Big things come to small girls with short skirts

[kurgen]

Hi all

Thought I would post this story here for some critique as my last few efforts have been canned because of my inept writing skill and grammar.

here is the link

http://www.chyoo.com/index.php/main.story.cover/5747

I guess only mods can read it, am I correct in that assumption?

Should I post the story here?

Thanks for the assistance in advance

Kurgen

"There can be only one" pity he cant spell his name correctly!

 

[moonblack]

No, not just mods. Everyone can read it.

 

[Zingiber]

Kurgen,

Your story looks like it will pass with modest editing. It has a sexy playful tone and gets right into action.

If the main character already has a name (Len), you probably don't need to prompt for the reader's first and last name.

Your paragraph and line spacing seems a bit uneven. For readability, I would suggest joining lines together where they describe a series of related actions (for example, Len following Al and Eina back to the house; a separate paragraph Len masturbating as he watches Al and Eina from the window) such that the right margin isn't jagged. You should leave a blank line between paragraphs, and break paragraphs where there is a change in the action (after each character's orgasm would be good).

Spelling/usage:

"cock rind" -> "cock ring"
"striped to there panties to feel the suns rays on there tired bodies" -> "stripped to their panties to feel the sun's rays on their tired bodies"
"she had bee wasting" -> "she had been wasting"
"A short time latter" -> "A short time later"
"booth giggled" -> "both giggled"
"What a women" -> "What a woman"
" like minutes' " -> " like minutes "


Interesting observation by Len: "I had not felt aroused by a girl in a long time". I wonder if that prompted Al to be more sexual with Eina if Len was paying her less attention.

-Z

 

[kurgen]

Thanks for the help

I have always been hopeless at grammar and spelling.
The assistance is most appreciated.

Cheers Kurgen

 

[Zingiber]

another fix to the first page of the story:

"It surly must be" -> "It surely must be"

It's definitely worth cleaning up the other issues ("there" versus "their", paragraphs and spacing, et cetera). It looks like the first page is still in much the same state as when you originally asked for us to look at it.

-Z.

 

[kurgen]

Critique

thanks I am working on it though real life has to be #1

Thanks for the help.

Kurgen