Suzanne James
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2005
- Posts
- 2
Hi, people seem to like my stories so far--any suggestions? Would love some input.....
Becoming Jack's Milk Cow--comments? suggestions?
- Thread starter Suzanne James
- Start date
Hotcappucino
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 655
Here's a link to Suzanne's stories.
flawed_ethics
Professional Dufus
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2001
- Posts
- 1,193
I read the first three stories before the weekend. So if more have since been posted, I'm not aware of them. That being said, bear in mind that my memory of them is a bit hazy.
As someone who is intrigued by lactation and degrees of preggo sex, this sounded like it could go a long way for me. Unfortunately, I found it a difficult to digest and believe in. First off, the chapters are short. You fit two chapters to each submission, yet each submission wasn't over a Lit page long.
The focus being on their fantasy of her belly growing and her body producing milk is all well and good - but even for the characters it's just that, a fantasy. She puts on weight, but it just adds a degree of roundness to her frame (in reality it wouldn't make her look pregnant - just fatter (IMO)). I like how you hinted to her feeling her belly gow against the fabric of her tight dress over a filling dinner, but it didn't seem to go anywhere, so it came off as wasted.
I think, for this reader, I was hoping to see somethign happen. Instead, I learned they share a common fantasy and spend almost every day at each other's place, talking about (instead of actually living) their fantasy. The desire is present and erotically tended to in words, but for me, the resonance only carries me so far.
Just my thoughts. I'm not trying to bash you. I thought you touched on the female allure of such a transformation pretty well. I guess I expect some gratification or promise thereof (I'm greedy that way).
As someone who is intrigued by lactation and degrees of preggo sex, this sounded like it could go a long way for me. Unfortunately, I found it a difficult to digest and believe in. First off, the chapters are short. You fit two chapters to each submission, yet each submission wasn't over a Lit page long.
The focus being on their fantasy of her belly growing and her body producing milk is all well and good - but even for the characters it's just that, a fantasy. She puts on weight, but it just adds a degree of roundness to her frame (in reality it wouldn't make her look pregnant - just fatter (IMO)). I like how you hinted to her feeling her belly gow against the fabric of her tight dress over a filling dinner, but it didn't seem to go anywhere, so it came off as wasted.
I think, for this reader, I was hoping to see somethign happen. Instead, I learned they share a common fantasy and spend almost every day at each other's place, talking about (instead of actually living) their fantasy. The desire is present and erotically tended to in words, but for me, the resonance only carries me so far.
Just my thoughts. I'm not trying to bash you. I thought you touched on the female allure of such a transformation pretty well. I guess I expect some gratification or promise thereof (I'm greedy that way).
julianna_wolfe
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2007
- Posts
- 6
Love It
I had to search this forum for this story..
I love it. It's my favorite.
I loved that you mentioned the fantasy aspect throughout the whole story. I find most stories spend a couple paragraphs on the fantasy and then move on to the usual boring stuff.
I love the way you repeated the same words through the whole story, you managed to slip the words that were getting to me in at every opportunity. It was really something, the way you kept going back to that basic idea of Becoming a Milk Cow.
I would love to see you go further with this story... I'd love to see her actually milked like a little milk cow. How he'd lovingly put her in her milking stall when it was time and milk her just like a milk cow... Okay, I had better stop now.
Suzanne, I hope you end up reading this, I LOVE your stories. I would love to hear from you, I have never talked about this fantasy with anyone before.
Thanks for your words.
Juilanna
I had to search this forum for this story..
I love it. It's my favorite.
I loved that you mentioned the fantasy aspect throughout the whole story. I find most stories spend a couple paragraphs on the fantasy and then move on to the usual boring stuff.
I love the way you repeated the same words through the whole story, you managed to slip the words that were getting to me in at every opportunity. It was really something, the way you kept going back to that basic idea of Becoming a Milk Cow.
I would love to see you go further with this story... I'd love to see her actually milked like a little milk cow. How he'd lovingly put her in her milking stall when it was time and milk her just like a milk cow... Okay, I had better stop now.
Suzanne, I hope you end up reading this, I LOVE your stories. I would love to hear from you, I have never talked about this fantasy with anyone before.
Thanks for your words.
Juilanna
I saw nothing special in the content to make up for the sins in the writing. As was stated, the entire story should have been submitted as one rather than broken into five pieces. By section 4, I was skimming rather than reading - the redundancy making it unnecessary to read the story to gather the ideas - a glance would figure the content of each paragraph.
Weak dialogue attribution, too many adverbs, too many numeric physical descriptions and too much unbelievability in the premise.
For the lactation fetish fans, I am sure it is on-target.
Weak dialogue attribution, too many adverbs, too many numeric physical descriptions and too much unbelievability in the premise.
For the lactation fetish fans, I am sure it is on-target.
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
I read them. Each submitted story should stand alone as a complete story. What you are writing here is a novel with chapters way too short.
You use too many percise discriptions. I had the impression of reading an Ian Fleming, James Bond book (He dressed in a robin's egg blue banlon shirt and wool trousers he'd bought in a small, exclusive shop on Bleaker Street, with a..." Ian Fleming got away with it because he had a loyal following of action-adventure readers. The best advice anyone can give you is: Give the reader some credit and make your discriptions the barest of outlines. The reader will fill them in inside their own heads.
The second problem I had with your stories was, I kept waiting for something to happen. It seems like all I got was a let down at the end of each story. Then the following story just seemed redundant re-hash to catch up then another let down. The story overall moves so slowly I got tired.
On the other hand, you had a great idea for a story. Your writing is clean with only a few glitches that most new writers (and, from time to time, we old cramudgions) make.
You should keep writing. You are starting out way ahead of where most new Lit writers begin. I expect there will be a lot of improvement coming from you soon.
You use too many percise discriptions. I had the impression of reading an Ian Fleming, James Bond book (He dressed in a robin's egg blue banlon shirt and wool trousers he'd bought in a small, exclusive shop on Bleaker Street, with a..." Ian Fleming got away with it because he had a loyal following of action-adventure readers. The best advice anyone can give you is: Give the reader some credit and make your discriptions the barest of outlines. The reader will fill them in inside their own heads.
The second problem I had with your stories was, I kept waiting for something to happen. It seems like all I got was a let down at the end of each story. Then the following story just seemed redundant re-hash to catch up then another let down. The story overall moves so slowly I got tired.
On the other hand, you had a great idea for a story. Your writing is clean with only a few glitches that most new writers (and, from time to time, we old cramudgions) make.
You should keep writing. You are starting out way ahead of where most new Lit writers begin. I expect there will be a lot of improvement coming from you soon.
Last edited:
Similar threads
