Beyond the Deep End

[sincerely_helene]

Inspired by Andreina's thread. (And, ok, maybe AA's sigline.)

I have been into the idea of a d/s and maybe a bdsm relationship for several years now, to the point that nearly all of my erotica and fantasies incoorporate at least one of those aspects.

Being one who bores easily, I can't help but wonder if such a relationship will lose it's appeal as I grow closer to my future mate. I worry that once I hit that 'comfort zone,' I just won't be able to see him in the same 'dominant' light as when we first met, and the idea of engaging in a BDSM encounter will seem more like a chore than an erotic adventure.

Anyone else ever consider the possibility of falling in love and the effects it may have on their arousal factor?

Does it concern you that you may hit a point where it's no longer a case of keeping you on your toes so much as a dreaded routine?

I mean, everyone has limits, so surely there has to be a point when you have exhausted all the perverse fantasies that have long lived inside both of your heads?

What's left once you have done absolutely everything?

Do you just delve into the realms of the extreme? If so, where does it end, and how do you still possess the common sense to not take it too far when acting out of desperation to preserve the physical stimulation?... And then what?

How do you people keep the dynamic fresh?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it depends on the people involved and also whether it is love or just momentary lust/infatuation. I also have a low boredom threshold, but can't say I have tried everything, or see that as even a possibility as there is just so much to do, and in so many different ways. It depends on whether you have an imaginative partner who can take you to the edge and then add that unexpected twist in such a way it tweaks your insides and makes you fall all over again. It is not easy to find such a person, nor does it happen without a lot of open communication whereby you do not hold back what is going through your head, good and bad, as opposed to expecting them to know. Sometimes you might find your Dominant partner has similar or the exact same fantasy, but without knowing you share it, is not going to go there at a certain point.....mostly these fall in the realm of extreme fantasies, not your hearts and flowers regular scene type ones.

I also think it comes down to whether you are going to also put up a lot of limits and declare you will never, ever change them. Once that begins, most Dominants will lose interest and you will become the recipient of the same old thing until one or both of you become so bored you move on. For us, the boredom does not exist, simply because we are both deviots, and if one does not have any fresh ideas or twings, the other suggests some in whetever way is appropriate given our relationship. I think it also helps we are so wrapped in each other as that alone is a huge turn on that only gets hotter, not cooler. I guess also it can become boring quickly if it is not so much something you are into, but something you buy into because you think it is taboo or exciting to be seen to be kinky...there are lots out there doing that I am finding. As with any relationship, first you have to be true to yourself, and then find a partner who can share and appreciate that honesty, with a whole lot of chemistry thrown in....those relationships rarely become boring.

Catalina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Anyone else ever consider the possibility of falling in love and the effects it may have on their arousal factor?

And must the two mutually exclude each other? i realize my posting reputation preceeds me here, and i might cause a few gasps from the peanut gallery. Be that as it may, for my interest to go beyond fucking a hole for the sheer pleasure, something else has to exist. Why not falling in love?

How do you people keep the dynamic fresh?

(Pardon me for answering these out of order, but necessary from my POV.) i could flippantly answer you keep it fresh by going back to square one and starting all over again. You sound earnest enough to deserve a serious answer. The dynamic sustains itself if the people involved wish for it to continue.

What's left once you have done absolutely everything?

My answer to this exists in the last line of the Gene Wilder version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." It may not be the easiest dream to attain. You may have to bust your ass for it to happen. If, however, you give less than your best, you have only yourself to blame for staring in the mirror one morning wondering why the hell you're there.

Welcome to the true deep end.

 

[Joe Schmoe]

Inspired by Andreina's thread. (And, ok, maybe AA's sigline.)

I have been into the idea of a d/s and maybe a bdsm relationship for several years now, to the point that nearly all of my erotica and fantasies incoorporate at least one of those aspects.

Being one who bores easily, I can't help but wonder if such a relationship will lose it's appeal as I grow closer to my future mate. I worry that once I hit that 'comfort zone,' I just won't be able to see him in the same 'dominant' light as when we first met, and the idea of engaging in a BDSM encounter will seem more like a chore than an erotic adventure.


Anyone else ever consider the possibility of falling in love and the effects it may have on their arousal factor?

First off, I think you are analyzing this far to much, or maybe it is just worrying too much. I am not sure which. Sometimes it is best to cross the bridges when we get to them. Secondly, I believe you will find that the both of you will evolve while together. This should allow the comfort zone to stay from being static

Does it concern you that you may hit a point where it's no longer a case of keeping you on your toes so much as a dreaded routine?

I mean, everyone has limits, so surely there has to be a point when you have exhausted all the perverse fantasies that have long lived inside both of your heads?

Routines can be altered if needed, fantasies are not limited. The more you explore the lifestyle the more your horizon should broaden, which should fuel further fantasies and experimentation.

What's left once you have done absolutely everything?

Do you just delve into the realms of the extreme? If so, where does it end, and how do you still possess the common sense to not take it too far when acting out of desperation to preserve the physical stimulation?... And then what?

Very few has done everything, will do everything and can do everything. Some do venture further and further out to the more extreme, but not everyone. Everyone has their own pace, direction and desires. There are many ways to preserve the physical stimulation. There are many activities one can be involved in. Mix them up. Some ways can be through altering duration, intensity, method etc.

