BDSM D/s and handicaps

[Shadowsdream]

I have been working with a lovely woman with cerebral palsy for almost one year now. When I first met her what stood out the most to Me was how difficult it was to understand her when she spoke. The wheelchair and the broken body meant no more than that I had to kneel beside her to look into her eyes if I did not want her straining her neck to attain eye contact.

The third time we spoke she asked Me if I would help her to explore her Domme side and I was delighted with her spirit and intrigued by her desire. The rest is history. There is not a major play party that goes by that I am not at her side both assisting her with My toys but also beating her sub for her while she holds his leash. But I digress...

Due to a request from her made almost 6 months ago I now begin the preparation to give a seminar to a room full of severly handicapped to those more minimumly afflicted with stiff joints to low self esteem. Handicaps are not only in the body as we all know.

My research begins and so I ask of you, My friends, both subs and Dom/mes, the afflicted or the partner of the afflicted, to join Me in a new conversation about adapting BDSM and D/s to enrich and move forward in our kinks.

 

[graceanne]

Well, I am disabled in other ways than the obvious. I have crohns disease, diabetes, arthritis, asthma, and scoliosis. The way it affects my life?

There are many things I can't do. Anal sex, anything that puts too much stress on my joints, or back. I also get sick at the drop of a hat, so I'm lucky enough that my hubby is also quite cabable of being a good caregiver, because their are times when just standing up is all it takes to make me pass out.

 

[RJMasters]

I have been working with a lovely woman with cerebral palsy for almost one year now. When I first met her what stood out the most to Me was how difficult it was to understand her when she spoke. The wheelchair and the broken body meant no more than that I had to kneel beside her to look into her eyes if I did not want her straining her neck to attain eye contact.

The third time we spoke she asked Me if I would help her to explore her Domme side and I was delighted with her spirit and intrigued by her desire. The rest is history. There is not a major play party that goes by that I am not at her side both assisting her with My toys but also beating her sub for her while she holds his leash. But I digress...

Due to a request from her made almost 6 months ago I now begin the preparation to give a seminar to a room full of severly handicapped to those more minimumly afflicted with stiff joints to low self esteem. Handicaps are not only in the body as we all know.

My research begins and so I ask of you, My friends, both subs and Dom/mes, the afflicted or the partner of the afflicted, to join Me in a new conversation about adapting BDSM and D/s to enrich and move forward in our kinks.

I think what could be interesting is how to setup communication spoken/visual. As you mentioned in your post, that sometimes it can be difficult to understand, which is all the more reason to develop and practice a system of communication, which can be verbal or a simple tap of a finger to produce results. Regardless of health or handicap, anyone who wishes to participate in a BDSM act, requires the ability to give a command clearly, so that the one who receives such a command may understand and obey accurately.

 

[Raeth]

Great topic!

I don't have any major handicaps and neither does my spouse... but even so I think everyone could learn something from this.

Every case is going to be different in many ways, so I imagine the main thing people need is to be understanding of people that have a disability, and willing to learn and compromise. Which are things most of us probably do on a regular basis, everyone has limits, these limits are just forced because of a handicap.

I think the other part is for the ones dealing with a condition or disability. They need to learn how to be forthcoming and comfortable with their needs, what they are willing and able to participate in.

As long as the parties involved understand each other... they should be able to find where they fit in.

Good luck with your research and the seminar. I'm sure it will go over well.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Well, I am disabled in other ways than the obvious. I have crohns disease, diabetes, arthritis, asthma, and scoliosis. The way it affects my life?

There are many things I can't do. Anal sex, anything that puts too much stress on my joints, or back. I also get sick at the drop of a hat, so I'm lucky enough that my hubby is also quite cabable of being a good caregiver, because their are times when just standing up is all it takes to make me pass out.

Thank you graceanne for joining this very important conversation.

Empathy and compassion coupled with the knowledge of each affliction obviously assists you and your husband in this journey that you travel. 3 very important requirements as you have pointed out so simply. ~~smile~~

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: BDSM D/s and handicaps

I think what could be interesting is how to setup communication spoken/visual. As you mentioned in your post, that sometimes it can be difficult to understand, which is all the more reason to develop and practice a system of communication, which can be verbal or a simple tap of a finger to produce results. Regardless of health or handicap, anyone who wishes to participate in a BDSM act, requires the ability to give a command clearly, so that the one who receives such a command may understand and obey accurately.

