"Being Late" Feedback please - first submission

Joined
Feb 26, 2006
Posts
1
Hey,

First off, where do I view public comments on my story? Second, I would really appreciate constructive feedback on the story.

Thanks!
 
Put link on here

Hi,
The first thing to do is to paste a link on here. In your signiture is ok,. It will make it easier for people to view your story. Then you might get replies which you can view. These will be on here after your comment and mine.
gOOD lUCK
sissy adele
 
Being Late

The only things I have to complain about are:

the verb tenses which jump around within sentences.
**
a few word choices in places..

returned the screen - (replaced) fire's appetite licked.... (the fire licked or hungrily licked) (an appetite is an intangible and I have trouble seeing it licking)
**
A reflexive pronoun or two.

Nice setting, decent flow pace and many good descriptions. Not a bad first story, could use polish but overall not bad.

Welcome to Lit.
 
Hi,

There are some lovely descriptions in this scene, rich and easy to visualize. I think the scene would have had more impact within the context of a longer work. Not knowing the characters made it impossible for me to become involved.

One of the few things I did know about her character distanced her from me. If my love was late on a stormy night, I wouldn't be distressed or aroused and I certainly wouldn't be looking at a wine bottle as a potential substitute, no matter how much of the wine I might have consumed. I'd be worried. Period.

I noticed a few places where a word was used multiple times in successive sentences. While this can be used for emphasis, it is most often a jarring distraction. A few examples:

The deep green silk of her gown rose slightly as she extended her legs to feel the warmth. A slight chill drifted across her bare shoulders, her full nipples hardening with the chill.

Moving his head only to change breasts, he wedged his other arm beneath her to force her up into his mouth. She gasped as he sucked her second breast into his mouth, arching, his mouth bruising her tender breasts in his hunger.

On a similar note, there is one stretch where five out of six consecutive sentences start with 'She'.

In contrast, I liked the repition here:
She grabbed his cock as he grabbed her hips.

A couple of times I was told why a character did something; I think it might have been more engaging if I had been forced to deduce why.

Shorter Paragraphs might have made for an easier read.

Those are quibbles, however. Overall, I think this is an impressive first effort.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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