Beginning a story, Looking for feedback!

[CJMasterson]

This just came to me tonight, I look forward to hearing opinions!

Vampire Beginning

It was a dark and stormy night... That's how these kinds of stories are supposed to start, right? Well, not mine. My story begins on an incredibly clear, starry night, as a matter of fact. The full moon shining down on me, shimmering off the bay. A full moon is only so bright, but reflecting off that Hawaiian ocean, it illuminates the surrounding area giving a semblance of magic in a scientific world. Perhaps it is more than a semblance, as the druids believed such a long time ago. But, I digress. This story is about a life changed, shattered in the blink of an eye. Yet the life continues. One moment I was at peace with the universe, soaking up the moonlight, feeling it's energy pulse through my body. The next, I'm struggling for life, fighting an assailant I cannot see, and losing the battle. Then it stops. The pain is gone, and I am once again staring up at the moon, taking in her beauty. But I cannot move, something is holding me, and I find myself staring up at beautiful woman. Her green eyes pierce my soul and clench my heart. As my vision fades in and out, I hear her voice, soft and gentle as a lovers caress.
“If I leave you, you will die. I can save you, or you can move on in peace. All you must do is say the word.”
My thoughts begin to race, now. Such a decision would be easy for most at such a young age, but for me, it was a rending decision. For so long I had felt prepared to die, to move on and see my daughter again. But when the time came to decide, so many reasons to stay flooded my mind. I stuttered and choked as I begged her to save me.


--
Boredom, after all, is a form of criticism.
Wendell Phillips

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Get rid of the auxillary verbs, learn more about psychic vampires, and dump every word longer than two syllables.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Get rid of the auxillary verbs, learn more about psychic vampires, and dump every word longer than two syllables.

Following a bit of your own advice, Jim, you should have said:

"Get rid of the verbs, learn more about psychic, and dump every word longer than two."

 

[jomar]

I suggest to not be cute with the 'dark and stormy night' beginning or the 'but I digress' part, it takes away from the tension and atmosphere and sort of pulls the reader back instead of into the story. You can use the druid part to add but it might add more to the mood to say something along the lines of (highlights mine, of course):

"...Perhaps it is more than a semblance, as the druids believed such a long time ago. And perhaps they knew more than we do now, living closer to nature, acutely aware and fearful of things we have long forgotten in our fascination with technology.

A life changed, shattered in the blink of an eye. Yet the life continues. One moment I was at peace with the universe, soaking up the moonlight, feeling its energy pulse through my body. The next, I'm struggling for life, fighting an assailant I cannot see, and losing the battle. Then it stops. The pain is gone, and I am once again staring up at..."

The technology line ties in with your magic and science comment, which although a nice sentence, otherwise seems a bit random and isolated.

Its - it's, your - you're...and all that.

If you're writing a Lit story, keep paragraphs to about eight lines for ease of reading. It helps to shrink your margins in Word to match the Lit margins.

Good luck!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Following a bit of your own advice, Jim, you should have said:

"Get rid of the verbs, learn more about psychic, and dump every word longer than two."

Dont know what an auxillary verb is, do yuh?

 

[sr71plt]

You have described your beginning here, not given it. Can't tell if it's a good beginning or not until/unless you actually give it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You have described your beginning here, not given it. Can't tell if it's a good beginning or not until/unless you actually give it.

OMG Youre soooooooooo insensitive! Please judge the tale by the writer's intent!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Dont know what an auxillary verb is, do yuh?

I guess you didn't notice that I was following YOUR advice, and "getting rid of all the words of more than two syllables.": You do seem to have a problem taking a joke, Jim: I "got rid of" the polysyllabic word "auxilliary." Pay closer attention next time.

 

[sr71plt]

OMG Youre soooooooooo insensitive! Please judge the tale by the writer's intent!

Excuse me? You can only judge a story by the story itself. If this one actually starts out in the middle of action, I'll probably think it's a good beginning. If it actually starts out with four paragraphs of navel gazing, I probably won't.

 

[sr71plt]

I guess you didn't notice that I was following YOUR advice, and "getting rid of all the words of more than two syllables.": You do seem to have a problem taking a joke, Jim: I "got rid of" the polysyllabic word "auxilliary." Pay closer attention next time.

Yes, I got it. I thought it was amusing. JBJ doesn't seem to be operating on all cylinders this morning (again).

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Excuse me? You can only judge a story by the story itself. If this one actually starts out in the middle of action, I'll probably think it's a good beginning. If it actually starts out with four paragraphs of navel gazing, I probably won't.

Navel gazing is catching on across the fruited plains; I can make a good case that the Nobel and Pulitzer panels will go for sensitive navel gazing in lieu of crude action.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I guess you didn't notice that I was following YOUR advice, and "getting rid of all the words of more than two syllables.": You do seem to have a problem taking a joke, Jim: I "got rid of" the polysyllabic word "auxilliary." Pay closer attention next time.

I notice you with one eye closed and the other seriously squinted.

 

[CJMasterson]

Amidst all the bickering and joking, which have amused me greatly, you guys have had some good advice. I have realized that my intent was not made clear at all. This is not looking to turn out as an erotic story, though it may include some action of that sort. It is intended to be a story that makes the readers think, and, in some cases, open up a thesaurus or dictionary. That being said, you may continue the bickering and joking, and I will use it to amuse myself.

 

[CJMasterson]

I suggest to not be cute with the 'dark and stormy night' beginning or the 'but I digress' part, it takes away from the tension and atmosphere and sort of pulls the reader back instead of into the story. You can use the druid part to add but it might add more to the mood to say something along the lines of (highlights mine, of course):

"...Perhaps it is more than a semblance, as the druids believed such a long time ago. And perhaps they knew more than we do now, living closer to nature, acutely aware and fearful of things we have long forgotten in our fascination with technology.

