Best Poem Ever?

[PrincessKatie]

To quickly quote Glados from Portal 2: "It's been a LONG time!"

I've not stepped into this place since 2004, yet poetry has been a long time interest of mine so I opened up the boards/feedback to all my submitted works both erotic and non-erotic. (all my initial works had feedback closed off as I did not want my old email getting totally spammed to death)

Anyway I need to bring my greatest work to attention, my holy grail if you like, for I need to know just how good this poem is, did I create something for the ages or was there room for improvement.

Link - http://www.literotica.com/p/immortal-ascension

Check out my other works as well, I recently started some experimentation and am eager to see whether I still have talent or not.

Open honest answers please! ^_^

 

[bronzeage]

To quickly quote Glados from Portal 2: "It's been a LONG time!"

I've not stepped into this place since 2004, yet poetry has been a long time interest of mine so I opened up the boards/feedback to all my submitted works both erotic and non-erotic. (all my initial works had feedback closed off as I did not want my old email getting totally spammed to death)

Anyway I need to bring my greatest work to attention, my holy grail if you like, for I need to know just how good this poem is, did I create something for the ages or was there room for improvement.

Link - http://www.literotica.com/p/immortal-ascension

Check out my other works as well, I recently started some experimentation and am eager to see whether I still have talent or not.

Open honest answers please! ^_^

It seems to be homecoming night.

Any time a poem is shown to a fellow poet, with the question, "is there room for improvement?" there will always be suggestions, but not necessarily improvements. I spent a few minutes browsing your other submissions and rate this piece below several of them. The diction is stilted. It is awkward and the lack of punctuation makes it a difficult read.

If you introduce a vision in the first lines, please tell us what you saw. The reader is left with"

"Into the wind it called my name
Nothing may ever be the same"

This is as middle grounded a curse or blessing as I have ever heard. A vision with access to the future visits and the best you get is a "maybe".

The reader is left to decipher that a true love or soul mate is promised.

If you are going to use the cliche:

"That all our souls would be as one", it's best to be consistant.

The last two lines are confusing:

"Our fates are now sealed, our paths are now set
Now the tale of one can be laid to rest"

Is the "one" in this line the joined pair, or the past one half?

"our paths are now set" points to the future, while "laid to rest" is an ending and in the past.

 

[Louise_Loves]

Free advice is worth what it costs, I've been told - and I have no paycheck. So take it none too harshly.

1) The first two stanzas have no punctuation at all. The second two have only one comma each. While it is perfectly acceptable to ignore all punctuation rules in poetry, this particular poem leaves me wondering: Was the punctuation in the first two removed for some reason, or left out for no reason at all? And why not more punctuation in the last two, or were the commas accidental?

2) Likewise, the rhyme scheme is skewed. Specifically, the second stanza, first two lines don't rhyme. They are the only two that don't have some sort of rhyme.

3) The first stanza's subject isn't onstant - you see a vision and it calls your name. One is visual, the other is auditory. That's fine, if you are trying to surround your reader with imagery. However, they seem separate events to me without anything connecting them.

4) This line: "A greater tale than one of woe" bothers me. "Greater" implies "bigger" to me. "Brighter" is what I think you mean. Or maybe you just want me to think, I don't know.

Anyway, I think it has some promise. There is talent, but I think your skills are just a bit rusty.