To know where does it end and if common sense will still prevail is something that only you can answer for yourself. Some become dangerous to themselves and/or to their partner, losing their common sense but the majority knows where the line must be drawn. You and your partner will have to draw that line.

How do you people keep the dynamic fresh?

By mutual and it has to be mutual, desire, thought, discussion and effort. As in anything worthwhile in this world. As in any relationship.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And must the two mutually exclude each other? i realize my posting reputation preceeds me here, and i might cause a few gasps from the peanut gallery. Be that as it may, for my interest to go beyond fucking a hole for the sheer pleasure, something else has to exist. Why not falling in love?(Pardon me for answering these out of order, but necessary from my POV.) i could flippantly answer you keep it fresh by going back to square one and starting all over again. You sound earnest enough to deserve a serious answer. The dynamic sustains itself if the people involved wish for it to continue. My answer to this exists in the last line of the Gene Wilder version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." It may not be the easiest dream to attain. You may have to bust your ass for it to happen. If, however, you give less than your best, you have only yourself to blame for staring in the mirror one morning wondering why the hell you're there.

Welcome to the true deep end.

Great post AA, with a good dose of reality as opposed to the stereotyped images so many try to live up to because they think they have to, or because it appears kinky and taboo. We much prefer to live realistically, and part of that is including the much harder challenge of maintaining a strong relationship based unashamedly on love while also living a M/s relationship in the extremes. Seems a lot of people have this view they cannot go together, and that it makes it a softer, role playing version of the 'real thing'...I personally think it becomes much harder in both areas, and much easier.....the talent lies in knowing what you want, knowing what each other is needing as opposed to following cookie cutter models of behaviour, shutting out the misguided notions of those who do not share it, and remembering when times get tough exactly why you do as you do with the one you do.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

And must the two mutually exclude each other? i realize my posting reputation preceeds me here, and i might cause a few gasps from the peanut gallery. Be that as it may, for my interest to go beyond fucking a hole for the sheer pleasure, something else has to exist. Why not falling in love?(Pardon me for answering these out of order, but necessary from my POV.) i could flippantly answer you keep it fresh by going back to square one and starting all over again. You sound earnest enough to deserve a serious answer. The dynamic sustains itself if the people involved wish for it to continue. My answer to this exists in the last line of the Gene Wilder version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." It may not be the easiest dream to attain. You may have to bust your ass for it to happen. If, however, you give less than your best, you have only yourself to blame for staring in the mirror one morning wondering why the hell you're there.

Welcome to the true deep end.

Wonderful post AA.

 

[graceanne]

I don't understand why love and BDSM can't go hand in hand. To tell the truth, I can't imagine one without the other. I think that BDSM without love would be superficial and hollow. Love just takes it to another depth.

I agree with Joe, I think you're overanalizing this. Go with the flow. Relax and enjoy the ride. Let tomorrow take care of itself, and one day at a time.

 

[Netzach]

I could hang the same person off my same rafter every day for the rest of my life and be ecstatic. It's never quite the same twice, even when it might seem the same.

 

[Red Sonja]

I could hang the same person off my same rafter every day for the rest of my life and be ecstatic. It's never quite the same twice, even when it might seem the same.

I think it comes down to this... if you really love the person you're being hung by or hanging; it is always fun and never boring. Dh and I have been together for the last 13 years in November, and are still learning new things about each other.

Let's not start thinking we are some kind of different human beings... we are still the same as vanillas. Sure our needs are a bit different but the key to a successful relationship is steady: Communicate, communicate talk it out before it's too late.

 

[shy slave]

Its a good question Helene, not sure i agree with the thought you may be over-analysing it.

I love questions that make me think.

The early elements of any new relationship are easy because you want it to work and there are so many things to try.
Sustaining any relationship takes work and takes it out of the bedroom/dungeon/whatever.

Actually AA's answer explains all I could say on it.

Will keep watching to see how the discussion develops though,

I wonder what Pure and OSG take on this is?

 

[babiesmiles]

Inspired by Andreina's thread. (And, ok, maybe AA's sigline.)

I have been into the idea of a d/s and maybe a bdsm relationship for several years now, to the point that nearly all of my erotica and fantasies incoorporate at least one of those aspects.

Being one who bores easily, I can't help but wonder if such a relationship will lose it's appeal as I grow closer to my future mate. I worry that once I hit that 'comfort zone,' I just won't be able to see him in the same 'dominant' light as when we first met, and the idea of engaging in a BDSM encounter will seem more like a chore than an erotic adventure.

Anyone else ever consider the possibility of falling in love and the effects it may have on their arousal factor?

Does it concern you that you may hit a point where it's no longer a case of keeping you on your toes so much as a dreaded routine?

I mean, everyone has limits, so surely there has to be a point when you have exhausted all the perverse fantasies that have long lived inside both of your heads?

What's left once you have done absolutely everything?

Do you just delve into the realms of the extreme? If so, where does it end, and how do you still possess the common sense to not take it too far when acting out of desperation to preserve the physical stimulation?... And then what?

How do you people keep the dynamic fresh?

S_H I have very few to add to the appropriate answers you got till now , but I 'd like to observe your post from another more existential, inner, point of view.

In my opinion your very well put questions related to the possibility to keep fresh a D/s ( or bdsm ) relation once one is in an even gilden everyday routine , can be translated with a little effort of imagination to every kind of relation / situation we are into or we have to face.

