BDSM: Imagining the pain of a penis that is too big

[theMasterBaiter]

I'd love to get some constructive criticism on this little segment from the Steampunk(ish) Victorian BDSM book I'm writing. I'm trying to evoke a situation where something could be done, it's right there in front of you, for the taking, but you don't HAVE to take it, you can just watch and enjoy. It's a very dangerous thing, something you don't actually want, but it's fun to imagine, and all the more exciting because of it's proximity.

In the story, the women (maid Marion... I have fun with names) is in a cage... long story... but she has the key to the lock on the door. The cage is to protect HER, not to keep her locked up. So she feels safe doing things she would not normally do, because the guy (later guys) outside the cage can't get to her, even if she drives the totally wild.

None of that is a problem. The issue I'm struggling with is making the writing sound... real. Making them "come to life" and sound like actual people, in that situation. I'm hoping some other authors here will read this and say "she would have said xxxx instead of yyyy" or something like that.

Any (again CONSTRUCTIVE) criticism would be very welcome.

------

Marions jaw dropped at the size of Seth's tool, and she forgot about fingering herself in sheer dismay. His manhood was the size of a large sausage. Bigger even. The size of a truncheon. Images of an Elephant's trunk, a blacksmith's hammer, and an upside down bottle of wine flashed through her mind before being rejected as "nothing like" what was hanging before her.

It was… amazing...

"Holy Lord Almighty… Seth, how do you… where does that… " Marion stopped talking, swallowed, and tore her eyes from his "little" man to look Seth in the face.

"Have you ever had sex with a women, and did she survive it?" she asked with a completely serious look no her face.

Seth's expression changed from a rueful smile (which was just registering in Marion's exploded mind as she had asked her question) to a head back belly laugh which lead him to collapse on the bed laughing, his mighty pole waving in the air and so recapturing Marion's attention. It was… stunning… near perfectly straight, covered in veins and muscle and rising to a bulb at the top from which just the tip of his glans protruded. Marion suddenly had a vision of it being alien or animal, as it was on display without any identifiable part of a human attached. But then Seth set back up, wiping the tears from his eyes and clearing his throat as the laughter faded away.

"Ah…" he started, "Ah… well… it's a long story…" At which point he stopped again and smiled with a wink, causing them both to laugh again.

"But seriously, this thing has scared away more girls than it's attracted, but it has found it's target a time or two and the lasses did not die of it… although they walked a bit funny for a while after." He said with a smile.

"I'm sure they did!" Marion said, now on her knees in her cage, to get a better look. "My god, it's the size of my forearm!" she exclaimed, looking down at her hand.

"The sad thing is, only about half of it ever fits, and that only with great care." Seth smiled ruefully again, "And I can't ever really let go the way I'd like to for fear of actually hurting someone."

"So you've never really had a night of unbridled passion?"

"No, not really." Seth shook his head "Now don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of 'em, and I'd not want to be born otherwise, but I've given up finding a women who can handle me… fully, I mean." Taking both his hands, one above the other, Seth gripped most of the length of his danger dong and stroked it slowly up, pulling the skin over the head, and then down exposing the tip. "I've accepted that my own big hands are the only full match for it"

"I'm… " Marion stumbled for words… "honored to behold it's… mighty… girth…" Suddenly remembering her own body, she rocked back and spread her legs again, looking down at her neat little slit. "Just thinking about that going into me is deathly frightening… and very exciting!"

"And watching your lovely body is fun for me as well." Seth smiled, still slowly stroking himself. "Your breasts are… breathtaking…" he said, refocusing his eyes on her chest, and making Marion look up and shiver with a special joy twinged with terror.

"Knowing what you could do to me with that… how much it would… hurt… " Marion gasped as she thought of it and started playing with herself again "It's… terrifying… But knowing you can't and I'm safe in here… I can just enjoy the thought. " Her head rolled back and she panted, her chest shaking up and down as she moved her fingers more rapidly over her sex.

"I'm glad you… like that… are you thinking about me pushing it into you?"

"Yes… yes… I'm thinking about how my little pussy would be stretched, how tight it would be around… that… oh my… "

"I wouldn't want to be gentile… I'd shove… I'd want to just ram… "

"Oh, oh god, Seth, it would rip me open! Just thinking about it pounding into me, forcing my…"

"Yes, slamming it into you while you screamed!"

"AH! Oh… sweet god, I'm… cumming!!!"

"Oh yeah! Yes… me… ahhhhh!!!"

Seths volcano of a shaft erupted with cum, spraying sticky white seed all over the cage and Marion in several long spurts, which she didn't see until she opened her eyes and licked her lips.

"Did you… you came in my mouth! From over there!" Marion looked down and saw ropes of cum on her chest, belly and leg.

