Belladonna

[Belladonna]

Read my stories, and please let me know what you think. Serious critique, or not. I would enjoy responces!! They are mostly BDSM, but am trying others.

Belladonna

 

[Guest]

Read my stories, and please let me know what you think. Serious critique, or not. I would enjoy responces!! They are mostly BDSM, but am trying others.

Belladonna

______

Always a good idea to provide an easy link to your stories for your audience, Belladonna.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=175843

 

[Belladonna]

D'oh!

Silly me. and to think I posted this HOW long ago? Just browsing alot more lately as my inspiration has run dry. Not that I don't have hundreds of unfinished but the tend to remain that...UNFINISHED.
*sigh*

 

[Belladonna]

Aw, come on, no comments?


http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=8591&page=submissions

 

[kbate]

I started with the poems, a few words I felt could be changed to help them flow or read easier, some punctuation and rhythm changes would help most. I quite liked need and trashed. the only one I did not like was fears, which I feel just missed being accurate.

Fears...... difficulty reading with any meter, first line seems unnecessary, could have been titled depression.

I miss you ... two words: with my memory = in my memory; remove the 'and' beginning a line.

need.......... first line crude, but good poem.

thoughts of you -- quiver should be quivering (consistency)

to chase ----- You feel it to? too. otherwise likeable.

trashed - cute, but all caps?

***

Story reviews coming.

 

[Belladonna]

THANKYOU! seriously, I do need some help with the poems, and I truly thank you for your honest insight! And I agree, your sugestoins do make them flow better!

And ironically, Trashed was the only one written about 12 years ago, the others are recent.

I started with the poems, a few words I felt could be changed to help them flow or read easier, some punctuation and rhythm changes would help most. I quite liked need and trashed. the only one I did not like was fears, which I feel just missed being accurate.

Fears...... difficulty reading with any meter, first line seems unnecessary, could have been titled depression.

I miss you ... two words: with my memory = in my memory; remove the 'and' beginning a line.

need.......... first line crude, but good poem.

thoughts of you -- quiver should be quivering (consistency)

to chase ----- You feel it to? too. otherwise likeable.

trashed - cute, but all caps?

***

Story reviews coming.

 

[kbate]

Where did they go? You had them removed?

The story I was reading is no longer listed on your page.

 

[Belladonna]

Where did they go? You had them removed?

The story I was reading is no longer listed on your page.

What??? I'd better check...

A Game Ch. 1
A Game Ch. 2
Fuck You
He Blindfolded Me
i've Been Thinking About You
Master & Servant Ch. 1
Master & Servant Ch. 2

 

[kbate]

What??? I'd better check...

Sorry, I must have hit a glitch. Your page this morning came up with no poems, and only 4 stories. I don't know what happened, they all show now.

 

[kbate]

I've been Thinking About You... by Belladonna ©

Second person present telling - seems to be quite prevalent in this genre of story. I do not particularly like it, I do not connect with the character as "You" in this kind of story. I would rather see a straight third person story, with names rather than the "You and I".

The phrase you repeatedly use for... { You (verbed) at (my object) } - leads me to ask, did he do it to her or merely toward her?
I prefer to read ---- You licked my nipple. rather than 'you licked at my nipple'.

I kind of laughed here..
"Pressing harder, I yelp at the sudden rush of pain in my tit and despite my struggle, you continue to hold me firm as you make your way to my other breasts,"

Does she have 3 breasts?


A few minor mispunctuations. Perhaps the words 'as' and 'at' are overused, where stronger verbs could handle the action, as is a cheapie.

---

Overall, the sex is ok, the story isn't bad, but I have a hard time enjoying this type of writing. The manner of attempting to bring me into the story as "You" doesn't work, partly because in this one, as "you" I have not the equipment or ability to perform the actions of "you" and partly because second person present simply is my least favourite voice for erotica.

 

[janiexx]

I've been Thinking About You... by Belladonna ©

Second person present telling - seems to be quite prevalent in this genre of story. I do not particularly like it, I do not connect with the character as "You" in this kind of story. I would rather see a straight third person story, with names rather than the "You and I".

I have to agree with kbate on this.

Whenever I see a story written in the second person, I stop reading. I never ever identify with the "you" and instead feel as if I am reading someone's personal letter. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Just my thoughts...

janiexx

 

[Belladonna]

I have to agree with kbate on this.