So a part the obvious parallele which can be made with a deep vanilla relation , where boredorm and habit, if not fought with all one's own resources, can easily use up the strongest love after a while , I'd like to apply it to other aspects of our life as individuals not only like part of a couple .

Your post made me think about our ( I am generalizing now for easiness of reading ) attitude to consume every , even strongly wanted , result we can get "taking it for granted " after a while .

In particular I thought about the mankind's ingrained usage to consider every goal we reach just the starting point for something else . It's a deep rooted trend and , in my opinion it leads without exceptions to unhappiness and frustration.

We usually have in mind a goal (of the most various kind, e.g. find love , find a suitable PLY/ply , obtain a result on job, buit a bridge , write a book .... ) and while all our inner self is projected towards that target, we live in the future , our mind is already there , as sport pleople say " our heart is beyond the obstacle ".

That makes we lose the " now and here " dimension of life , the taste of the route we have marked out to get there .

The Taoist expression " the journey is the reward " is one of my favourite motto which I remember myself when I feel I am consumming my life rising every day more my milestones goals.

It can be in stretching one's own boundaries in a D/s relation , claiming more in a even vanilla one or just stalking one owns job career in a blind run of restless ambitions.

I am not saying one should stop in that " comfort zone " where all is easier but all can become excruciatingly boring and frustrating .

I am one on the edge side of life , always and however , but I am learning to recognize the little " intermediate" pleasures one can steal from life , giving them a sense in themselves enjoying them for what they are .. part of our present life.

In that way a D/s relation ( or mutatis mutandis a vanilla one , or a job , or an artistic or sport goal .... et cetera) which is not so new anymore and has lost , the "novelty" appeal of the " we have to try everything" , can dress itself of new light and new meanings, if you feel it is worth the effort to make it work.

I agree with you, in my opinion doesn't exist a " no limits" relation in bdsm as in every other field of our life ( maybe just in some parent /son bounds there are feelings close to it ).

There are always limits in things we live , as you say " the realm of extreme " is always in ambush in the inner depth of our minds , but even "the extreme" has a limit ....
....... Would you ( impersonal you) cage your beloved to not let him /her go ? .....would you kill/ backbite/ your boss ... and the boss of your boss ( and go on ) ... to take his job ? Would you seriously damage or being damaged both phisically and /or mentally for the sake of a new bdsm shiver ?

I wouldn't .

Everyone has to stop at a certain point and I think the secret to be, if not happy, enough well and satisfied with oneself , is to enjoy every step of the journey cause after all our ultimate aim is to grow as individuals and if I am allowed a Fromm's quote to pass from the the "to have "logic to the "to be " one .

In that way , in my opinion, if one lives in his/her present , aware of people and things which sourround one's own space, giving them room , time , care and attention, being with the fantasy, soul mind and heart in what you are doing "at the moment" , the worthy relationships dont fall in routine and dont burn out because the real enemy of a relation is the absence of one of the sides .

Maybe I went off topic, but these were my thoughts reading S_H post . b.

 

[Hajar]

I have only glanced at the pp replies so if I'm repeating sorry.
Love and bdsm so mix in my opinon (but hey I'm married to my D), one of the most sadistic play sessions I've seen was 2 married couples, it was amazing and inc everthing from piercing and cutting to the final amazing flogging, these women are committed to their families, jobs etc, but these outside influences in no way dilute the intensity of play or submission, and in chatting with these women, they don't think that play has become boring or anything remotely close to it ( I was worried to that time takes a toll)
Also I don't think it's possible to do everything, I just don't; a sadistic mind will find someway to change the usual into the unusual.
Now I will be the first to admit life comes at you, family, work and all that the world entails, and it may if you allow it erode some of the relationship, but if both parties work at it, I think boredom and repeats are less of an issue.

my 2 cents.

 

[shy slave]

In response to Babies post this is slighty off topic too

S_H I have very few to add to the appropriate answers you got till now , but I 'd like to observe your post from another more existential, inner, point of view.

In my opinion your very well put questions related to the possibility to keep fresh a D/s ( or bdsm ) relation once one is in an even gilden everyday routine , can be translated with a little effort of imagination to every kind of relation / situation we are into or we have to face.

So a part the obvious parallele which can be made with a deep vanilla relation , where boredorm and habit, if not fought with all one's own resources, can easily use up the strongest love after a while , I'd like to apply it to other aspects of our life as individuals not only like part of a couple .

Your post made me think about our ( I am generalizing now for easiness of reading ) attitude to consume every , even strongly wanted , result we can get "taking it for granted " after a while .

In particular I thought about the mankind's ingrained usage to consider every goal we reach just the starting point for something else . It's a deep rooted trend and , in my opinion it leads without exceptions to unhappiness and frustration.

We usually have in mind a goal (of the most various kind, e.g. find love , find a suitable PLY/ply , obtain a result on job, buit a bridge , write a book .... ) and while all our inner self is projected towards that target, we live in the future , our mind is already there , as sport pleople say " our heart is beyond the obstacle ".

That makes we lose the " now and here " dimension of life , the taste of the route we have marked out to get there .

The Taoist expression " the journey is the reward " is one of my favourite motto which I remember myself when I feel I am consumming my life rising every day more my milestones goals.

It can be in stretching one's own boundaries in a D/s relation , claiming more in a even vanilla one or just stalking one owns job career in a blind run of restless ambitions.