Thank You for joining the conversation RJ...one of the things I like the most about Your response is that this form of communication is not only valid for the handicapped that require it as well as there SO's but is valid in the general BDSM play scenerios as well. Therefore to incorporate the knowledge into a seminar shows more how all are similar rather than diverse.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Great topic!

I don't have any major handicaps and neither does my spouse... but even so I think everyone could learn something from this.

Every case is going to be different in many ways, so I imagine the main thing people need is to be understanding of people that have a disability, and willing to learn and compromise. Which are things most of us probably do on a regular basis, everyone has limits, these limits are just forced because of a handicap.

I think the other part is for the ones dealing with a condition or disability. They need to learn how to be forthcoming and comfortable with their needs, what they are willing and able to participate in.

As long as the parties involved understand each other... they should be able to find where they fit in.

Good luck with your research and the seminar. I'm sure it will go over well.

Hello Raeth and thank you for joining the conversation.

It would be My hope that facing the obvious that handicaps have hurt opportunity for those already limited will open more doors. As you have mentioned W/we all have limits some compounded some not. Yet those who pussyfoot around the physical limitations rather than adapt a more empathetic or creative solution are the ones who lose as well.

 

[dolf]

the first thing i thought of when i read this was kinda odd...
there are specific books/classes i believe, teaching dog training to the handicapped...there are ways of giving orders/punishment/reward that don't depend on a strong voice or a healthy body.

ok, i'm just being wierd now...must remember that not everyone sees everybody as dogs

xx

 

[RJMasters]

Re: Re: Re: BDSM D/s and handicaps

Thank You for joining the conversation RJ...one of the things I like the most about Your response is that this form of communication is not only valid for the handicapped that require it as well as there SO's but is valid in the general BDSM play scenerios as well. Therefore to incorporate the knowledge into a seminar shows more how all are similar rather than diverse.

Tips hat to SD, smiles. I think one aspect of this topic which is incredibly hot for me...is what I call the "focus". Simply the attentiveness or the focus which must be maintained by the submissive. Having to wait...for the next signal or command as they stare at your hand.

Preparation/practice of such communication is required beforehand "not during", so it is an important note, to schedule a communication session before hand if you know communication may be a problem.

Just like when communication fails in any relationship....people can get hurt or embarrassed. It is therefore important we be responsible to ensure clear communication and take whatever steps neccessary to make that happen.

I enjoyed your other thread, just didn't have anything to add that others hadn't already suggested. Good luck and warm wishes to you SD.

 

[graceanne]

On a different point, he also has to deal with depression on my side. It's very hard for me, feeling the need to serve, but knowing that I can't, in a lot of ways.

K really like bondage, but anything but the most simple ways are impossible, not if he wants me to be able to walk afterward. My body just doesn't bend well.

My jobs are to take care of the kids and the house and K, but when I'm sick he has to take care of the house. I can't. He also has to do take care of himself when I'm really sick, because I get dizzy so easily. I can't get him a drink, I can't find his book, etc. Not to mention that sex goes out the window.

I am so lucky to have him. Most men would not respond well to being with someone who isn't always able to uphold their end of the bargain.

 

[Shadowsdream]

the first thing i thought of when i read this was kinda odd...
there are specific books/classes i believe, teaching dog training to the handicapped...there are ways of giving orders/punishment/reward that don't depend on a strong voice or a healthy body.

ok, i'm just being wierd now...must remember that not everyone sees everybody as dogs

xx

~~grin~~ but then again some of Us do!

Thank you for joining the conversation and your suggestion and info is very valid.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: BDSM D/s and handicaps

Tips hat to SD, smiles. I think one aspect of this topic which is incredibly hot for me...is what I call the "focus". Simply the attentiveness or the focus which must be maintained by the submissive. Having to wait...for the next signal or command as they stare at your hand.

Preparation/practice of such communication is required beforehand "not during", so it is an important note, to schedule a communication session before hand if you know communication may be a problem.

Just like when communication fails in any relationship....people can get hurt or embarrassed. It is therefore important we be responsible to ensure clear communication and take whatever steps neccessary to make that happen.

I enjoyed your other thread, just didn't have anything to add that others hadn't already suggested. Good luck and warm wishes to you SD.

I also believe that it takes a lot of preplanning and training before many aspects of trainings can run smoothly. Knowing what to expect, anticipation and patience give comfort on both sides of the whip.

Thank You RJ for articulating other aspects other than simply acts..such as embarrassment and hurt.

Communication..communication and then more communication.

 

[Shadowsdream]

On a different point, he also has to deal with depression on my side. It's very hard for me, feeling the need to serve, but knowing that I can't, in a lot of ways.

