BDSM - D/s & Monogomy

[Chris_Xavier]

If this has been discussed before, then I apologize but it struck me tonight that monogamy is not necessarily practiced in some, if not most bdsm - D/s relationships. Not making a judgment statement as I am an observation.

Why is that?

Why is it that some people struggle between maintaining their vanilla relationship when they discover their "dark side" while others blatantly or openly have no problem with more than sex partner?

An inquiring mind would like to know...

(and thanks in advance for your input).

 

[ecstaticsub]

Because sex is fun!! I like experiencing the different ways that different men feel, taste and act in bed.

However, lately my Dom has been very possesive and other than allowing me to have sex with my husband he doesn't share me very often. I am not allowed to have sex with others without him being there at all.

 

[xxCrystal4314xx]

I'm curious about this also. We are still monogamous, and apart from perhaps having threesomes in the future, I don't see us ever getting properly involved outside our marriage.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Dunno if I have the answers as it raises mixed feelings for me of which he is more than well aware and probably tired of hearing me mull over, question, discuss etc. We have included others in play, so far only males, but females are on the agenda. I am not hugely in favour of it for many reasons, but the most prevalent being I feel we have finally found the one we thought we never would in each other and by including others we are playing with fire in so many ways...I sort of see this imaginary being watching over us ready to strike disaster into our lives. I am not afraid of him or I becoming emotionally involved with another to a point of risking our own relationship and future, there are far more scary things than that. I also do not anticipate I will be as disturbed by his being sexually intimate with another as I will be over him having SM experiences with them. There are a few added reasons for why I am not so kind thinking about someone else getting the pain I love with him but I will not go into that.

The sexual experimentation is not an issue for me as I have already had more than my fair share of that before this relationship so sexually there is only one act we have discussed and none we have done to date which I had not already done before with someone.....for him there are some curiosities to see how he feels sexually with someone else now given the changes he has experienced in himself since meeting me. The lure is in playing out fantasies. We both have fantasies which involve other people and he sees this as a need to be explored...**** though it can be, I don't see it as a natural conclusion to reach. I think given the security I feel in this relationship that any negativity can be worked through to a positive outcome if emotions can be held in check. At this point there is also no plans to include others without both of us being present, and if possible, involved. Add to that we do not foresee us getting overly emotionally involved as in love or strong like as neither of us can envisage that with anyone else, nor do we have the energy it would require. And then there are also the complication our life is, so realistically involving others is at best likely to only work as a casual play partner. Who knows....I never say never, so I might end up embracing it with joy and passion but somehow I don't see that happening overnight if at all.

As to discussions of monogamy...I tend to always look at monogamy and fidelity as different states which do not necessarily have to operate together. Monogamy I do not necessarily have to have to be at peace (dependent I guess on how, when, who etc), but fidelity is something I require to remain at peace and happy in my relationship. Without it, I don't see a purpose in remaining together for myself...it works OK for others, just it doesn't work for me.

Catalina

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[intothewoods]

Well, at least as far as my bdsm group goes, it's very accepting of all different types of people. There's a strong contingent of poly people in the group, although poly means different things to different people. For some people it's just sex with others outside of the primary relationship. For some, it's dating outside the primary relationship. And then there are poly houses. And on and on. Different strokes for different folks, but all seem to be welcome in our group (provided you aren't a psycho).

 

[xxCrystal4314xx]

I definately agree with Catalina that there is a difference between monogamy and fidelity. Fidelity to me means either of us doing what (and who we please) provided the other one is completely comfortable with the new person involved and has the right and opportunity to prevent/stop the extra-martial activity.

 

[myinnerslut]

if you are in a BDSM relationship you are more likely to be kinky then your vanilla neighbor.

threesomes kinky. multiple partners are kinky. sharing is kinky.

who is more likely to try these things? the one who is already kinky or the one who isnt?

 

[Netzach]

Becoming aware of my interest in SM necessitated looking at the world outside my current relationship then. I thought to myself, I was never going to go through that again, and needed partners who could allow me to look outside for any reason. In turn, I could honestly extend the favor in the other direction just fine. Even with slaves/subs - I think H *should* date, for example, and I leave it to his discretion though I do give feedback and have veto power I've never had to use on that subject.

I think getting into SM when I did and under the circumstances I did *necessitated* thinking outside the frame of monogamy and finding I really like hearing about a partners' other interests, adventures, flames etc. as well as enjoying those who could enjoy that about me. I was just out to dinner with two of the men in my life who are local to me, happy as a clam. Walking home with my husband I said "you know it really turns me on to no end when I think people can correctly read you, stud, and I." He said "what do you mean?" And I said "as this bi threesome." And he said it turned him on too. I think we're legible like that, and I don't act ashamed of it and don't hesistate to play footsie with the men I love at one table.

 

[BiBunny]

I have some very controversial views about this, which I'm not going to share. I will say that I believe that most people are not cut out for poly, for whatever reason. As for me, my heart's not a finite object. It can expand limitlessly to let in as many people as can get past the walls I throw up. I love Kitty. I love my switchy/Domly boy. If I ever collar a sub, which I'd like to do, but don't foresee anytime in the near future, I will love him or her, too. I also love my friends, my family, my horses, and my cats, all in different ways.

