BDSM themed prose

[praefect]

I don't know if this is the right forum or not, but here I offer for your consideration and critique a poem that I wrote that I think is not completely horrible.

The Beast Within, it bares it teeth inside its prison. It pulls its chain, it growls in hunger and I listen.

In dreams and visions it is free to roam. It's claws extended, eyes of blood, scent of danger, mouth of foam.

There are screams and there is rape. A thousand dreams, within the cellar of my soul, innocence now meets its fate.

The Beast Within must stay confined. Behold the monster! There is no redemption for the wicked or the weak if it is unleashed and left to dine.

The realization of a craving for predation sparks a war within. Fear and loathing. Clothing of a sheep, from glancing stares with silence I disguise my sin.

Years go by, one night the watchman drinks and it escapes its keep. My gentle nature falls away and fangs that long now bared, my ladies throat so full of life, they dig in deep.

I choke, I spank, I penetrate a mind, I fuck and I degrade. Your soul is desecrate and mine, it's changed. Cold as ice, hard as rock, I fly now free, I feel now home. This is fate.

But waking my memory is blocked. Thinking back there is a blur, images, flashes bright of darkness, and then as I am told of deeds in reverence, a shock.

NO! Never would I let the monster within burst forth with all its rage. How did it escape from the confinement of the self, the torture of my cage?

Oppressed again demanding it remains, and fierce. Through the crack in the veneer it is lending me a growl, a taste. Among its gifts, now mine, are eyes that pierce.

I let it dine again and months go by. The war is over, all sides win, relief of self as I begin to lift my cellar in the embracing of my sin.

The Beast Within is not a monster I can't trust. Though something primal it's a teacher, a Master of dark and honest canine lust.

In love my sight is twofold now, that of warmth and that of ice. In passion now my teeth are bared, in demand of sacrifice.

Power overwhelming, craving, love and pain, all seem now the same. A balance and a peace I never knew, and it is safe.

Come to me my slave.

 

[Stella_Omega]

How honest would you like this critique to be?

 

[praefect]

If he were looking for honesty he would have posted in Poetry Feedback & Discussion, or the Author's Hangout.

Critique here, clearly means praise, for anyone too experienced in online submission to remember what it was like to share, hoping in naivity to find something akin to appreciation, enthusiasm, or possibly even compasison.

I appologize, praefect, for not bubbling over myself. I have a headache again (as per usual of late), so even if this were my perfect cup of tea (which it isn't) I would still be hard pressed for nice things to say today.

It seems to be the case in general though, that those who like a piece of work are frequently silent on it, yet the nit pickers are never so hushed.

Good luck.

I wish that were true. I know it's terrible. But those close to me tell me it's great, so I came here for hard truth.

 

[Stella_Omega]

yea, preafect, it's pretty bad.

It's doggerel, as it stands right now.

Poetry is not a matter of merely sticking almost- rhyming words at the end of random sentences, and you can't make up the meter by adding lots of "it's" and "theys" and "nows." Poetry is the most stripped-down, careful and close word work we humans have ever invented. Every word must be telling. Say exactly what you mean to say, no more, and no less.

You can do a lot with this poem by editing the fuck out of it, like so:

The Beast bares its teeth inside its prison;
Chained, it growls in hunger and I listen.

I can't edit the second pair of lines as they stand, I lose the rhyme of 'Roam" and "foam" because the construction is so passive, but the third line might be more like;

In dreams I set it free to roam

Not all poetry has to rhyme, but if it doesn't there had better be some other reason to call it a poem-- meter and rhythm are pretty crucial, and actually, not so difficult to do.

Hope this helps!