Whenever I see a story written in the second person, I stop reading. I never ever identify with the "you" and instead feel as if I am reading someone's personal letter. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Just my thoughts...

janiexx

Thank you both for your input. Ihad not even really thought of it in that way! Indeed, unless you can find yourself being the story teller, its not easy to read or sbumerg yourself into it. I strive to write better for others as well as myself.

Be Well,

Belladonna

 

[CopyCarver]

Thank you both for your input. Ihad not even really thought of it in that way! Indeed, unless you can find yourself being the story teller, its not easy to read or sbumerg yourself into it. I strive to write better for others as well as myself.

Be Well,

Belladonna

If you want to try your hand at third person, here's a relatively easy way to do it: go ahead and write your story in second person until you get the plot and dialogue the way you want it. Then retro-fit character names in place of the "I" and "you."

The other structural problem with second person, beyond the "peeping Tom" factor that Janie pointed out, is logic. It makes sense only in future tense. In past tense, it essentially describes events to an active participant who presumably remembers them well.

 

[janiexx]

Hi Belladonna

I strive to write better for others as well as myself.

Be Well,

Belladonna

If that's your philosophy, you'll never go wrong

Regards
janiexx

 

[Belladonna]

*swinging my hips* and bumping myself to get some more feedback. I know what I have is relatively older but, honestly, I am looking for serious motivation to edit what is collecting dust here on my hard drive. Inspirations any one??

 

[SweetErika]

*swinging my hips* and bumping myself to get some more feedback. I know what I have is relatively older but, honestly, I am looking for serious motivation to edit what is collecting dust here on my hard drive. Inspirations any one??

Okay, I'll bite.

I read M&S 1. Once I got past the beginning, it was engaging, and I'll definitely continue to Ch. 2.

Motivation to edit, huh? Well, I'll tell you that the little things make a big difference to me as a reader. An overused word here, improperly punctuated dialogue there, odd word use and sentence structure that forces me to re-read until I get it, paragraphs that could be split up, details that should or shouldn't be there...all of this yanks me out of the story and reduces my overall enjoyment. (Note: I'm picky and BDSM is one of the two categories I read regularly for personal enjoyment, but don't believe I'm alone in those regards.)

You're a great writer, and this piece is very good, but it could be excellent, even exceptional with thorough editing, some additional development and a few changes.

Is there any better motivation to edit than pleasing and hooking your readers?

A couple of specifics to get you started (I don't have time to mince words here, so if you like fluff, don't read on ), but I hope you'll find an editor as well:

Despite her occasional lack of punctuality, she was undoubtedly the finest server he had, Marcus went on to tell her to attend to their every needs.

I had to re-read this several times. If he's saying "Despite your occasional..." then turn it into dialogue or clarify the phrasing, please. If it's a narrator's comment, it needs to be rephrased all the same.

Of course she was the best server he had, thought the 25 year old to herself.

I don't know about you, but when I think something, it's to myself. Otherwise, I say it. Perhaps you could turn it into a direct thought and give a little more explanation behind it, like (just off the top of my head):
'Of course I'm the best he has! Not only am I the most experienced, no one is as passionate about serving, meeting each customer's every need,' the 25 year old thought.

Only a woman with her…desires could be such a well behaved waitress.

This was a turn-off for me because she's a likable character and this makes her sound like an immature elitist. 'Nilla folks can be just as well-behaved, excellent waitstaff as well. You could easily rephrase it to recognize that.

Even when she made mistakes, her apologies were always undeserved and overt, though unbeknownst to the patrons, the sexual thrill she received from submitting was great.

'Undeserved' threw me for a loop. Why were they undeserved when SHE made the mistake?

Ideally, she longed for a true Dominant, but never knew just how to approach them. And what to say? Excuse me, but would you be my master? It was even a more ridiculous thought than her extreme fantasies.

Is 'ideally' needed?

Is she really not smart/resourceful enough to figure out she could place a personal ad/use the Internet or check out the local kink scene?

Why were her extreme fantasies ridiculous to her? Did they really seem that way? I fantasize about stuff that's arousing, not ridiculous - if I thought it was silly to fantasize about, I likely wouldn't get off on it. Now, it might seem ridiculous to consider carrying out in real life, but that's not what you're saying here.

