Bisexual issues-insecurity

[geishaGirl]

I am 25 years old, bisexual and married. My husband is bi as well. I am interested in a woman who is a friend of ours and both my husband and I care for her very much. My problem is that I have trouble with him being attracted to other women, including our friend. They work together (she's there 3 days a week, him 5) and they are both flirtatious, fairly confident and experienced sexually whereas I feel very inadequate and have low confidence generally and in a sexual sense.

Has anyone been through something similar? I am only new to Literotica but I need to feel like I am not alone in this.

Our friend, her husband and me and my husband had 2 sexual experiences together - all 4 of us. That hasn't worked out for alot of different reasons but our friend and I REALLY want to do things together - just waiting for her husband's permission

In the meantime, knowing that my husband and our friend would love to do more things together bothers me and I feel even more insecure about myself, both sexually and generally, than I did before. They respect my decision, for when the time comes, that I don't want them doing things together but my husband can be involved with me while my friend and I do things together.

I am trying, with all that I have, to feel like its OK for me to have made that decision but I feel like the odd one out. I don't have any problem at all with my husband wanting to have sexual experiences with men - fine by me!! I feel terribly threatened because he likes our friend because she is a woman. Quite typical really I guess??????

alli_cat said this in another thread: "To me, bisexuality is mostly about just being open to totally loving people without caring about superficial things like gender - you really look at the true person, their spirit - and being able to express that love physically without worrying about social expectations of appropriate behaviour."

Wish I wasn't worried about gender either.............

 

[Netzach]

It sounds to me more like a security/sexual jealousy issue, whether it's got to do with a man a woman or your neighbor's horse, it's really less the issue.

You're not worried about men probably because you don't feel like your husband will run off with one, bottom line.

Either that feeling changes or it doesn't. Either he gives you reason to think he would not come home to you, or he doesn't give you reason to think that.

I went from an incredibly jealous person to a widely UN jealous poly one.

I'm not sure what the change was, exactly. I credit my ex girlfriend greatly. All I know is that I'm happier now, and that it was very much my own decision with myself, that I was not going to change others to suit me, nor was I going to die if anyone fell out of love with me, and I decided I didn't have to be jealous anymore. And I've not been. There are some critical turning point realizations/promises to yourself that you make when you are ready and stick to....
whether you decide that you are OK with your husband with other women or not is totally your choice and OK either way.

 

[oo0_boo_0oo]

Feeling as insecure about the situation as you do, my advice is not to go ahead with it.

Until you can feel 100% confident about it... keep it as fantasy.

 

[Pookie]

If there is jealousy involved, it is a recipe for a disaster. I wouldn't begin anything until you and your husband are completely comfortable with things. Ground rules are definitely a must before you begin something too ... especially with you not being comfortable to begin with.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

Wait until you are comfortable. If you allow for her to join you and you are filled with self doubt then everything that happens afterwards will be riddle with thought of "is he thinking about her, is he wishing she were here, does he want her more then me." If he is anything like me the answer to all those questions are no but if he says no you would worry that he is just saying that to make you happy.

When we had our first threesome my wife wasn’t sure of herself. Afterwards it was a lot of cool down time and reassurance I wasn't going to run off with the other woman. It took a while but now she is very self-confidant and secure in our relationship.

In a nutshell, feel rock solid secure in your relationship before you invite someone to your bed. Do not do the " I can play with her but you can't" if he can't play neither should you. It’s just not a fair thing to do. IMHO

 

[alli_cat]

If you're feeling that unhappy and insecure, don't do it. Not only will it be damaging to your relationship, but frankly, it won't be much fun!

Perhaps you should talk to the other woman as well, I suspect that she may not like your husband anywhere near as much as she likes you

 

[Etoile]

I concur strongly with Netzach. This isn't about sexuality, it's about whether or not you want to open up your relationship. Are either you or your husband truly polyamorous? What about your friend and her husband? Having group sex doesn't mean the participants are polyamorous. If you don't want to open up your relationship - and this has to be true for all parties involved - then you shouldn't do it. It will only bring heartache.

 

[geishaGirl]

THANK YOU to all of you for your words of advice.

 

[jadestar]

I don't know if you still needed any advice on the situation or not, but here's my two cents.

I had a problem like that just recently. An old female friend of the guy i'm seeing came down for a visit. Things ended up getting really hot and steamy between the 3 of us, but afterwards I was plagued by a constant doubt. She had known him longer, been his friend longer, they had had previous sexual relations...

