Beware: Actual Personal Ad!

[Malachi]

*Ladies, cry your eyes out, because I'm no longer looking.*
Somehow I don't feel like deleting this thread, though. It is too personal and has too much sentimental value.



I know this is insane, but I got this totally off-the-wall idea. I'm going to use the Literotica Personals in order to try to meet someone! Stop laughing, I'm serious.

Furthermore, (try to follow me here) this is going to be an *ad*, and it might be somewhat *personal*. This goes against all my experience and every piece of advice that anyone has tried to give me, but as my friend Brian always says, "Seals never learn." Yes, I know that's kind of a nonsequitur, but I thought it would be funny.

Now here's where it gets *extremely* kinky....
You see, I'm just ONE single guy looking for ONE single person of the OPPOSITE gender! But it's worse than that....
You see, I don't (necessarily) want EITHER ONE of us to be whipped, beaten, dominated OR humiliated! In fact, I was kind of hoping we would generally treat each other well.

My name is James. I'm 30 years old and I live in 'Fabulous' Las Vegas. The things I most like to do these days are writing, singing, talking to friends, playing racket sports and thinking. Up until now I've been a profession poker player and card counter. I'll soon be starting a job as a stock trader, but don't expect me to be rich for quite a while. I've led an interesting life so far. I've been adored, outcast and popular. I've been a nerd, a jock, a stud and a nice, harmless guy. I was the national high school chess champion in 1988. I was part of a group that won a gold medal in an open international a capella singing competition two years in a row. I've been a taxi driver and a roadie for a wedding band. I was homeless in Boston for three months. I went to school at MIT and SUNY Stony Brook, though I didn't graduate. I've been in love six times.

I am somewhat lacking in 'mystery' and 'danger,' but if we went out sometime I promise you we would have a fun time.

If we were in a relationship you would sometimes be forced to listen to me sing to you on my guitar. You would also have to suffer through receiving numerous footrubs and backrubs. I would selfishly make you tell me all about your life, hopes, fears and dreams, and (with callous disregard) expect you to lean on me for emotional support when necessary. You would at some point come to the very difficult and disillusioning realization that you were with someone who was wholly and completely on your side.

And as well as I will know you is as much as I will want to know your mouth, in all its warm, wet detail. I would very much like to know exactly whose ear my tongue will be in, whose eyelids will feel so light and warm, whose teeth and gums my tongue will run along, whose neck will feel so smooth and hot.

If you'd like to know more about me, please check out my story here on lit, which should be found easily with this link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=18524

It's called 'If I Could' and can be found in the Romance section. I realize it's not exactly a 'Romance', but I originally asked to have it put there because *I* thought it was extremely romantic.

Also, check out my author profile; it says a lot about me and has a picture.

If you respond, please be prepared to talk about yourself. No photo or statistics are sufficient to convince me that you are an open and sincere person.

Wow, that was LONG! If you somehow made it all the way through I hope that you at least started to undertand that I am an open and intelligent man. Well gosh, (some of you could be thinking) if I'm so great, why am I single and looking on the friggin' internet? Ask me and I'll tell you.

James

 

[Malachi]

Thanks, people

I want to thank the people who have responded to me to show their support and to indicate that they 'Would have been interested' had they not been so young, old, distant, attached, etc. I'm pretty confident these days but a little validation never hurt anyone.

And of course, I needed to bump my ad up to get more views.

-James

 

[Malachi]

Me again.

Actually, I'm here this time to ask people to go and read my story and to RATE it. I have only eight votes so far and I just need two more to be eligible for the 'Top List,' which would be pretty cool. I'm not trying to solicit high votes, I'm just trying to solicit votes.

The link is in my original ad....
Just scroll up, silly.

-James

 

[Zidane]

just a quick question before I post my ad up 'again', how many responses did you get and what types of criticisms did they offer? Because it seems, from your second post, they didn't want to go out with you for some certain feature or aspect of you or what you wrote. It seems you almost have to lie to get any good responses. Frankly, I think that's not quite fair for those who want to keep their morals and their honesty.