The meeting she was to attend consisted of several gentlemen, each sending chills down her spine simply by the way they walked into the room and ordered their drinks. Subtly observing each one, she finally assessed that Adam brought her arousal to its peak as he seated himself at the head of the table and quickly began the meeting even while Erin served them. Pouring wine silently, she felt her cheeks flush and her loins crave him in a way that no other such casual meeting had. Even though he was probably much older than she, there was a certain air of authority about him in his tone of voice, in his stance, and especially in his eyes. Playing her fantasy to the hilt, of course, she always bowed her head when speaking to him, curtsied, and never spoke before spoken to, but only gave this attention to him. From many lonely hours of reading, as well as personal preference, she knew that was the proper manner to treat him were he a Master or even a potential.

His name here threw me off. We don't know him yet, and are only seeing things from her perspective. How did she know his name? I know, she could be looking back on the story and the narrator knows all, but that's not how it reads.

Also, you start mentioning the 'older' thing here. Many times you talk about their ages like she's 18 and he's 65 or some such! Yes, he's older and they're at different places in life, but I'm not sure why it's highlighted so much. It doesn't add anything for me, and if anything, it's cliché.

“Singled you out real quick, buddy.” the other spoke, finishing his drink.

Example of dialogue punctuation. I wouldn't mention it, but there are a bunch of recurring errors.

They had a laugh and everyone left the room, except for Adam. Of course he noticed the girl and her actions. Adam was not ignorant to the actions of a submissive personality. Perhaps she worked there because she enjoyed being ordered around like a servant, like a slave. This brought feelings of excitement to his mind, as he thought often about being the dominant subject of a relationship. Not just sexually, of course, but completely in control of his partner with her complete consent. Even though it was something he only toyed with occasionally, he knew that he could never force a woman do something unless she was willing to do it. It was more the thrill of being the overseer to her actions, and knowing that when she was told to be at his side, she would be. Naturally, to be in complete control in the bedroom was the result of a full day of domination, a reward for both, as pleasing to him as it would be to her. Ah, but Adam was dreaming. To find such a girl would take more time than he had, so busy with business that he was. Perhaps he absorbed himself into his work after the end of his marriage to save him from such another heartbreak as the divorce put on him. It was love at one point in their lives, yes, but once that was obviously over, Adam knew he could never love anyone the same again. Now at 42, he had long ago lost hope of feeling anything but primal urges for a woman. Although it had something to do with his curiosity about this girl, it was oddly not the only thing. Smiling inward, he gathered his things together, purposefully lingering on, as he toyed with erotic whimsy for a few moments longer.

Yeowch! This is one loooong paragraph! It's important info, so losing my place was not a good thing here.

Also, "Adam knew he could never love anyone the same again" and the next sentence were off-putting. I wondered why he couldn't fall in love at 42, especially when he notes being interested in more than sex with Erin. It just doesn't make a lot of sense in my head.

 

[Belladonna]

Excellent! Thank you for your words. I take it very seriously and I will re-edit some of my stuff with your input in mind. I TRULY thank you. I love the negative (or nit-picking) feedback as it does help me grow as a writer tremendously.
Be Well!!

 

[Bayoububba]

Very enjoyable read!

I truly enjoyed the first chapter of A Game! I was here reading, trying to beat a bout of writer's block and came across your story. I know a lot of people dislike first person writing, but personally, I find it much more personal and believable when you inject yourself into the story. Please keep writing!

 

[ringle]

Sorry I haven't read any of your stories yet. Just curious if you are the pornstar of the nickname BellaDonna?

 

[Belladonna]

Sorry I haven't read any of your stories yet. Just curious if you are the pornstar of the nickname BellaDonna?

Lol, no I'm not. Funny thing was I didn't even know there was a porn star of that name when I chose it. Oh the irony..

 

[JohnGalt1871]

Lol, no I'm not. Funny thing was I didn't even know there was a porn star of that name when I chose it. Oh the irony..

Hey, I've been reading through your posts and stories, and I just wanted to say that you are an incredibly sexy woman, and from Georgia too! I especially loved your masturbation fantasy story, it gave me all kinds of icked ideas Thanks a bunch, you've really made my day