I am not saying one should stop in that " comfort zone " where all is easier but all can become excruciatingly boring and frustrating .

I am one on the edge side of life , always and however , but I am learning to recognize the little " intermediate" pleasures one can steal from life , giving them a sense in themselves enjoying them for what they are .. part of our present life.

In that way a D/s relation ( or mutatis mutandis a vanilla one , or a job , or an artistic or sport goal .... et cetera) which is not so new anymore and has lost , the "novelty" appeal of the " we have to try everything" , can dress itself of new light and new meanings, if you feel it is worth the effort to make it work.

I agree with you, in my opinion doesn't exist a " no limits" relation in bdsm as in every other field of our life ( maybe just in some parent /son bounds there are feelings close to it ).

There are always limits in things we live , as you say " the realm of extreme " is always in ambush in the inner depth of our minds , but even "the extreme" has a limit ....
....... Would you ( impersonal you) cage your beloved to not let him /her go ? .....would you kill/ backbite/ your boss ... and the boss of your boss ( and go on ) ... to take his job ? Would you seriously damage or being damaged both phisically and /or mentally for the sake of a new bdsm shiver ?

I wouldn't .

Everyone has to stop at a certain point and I think the secret to be, if not happy, enough well and satisfied with oneself , is to enjoy every step of the journey cause after all our ultimate aim is to grow as individuals and if I am allowed a Fromm's quote to pass from the the "to have "logic to the "to be " one .

In that way , in my opinion, if one lives in his/her present , aware of people and things which sourround one's own space, giving them room , time , care and attention, being with the fantasy, soul mind and heart in what you are doing "at the moment" , the worthy relationships dont fall in routine and dont burn out because the real enemy of a relation is the absence of one of the sides .

Maybe I went off topic, but these were my thoughts reading S_H post . b.

Kabut Zin discusses in his books the aspect of living in the moment. This is based on the belief that the past has gone and the future, as we perceive it, may not happen. Even down to the most basic aspects of the future, for example meeting a train. Did we expect the person we met to have that precise look on their face, and if we did was it everything we imagined? Possibly not.

Projecting our minds further to the next target instead of appreciating the current situation, is not easy.
This is not helped by basic psychology theoretical discussions such as Maslows Hierarchy of Need which says we have to continue to achieve until we reach enlightenment and perfection.

Its a tough line between staying in the 'comfort zone' of what we expect from both our lives and each other and reaching for the next goal. Staying in the comfort zone can mean stagnation and potenial boredom, continual reaching out can mean never being happy with the current situation.

There are advantages of both aspects, comfort zone and moving forward, if you have someone to share those times with. It does not have to be a partner in the sexual or love sense (yes, splitting them into two seperate entities was deliberate) it can be a friend, family, anyone in your life.
People sometimes have a comfort zone in one area of their life and a moving forward aspect in another area. These are interchangeable making life in general more interesting and therefore gives an opportunity to experience different things at different times.

For example a five year old waiting on Father Christmas lives in both the potential future and in the moment. I can easily remember that physical sensation of excitment, enjoying it for its own sake. As adults we can lose that ability to appreciate every aspect.

In D/s looking for the next 'thing' can make it more of a tick list than a relationship. A bit like when we were given clipboards on a school trip and told to tick of various things we had seen.

If you remain with the same person for a period of time and enjoy all the non-BDSM things (like shopping, decorating, watching TV etc) with them it makes aspects of BDSM easier. They know your limits and those subtle changes in your body languauge that may indicate your able to push a little further, they understand when 'No' means 'No' or you feel low, unwell etc.

We also change over time, we often become more mellow, or more set in our ways. It can be hard to sustain a relationship if bboth people are experinecing subtle personality changes. It takes more than just verbal communication to ensure that there is not a drifting apart and relaising that actually you have no idea who that other person is.
I agree with Babies last statement about relationships and how they survive, but i would go further and say that once the novelty starts to wane thats when it is revealed if there is enough of a relationship to maintain and continue to grow and develop in other ways which may or may not include new aspects of BDSM.

Thanks for that Babies.
Alot to think about.

 

[Yggdrasil]

S_H I have very few to add to the appropriate answers you got till now , but I 'd like to observe your post from another more existential, inner, point of view.

In my opinion your very well put questions related to the possibility to keep fresh a D/s ( or bdsm ) relation once one is in an even gilden everyday routine , can be translated with a little effort of imagination to every kind of relation / situation we are into or we have to face.

So a part the obvious parallele which can be made with a deep vanilla relation , where boredorm and habit, if not fought with all one's own resources, can easily use up the strongest love after a while , I'd like to apply it to other aspects of our life as individuals not only like part of a couple .

Your post made me think about our ( I am generalizing now for easiness of reading ) attitude to consume every , even strongly wanted , result we can get "taking it for granted " after a while .

In particular I thought about the mankind's ingrained usage to consider every goal we reach just the starting point for something else . It's a deep rooted trend and , in my opinion it leads without exceptions to unhappiness and frustration.

We usually have in mind a goal (of the most various kind, e.g. find love , find a suitable PLY/ply , obtain a result on job, buit a bridge , write a book .... ) and while all our inner self is projected towards that target, we live in the future , our mind is already there , as sport pleople say " our heart is beyond the obstacle ".

That makes we lose the " now and here " dimension of life , the taste of the route we have marked out to get there .

