Bisexual jealousy

[lil ozzie sub]

I'm a bisexual in a lesbian relationship. My partner is also bisexual and we have agreed to being able to see men on a sexual basis only. Sometimes it's together with a male but more often it's on a 1:1 basis.

Recently I've begun to become increasingly jealous of my partner's dalliances with her 'boys' she sees on her own, which is making things quite uncomfortable. I'm fine with the fact that she wants to have a simple good old fashioned fuck, but when she is actually visiting her boy or arranging the details, I really become resentful of the fact that I won't be there as well. I want to join in as I love threesomes with my partner and love watching her working on a bloke. I usually get over the resentment within half a day.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and worked through the issue? My partner and I have talked about it a lot and we keep going around in circles.

 

[lil ozzie sub]

oops, forgot.

I chose not to sleep with men on my own at this time which impacts on the whole situation.

 

[Cigan]

I experienced some of this with an ex. Open relationships are incessantly hard to do because humans are naturally jealous creatures. You are going to get jealous of your partner, and when you have relations with boys 1:1 your partner likely gets jealous of you. As long as you are getting over it quickly it should be fine. If you find yourself being more intensely jealous as time goes on, or it takes longer to get over it, you might have to talk to your girlfriend and redefine the parameters of the relationship. Just explain to her that you didn't think it would bother you before, but it turns out that it has, and you would really like to limit the male experiences to situations you are both involved in. But see if the jealousy gets any better or worse first. This can be a tender issue to work through.

 

[CharleyH]

I've lived a greater part of my existence in 'open' relationships, but only once with a partner. Not to be pessimistic, but because of non-communication on both our parts, it ended.

Your agreement was 'being able to see,' in your case, 'men on a sexual basis only' - so that is the parametre you agreed on, you need to respect it or as Cigan says, redefine it.

However, you are also bothered by your partner arranging details. I am going to be presumptuous and assume, which is never a good word, that those details are arranged in your prescence? Which is to me, just not kosher, and if so, exceptionally disrespectful, which only would add to jealousy, so if this is happening, you will need to articulate your feelings on it sooner rather than later.

Again as Cigan says, 'humans are naturally jealous.' I do agree that in a relationship with a partner, where emotion is hightened, 'openness' can elicit jealousy. The more you feel toward your partner, the more jealous or resentful you will be or she will, which is why, sometimes, relationships and 'openness' don't mix. It's a difficult scenario even in the most mature of people, or 'solid' of relationships where nothing is ever completely balanced. One partner will always feel less loved, more loved, less paid attention to and a whole gamut of things including that one will sleep with more than the other, which could be a whole different jealousy.

Relationships, in any scenario, are give and take, and instead of running around in circular discussions, you need to first define what it is that YOU want and need. If you are not getting wants/needs met . . . well, a different story. But, if you don't even know, then unfortunately you will always run in circles. Make a list? Be precise. Approach it with a delicate hand, and don't get angry. Communication is a greater percent of the path, despite what anyone else thinks. Without it - you just end up causing eachother a lot of pain.

Just explain to her that you didn't think it would bother you before, but it turns out that it has, and you would really like to limit the male experiences to situations you are both involved in.

I agree.

Good luck.

 

[lil ozzie sub]

Thanks for the responses.

However, you are also bothered by your partner arranging details. I am going to be presumptuous and assume, which is never a good word, that those details are arranged in your prescence? Which is to me, just not kosher, and if so, exceptionally disrespectful, which only would add to jealousy, so if this is happening, you will need to articulate your feelings on it sooner rather than later.

Part of our agreement is that we both know exactly what the other is doing - BEFORE the event. I prefer her to arrange things in front of me rather than hide it. I'm probably putting my head in the firing line by doing it, but I'd rather know she is going to see Mr X, than having her come home having seen Mr X. We have had that happen and I lost the plot totally. Hence the arrangements being done openly.

I've lived a greater part of my existence in 'open' relationships, but only once with a partner. Not to be pessimistic, but because of non-communication on both our parts, it ended.

That is one area we don't have much problem. We talk about everything (We even use IM when it's a difficult issue and want to be able to clarify our thoughts before we open our mouths [hit enter] and blow it big time). We even talk about what happened in a visit- which doesn't worry me at all (weird, I know).

If you find yourself being more intensely jealous as time goes on, or it takes longer to get over it, you might have to talk to your girlfriend and redefine the parameters of the relationship. Just explain to her that you didn't think it would bother you before, but it turns out that it has, and you would really like to limit the male experiences to situations you are both involved in. But see if the jealousy gets any better or worse first. This can be a tender issue to work through.

At the moment, we are 'closing the hatches' so to speak, and concentrating on each other for a while. But I felt awful asking it of her

Neither of us wants to jeapordise the relationship, so she was only too keen to suspend the 1:1 visits. We'll review the situation as we go, but any advice would still be appreciated.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Said

One way I tend to release my jealousy is just to spend a little while focussing on why I'm dating the person I'm with, what makes them so important to me. Then think about whatever is making me jealous and look and the list thinking 'how much can being jealous over this be worth? Can being jealous over something like this be worth causing a scene and jepordizing the relationship itself'. It helps me at least. ^_^ You seem to have open lines of communication which is really the important thing, as long as you have that you can work through any problem in my opinion.

-Zergplex

 

[serpentofthefog]

this sounds sooooo familar! My boyfriend and I are having problems with this now. Me being bi, there are just areas that he knows that he will never be able to fofull, so we desided on an open relationship. We have been together for 2 years, and been in an open relationship for about a year. Now he is getting upset and jelous whenever I do anything because he's too damn shy to try and do the same. Now we both sat down and had a long talk about this. I told him that he had nothing to be upset about, that I was just having sex with these people. His fear is that I will find someone better. Another is the dease factor, we are both clean, but you never know what someone else has. Do you think that this is why you are getting upset? I think that the best solution is to talk with her about it. tell her that you want to have fun too. And I agree, there is nothing better than a threesome! When him and I spoke about this, I told him that I wasnt going to leave a 2 year long relationship for just someone I fucked. The best advise I can give you is to talk it over with her, and try to put the idea of a threesome in her head!

 

[CharleyH]

Just to make myself kind of clear, the mere fact THAT you WERE jealous YELLS miscommunication.

On an optimistic note: that you are talking and feeling better is a good thing (not to be some sort of Martha Stewart or anything).

Yet, I am still of the belief that while it is good to 'know' what's going on from a disease perspective. (Oh - and I am big on getting checked out even if a condom is used . . . there ARE 'other' things out in the word, so I always suggest a frank discussion and a pap etc. before a lover crawls into my bed , though, slight chuckle, I lax on my rules sometimes). . . talking about it to a partner, (not what I just mentioned) more than a mere passing, a mere knowing, for example like "What did you do, describe it . . . " Is something your best not knowing.

I say this with a smile and a hope that all is well in your world.