 

[emma:o)]

hi james, i just want you to know that you sound like a wonderful person... im always a little wiery about someone that sounds so great but im never one to run without trying.. you seem like a great guy.. im gonna read your story and maybe send an email.. good luck and maybe i will hear from you soon.

 

[SexyChele]

just a quick question before I post my ad up 'again', how many responses did you get and what types of criticisms did they offer? Because it seems, from your second post, they didn't want to go out with you for some certain feature or aspect of you or what you wrote. It seems you almost have to lie to get any good responses. Frankly, I think that's not quite fair for those who want to keep their morals and their honesty.

Well, obviously I can't speak for Malachi, but his ad certainly caught my eye. I'm a little too old for him, but what made me go back and re-read (and think of ladies who might be interested) was his ability to write well, be articulate. My god, he can actually SPELL!! AND he doesn't use "b4" for "before", or other cyber "short-cuts"!

But, tongue in cheek aside, Malachi is very clear about who he is, and what he is looking for. It's not a "come on, baby, let's get it on", and yet it's not a "let's be friends and hang out" ad either.

It's open, it's honest, it seems to come from the heart - and head! (the, uh, big one not the little one!) It is well put together, and even has a little humor to it.

But, Zidane, what I think it really is, is that Malachi allows himself to come through. That's what is important - let ladies know who the "real" you is. And don't get discouraged if the right lady doesn't see it the first, second, or third time out. You never know who is looking at your ad, and then keeping her eyes open for some one who just might "fit"!

Malachi....sorry to "highjack" your thread. Hope you don't mind!

 

[emma:o)]

that is totally right sexychele.. i couldnt have said it better.. he definately caught my eye and you were right on as to why.. wish me luck!

 

[Zidane]

well I've letten quite a few girls know who I really am, with disasterous results. -_- Just read my other posts for more info, I'm not going to repeat it here.

 

[MizTabby]

Personally speaking...

Malachi's ad is what ads should be about, being up front and honest about who you are and what you want. I fall in the "too old for you" category, but you sound like the sort of man the ladies talk about wanting to "get to know", but, at the same time, emma makes a valid point, that too good to be true thought that lurks at the back of the mind at times, can make people hesitate, even have doubts, and not get in touch, no offense meant to Malachi here.
Hopefully he's genuine and sincere and he'll become acquainted with someone as good as he sounds

SexyChele, you summed it up very appropriately, and I quite agree with your thoughts on the matter.

 

[quilesed]

This is the first time i have actually seen a real personal here in litpersonals.

 

[Malachi]

It's me again.

I would like to end the speculation about my legitimacy. I am going to share with you (anonymously) an exchange I had with someone on this site. I haven't heard from her again (yet):

Her:
> Hya there James,
> I must know are you for real?? You seem like a very
> nice fella.......and by the way I am [name]........just
> thought I would write and say hello and see if you
> were for real like I asked hahahaha
> have a great day

Me:
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you and I don't really have any good reason, though I noticed you were all the way in [random state], (I think). Plus, I couldn't think of any good way to convince you I was real besides what I'd already written, if you know what I mean. Anyways, here goes: I'm real. Are you convinced yet?
Okay, I'll be even more straighforward, as is my nature. I am flattered by your interest. I am even more flattered by your implication (I'm assuming) that I could somehow be 'too good to be true,' such that you'd have to be asking me whether I was real.
On the other hand I really didn't like the implication that I should have to further explain myself after all I'd already revealed, and to someone who hasn't told me anything at all about themselves. However, I did eventually realize that you could very well be an open, wonderful woman who simply couldn't think of a good opening line.
So there you go. I am what I said, and more, and less. Although it's all true, there were many ways I could have chosen to honestly present myself. For instance, I could have said that I was a poor, short, lonely, horny guy. That is completely true as far as it goes, though I don't think it conveys very well my general attitude, what I'm actually looking for, or what I have to offer. Still interested? Am I sounding more credible?