The Taoist expression " the journey is the reward " is one of my favourite motto which I remember myself when I feel I am consumming my life rising every day more my milestones goals.

It can be in stretching one's own boundaries in a D/s relation , claiming more in a even vanilla one or just stalking one owns job career in a blind run of restless ambitions.

I am not saying one should stop in that " comfort zone " where all is easier but all can become excruciatingly boring and frustrating .

I am one on the edge side of life , always and however , but I am learning to recognize the little " intermediate" pleasures one can steal from life , giving them a sense in themselves enjoying them for what they are .. part of our present life.

In that way a D/s relation ( or mutatis mutandis a vanilla one , or a job , or an artistic or sport goal .... et cetera) which is not so new anymore and has lost , the "novelty" appeal of the " we have to try everything" , can dress itself of new light and new meanings, if you feel it is worth the effort to make it work.

I agree with you, in my opinion doesn't exist a " no limits" relation in bdsm as in every other field of our life ( maybe just in some parent /son bounds there are feelings close to it ).

There are always limits in things we live , as you say " the realm of extreme " is always in ambush in the inner depth of our minds , but even "the extreme" has a limit ....
....... Would you ( impersonal you) cage your beloved to not let him /her go ? .....would you kill/ backbite/ your boss ... and the boss of your boss ( and go on ) ... to take his job ? Would you seriously damage or being damaged both phisically and /or mentally for the sake of a new bdsm shiver ?

I wouldn't .

Everyone has to stop at a certain point and I think the secret to be, if not happy, enough well and satisfied with oneself , is to enjoy every step of the journey cause after all our ultimate aim is to grow as individuals and if I am allowed a Fromm's quote to pass from the the "to have "logic to the "to be " one .

In that way , in my opinion, if one lives in his/her present , aware of people and things which sourround one's own space, giving them room , time , care and attention, being with the fantasy, soul mind and heart in what you are doing "at the moment" , the worthy relationships dont fall in routine and dont burn out because the real enemy of a relation is the absence of one of the sides .

Maybe I went off topic, but these were my thoughts reading S_H post . b.

I referre to Babysmiles post wich i liked very much, butalso the later of Hajar and shyslave wich were too very good formulated
I like Babiesmiles post 'cause you lifted the startquestion to a more existensialistic question...as 'we' so many times has asked ourselves...

"Was this all"??

It was a very good and intersting 'survey' you did in this topic Babiesmiles.
because these things are of a wider range and contains so much more of needs and expereinces than just in bdsm itself .
Yes i agree in all you say...that we all need to stop...and rest in the result...the goals we have reached...and not always be in the squirrelwheel and a restlessrun. We need relaxingpoints..."adjustmenttimes"...or if i directranslate a swedishword...wich i dont know if any more than me understands..."standtime"...before we start on.
One thing i disagree in is the formulation that:

QUOTE:
In particular I thought about the mankind's ingrained usage to consider every goal we reach just the starting point for something else . It's a deep rooted trend and , in my opinion it leads without exceptions to unhappiness and frustration.

I dont agree in that part...that when we 'go on to something else' it "...without exceptions leads unhappiness etc"
The growthin individuals as well as mankind are based on curiosity and need to experience. That is the force that make us grow and change as individuals. The bad thing when these new things to expereince are 'things for itself and without a purpose more than ..."the more than better"' then the frustraiton enters..and the question rises when u dont see th value of what you have gained...Then it is easy to go to 'extremes' to get the kicks..
This is a common situation seen overall in our way of living..."The immidiate kicks"...wich mostly have no bigger value than ..it is the cick for the moment...anmd we run run run to find new kicks...
But handled with care ...as any person ought to do to oneself...I think ..'taking new steps make people grow.
About 'extremes'. I think too that the fantasy we people have will make most people in most situation find 'new extremes' cause there can always be a change of a former thing or behaviour.
When a person say 'You have done absolute everything...lived out all...' then i say ..."Lack of fantasy"...cause the if someone honest can tell anotherperson I have done absolutely everything then i guess death would be the next step?
As an oldie of 59...i can read in your post s_h and may other's writings on this board...a 'lifecrize"...30...40..50 year old crizes in bottom..."Was this all"??
But i would like you all to read my words when i say...
Life is far from over at neither 30 or 40....at 59 it has never been better....
and i promise you...
"Extremes" have many shapes...only your fantasy set the limit.
Take a deep breat,and as you so good say babie, rest in your experiences a while before you take next step.
So to comfort you s_h..what are your opinion...
"There are clouds in front of the sun...or are there a sun behind the clouds"

PS.Sorry for misspellings, bad grammar etc...but I am no native english speaker

 

[babiesmiles]

Your post made me think about our ( I am generalizing now for easiness of reading ) attitude to consume every , even strongly wanted , result we can get "taking it for granted " after a while .

In particular I thought about the mankind's ingrained usage to consider every goal we reach just the starting point for something else . It's a deep rooted trend and , in my opinion it leads without exceptions to unhappiness and frustration.

We usually have in mind a goal (of the most various kind, e.g. find love , find a suitable PLY/ply , obtain a result on job, buit a bridge , write a book .... ) and while all our inner self is projected towards that target, we live in the future , our mind is already there , as sport pleople say " our heart is beyond the obstacle ".

