BG's frustrated

[banyangirl]

Hi everyone. Hopefully some of you will have advice for me!

Background: I'm in an open relationship with my SO of four years. Our sex life is generally really great, we're long-distance much of the time, but we find ways to make it work.

What does this post have to do with BDSM, you ask.

Well, here's the thing: I love to be dominated. I'm a complete submissive, and I know he could be a wonderful Dom. But that's where the issue lies. He's afraid to try out anything resembling BDSM with me, because he's scared that he'll get too into being a Dom and hurt me somehow, either physically or emotionally. He's trying to get past the distaste he finds for it, because he knows I'm really interested in it. And no, before you ask, he won't let me have a Dom outside of him, which I'm not happy about but I respect him so I don't really make a fuss. His reasoning for this is that he's afraid that the Dom would somehow mess up our relationship or want more of me than my SO would be comfortable with.

Complicating matters is the fact that he's into very BDSM-like things. He loves the idea of threesomes and bukkake, of me being used in a group setting by various men and women. This would be all well and good if he could balance this with loving, gentle sex every now and again, but every time I try and slow him down and point him in a more gentle direction, he always adds in a girl to our fantasy. This has led to me feeling really uncared for: like I'm second in interest to the hypothetical woman in our play. It's not that the idea of threesomes and bukkake doesn't turn me on; it does. However, having the same idea every single time, even if it's different scenarios, does tend to get old.

I was in a FWB relationship with a man this past fall who was very dominant in bed, and I adored that. We don't sleep together anymore, but our day to day platonic interactions are still fraught with pretty heavy D/s undertones. It frustrates me that I can't make my SO see that I've been in a successful D/s relationship already and nothing bad happened to our relationship as a result.

Does anyone have any advice for me, other than to man up and say, "It's not fair that you won't let me have a Dom if you can't do it yourself"? The D/s itch is one that really needs to be scratched for me, and I'm afraid that I'm going to start going behind my SO's back about it if I don't speak up about it. Obviously I really, really don't want to do that. Any helpful tips for how to speak to him about all of this gently?

Thanks so much if you've bothered to read through this post. I didn't mean for it to be so long!

 

[SimonBrooke]

Hi everyone. Hopefully some of you will have advice for me!

Background: I'm in an open relationship with my SO of four years. Our sex life is generally really great, we're long-distance much of the time, but we find ways to make it work.

What does this post have to do with BDSM, you ask.

Well, here's the thing: I love to be dominated. I'm a complete submissive, and I know he could be a wonderful Dom. But that's where the issue lies. He's afraid to try out anything resembling BDSM with me, because he's scared that he'll get too into being a Dom and hurt me somehow, either physically or emotionally. He's trying to get past the distaste he finds for it, because he knows I'm really interested in it. And no, before you ask, he won't let me have a Dom outside of him, which I'm not happy about but I respect him so I don't really make a fuss. His reasoning for this is that he's afraid that the Dom would somehow mess up our relationship or want more of me than my SO would be comfortable with.

Complicating matters is the fact that he's into very BDSM-like things. He loves the idea of threesomes and bukkake, of me being used in a group setting by various men and women. This would be all well and good if he could balance this with loving, gentle sex every now and again, but every time I try and slow him down and point him in a more gentle direction, he always adds in a girl to our fantasy. This has led to me feeling really uncared for: like I'm second in interest to the hypothetical woman in our play. It's not that the idea of threesomes and bukkake doesn't turn me on; it does. However, having the same idea every single time, even if it's different scenarios, does tend to get old.

I was in a FWB relationship with a man this past fall who was very dominant in bed, and I adored that. We don't sleep together anymore, but our day to day platonic interactions are still fraught with pretty heavy D/s undertones. It frustrates me that I can't make my SO see that I've been in a successful D/s relationship already and nothing bad happened to our relationship as a result.

Does anyone have any advice for me, other than to man up and say, "It's not fair that you won't let me have a Dom if you can't do it yourself"? The D/s itch is one that really needs to be scratched for me, and I'm afraid that I'm going to start going behind my SO's back about it if I don't speak up about it. Obviously I really, really don't want to do that. Any helpful tips for how to speak to him about all of this gently?

Thanks so much if you've bothered to read through this post. I didn't mean for it to be so long!

OK, first {{{HUGS}}}.

I find myself becoming something of a BDSM match-maker and social worker these days, I've no idea how!

But I do feel your pain, and I also do understand part of where he's coming from.

Nicely brought up young men a brought up not to hurt women. It's a big, big prohibition in our upbringing, and very difficult to overcome. I was almost 40 before I could admit to myself 'I'm a sadist', and I still say I'm a 'mild sadist' or 'partly a sadist'.

I also completely understand - if he has anything of the dominant in him - why he doesn't want you fucking another dominant. It's part of the dominant mindset to see women as property. That's another of the things we're socialised to deny, but it's true. In an 'open' relationship he may not see non-dominant males as a threat to his role, but a dominant male is a very clear and definite threat to his role.

You need to help him express his dominant side, or do without D/s in your life, or leave him. I suggest the first option is the one to follow!

If you acted up, could you persuade him to punish you? If you threatened to fuck this man against his will, could you persuade him to punish you? There are ways you can encourage him to treat you more firmly, and if these work you can keep working on them.

Finally, ask yourself this: is he actually as committed to you as you to him?

 

[Netzach]

However, having the same idea every single time, even if it's different scenarios, does tend to get old.

Bukakke and threesomes work for him. Dominance works for you. He could probably say the same thing about your interests.

You're not going to make him into something he's not, so compromising might behoove you. Even if "today is bukakke and threesome day, tomorrow you boss me around more" seems stupid it might be better than nothing.