-James
-----------------------------

I am five feet and five and a quarter inches tall, weighing 150 lbs. In spite of all my talk of honesty I have been unable to bring myself to relate my height, to someone I was interested in, as under five and a half feet tall. I have ambitions and a future, but right now I don't even have a car. I gave it to my ex-girlfriend because she needed it more than I did and I still love her in spite of everything that happend, and the fact that we don't belong together.

Would you like more honesty? I have low blood sugar and need to eat every two hours or I become somewhat inarticulate and moody. I am lactose intolerant. I am color blind. I got a 780 on the math SAT when I was twelve years old. I have diagnosed myself with seasonal depression, though it's well under control. My I.Q. is between 160 and 170. The last time I hurt someone intentionally was when I was 13 years old and kicked my sister in the shin as hard as I could. I am an atheist and although I try to be openminded I can't help but feel sometimes like religious people are fooling themselves. At great and painful personal cost, I would *personally* kill all rapists if it could prevent what they did. I cried more last month than in all the rest of my life. I rejected one of the very best women I've ever known because I didn't find her attractive.

I am one of the strongest motherfuckers that ever lived because I have completely maintained my ideals (modified but fundamentally unchanged), the ones I formed when I was fourteen years old (and still believe in), throughout my entire bizarre and sometimes fucked-up life. I cry but I don't feel pain. I feel pain but I don't get hurt. I get hurt but I don't get damaged. I get damaged but I cry and I heal so very quickly, stronger but not harder, softer but not weaker.

Frankly, I don't want to hear word *ONE* from anyone who can't figure out that I'm for real by now. I sympathize with those of you that have been hurt in the past, but you have to continue to trust yourselves, even if you find it hard to trust others.

Unfortunately I have had to discourage a few sincere people who have responded, for one reason or another. All I can say is that I don't find it easy to do, but it is better to be straightforward from the start than to give false hope and risk that someone get signifigantly hurt. Also, relationships aren't about one person being 'good enough' for another, it's about trust, compatibility, and common goals.

One thing that I have not yet discussed is what I am looking for in a woman. In order: Honest, Intelligent, Attractive, Active, Open, Confident. Hmm... Though I tried to put those in order they are all pretty critical. I should perhaps add local as a factor. I have long term goals in relationships, but I also have shorter term goals, and I am willing to accept that a lack of commitment or potential doesn't automatically indicate a lack of emotion or meaning.

All this discussion that is going on is interesting, as well as flattering in some ways. Good luck to you all.

-James

 

[MizTabby]

Malachi

It's all good James, and my apologies if I implied you were NOT true, wasn't my intention.

All you've said here ought to make any lady who constantly talks about honesty, openess and sincerity, be even willing to relocate.
I don't think there's a whole lot more you can say, and I'm hoping your talented fingers will be answering a lot of mail.
All the best to you

 

[Ebonyfire]

Your Personal Ad

Wow! If I had read something like this 20 years ago, I would have jumped on it. Some young lady is in for a treat! Good luck to you!

I think it is a wonderful ad!

 

[Malachi]

MizTabby

MizTabby,
I'm sorry I apparently reacted so defensively to your post on my personal ad thread. Actually, you said many nice things about me and my ad that I appreciate. I was pretty upset when I wrote my 'reply,' but it was almost entirely for other reasons than the minor skepticism you may have expressed. In fact, I was not mainly intending my post to be a reply to yours. I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to apologize, because you totally didn't do anything wrong.

-James

 

[MizTabby]

those few good men

must still be around and it looks like you're one, James

I wasn't upset or disturbed by your response, although I was concerned that my comments might have been considered cynical.
So, let's be thankful that there are indeed some genuine people on here/out there, and my best to you!

 

[Malachi]

What's up with me?

Maybe I should just get it over with and turn this personal into a journal.

I've already gotten to know well a wonderful person through this ad, but alas, it is apparently not meant to be, so I am still single and still looking.

This may be clear even though I haven't said so explicitly, but just to make sure:

I'm looking for the big one, the one that never ends. Although I have been enriched by my relationships, I'm tired of ending up apart from people I love, and I'd rather not have that happen again. It's difficult and it's lonely. I'm not saying I want to jump immediately into a serious relationship, but I do want to start something that has a bright future.