That makes we lose the " now and here " dimension of life , the taste of the route we have marked out to get there .

first notation .... quoting myself .... how sad ..lol

... but I needed to put the sentence Yogdrasil quoted in the contest of my whole thought to reply to him and maybe to clear my thoughts better .

I can be rather cryptic sometimes....

What I meant with my words was not a refusal of curiosity and will to experiment , both in everyday life and in my ( really ) starting journey in D/s experiences .

I like to try new things and I try to accept new challenges at 360° in my life .

That I pointed out and critically remarked was the senseless need , I often sence around, to go ahead running , pushed by an inertial nameless strenght , without giving oneself the treat of tasting the moment one is into, without allow oneself the right of a change of direction or an adijustment of the route.

A time of pure hedonistic pleasure to enjoy the goals one has reached , a time to think and set in our inner feelings , a time to join our mind with the external contest we are dealing with , e.g. a new lifestyle like my first steeps in D/s, a good work result , a well done artistic performance ( I dance ) , a new love in one's life ... whatever.

All the above taking time without run towards a new target in a c onsumer fever wich sweeps away feelings and needs , almost deminishing the inner value of our previous efforts and achievements.

My thought was not certainly about standing still , but enjoying deeply the time while you live it ... just living it and letting yourself live.

As I said above , and I hope Shy slave understood it I am not talking about fear of living , I am not talking about comfort zones which become cages , but just about slowing down , taking it easier , not for laziness or fear but for selfishness.

A selfishnes aimed to give things the value they deserve and not burning out them in a restless run towards a newer " shiver " a "stronger" sensation .

I like to think my life like a river which follows his course, sometimes lazy and quiet , sometimes violent with rapids following one another without a break, but becoming after a while quiet again enjoying the pleasure of the flowing in itself , slow but never still.

That not only in relationships but as general meaning of life.

But I can understand it can be a very personal point of view and I dont claim it has to be a shared feeling .

Someone needs adrenaline like food for his life . I dont .

I feel quiet and deep and my feelings last long . b

 

[Yggdrasil]

Babismiles...
A wonderful picture of you and the life...i can see you have... and you are to experience
And now i totally understand that line that i didn't understood...ty
I wish you all the best in your searching, experimententations end experiencing your '360 dgrees'

 

[babiesmiles]

Babismiles...
A wonderful picture of you and the life...i can see you have... and you are to experience
And now i totally understand that line that i didn't understood...ty
I wish you all the best in your searching, experimententations end experiencing your '360 dgrees'

Thank you

 

[shy slave]

first notation .... quoting myself .... how sad ..lol

... but I needed to put the sentence Yogdrasil quoted in the contest of my whole thought to reply to him and maybe to clear my thoughts better .

I can be rather cryptic sometimes....

What I meant with my words was not a refusal of curiosity and will to experiment , both in everyday life and in my ( really ) starting journey in D/s experiences .

I like to try new things and I try to accept new challenges at 360° in my life .

That I pointed out and critically remarked was the senseless need , I often sence around, to go ahead running , pushed by an inertial nameless strenght , without giving oneself the treat of tasting the moment one is into, without allow oneself the right of a change of direction or an adijustment of the route.

A time of pure hedonistic pleasure to enjoy the goals one has reached , a time to think and set in our inner feelings , a time to join our mind with the external contest we are dealing with , e.g. a new lifestyle like my first steeps in D/s, a good work result , a well done artistic performance ( I dance ) , a new love in one's life ... whatever.

All the above taking time without run towards a new target in a c onsumer fever wich sweeps away feelings and needs , almost deminishing the inner value of our previous efforts and achievements.

My thought was not certainly about standing still , but enjoying deeply the time while you live it ... just living it and letting yourself live.

As I said above , and I hope Shy slave understood it I am not talking about fear of living , I am not talking about comfort zones which become cages , but just about slowing down , taking it easier , not for laziness or fear but for selfishness.

A selfishnes aimed to give things the value they deserve and not burning out them in a restless run towards a newer " shiver " a "stronger" sensation .

I like to think my life like a river which follows his course, sometimes lazy and quiet , sometimes violent with rapids following one another without a break, but becoming after a while quiet again enjoying the pleasure of the flowing in itself , slow but never still.

That not only in relationships but as general meaning of life.

But I can understand it can be a very personal point of view and I dont claim it has to be a shared feeling .

Someone needs adrenaline like food for his life . I dont .

I feel quiet and deep and my feelings last long . b

It did not occur to me you had a fear of living but that you try to enjoy each aspect of your life in the moment its created.

I try to do that but its not easy.

Sometimes emotional pain is just too much to live with 'in the moment' and other times I can take a deep breathe and submerge into it for brief periods of time.

This comment reflects how I feel right now, but its not meant to reflect how I feel ALL the time.

One part of my mind is constantly living with Andante and my sons (the fourth dimension), this is not the past, present nor will it ever be the future. It is however, a part of my thinking.

When the time allows for Andante and I to live together my sons will not live with us as they already have their own destinies.

As a younger person I was ambitious and always moving to the next goal, the next conquest. It was, in part, aimed at giving my sons a good role model and a better life. I feel I have achieved all I am able to in that respect and have turned my attentions to aspects of life I have neglected.

I am more mellow (not sure Andante would agree ), I want to take my time and relax into each moment, but it is not in my nature to be that way.

I have realised I have such a limited knowledge on many things I want to discover new experiences. This time round its essential for my personal well-being that I enjoy the slow learning process.