"Oh my! Oh, I'm so sorry!" Seth looked panicked, but Marion laughed.

"It's ok.. You seem to have missed my cunny, and honestly, it's been so long since I've had cum in my mouth… I don't mind the taste at all. In fact, your cum is… " Marion lifted one tit to her mouth and licked the cum off it before continuing: "...it actually tastes quite good."

"Oh wow… Marion, I'm going to get hard again if you keep talking that way." Seth smiled.

"Yeah? Good. I like that I have that effect on you, and I want to cum again too…" Marion smiled, and picked up some cum from her leg with her finger, then put it in her mouth and made a show of licking it off.

"Good lord, Marion… you are a special women."

"Why thank you sir, " Marion giggled, before picking up her masters shaft and slowly stroking the head of it up and down her slit. "Now, you enjoy the show and I'm going to ram this into me as fast as I can to get a little taste of what taking your monster would be like. And then after we have each found release again, I'm going to sleep and dream about it."

Seth grunted and gripped his already stiffening shaft again.

"But Seth, " Marion paused to catch his full attention, eye to eye and then continued "I belong to my Master, and won't ever be for you, except like this. Do you understand?"

Seth nodded, smiling, "I know you love him, and only him."

Marion smiled, and then braced herself for the fastest insertion she had ever attempted.

Their cries faded into the night, and were echoed when she whimpered in the throes of an erotic nightmare, much deeper into the darkness.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The dialogue read ok to me, not forced at all. It seemed "realistic".

There are some minor grammatical glitches that could be tightened up; commas where they should be, full-stops, maybe lose some of the ellipsis (where commas would do), but no show stoppers. Grammar Nazis will be along soon, no doubt.

One thing - it's Victorian era, so "spending" was more commonly used, I think, than "coming" - and certainly not "cum" or "cumming" - they wrenched me right out of time. In a period piece anachronisms stand out like dog's balls - 21st century usage is not nineteenth century usage.

 

[LeandraNyx]

Deleted

 

[holliday1960]

I have to agree with LeandraNyx here on several points. (I use ellipses in texted conversations a lot, but rarely in actual writing. Too many can detract from your writing.) Grammatically speaking, I found the first sentence needs restructure to make sense to me. I don't think she was 'fingering herself in sheer dismay'.
Try instead: 'and in sheer dismay, she forgot about fingering herself.'

I think the problem with the descriptions are two fold. First, you describe wine bottles and elephant penis', neither of which are believable in that the male body would not sustain an erection that large. Then, the comparison to her forearm is made, which is more believable naturally, but this woman's forearm must be huge if it compares to his penis which is compared to an elephant penis...(see where I'm going with this?) It's conflicting. (I personally wouldn't describe a woman with an arm that size to have a 'little' or 'delicate' pussy.)

Certainly, in fantasy you can exaggerate to whatever degree you like, but you asked for 'realistic' and this isn't it. The reality is that there are men who are extremely well endowed. (In my lifetime, I've met 4 and for me, much like the lady in your story, two of those were 'undo-able', completely impossible. Being familiar with farm-life, I would realistically compare them to the size of a stallion or a bull. Statistically speaking, one was over 13" in length and the other was over 12", the girth of both was indeed larger than my forearm, but I am a small woman.

In describing fantastical fantasy, you could use obvious exaggerations such as: 'He had a penis the size of a telephone pole.' Or 'fence-post'. Or 'like the Alaskan pipeline.' Obviously not possible, but yet they somehow get the point across without sounding comical. I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck with the story!

 

[lovecraft68]

First that's too long a segment to post here of a story not yet published. Only a paragraph or so is allowed.

As for my opinion strictly unbiased on the writing itself your sentences need some work. As someone else pointed out they seem awkward and don't flow well, the wording just doesn't seem quite right. I have the impression its being rushed...if that's the case an edit once the 'heat of the moment' has passed will help.

My opinion based on a reader-and I suppose author as well- the whole giant penis thing is ridiculous and smacks of fourteen year old male fantasy. You can say he's big, say its the biggest she's seen/had and its painful, but the way you're doing it is so unreal it borders on parody.

Makes it seem like you're the one obsessed with the size. Just tone it down a bit. You'll still get the point across.

 

[Handley_Page]

Some years ago, a woman wrote to a Men's Magazine (at a time when the focus was on more than pulchritude), complaining that it had taken her more than 6 months to be able to accommodate her boyfriend's enormous prick.
The editorial response was a gem; "You have our sympathy, Madam".

 

[theMasterBaiter]

The dialogue read ok to me, not forced at all. It seemed "realistic".