I could never be in a relationship with anyone who couldn't respect this part of me. I did it for too long, and after hearing so many, "You've got to leave Kitty" ultimatums, even though she was there first, and I was totally upfront with him about her, I told him not the let the doorknob hit him in the ass on the way out. In Bunny world, jealousy is a useless wasted emotion, and the fastest way to push me (or anyone else) away from you is to be insecure and clingy. If YOU don't think you're worth keeping around, why should I?

 

[eastern sun]

I'm also finding that jealousy is a potentially potent element of this BDSM lifestlye, desired sometimes by the masochists and used to inflict pain/punishment/humiliation etc. by the sadists.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm also finding that jealousy is a potentially potent element of this BDSM lifestlye, desired sometimes by the masochists and used to inflict pain/punishment/humiliation etc. by the sadists.

That's different, though. That's FUN.

 

[Puman]

if you are in a BDSM relationship you are more likely to be kinky then your vanilla neighbor.

threesomes kinky. multiple partners are kinky. sharing is kinky.

who is more likely to try these things? the one who is already kinky or the one who isnt?

The one who's kinky will try these things with their partner/spouse's knowledge and consent (and probably participation). The 'vanilla' is more likely to sneak around and try these things without their partners' knowledge or consent... this is why open kinky relationships rule!

 

[skittles_lm]

if you are in a BDSM relationship you are more likely to be kinky then your vanilla neighbor.

threesomes kinky. multiple partners are kinky. sharing is kinky.

who is more likely to try these things? the one who is already kinky or the one who isnt?

exactly.

VQ and I have shared a girl or two in the past. It doesn't interfere with our relationship at all, and it's not an all-the-time thing. It spices things up once in awhile though. Even if we don't sleep with some hot girl, it's fun to talk about one or the other of us jumping her... *wanders off to daydream*

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Monogamy is culturally dictated and is easier to maintain for most people. ONE relationship is difficult enough to deal with.

Multiple relationships get exponentially more complicated, and from years of observation, I've come to the conclusion that most people are lazy fucks who don't like to do the work necessary to keep even one relationship happy and healthy.

Which is why culturally we have serial monogamy... multiple partners but one at a time, we keep one around while they are useful and discard them when they start becoming work... *sighs* De-valued humanity and the disposable mindset at work here.

As others have pointed, kinksters are already thinking "outside the box" so for SOME of us, poly is an easier to accept, better to work with alternative. And there are so many flavors and ways to do it.

Poly-fidelity... sexually open, D/s or SM monogoamy... M/s/s/s/s... Sexually monogamous but SM play open... The combinations are as diverse as the people involved and we're free to try things until we find what "works" for us and our partner(s).

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Monogamy is culturally dictated and is easier to maintain for most people. ONE relationship is difficult enough to deal with.

Multiple relationships get exponentially more complicated, and from years of observation, I've come to the conclusion that most people are lazy fucks who don't like to do the work necessary to keep even one relationship happy and healthy.

Which is why culturally we have serial monogamy... multiple partners but one at a time, we keep one around while they are useful and discard them when they start becoming work... *sighs* De-valued humanity and the disposable mindset at work here.

As others have pointed, kinksters are already thinking "outside the box" so for SOME of us, poly is an easier to accept, better to work with alternative. And there are so many flavors and ways to do it.

Poly-fidelity... sexually open, D/s or SM monogoamy... M/s/s/s/s... Sexually monogamous but SM play open... The combinations are as diverse as the people involved and we're free to try things until we find what "works" for us and our partner(s).

Comments like these that make all the asshat responses tolerable. Geoff, I appreciate the insight. Your ability to concisely express yourself does you great credit.

 

[amsubone]

This was so well said, thank you catalina for your thoughts.

As to discussions of monogamy...I tend to always look at monogamy and fidelity as different states which do not necessarily have to operate together. Monogamy I do not necessarily have to have to be at peace (dependent I guess on how, when, who etc), but fidelity is something I require to remain at peace and happy in my relationship. Without it, I don't see a purpose in remaining together for myself...it works OK for others, just it doesn't work for me.

 

[callinectes]

Huh. Well, I am a monogamist but I don't consider myself to be lazy. I'm just not made for poly. Those of you that are I say more power to you.

I do think kinksters are just as likely as the non-kinky to be lazy within relationships and trade partners willy-nilly. Just look around this board for numerous examples of such.

 

[His_pita]

Catalina in post #4 said almost exactly what I think and how I feel about my relationship.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Huh. Well, I am a monogamist but I don't consider myself to be lazy. I'm just not made for poly. Those of you that are I say more power to you.

I do think kinksters are just as likely as the non-kinky to be lazy within relationships and trade partners willy-nilly. Just look around this board for numerous examples of such.