Sex has a huge importance in my life right now, I feel more sexual now than I did 15-20 years ago. I can enjoy it for its own sake and not count the orgasms or feel disappointed because it wasn't precisely like the fantasy (that relates to living in the present not the future, often reality and fantasy are different). I admit I love and to a certain extent crave sex in all its forms but I also enjoy the anticipation of the wait. Bearing in mind Andante and I are in an LDR it would be very frustrating if I did not enjoy the anticipatory aspects of our relationship.

I very much feel I am at the beginning of a new aspect of my life, its confusing, muddled and at present, without form. However I do know that I want Andante in its future as well as the present (with or without the BDSM), his presence calms me and I feel safe whenever I hear his voice. Safe from harm and emotionally safe.

 

[babiesmiles]

It did not occur to me you had a fear of living but that you try to enjoy each aspect of your life in the moment its created.

I try to do that but its not easy.

Sometimes emotional pain is just too much to live with 'in the moment' and other times I can take a deep breathe and submerge into it for brief periods of time.

This comment reflects how I feel right now, but its not meant to reflect how I feel ALL the time.

One part of my mind is constantly living with Andante and my sons (the fourth dimension), this is not the past, present nor will it ever be the future. It is however, a part of my thinking.

When the time allows for Andante and I to live together my sons will not live with us as they already have their own destinies.

As a younger person I was ambitious and always moving to the next goal, the next conquest. It was, in part, aimed at giving my sons a good role model and a better life. I feel I have achieved all I am able to in that respect and have turned my attentions to aspects of life I have neglected.

I am more mellow (not sure Andante would agree ), I want to take my time and relax into each moment, but it is not in my nature to be that way.

I have realised I have such a limited knowledge on many things I want to discover new experiences. This time round its essential for my personal well-being that I enjoy the slow learning process.

Sex has a huge importance in my life right now, I feel more sexual now than I did 15-20 years ago. I can enjoy it for its own sake and not count the orgasms or feel disappointed because it wasn't precisely like the fantasy (that relates to living in the present not the future, often reality and fantasy are different). I admit I love and to a certain extent crave sex in all its forms but I also enjoy the anticipation of the wait. Bearing in mind Andante and I are in an LDR it would be very frustrating if I did not enjoy the anticipatory aspects of our relationship.

I very much feel I am at the beginning of a new aspect of my life, its confusing, muddled and at present, without form. However I do know that I want Andante in its future as well as the present (with or without the BDSM), his presence calms me and I feel safe whenever I hear his voice. Safe from harm and emotionally safe.

Shy Slave thank you for your reply both this post and the previous one , I always appreciate your point of view about things

I know it is not easy to live into present specially if you are in a LDR cause the anticipation is such a big part of it . I know the feeling very well .

Everyone of us has a story behind to make accounts with and at same time dreams and plans for the future , and reading again my posts I recognize there are points which can seem a bit like absolute statements. But my intention was just to say what I think is the best for my personal balance.

So maybe my above assumptions were a bit too simplistics , if they considered in a general contest as they were and are very, very personal and the meditated outcome of previous personal experiences.

I have an hectic and competitive professional life , a personal situation which to define complex is quite an euphemism, a background of anxiety disorders mainly related with " time management" problems that I think I have gone over , but who knows if and when they could pop out again . ( I think I have written of that somewhere in a thread months ago ).

So the "slow down fact" has been a deliberate choice I have made to take care of myself, a treat which after a very difficult time I decided to give to me.

I have become very selective in everything I do, and with people as well, and the result is that I have cut off without mercy lot of ( from my acquired new perspective) useless "time eaters" things and people , introducing in my days other ones that can seem less useful than the previous I eliminated, less glamourous and impressive.

I've been criticized for that by various close people , I have been called lazy and without spine for not riding my ambitions till the ultimate goal ( but I wonder does exist an ultimate goal when you are just runnig and running ?)

I know I am losing something in terms of a certain kind (sic !) of personal growth indulging in a more introspective style of life.

I am getting interested in my inner needs as I have never done before and the discover of my inner sexual nature with the consequential interest in bdsm related things is a fruit of that change .

But I do it at my way taking it really slow , and must say I am very lucky because my closest friend which I have the privilege to define my master has a great respect for my "timing" encouraging me towards new " steps" but never pushing me unless ..... its strictly necessary ....lol

Shy Slave , I too feel my sexual life more satisfying now than when I was younger , but for me it would have never happened if I had not taken the time to think about my needs , being finally able to give them a name ( I hope! )

I still have to run hard for some aspect of my life mainly professional , but as I love my job I don't complain about it . I have just stopped to feel the need to put an higher target to myself as soon as I reached the previous in a continue competition against myself and others.

I still have ambitions both in work and in personal growth but I want try to reach them at my way , using other tools other inner resources . I am still extremely curious and very willing to experiment in various fields, as I dont think I have become less daring or strong . But I want do it with my times .

Maybe I won't get where I want arrive, but in my "vision " I am more aware everyday I am enjoying the journey like never before, and in my opinion this one I am doing is a journey where the destination is not so important like the road you walk to get there.

Now I too know how is feeling safe and sure in another person's complete undersanding , and as it is something so hard and precious to find , for that reason highly worthy to every effort to make it work at the best.