I am sure that I eventually want to have children. Also, when it comes down to it I am not willing to brainwash them by indoctrinating them into a rigid system of beliefs. After all, who are we to decide ahead of time what spiritual beliefs our children are going to hold? That defeats the entire purpose of religion and mocks the whole notion of having 'beliefs.'

Well, I suppose that's enough of that. By now I'll wager I've managed to say at least one thing to scare off each and every woman on the planet.

But hey, you've got to keep hoping. Besides, I only need one.

Keep in mind that although I've talked a lot about who I am and what I want, I'm totally *not* looking for some kind of female clone of myself. There are actually very few things I'm inflexible about, and I generally enjoy differences as much as I enjoy similarities.

-James

My love to Yaya

 

[Malachi]

Pic of Me

Trying to attach a pic:

 

[Guest]

my compliments for the honesty and the style you're using. It's unique.

 

[missbehavin_badly]

Wish you had a clone in Ohio Malachi

 

[Korelon]

Now why is it that when I post the same such things about myself over the past 5 years of being on this world we call the world wide web, I find that when I speak the truth about myself my needs and my desires I get no responses at all? I cant stand those ads or replies on here to females you know the ones I speak of, those quick one liners of "I just need to get laid, any ladies wanna chat" it infyruates! me to no end. It makes me almost ashamed to be called a man when I seee such things, Bah. Furthermore I have found that my age (I am 23) seems to concern alot of older women, which is what I seek for the younger women just hve no clue whatsoever that life is not meant to be a game of sorts and that people do have feelings. I have been hurt time and time again when I open myself up to anyone, what is it I am doing wrong???????

 

[Malachi]

Concerning Korelon

I can strongly relate to everything that Korelon is saying. I have tried to put up open and sincere ads on Nicecatch, Matchmaker, and Matchdesk, and have over the last four months gotten a grand total of... Zero responses. That's right, the number zero. One *less* than one. Before that I got two responses on a Yahoo ad from women who couldn't write or spell, said nothing about themselves whatsoever, and asked me whether I was interested. Interested in *what*? They didn't even send a photo.

Has this discouraged me? Absolutely. It recently caused me to write on a little scrap of paper that lies around my apartment:

"I would sooner believe that there is something wrong with every person in the entire world than to believe there is something wrong with me for who I am and for what I want."

Is that a desperate and trite self-affirmation? I honestly don't care. The minute I wrote it down, the idea settled, with a physical sensation, into my mind and body, and I knew it for the absolute personal truth that it was.

As for this personal, I think it's *by far* the best I've written to date, and I'm sure the link to my story helps in many cases. Still, although I have gotten a tremendous amount of encouragement, I have gotten an extremely small number of people that seemed to be showing real interest, and Zero (there's that number again) within approximately one *thousand* miles of me. I just now got a beautiful response from a 35 year old woman in Alabama, the most open and honest one I have yet received. With that honesty comes already the knowledge that it probably wouldn't work. But isn't that the best reason to be upfront? So that everyone knows what's going on and can make good decisions for themselves?

-James

 

[Malachi]

The Latest News

This just in: James is no longer looking.

Time to let the thread get buried, at least the part that concerns me trying to find someone. It's been interesting and fun. Thanks to everyone who showed their support in one way or another. Naturally I would still be happy to hear from interesting people.

So now I'm in love for the seventh time, and she is everything a man could want- honest, intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, trusting, independent, hilarious, and best of all, crazy about me.

How suddenly do fortunes change in matters of romance.

-James

I love you, YRR.

 

[H&H Girl]

Hot for you too

Dearest James,
You are da bomb. So, hey, I ain't in Sin City, nor anywhere nearby, but you know where I am nonetheless - at last.
Love ya,
YRR

 

[Guest]

your found a girl? That's terrific! Maybe you two lovebirds could show a (normal) photos of you two together.

 

[Malachi]

Skeptics Abound!

your found a girl? That's terrific! Maybe you two lovebirds could show a (normal) photos of you two together.

What, you don't believe me?

When you say 'normal,' does that mean that we should have our clothes on?

Sorry- had to take down this photo...