There are some minor grammatical glitches that could be tightened up; commas where they should be, full-stops, maybe lose some of the ellipsis (where commas would do), but no show stoppers. Grammar Nazis will be along soon, no doubt.

One thing - it's Victorian era, so "spending" was more commonly used, I think, than "coming" - and certainly not "cum" or "cumming" - they wrenched me right out of time. In a period piece anachronisms stand out like dog's balls - 21st century usage is not nineteenth century usage.

LOL... and cum they always do. I very much appreciate the correction on "spending" vs "cumming". Sadly it doesn't work in this bit, I think, but I did find some other ways of wording it that avoid the anachronism. I also found "pearly shower" as a Victorian age euphemism for ejaculate and that helps.

And yes, I'm addicted to ellipsis and commas and must try harder to use commas and period instead. sigh.

Thanks much!

 

[theMasterBaiter]

I have two comments.

First off, you use a lot of ellipses. As a big fan of them myself, I know that the struggle to hold back is real, but you must. Having too many disrupts the flow of the dialogue and after awhile, overuse causes them to lose their effectiveness.

Secondly, as a woman with "big, intimidating cock" fantasies, I found your descriptions of Seth's manhood more comical than sexy. Maybe that's what you were going for, but if not, maybe re-work your description a bit. Don't get me wrong, I like the line about Marion's thought process--when she sees it and envisions a wine bottle, elephant's trunk, etc.--because it adds character to the story. But the actual description a bit farther down was a bit of a turn off (i.e. no one wants to be fucked by a sausage or a disembodied alien penis creature).

Hope that helps; otherwise, I thought it was pretty damn good.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback. And yes, I'm addicted to ellipsis and commas and must try harder to use commas and period instead. sigh. They are just so... darn... lovely, don't you think? ,o)

I was going for comical, but I was hoping that wouldn't detract so much from the sexy. Isn't some humor a turn on? Perhaps it needs to be applied in a different way?

And "no one wants to be fucked by a sausage or a disembodied alien penis creature"? Speak for yourself! LOL. Just kidding. No really, I've had erotic dreams about alien penises for sure. Maybe not sausages... but now I'm thinking...

Sorry, applying my own perversions misses the point doesn't it? I'll try to tone it down. But I still like the alien reference as this is a steampunk(ish) story. How about: "Marion suddenly had a vision of it being equine or part of some other strange creature, as it was on display without any identifiable part of a human attached."

In any case, thanks for the constructive feedback.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

Grammatically speaking, I found the first sentence needs restructure to make sense to me. I don't think she was 'fingering herself in sheer dismay'.
Try instead: 'and in sheer dismay, she forgot about fingering herself.'

Thanks, I've corrected that to "Marions jaw dropped at the size of Seth's tool, and she completely forgot about fingering herself."

I think the problem with the descriptions are two fold. First, you describe wine bottles and elephant penis', neither of which are believable in that the male body would not sustain an erection that large. Then, the comparison to her forearm is made, which is more believable naturally, but this woman's forearm must be huge if it compares to his penis which is compared to an elephant penis...(see where I'm going with this?) It's conflicting. (I personally wouldn't describe a woman with an arm that size to have a 'little' or 'delicate' pussy.)

Certainly, in fantasy you can exaggerate to whatever degree you like, but you asked for 'realistic' and this isn't it. The reality is that there are men who are extremely well endowed. (In my lifetime, I've met 4 and for me, much like the lady in your story, two of those were 'undo-able', completely impossible. Being familiar with farm-life, I would realistically compare them to the size of a stallion or a bull. Statistically speaking, one was over 13" in length and the other was over 12", the girth of both was indeed larger than my forearm, but I am a small woman.

In describing fantastical fantasy, you could use obvious exaggerations such as: 'He had a penis the size of a telephone pole.' Or 'fence-post'. Or 'like the Alaskan pipeline.' Obviously not possible, but yet they somehow get the point across without sounding comical. I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck with the story!

A little comedy was my intent, but I agree the comparison to a stallion or bull is better. I've made that change as well.

That is very helpful, thank you!

 

[holliday1960]

Thanks, I've corrected that to "Marions jaw dropped at the size of Seth's tool, and she completely forgot about fingering herself."



A little comedy was my intent, but I agree the comparison to a stallion or bull is better. I've made that change as well.

That is very helpful, thank you!

Glad it made sense to you. Like the way you rewrote that first sentence. Nice. Let me know when it posts. I'll look forward to reading it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

His manhood was the size of a large sausage. Bigger even. The size of a truncheon.

Sausages come in all sizes so they don't make good size references. My idea of a "large sausage" is rather larger than a truncheon, something like the ones on the left here:

http://www.aliadventures.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/P1100041a.jpg