Lucifer_Carroll
GOATS!!!
- Joined
- May 4, 2004
- Posts
- 3,319
I'm sorry for the format I am about to use, personal anecdotes being so selfish to a degree, but I think this time it might be justified to a degree. That selfish might be warranted to celebrate an occassion I have waited for for so long.
It began early, a day running off fierce battles with clueless undergrads, and frantic completion of tasks, then a near loss of faith, a building of rage at the sheer numbers of betrayals to things I hold dear out of desperate habit. A fixation on questions of uncomfortable tendency, of dark paths nearly traveled. It quelled as it usually does and I eventually found myself watching American Beauty and once again crying at the end. Then there was the confrontation of self, the supposed realization that the hopes I carried so desperately inside me were lies, trappings and rags that I clung to while knowing that they'd never be appreciated again, beginning to suspect again in frightening ways that perhaps all the assholes were right, that one could be eternally punished for a good life and that I was carrying a torch, ideals, for a damned man who could not appreciate it. That my entire life was a pointless escapism from a bitter nihilistic truth of the world. Essentially I was fearing that my philsophy was crossing the line from Black Romanticism to true Black Nihilism.
So I went for a walk and introspection, an old habit, though less taken in modern times for fear of what I was seeing repeated in my soul. Betrayals of loneliness to the ideals I hawked, vain pathetic beliefs, and overall a farce, a *spit* coping mechanism as the shit-stained psychologists call it. And so in deep funk I walked through the wooded night looking up at the moon. The moon which seems to have characterized me as a night owl, which has been my element so to speak.
And there I saw it. It was ironic of course, unexpected, and a wry play on me, but there nonetheless, knowledge, a sign that what I believed, that it does matter that he can see how I carry his torch, how I try and fail to prove the worth I wasn't truly able to show him in life. A knowledge that hope, the greatest of values, that which he clung to most fervently and which I inherited through the branding of my villainous soul, matters. That you always got to have the hope in the big things, because despite all the times hope has failed, turned out blank or inverted or dumped on your head with the lavatory, sometimes, sometimes it pays off. Sometimes, hope is justified and shown not to be mere hope but knowledge.
And to have that hope paid off when I was beginning to lose it, beginning to lose that strength of conviction, when the eve of the anniversary was approaching and I could feel it slowly slipping away like a dream, like something to cope with and get over, I can not describe the feeling, but I hope that someday you all get to feel it. There is no feeling that can rival. That can rival a sign, a gift that hope is justified.
I apologize for the vagueness, for the personal subject, for inflicting this on you all. I really am, but I needed to preserve it in another medium, the inner smile and well...I'm sorry for abusing this forum for that purpose. Truly I am.
It began early, a day running off fierce battles with clueless undergrads, and frantic completion of tasks, then a near loss of faith, a building of rage at the sheer numbers of betrayals to things I hold dear out of desperate habit. A fixation on questions of uncomfortable tendency, of dark paths nearly traveled. It quelled as it usually does and I eventually found myself watching American Beauty and once again crying at the end. Then there was the confrontation of self, the supposed realization that the hopes I carried so desperately inside me were lies, trappings and rags that I clung to while knowing that they'd never be appreciated again, beginning to suspect again in frightening ways that perhaps all the assholes were right, that one could be eternally punished for a good life and that I was carrying a torch, ideals, for a damned man who could not appreciate it. That my entire life was a pointless escapism from a bitter nihilistic truth of the world. Essentially I was fearing that my philsophy was crossing the line from Black Romanticism to true Black Nihilism.
So I went for a walk and introspection, an old habit, though less taken in modern times for fear of what I was seeing repeated in my soul. Betrayals of loneliness to the ideals I hawked, vain pathetic beliefs, and overall a farce, a *spit* coping mechanism as the shit-stained psychologists call it. And so in deep funk I walked through the wooded night looking up at the moon. The moon which seems to have characterized me as a night owl, which has been my element so to speak.
And there I saw it. It was ironic of course, unexpected, and a wry play on me, but there nonetheless, knowledge, a sign that what I believed, that it does matter that he can see how I carry his torch, how I try and fail to prove the worth I wasn't truly able to show him in life. A knowledge that hope, the greatest of values, that which he clung to most fervently and which I inherited through the branding of my villainous soul, matters. That you always got to have the hope in the big things, because despite all the times hope has failed, turned out blank or inverted or dumped on your head with the lavatory, sometimes, sometimes it pays off. Sometimes, hope is justified and shown not to be mere hope but knowledge.
And to have that hope paid off when I was beginning to lose it, beginning to lose that strength of conviction, when the eve of the anniversary was approaching and I could feel it slowly slipping away like a dream, like something to cope with and get over, I can not describe the feeling, but I hope that someday you all get to feel it. There is no feeling that can rival. That can rival a sign, a gift that hope is justified.
I apologize for the vagueness, for the personal subject, for inflicting this on you all. I really am, but I needed to preserve it in another medium, the inner smile and well...I'm sorry for abusing this forum for that purpose. Truly I am.
