how people see me, and often am haunted by the fact that this image is not who I truely am. Somedays I am not sure if even I know what I want and what lays hidden (even from me) in my inner self. Every once in a while I seem to self-destruct inside and shatter into the million versions of my self. My past selves, the images that others have of me, who I am right at this instant, and who I hope to be. Everytime I rebuild I again realize 2 points:
1) I can never leave behind my past and who I was and what happened for it will always be apart of me.

2) My past is only a small part of me, and although it has shaped much of my life and self now, everyday I can chose who I am. We are not trapped by our pasts, our options just slightly shaped and constrained by them.

This week I talked to a friend about the parts of me that he never really knew about, it does change how they see you, but that can be a could thing. His image of me is closer to who I really am and I am by far more comfortable being me. I am not sure if you can spend the rest of your life with someone and know that their image of you isn't really you. I know that it will take time for me to understand who I am, but I know that I want to share that knowledge with the man I love. I don't want him to marry someone that isn't the real me.

Now I am the one who is babbling, but it is often easier to type, and just watch your secret self pour out onto the screen letter by letter. I imagine Lit as a party where we all where a mask to conceal the identity that others know while revealing the secret aspects of ourselves that no one else really knows.

This is a great thread...

I too am struggling with my bisexuality, or more correctly, struggling with what it means in my life. .....
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now, but I should say that it's awesome to have a place like this to open up about things, even if it's to complete strangers! Always better to get things down on paper/computer, than to keep them inside, if one can't quite communicate verbally about them. Thanks for listening.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

What a Beautiful thread

I am bisexual...have always been bisexual..never wanted to be anything else. I think in some respects that it is a trifle easier for women to come out to their S/O's or their friends. Guys like that type of thing and women are expected to be *touchy-feely*.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you..as i have never had to deal with people who could not handle my sexuality. The fact that you and your lady are so open, honest and loving to one another is a big PLUS. It is a beautiful thing when someone has a person like your lady in their corner.

Vixie had it right when she said repulsion is NOT good for you...nor do you HAVE to come out to everyone in the world. It really isn't anyone's business but those you are closest to. I hope for your sake that your journey is one filled with limitless discoveries...something that you and your lady can grow from. The community is sometimes a neccessity. It helps you to see that you are not the only one.

Thank you for explaining so eloquently what my best friend has been telling me for ages (well ever since he came out to me as bi)
it is hard to feel accepted when you find you have trouble accepting yourself.

Goddess bless and be well

pet