K really like bondage, but anything but the most simple ways are impossible, not if he wants me to be able to walk afterward. My body just doesn't bend well.

My jobs are to take care of the kids and the house and K, but when I'm sick he has to take care of the house. I can't. He also has to do take care of himself when I'm really sick, because I get dizzy so easily. I can't get him a drink, I can't find his book, etc. Not to mention that sex goes out the window.

I am so lucky to have him. Most men would not respond well to being with someone who isn't always able to uphold their end of the bargain.

graceanne I truly thank you for speaking so much from your personal perspective. For through your comments I validate many of My teaching concerns. One of the biggest lessons I have passed on is the removal of guilt to the submissive who wants to be able to perform even the simplest kneel but unable to do so. Guilt is not productive but without its specific removal it simply breeds and becomes a monster. Of course the Dominant that cannot perform in all of the "standard" ways also deals with guilt.

 

[snowy ciara]

Hi Ms Shadowsdream..

I probably can't help you on the physical aspects, but I'm adhd. I've managed to control it without drugs, but it's been a struggle. To say that I'm regimental in my daily life is an understatement! I am currently PYL-less, (never had one yet actually) but I've thought alot about how this is going to affect future relationships. I haven't gotten anything conclusive laid out because I'm still figuring this stuff out. It's getting to the point where I need to quit pondering and start doing, though. Anyone got a LARGE dose of courage I can borrow?

Anyhoo.. If you have any questions about managing this sort of thing, please let me know, and I'll do the best I can.

 

[Netzach]

Bottom line is a lot of communication and explicit, clear explanation of "can and can't" with equal emphasis on BOTH aspects. I've played with disabled and chronically ill people and to me and to them, emphasizing their interests and desires in negotiation is very important -- their disabilities usually get the spotlight most of the time. They are constantly being defined by what they can't do. If you have no intent to *use* a disabled bottom, discipline one, expect things from them, create intensity, why are you playing?


It's important to cover medical and physical needs, and clarity is key, reiteration is important, saying something once usually does not mean it will be remembered, saying it 3 times almost guarantees it will be. Both parties have to be on guard and clear -- negotiations about medical issues always matter, here they just matter all that much more.

 

[graceanne]

Bottom line is a lot of communication and explicit, clear explanation of "can and can't" with equal emphasis on BOTH aspects. I've played with disabled and chronically ill people and to me and to them, emphasizing their interests and desires in negotiation is very important -- their disabilities usually get the spotlight most of the time. They are constantly being defined by what they can't do. If you have no intent to *use* a disabled bottom, discipline one, expect things from them, create intensity, why are you playing?

personally I think that it's selfishness. If all you're interested in is your own personal gratification, then you are going to avoid people with limits placed by their health.

 

[Miss Diva]

It's getting to the point where I need to quit pondering and start doing, though. Anyone got a LARGE dose of courage I can borrow?

Follow the Nike slogo: JUST DO IT. It will not hurt.

 

[Bandit58]

There seems to be a lot of resources out there for Dominants with subs with disabilities, but not so much for subs whose Masters are disabled. Those of you who have read any of my posts here may know that my Master has chronic ill health and because of that my training has been limited. He does feel badly about that but in a way it has been a good thing, because I am still a novice and we have been able to take things at a slower pace than we might otherwise have done.

I can relate to a lot of what graceanne has said, sometimes Master feels so ill He cannot do much of anything.....including sexually which has also made Him feel inadequate. Sometimes He orders me to pleasure myself while He watches and holds me. Other times He will lie down and I will give Him a blowjob. Still other times just being in His arms is enough, with His hand on my head I feel like a precious and special pet. Each day is different, some days He has more energy and then....

 

[Netzach]

personally I think that it's selfishness. If all you're interested in is your own personal gratification, then you are going to avoid people with limits placed by their health.

Definitely. I'm saying it's important to know and operate within those limits, and accept the body/mind as they are if you are going to engage someone. I mean that treating someone as more incapable than they actually are is an insult and that bottoms needing acommodations still fantasize and desire -- bottoming.

it's up to you, as a top to create the experience that's needed, to find the alternate route, to care enough about that other person to make the magic happen.

 

[Netzach]

arg

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hi Ms Shadowsdream..

I probably can't help you on the physical aspects, but I'm adhd. I've managed to control it without drugs, but it's been a struggle. To say that I'm regimental in my daily life is an understatement! I am currently PYL-less, (never had one yet actually) but I've thought alot about how this is going to affect future relationships. I haven't gotten anything conclusive laid out because I'm still figuring this stuff out. It's getting to the point where I need to quit pondering and start doing, though. Anyone got a LARGE dose of courage I can borrow?

