Be supportive

[kimbernee]

My BF's got a problem with his daughter. It's been going on for years (he and I have been together about 8 months) and it's not going to end any time soon (or ever). There are quiet periods and then flare-ups (maybe every two weeks for a few days). During the flare-ups he talks to me about the situation endlessly. I've come to realize that I can't solve the problem and that trying to is dragging me down. I need to be supportive without getting involved.

When we're together, I can hug him or give him a back rub (though he's sometimes pretty standoffish). At least he can see I'm physically there and paying attention. On the phone, which is how these conversations usually happen, just being there sounds like silence. What are some suggestions for supportive, non-advisory and non-confirmatory (I don't always agree 100% with his position) things I can say? I always get sucked into giving him opinions and advice and then I spend the whole night awake having imaginary conversations with him in my head. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

 

[satindesire]

My BF's got a problem with his daughter. It's been going on for years (he and I have been together about 8 months) and it's not going to end any time soon (or ever). There are quiet periods and then flare-ups (maybe every two weeks for a few days). During the flare-ups he talks to me about the situation endlessly. I've come to realize that I can't solve the problem and that trying to is dragging me down. I need to be supportive without getting involved.

When we're together, I can hug him or give him a back rub (though he's sometimes pretty standoffish). At least he can see I'm physically there and paying attention. On the phone, which is how these conversations usually happen, just being there sounds like silence. What are some suggestions for supportive, non-advisory and non-confirmatory (I don't always agree 100% with his position) things I can say? I always get sucked into giving him opinions and advice and then I spend the whole night awake having imaginary conversations with him in my head. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

You should start by saying just that to him. "I realize that while your issues with your daughter affect you adversely, the fact that you both are having trouble resolving them is also affecting me. Is there any way I can support you without getting my own emotions so deeply involved?"

Directness usually works really well when dealing with men, and worded gently with a loving tone of voice, no offense will be taken.

Good luck and God bless. ^_^

 

[VelvetDarkness]

First of all, kudos for you for realising that your man has to figure out his issues with his daughter alone. Daughters often hate it when daddy has a new relationship so respect to you for butting out.

Talking about trivial things is always good as you can find common ground on subjects that aren't emotionally charged. Keep little amusing snippets of your day strored to share with him. You'd be amazed what you can store up if you're actively looking for stuff that he'd like to hear about.

I'm sure you're not about to do this but don't get so caught up in not talking about his daughter that he starts to feel that you're not really concerned any more. He should always know that you are there if he ever does want someone to vent at.

These situations are very tricky and I hope that whatever's going on with his daughter can be resolved soon. Without going into specifics, if it seems unlikely that any progress is being made, you might have to consider the implications of what will happen if these issues drag on ad infinitum.

 

[SweetErika]

Many therapists are experts at active listening and support, without taking a side. You may want to google 'active listening' to see if you can get some suggestions, but here are a few to start:

- Hmmm

- So if I understand what you're saying, you feel/think.... about this.

- How do you feel about that?

- It sounds like....

- That seems like a difficult situation.

- I bet that's very stressful/hard/sad for you.

- I understand/I follow you

- Hang in there. I'm sure this will work out eventually.

- [Restating the person's thoughts and feelings in a different way.]


I'm not suggesting you act as his therapist AT ALL, and Satin has a very good point about letting your bf know you feel caught in the middle and stressed sometimes, even though you're absolutely there to support him. But if you're into listening/supporting him in a neutral way, you might try the above and similar techniques.

If you have the means, you also may want to speak to a therapist about how you can best deal with the situation without getting too emotionally involved/stressed.

Is he and/or is his daughter in therapy? It sounds like they need a safe environment and support to work on their issues, so that might be the best course of action for everyone here.

 

[kimbernee]

Thanks for the advice. We did have a talk last night. I told him that he and I were stuck in repeating the same cycle (discussions about her) over and over, just like he and she are stuck in repeating their cycle, and that I was losing sleep just like he was. He asked what we could do about that and I told him that although I would always be willing to listen, I could no longer offer advice. I explained that since he isn't able/willing to do what I advise, giving him advice is as frustrating for me as it is for him when he tries to get his daughter to do things she won't do.

I do have to listen to him. There's no way I can cut this topic out of our conversations because it's his primary concern and consumes a large part of almost every day. No, that's not healthy, but it's him and I generally love him. So the trick is to learn to listen without jumping in. I've been trying the kind of stuff SweetErika suggsts; it's just hard. I guess I like to offer my opinion.

Unfortunately, it's unlikely anything will change within the next several years minimum. She's a willful, lazy, nasty 18 year old who expects everything handed to her with no responsibility in return and he's an overcontrolling father who can't say no if she makes the right threats. He's been to several counselors and thought they were unhelpful (probably they gave him the same advice I did, which he won't take) and she won't go. So they're on their own.

FWIW, she likes me. He says the only time she's pleasant to be around is when I'm there which further leads to his belief that I can somehow fix this situation. It's only because I'm a relative stranger and because I'm not ever trying to control her, but he's got this idea that I know how to deal with her and he can get it out of me if we talk about it enough. Naturally I think I do know how to deal with her, but he can't/won't follow through on that and I could well be wrong anyway. I'm not a parent. There's no saying what I'd do if I were.