Best best wishes to you and Andante for everything you want in life (hugs) b

 

[shy slave]

So the "slow down fact" has been a deliberate choice I have made to take care of myself, a treat which after a very difficult time I decided to give to me.

I have become very selective in everything I do, and with people as well, and the result is that I have cut off without mercy lot of ( from my acquired new perspective) useless "time eaters" things and people , introducing in my days other ones that can seem less useful than the previous I eliminated, less glamourous and impressive.

I've been criticized for that by various close people , I have been called lazy and without spine for not riding my ambitions till the ultimate goal ( but I wonder does exist an ultimate goal when you are just runnig and running ?)

I know I am losing something in terms of a certain kind (sic !) of personal growth indulging in a more introspective style of life.

I am getting interested in my inner needs as I have never done before and the discover of my inner sexual nature with the consequential interest in bdsm related things is a fruit of that change .

But I do it at my way taking it really slow , and must say I am very lucky because my closest friend which I have the privilege to define my master has a great respect for my "timing" encouraging me towards new " steps" but never pushing me unless ..... its strictly necessary ....lol

Shy Slave , I too feel my sexual life more satisfying now than when I was younger , but for me it would have never happened if I had not taken the time to think about my needs , being finally able to give them a name ( I hope! )


I still have ambitions both in work and in personal growth but I want try to reach them at my way , using other tools other inner resources . I am still extremely curious and very willing to experiment in various fields, as I dont think I have become less daring or strong . But I want do it with my times .

Maybe I won't get where I want arrive, but in my "vision " I am more aware everyday I am enjoying the journey like never before, and in my opinion this one I am doing is a journey where the destination is not so important like the road you walk to get there.

Now I too know how is feeling safe and sure in another person's complete undersanding , and as it is something so hard and precious to find , for that reason highly worthy to every effort to make it work at the best.

Best best wishes to you and Andante for everything you want in life (hugs) b

Thanks Babies,

I have picked oout some aspects of your post.

I have been looked at in a strange manner by people who know me well when I have said I am no longer interested in ambition at work.
Increasingly over the past two years it has held less and less appeal resulting in almost apathy to my current situation at work.

Its hard work slowing down if your the type of person to always be striving for the next goal, in an odd way it takes more effort to switch off and balance discovering new things with not doing anything.

I no longer believe there is an ultimate goal, if you climbed Everest you would only look to another challenge. There are times when enjoying the process is more interesting and feeds my soul in a way that constantly looking to exams and promotion to give me a sense of self, never did.

During the past six weeks I have been re-evaluating everything and realised that I may know alot about one subject but very little about almost everything else. I no longer want to be that person.

Curiosity is something we have in common, because of that I am sure we will never slow down to the level we imagine we should, could or have.

After all look where we have taken this thread lol
Not exactly hijacked more a slight detour from the original question.

Helene thanks for your patience with us both, and thank you for allowing your question to spark such conversation

 

[babiesmiles]

Yes thanks Shy and Helene for not whacking us ..lol

 

[DVS]

Inspired by Andreina's thread. (And, ok, maybe AA's sigline.)

I have been into the idea of a d/s and maybe a bdsm relationship for several years now, to the point that nearly all of my erotica and fantasies incoorporate at least one of those aspects.

Being one who bores easily, I can't help but wonder if such a relationship will lose it's appeal as I grow closer to my future mate. I worry that once I hit that 'comfort zone,' I just won't be able to see him in the same 'dominant' light as when we first met, and the idea of engaging in a BDSM encounter will seem more like a chore than an erotic adventure.

Anyone else ever consider the possibility of falling in love and the effects it may have on their arousal factor?

Does it concern you that you may hit a point where it's no longer a case of keeping you on your toes so much as a dreaded routine?

I mean, everyone has limits, so surely there has to be a point when you have exhausted all the perverse fantasies that have long lived inside both of your heads?

What's left once you have done absolutely everything?

Do you just delve into the realms of the extreme? If so, where does it end, and how do you still possess the common sense to not take it too far when acting out of desperation to preserve the physical stimulation?... And then what?

How do you people keep the dynamic fresh?

I guess there could be some who aren't that kinky and might get bored soon, but I'm pretty kinky and with more kinks, there's less chance of getting bored.

And, I have a creative mind that slants to the devious side of the scale, so there's always something going on in my head. I've always got something in mind, when I see a bound woman, a naked ass, or a gagged mouth, etc. It kind of comes natural to me, in a way. So, I'm naturally kinky? At least I know there's never a dull moment. I keep my subs busy.

 

[foxinsox]

Everyone's experiences vary, but I was very much in love with my ex D and the more deeply I loved him, the more submissive I felt. For me, boredom was never a factor and had we stayed together, I doubt very much whether it would ever have been.

Through my own conscious decision making process, I will most likely not have another committed D/s relationship again, though I do expect to incorporate kink aspects into a mostly vanilla relationship, when it happens.

I do worry about the possibility of boredom in a vanilla r/s -- but because I'm aware of it, I can at least take steps to mitigate it.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Most appreciative of the thoughtful responses so far! I fully intend to reply to many, if not all--just as soon as I finally figure out how to do that multiple quote thingie.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Most appreciative of the thoughtful responses so far! I fully intend to reply to many, if not all--just as soon as I finally figure out how to do that multiple quote thingie.

Left bracket, QUOTE=quotee, right bracket, body of quoted text, left bracket, backslash, QUOTE, rigth bracket, rinse wash repeat.