A life changed, shattered in the blink of an eye. Yet the life continues. One moment I was at peace with the universe, soaking up the moonlight, feeling its energy pulse through my body. The next, I'm struggling for life, fighting an assailant I cannot see, and losing the battle. Then it stops. The pain is gone, and I am once again staring up at..."

The technology line ties in with your magic and science comment, which although a nice sentence, otherwise seems a bit random and isolated.

Its - it's, your - you're...and all that.

If you're writing a Lit story, keep paragraphs to about eight lines for ease of reading. It helps to shrink your margins in Word to match the Lit margins.

Good luck!

BTW, I really like that added sentence! Thank you!

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's a tough balance between "period atmosphere" and modern sensibilities, but I think you have a good start

Let your narrator's voice be very strong. If s/he uses colloquialisms once in a (rare) while, it will add to his or her presence. And the voice will excuse sudden tense changes, if you simply must have them-- otherwise, keep an eye on "is" and makes sure it gets changed to 'was."

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I notice you with one eye closed and the other seriously squinted.

Well, that certainly explains your inability to comprehend even the most simple of witicisms.

 

[Boxlicker101]

For Christ's sake, what's wrong with you guys? Here is an author who has come to the AH to ask advice from other authors and all some of you can do is bicker about inconsequentialities.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Well, that certainly explains your inability to comprehend even the most simple of witicisms.

Maybe if you explain your points slowly, use simple words, your meaning will be clear. Sometimes your come across like VERDAD trying to make us think she has a clue when she doesnt. I mean, the moment she uses 3 syllables you know she's stepped thru the looking glass and nothing can ever make sense while she's there.

 

[sr71plt]

Amidst all the bickering and joking, which have amused me greatly, you guys have had some good advice. I have realized that my intent was not made clear at all. This is not looking to turn out as an erotic story, though it may include some action of that sort. It is intended to be a story that makes the readers think, and, in some cases, open up a thesaurus or dictionary. That being said, you may continue the bickering and joking, and I will use it to amuse myself.

My response wasn't limited to erotic stories either. How does your story actually start? You don't give your actual opening here. Does it open with action or four paragraphs of navel gazing? Erotica isn't any different from any other form of story in what constitutes a good opening--which was your question. Nor does one make the reader think and another one doesn't. I can say, though, that sending your reader to a thesaurus or dictionary on the first page isn't a terrific opening. The reader's not someone you're fencing with or trying to make feel inferior to you. And I wasn't joking--not to either you or JBJ.

 

[sr71plt]

Ah, rereading the OP, it looks like this is the actual story opening. Confusing, but it wouldn't have been if it were what was given as an actual story rather than a forum query--so I wouldn't say this is too confusing as a story opener. I like opening with confusion--perhaps not on more than one level, as this one seems to be, though.

Opening by calling a cliche a cliche is pretty much a double cliche--especially this one, so I think the all-important opening sentence is a throw away here.

And starting by telling the reader what your story is about is something I've seen in nonfiction. Pretty limiting in fiction, though. In "brilliant" stories, the reader often sees other/additional meanings in the story than the writer intentionally put there--which is a sign that the reader is engaged and making use of your story that may go farther (or be contectually different) than the writer's investment in it (which is a good thing--it's something that is working in master art works too).

Would I read farther than this?--no, probably not, if it continues just whirling around in place like this and screams "look at what a brilliant writer I am." But that's just me. I didn't finish reading anything James Joyce wrote either.

Need to watch your it's/its usage.

Nice, fluid writing, though.

 

[driphoney]

For Christ's sake, what's wrong with you guys? Here is an author who has come to the AH to ask advice from other authors and all some of you can do is bicker about inconsequentialities.

This is why most of these type questions are asked over in the Story Feedback Forum. Unfortunately and fortunately, hardly any of the AHers ever step foot over there.

 

[Pure]

to cjm

i think it's a decent opening; however,

the first couple sentences don't really work;

guard against overwriting. it's bound to be a bit over the top, but control yourself.

watch diction: slang words like 'incredibly' detract from the ambience.

---
i'm thinking of the efforts of edgar allen poe, along similar lines. what comes to mind here is that you may be saying too much. things have to build up.

that said, it's good that things move along, and i hope the next paras will not be mere introspection.

here is a proposed compression/revision of part of your piece, illustrating my points, above:

{New opening, then--} This story is about a life changed, shattered in the blink of an eye. Yet the life continues. One moment I was at peace with the universe, soaking up the moonlight, feeling its energy pulse through my body. The next, I'm struggling for life, fighting an assailant I cannot see, and losing. Then it stops. The pain is gone, and I am once again staring up at the moon, taking in her beauty. But I cannot move, something is holding me, I’m staring up at a beautiful woman. Her green eyes pierce my soul. Her voice is soft as a lover’s caress.

“If I leave you, you will die. I can save you. All you must do is say the word.”

My thoughts race. For so long I’ve felt prepared to die, to move on and see my daughter again. {leave aside his response for a bit}

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

But leave out PURE's cliches.

 

[Dragonlipz]

Keep writing. Read what you've written. Read it aloud. Do that till it sounds right. If it can't be read aloud then it shouldn't be read.....(Some authorly advice from an author) - advice is like having a shaker full of salt, used sparingly................

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I bet most writers are clueless when it comes to 'knowing' if their writing is good or crap; so I assert that if you dont know where your stuff falls youre likely writing the wrong stuff; that is, youre not a natural for the business you do.