Best Course of Action? kind of a long post, please read if you have the time

[RhythmNBlues]

Hello all, I'm new to the board here and i have quite
a complex problem on my hands. I met this wonderful
girl through a friend, who mentioned that L wanted to
join our group of pen and paper game players, that is
dungeons and dragons. I was intriged by this, a girl
that plays DND, i've got to meet her! We went to
breakfast together with her and alot of her coworkers,
i found her to be funny, charming, beautiful,
basically i was attracted to her lol So i ask her to
dinner, she says yes, we go out, find that we have
alot in common. I tried to call her a few times
afterwards, but we lost touch. A few months later, i
find out that the girlfriend of one of my roommates is
L's cousin. I thought this was pretty special...i also
thought it was special that she informed me that L was
sorry she lost touch with me and would it be ok to
call me. i say yes of course....and we go out some
more...we went out to dinner with L's cousin and her
boyfriend too...pretty much was a double date. She
started to give me hugs after the night was over...
For valentines day, i got her some flowers, a card, a
candle, and she got me a stuffed animal with a heart
shaped nose. After that night was over, i asked her
for a kiss and she said yes, so at the end of the
night afterwards, i would give her a kiss. L and her
cousin get a place together and i was kind of hoping
to help her move her stuff, but i was kind of hurt that
she didnt ask, and that she had her own team of people
to do it. However, the girls invited the two of us to
help with odds and ends the place still needed. I
thought L was a very shy girl and i thought i was
breaking through that defense, becasue she would grab
my hand when the two of us were over helping, and
hugging me....basically being affectionate. I had the
impression that we where a couple, and i was starting
to really fall in love with her. After about a week, i
told her i had something important to tell her, i took
her hands, looked into her eyes and told her i thought
i was falling in love with her....she jumped from the
chair, pulled her hands away and told me that it
really wouldnt be a good idea becasue of her emtional
baggage and a nightmarish realtionship she had, that i
should find someone else, that she was sorry for
leading me on, and she probably wouldnt be able to be
with anyone again. I got the impression that in this
prevous realtionship, she was horribly abused. I was
shocked, floored, knocked to the ground, just
flabbergasted.....but she said she also wants to be
friends. I guess right now i dont know what to
do....is there any hope for a realationship with this
wonderful girl? I've havent been so confused about
anything for a long time. We play in a DND group
together now, and i can tell that the wall is up....i
am confused by her prievious behavior....i think i
triggered something....i just dont know if i can ever
have that closeness we shared before, and there wasnt
even any sexual contact. For myself as well....i'm
scared of getting close to her too, becasue i'm afriad
of being hurt again. Can anyone offer and thoughts or
advice or help?

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit. RnB

I'm sorry for the strife you're having and hope some of my words might help. I know the kinds of feelings L is having/had. I have reacted the same in the past. It is difficult on both of you but it can work.

My first reaction to L's jumping up from the table was like a punch in the gut. I've had some difficult obstacles to overcome and frankly it took me a long time just to get to the point of sitting at that table. Once I did, I ran - fast. My head would be screaming at him 'don't love me, I'm impossible'. Being loved is scary to me still.

I'd suggest L explore therapy. It can help her move beyond the abuse, she can learn how those experiences effect her life now. By understanding ourselves we become more aware and mindful of our actions, feelings and growth.

I didn't have feelings - well, the feelings I did have were not conducive to a full healthy life. By learning I was able to begin to learn feelings - just naming them is difficult. Feeling them is even more difficult but it is life affirming too! Life is amazing when you have feelings - well feelings other then fear, terror, and basic survival.

Perhaps you and L can recover some of what you had, start slowly, ask her for a walk, get an ice cream - just chat and interact. It sounds like she trusts you on some level, trust is a huge issue and many times I would give my trust to someone that wasn't worthy, I think L has someone she can trust in you. Your words are so sincere - work with that sincerity, let her know you are caring etc.

By continually adding to the 'he is ok' pile, she will probably begin to become more at ease. If possible you might want to talk about her past, let her guide that, but also you might want to mention therapy.... or ask if she ever considered it. Treat it gingerly - it sure sounds like you are gentle and you've been a real friend to her. Keep trying RnB, keep trying - if she can let that wall down, you and she will find an incredible woman.

 

[silverwhisper]

R&B, welcome! i'm still kind of a newbie here myself.

OK, a few things here, one gamer to another:

1. yes, she has baggage. everyone does. she's a classic low self-esteem woman who doesn't want to "inflict" her problems on you. you got close, she realized she let you in close where she didn't want anybody to be for fear of getting hurt again. as cathleen said, she probably might benefit from a bit of therapy. know this: cathleen is wise. :>

2. how do you handle this in-session: react only to the character, not the player. it's going to make your life and the lives of the rest of the guys around your gaming table a lot easier. i say this b/c what you want to avoid is making her fell put-upon to respond [x] way, so by staying w/ the PCs' reactions, you should be able to avoid that.

3. just as cathleen suggested, just be you otherwise. be the nice guy that you are. i've been where you are. it sucks, but the only thing that will get her to take those walls down is her understanding that you're OK and it's safe to let you back in.

4. just as in gaming or acting, nothing ventured, nothing gained. sure, you can get hurt. is it gonna damage your psyche severely or anything? no, it won't. but look at it this way: you have a chance at something that, reading between the lines of your post, you think is pretty darned good. why in the world, as a gamer, would you not take that chance? :>

ed

 

[Cathleen]

I have decided that I do not have 'baggage' (as you say, we all have something). I now refer to it as luggage - it is just nicer to me, brings to mind a journey and can be decorative too.

edit: Ed, thanks for that nice compliment, however I just know me very well.... sometimes it is 'been there, done that, etc... I could sell t-shirts. Thank you kindly.