Then I voiced my concerns to my lover. We sat down, talked it all out. He made sure I understood that our relationship was totally secure.

If you are truly interested in working out a permanent solution to this problem then I would suggest talking it over with your husband. Have a nice chat about how you feel about this whole situation, and be honest.

Usually these sorts of fears are not situation specific, but rather deeply rooted, general fears. You should try working on your self-confidence, and your confidence in your relationship.

 

[CuriousNude]

I don't know if you still needed any advice on the situation or not, but here's my two cents.

I had a problem like that just recently. An old female friend of the guy i'm seeing came down for a visit. Things ended up getting really hot and steamy between the 3 of us, but afterwards I was plagued by a constant doubt. She had known him longer, been his friend longer, they had had previous sexual relations...

Then I voiced my concerns to my lover. We sat down, talked it all out. He made sure I understood that our relationship was totally secure.

If you are truly interested in working out a permanent solution to this problem then I would suggest talking it over with your husband. Have a nice chat about how you feel about this whole situation, and be honest.

Usually these sorts of fears are not situation specific, but rather deeply rooted, general fears. You should try working on your self-confidence, and your confidence in your relationship.

Sounds like good advice.....communication is always the key !

 

[south_florida_bicur]

100% agree with the following: If you're feeling that unhappy and insecure, don't do it. Not only will it be damaging to your relationship, but frankly, it won't be much fun!

I wish you luck and please let us know what the results are.

 

[geishaGirl]

insecurity - i'm getting there

I have had several talks with my husband and with the woman I am interested in and slowly I am getting there

Have definitely been feeling much better in the past week or so. Am starting to understand that my friend actually doesn't like my husband as much as I thought - am still working through how I interpret flirting in general. I have thought up until now that if you flirt with someone it means you want things to happen.

My husband has also said that if I wish to have a completely independent sex life with this woman, then I can! That is great to know too and I am so appreciative of him for that but I'm sure I will want to let him be involved at some point.

I have just always thought that if the 3 of us were doing things either my husband or friend would want to, in the heat of the moment, do things together - things I wouldn't be comfortable with. Although I trust both of them I obviously have only trusted to a certain point - I am starting to trust and believe that neither of them would do that. As my husband said "I won't do something at the time and then make you deal with it later"

 

[LarzMachine]

If there is jealousy involved, it is a recipe for a disaster. I wouldn't begin anything until you and your husband are completely comfortable with things. Ground rules are definitely a must before you begin something too ... especially with you not being comfortable to begin with.

I'll second that. One of the reasons my relationship with my ex disintegrated was because I had problems with her fucking everything with two legs.

 

[alli_cat]

Re: insecurity - i'm getting there

I have had several talks with my husband and with the woman I am interested in and slowly I am getting there

Have definitely been feeling much better in the past week or so. Am starting to understand that my friend actually doesn't like my husband as much as I thought - am still working through how I interpret flirting in general. I have thought up until now that if you flirt with someone it means you want things to happen.

My husband has also said that if I wish to have a completely independent sex life with this woman, then I can! That is great to know too and I am so appreciative of him for that but I'm sure I will want to let him be involved at some point.

I have just always thought that if the 3 of us were doing things either my husband or friend would want to, in the heat of the moment, do things together - things I wouldn't be comfortable with. Although I trust both of them I obviously have only trusted to a certain point - I am starting to trust and believe that neither of them would do that. As my husband said "I won't do something at the time and then make you deal with it later"

I think that you should send your husband out on Friday night, and she should get her husband to babysit... then she can bring her camera and come and play... just a suggestion. *grin* Maybe she can bring some Maison as well and get you giggling first

As long as you are sure you're ok with it... she doesn't want things to get confusing and unhappy for you again

 

[geishaGirl]

Re: Re: insecurity - i'm getting there

I think that you should send your husband out on Friday night, and she should get her husband to babysit... then she can bring her camera and come and play... just a suggestion. *grin* Maybe she can bring some Maison as well and get you giggling first

As long as you are sure you're ok with it... she doesn't want things to get confusing and unhappy for you again

I am thinking that's a wonderful idea

things will not be confusing with she and me

and i also think Maison is a brilliant idea too

 

[alli_cat]

Re: Re: Re: insecurity - i'm getting there

I am thinking that's a wonderful idea

things will not be confusing with she and me

and i also think Maison is a brilliant idea too

Yay! Hurry up Friday