Hi callinectes,

Please re-read what I said. I did NOT say people who prefer monogamy were lazy. I did NOT say people who were kinky are not lazy. NEITHER inference was implied. And I certainly didn't single out you. I said, and meant: ...from years of observation, I've come to the conclusion that most people are lazy fucks who don't like to do the work necessary to keep even one relationship happy and healthy.

And I've stated time and time and time again: People are people are people, whether they be kinky, vanilla, PYL/pyl, rich, poor, straight, not straight, poly, mono, swinging, whatever. We have a society with divorce rates upwards of 50% of all marriages failing. This doesn't even begin to cover the littered carcasses of failed relationships that never make it to the point of marriage. Vanilla or kink doesn't make a difference.

Successful long term relationships require WORK. They require commitment, they require determination, they require devotion from all parties involved. And I stand by my statement. Most people are too damned lazy to make a relationship work. If someone is too lazy to make a monogamous relationship work, they sure as all get out aren't going to make it in a poly. If _one_ person in the relationship isn't pulling their weight, it will fail. It might take months, it might take years, but eventually even the most committed will say "no mas!" and throw in the towel.

And sometimes, in spite of love, commitment, determination, work... the relationship stops meeting the needs of one or both or all, and thus it's a crap shoot, be it vanilla, kinky, monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, whatever. You pays for your ticket, you jumps on the ride and you sees where it takes you. We never know where or when it will end until we get there.

 

[callinectes]

Yes Geoff, you did say most and not all, etc. I'm just tired and bitchy and pissed off about something that nothing to do with Lit. You made some excellent points and I do appreciate them.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Yes Geoff, you did say most and not all, etc. I'm just tired and bitchy and pissed off about something that nothing to do with Lit. You made some excellent points and I do appreciate them.

I'm sorry you're angry and upset callinectes. I've been there before many times... Just in case you need one:

{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

 

[callinectes]

I'm sorry you're angry and upset callinectes. I've been there before many times... Just in case you need one:

{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

Thank you! A hug always helps.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

Hi callinectes,

Please re-read what I said. I did NOT say people who prefer monogamy were lazy. I did NOT say people who were kinky are not lazy. NEITHER inference was implied. And I certainly didn't single out you. I said, and meant: ...from years of observation, I've come to the conclusion that most people are lazy fucks who don't like to do the work necessary to keep even one relationship happy and healthy.

And I've stated time and time and time again: People are people are people, whether they be kinky, vanilla, PYL/pyl, rich, poor, straight, not straight, poly, mono, swinging, whatever. We have a society with divorce rates upwards of 50% of all marriages failing. This doesn't even begin to cover the littered carcasses of failed relationships that never make it to the point of marriage. Vanilla or kink doesn't make a difference.

Successful long term relationships require WORK. They require commitment, they require determination, they require devotion from all parties involved. And I stand by my statement. Most people are too damned lazy to make a relationship work. If someone is too lazy to make a monogamous relationship work, they sure as all get out aren't going to make it in a poly. If _one_ person in the relationship isn't pulling their weight, it will fail. It might take months, it might take years, but eventually even the most committed will say "no mas!" and throw in the towel.

And sometimes, in spite of love, commitment, determination, work... the relationship stops meeting the needs of one or both or all, and thus it's a crap shoot, be it vanilla, kinky, monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, whatever. You pays for your ticket, you jumps on the ride and you sees where it takes you. We never know where or when it will end until we get there.

The WORK needed in a relationship is SO true. We talk about communicating in BDSM all the time, and that is part of it, but I totally agree with EG that it is WORK -- for any relationship -- by both people, regardless of role / orientation. Any relationship - 'nilla or kinky -- involves compromise, change and growth from the people involved. Nothing good comes just because two people are together and think they're being themself with the other person or people in the relationship.

All I have is my personal experience -- the D/s dynamic when D insists on full, open and honest discussion works best for me/mine. My observation of the world around me/us is that it doesn't happen often enough. EG says lazy in taking care of relationships -- and I don't disagree. I think there is also some fear about speaking your mind -- what if they don't like it, will I be alone? What if it doesn't work?

Just my personal experience here, but you need to be ready for that every day... The person you most need to have a relationship with is yourself, and that takes even more work. If you're afraid to be alone with yourself, you probably aren't really ready to be in any other relationship. And when you are ready to be alone and happy with yourself you are much more ready and available for a relationship with someone else... Because you know that if you do the work and it still falls apart you're going to be fine... That lets you do everything you can do in the relationship because you know that if it doesn't work you will still be happy because you have yourself to hug -- and you like hugging yourself.

And in a poly relationship I would say the need for each person to know that isn't just doubled it increases by an order of magnitude.. I have found the same is true for consensual multiple relationships.

 

[satindesire]

I've never really been able to separate love from sex, and I don't think I could ever halve my heart for someone else. I am a very extreme person, in my life I cannot tolerate a gray area. Things are VERY black and white for me, so monogamy is my only option ^_^. I am certainly not complaining though...my Sir is one of the biggest and most wonderful blessings I have!

There are certain aspects about a non-monogamous life I envy. The excitement of dating and flirting with new people is very fun and rewarding!!