 

[silverwhisper]

cathleen: hey, i just call 'em like i see 'em. but you're welcome. :>

ed

 

[rhev]

I could be reading it wrong, and hell, I probably am. I'm not you, so I don't know the way she reacts, only what youve told us. But the thing is to me Im getting the slight feeling shes just not that into you, but still likes you.

My advice would be to back off, master your emotions to the best of your abilities, and het her make the moves. You already told her how you felt, and if she can overcome whatever issues she is dealing with, and your available, things may happen in the future.

 

[RhythmNBlues]

TY all for the advice you have given me so far. I admit that i am very conflicted about how she really feels about me. When i talked to her cousin she even said i scared the crap out of her. I dont know if it was, omg i'm trying to keep this guy away from me kind of scared, or if it was, what am i doing holding hands with this guy, i'm just gonna get hurt again. Part of me is saying...listen to what she told you...and move on..she is an honest person....the other part of me is saying....a floppy dog with a heart nose on valentines day....thats sounds like a symbol of love to me, stick with it.

 

[bisexplicit]

Okay, no one else mentioned the fact that he said he loved her (or was falling in love with her) after a short time.
I have friends who were never abused, never had bad relationships, and are currently in long relationships who are afraid of doing the whole "I love you" thing. It really could be a lot about that.
I would certainly be weirded out, or suspicious, if some guy who I hadn't really even dated said that they loved me.
It seriously could be nothing more than that.

 

[RhythmNBlues]

I suppose maybe it was too soon, although we had known each other for a year. I guess i did jump the gun, but i couldnt see how telling someone i thought i was in love with them could be bad, casue i thought she felt the same way, and was just a scared to say it.

 

[SummerMorning]

I suppose maybe it was too soon, although we had known each other for a year. I guess i did jump the gun, but i couldnt see how telling someone i thought i was in love with them could be bad, casue i thought she felt the same way, and was just a scared to say it.

One year is not too soon.

 

[Ezzy]

Hello all, I'm new to the board here and I have quite a complex problem on my hands.

I met this wonderful girl through a friend, who mentioned that L wanted to join our group of pen and paper game players, that is dungeons and dragons. I was intrigued by this, a girl that plays DND; I’ve got to meet her!

We went to breakfast together with her and a lot of her coworkers, I found her to be funny, charming, beautiful, basically I was attracted to her lol.

So I ask her to dinner, she says yes, we go out, find that we have a lot in common. I tried to call her a few times afterwards, but we lost touch. A few months later, I find out that the girlfriend of one of my roommates is L's cousin. I thought this was pretty special...I also thought it was special that she informed me that L was sorry she lost touch with me and would it be ok to call me.

I say yes of course.... and we go out some more...we went out to dinner with L's cousin and her boyfriend too...pretty much was a double date. She started to give me hugs after the night was over...

For Valentines Day, I got her some flowers; a card, a candle, and she got me a stuffed animal with a heart shaped nose. After that night was over, I asked her for a kiss and she said yes, so at the end of the night afterwards, I would give her a kiss.

L and her cousin get a place together and I was kind of hoping to help her move her stuff, but I was kind of hurt that she didn’t ask, and that she had her own team of people to do it. However, the girls invited the two of us to help with odds and ends the place still needed.

I thought L was a very shy girl and I thought I was breaking through that defense, because she would grab my hand when the two of us were over helping, and hugging me.... basically being affectionate. I had the impression that we where a couple, and I was starting to really fall in love with her.

After about a week, I told her I had something important to tell her, I took her hands, looked into her eyes and told her I thought I was falling in love with her.... she jumped from the chair, pulled her hands away and told me that it really wouldn’t be a good idea because of her emotional baggage and a nightmarish relationship she had, that I
should find someone else, that she was sorry for leading me on, and she probably wouldn’t be able to be with anyone again.

I got the impression that in this previous relationship, she was horribly abused. I was
shocked, floored, knocked to the ground, just flabbergasted...but she said she also wants to be friends. I guess right now I don’t know what to do.... is there any hope for a relationship with this wonderful girl?

I've haven’t been so confused about anything for a long time. We play in a DND group
together now, and I can tell that the wall is up.... I am confused by her previous behavior.... I think I triggered something.... I just don’t know if I can ever have that closeness we shared before, and there wasn’t even any sexual contact.

For myself as well.... I’m scared of getting close to her too, because I’m afraid of being hurt again. Can anyone offer and thoughts or advice or help?

Stay friends, let her see "Mr Nice guy" in all his glory, and as other have said learn whatever she will tell you about her past.

Don't try and pressurize her, just be a friend, let any other relationship develop over time, don't try and rush things.

I have decided that I do not have 'baggage' (as you say, we all have something). I now refer to it as luggage - it is just nicer to me, brings to mind a journey and can be decorative too.

My S/O says she has a full matched set.

 

[RhythmNBlues]

Again all, ty for the advice, i have to admit i'm scared of being hurt again by her, but she is really special. how do i keep myself from letting the "what ifs" eat me alive?

 

[Cathleen]

Again all, ty for the advice, i have to admit i'm scared of being hurt again by her, but she is really special. how do i keep myself from letting the "what ifs" eat me alive?

I suppose you just take each day as it comes. You can't make someone feel what they don't want to, but you can be a catalyst. Sometimes events will occur that bring something up from the past, maybe something that had been buried and it is now on the surface - you can't control those either - and you have no idea what it was you did. So just be you, it's obvious she responds to you, in more then a few ways. If you care to be patient it just might be she will understand that and continue to respond to you, share more with you etc.