Anyhoo.. If you have any questions about managing this sort of thing, please let me know, and I'll do the best I can.

Hello ciara

Thank you for identifying another condition that can be viewed as a handicap that must be understood and considered when playing in or living the lifestyle. ADHD is one of the conditions I personally had not even thought of as an issue for My seminar and so am extra pleased to now have the opportunity to learn more about working within that sphere as well.
Could you tell Me what might be the single most important aspect that could make or break a play?

 

[Shadowsdream]

Bottom line is a lot of communication and explicit, clear explanation of "can and can't" with equal emphasis on BOTH aspects. I've played with disabled and chronically ill people and to me and to them, emphasizing their interests and desires in negotiation is very important -- their disabilities usually get the spotlight most of the time. They are constantly being defined by what they can't do. If you have no intent to *use* a disabled bottom, discipline one, expect things from them, create intensity, why are you playing?


It's important to cover medical and physical needs, and clarity is key, reiteration is important, saying something once usually does not mean it will be remembered, saying it 3 times almost guarantees it will be. Both parties have to be on guard and clear -- negotiations about medical issues always matter, here they just matter all that much more.

Can and can'ts must be made clear in a BDSM relationship as well as sharing the knowledge of all medications and whatever side effects they may have.

I am a believer that many of the "can'ts" have the potential to be
"cans" with the right twists to make them possible. Point in fact...a Dom I mentor, that is wheelchair bound, would appear to be totally unable to physically dominate. I have taken her through the experience of holding and using many of My toys in a way that shows her exactly which ones would never be possible to the ones that she can use to an extent that allows her the freedom of play and satisfies her boy.

Have You found any ways in particular that adjusting can change a can't to a can?

~~smile~~ Thank You for coming in from a Domme point of view.

 

[Shadowsdream]

There seems to be a lot of resources out there for Dominants with subs with disabilities, but not so much for subs whose Masters are disabled. Those of you who have read any of my posts here may know that my Master has chronic ill health and because of that my training has been limited. He does feel badly about that but in a way it has been a good thing, because I am still a novice and we have been able to take things at a slower pace than we might otherwise have done.

I can relate to a lot of what graceanne has said, sometimes Master feels so ill He cannot do much of anything.....including sexually which has also made Him feel inadequate. Sometimes He orders me to pleasure myself while He watches and holds me. Other times He will lie down and I will give Him a blowjob. Still other times just being in His arms is enough, with His hand on my head I feel like a precious and special pet. Each day is different, some days He has more energy and then....

Hello Bandit and thank you for joining this conversation and allowing it to go in another direction.

It is both the disabled submissive and Dominant issues that I will be covering as both sides of the whip are equaly susceptable to real life.

you give many good examples of how He still Dominates you and how His Domination feels to you. I am very interested in discussing the emotional and psychological sides of dealing with afflictions that limit and cause insecurities and guilt. In fact it is these very issues that began My quest to help both sides understand how to move forward and cope.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Definitely. I'm saying it's important to know and operate within those limits, and accept the body/mind as they are if you are going to engage someone. I mean that treating someone as more incapable than they actually are is an insult and that bottoms needing acommodations still fantasize and desire -- bottoming.

it's up to you, as a top to create the experience that's needed, to find the alternate route, to care enough about that other person to make the magic happen.

BRAVO!

Well said for it is very easy to FEEL more incapable as time goes on yet it is a real freedom to know that you really can push further than you or your partner may understand...all the way to freedom.

 

[Netzach]

Can and can'ts must be made clear in a BDSM relationship as well as sharing the knowledge of all medications and whatever side effects they may have.

I am a believer that many of the "can'ts" have the potential to be
"cans" with the right twists to make them possible. Point in fact...a Dom I mentor, that is wheelchair bound, would appear to be totally unable to physically dominate. I have taken her through the experience of holding and using many of My toys in a way that shows her exactly which ones would never be possible to the ones that she can use to an extent that allows her the freedom of play and satisfies her boy.

Have You found any ways in particular that adjusting can change a can't to a can?

~~smile~~ Thank You for coming in from a Domme point of view.

I have a switch friend with a severe limitation to the use of her arms. Her own adjustment as a Top was to befriend the clamp and the hemostat and she used both positively mercilessly, creating predicaments and scenes with only those tools.