Bar Scene...first story!

[Brunnette85]

Could I perhaps get some feedback on this story introduction? I'd appreciate it! hopefully it's enjoyable for some..

I walk into a dark, smoky bar, a little apprehensive because I'm going alone. I tug at my tight, short black skirt a little...it just barely covers my ass, and I'm wearing just a black thong underneath, so I'm feeling a little self-conscious. Then I see your eyes, looking me over from across the room, and I feel even more nervous, so I walk quickly to the bathroom, now feeling your eyes on my legs and ass.

In the bathroom, I check my makeup, comb through my hair, and adjust my low-cut shirt to make sure my bra isn't showing over the top of the neckline. Looking at myself, my breasts displayed for all to see, wearing a scandalous little skirt, I begin to feel more confident. Now I remember why I wore such a slutty little outfit...because I love it when men stare at me and want to use me like a plaything...and now my thoughts return to you, and I feel my pussy starting to get a little wet just thinking about your stares.

I walk out of the bathroom, planning to walk over to you at the other side of the bar, but I gasp when I see you standing just a few feet away from the bathroom door in a darkened corner, staring at me lustily. Suddenly I lose a little of my confidence because of your surprise, and in that moment you take a few steps towards me and you tell me how hot I look tonight. Unable to speak, I just bite my lip as you start to stroke my neck gently with one of your hands, shamelessly staring at my tits. When you guide me so that my back is against the cool wall and pin my shoulder there with your strong arm, I give in to you completely...I put my arms around your neck and kiss you, pressing my tits into your chest a little, trying to find your tongue with mine. then I feel your cool hands on the warm, smooth skin of my back as you sneak them up my shirt. I moan like a slut as you press your hips gently into mine, letting me feel your growing erection...

 

[Singularity]

Some Quick Thoughts

I would change the "I/you" approach to make it third-person (she/he). If you are the "I". give yourself a name and use it along with the "she".

The second paragraph conflicts a bit with the first. In the first one, the girl is apprehensive and self-conscious about her outfit, while in the second she remembers that she "wore such a slutty little outfit...because I love it when men stare at me and want to use me like a plaything"

There's not a lot of transition there, for her mood and attitude to change so much, so fast.

The phrase "I feel my pussy starting to get a little wet just thinking about your stares" is a bit awkward. How about "I feel my pussy starting to get a little wet just thinking about how you stare at me when I am dressed this way." or something like that.

I would try to work some dialog into paragraph three and break it up with his words and yours, when he surprises you (this is another advantage of third person - it makes it easier to insert dialog). Even without dialog, I would split the last paragraph into at least two.


Singularity

 

[kinkynkazoo]

first story reply

I have to agree... the woman (you) goes from self concious to self confident back to self concious again.

A lot of readers have commented on the 2nd person vs. 3rd person way of writing...

I assume that this is something that you wrote for a specific individual, which for them was probably interesting, however, as a ready of your story, I might find it more interesting if you at least gave a description of your personal looks..

Something like this...

I look at myself in the mirror, my long dark hair just past shoulder length and think to myself, I look hot, as I adjust my low cut shirt that perfectly accentuates my breasts.

Or something like that... I'm no writer, so there are more qualified people to offer advise then me. Good luck with the story tho... lit.com seems to take their time when approving a story. I've got 3 posted so fare and about 25 in the works (need editing-lol)

-kaz-

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I walk out of the bathroom, planning to walk over to you at the other side of the bar, but I gasp when I see you standing just a few feet away from the bathroom door in a darkened corner, staring at me lustily. Suddenly I lose a little of my confidence because of your surprise, and in that moment you ...

Put me with Singularity and Kinkynkazoo. I've gotten to the point where I just can't read second person stories at all anymore. It just screams "amateur" to me.

I'm also a little concerned that you're not quite sure of what you want to say, or else maybe you're not saying it right. Look at the excerpt above. She comes out of the bathroom expecting to see this guy at the bar, but he's standing nearer the bathroom than she'd thought. Would that really make her gasp? Maybe if he were standing with his face against the door so he startled her, otherwsie I think her reaction would be less extreme. Maybe her heart would skip a beat, maybe she'd feel a sudden flush of excitement, but I'd save my gasping for something more startling

"Suddenly I lose a little of my confidence because of your surprise..."
I think what you mean is that she loses confidence because she's surprised to see him there, but it sounds like she loses confidence because he's suprised, as in "imagine my surprise when I opened the door..."

This seems like niggly stuff, I know, but details like this are essential to story believability.

I'm also worried that you go from the bathroom to some heavy petting all in one paragraph. I think you're using ellipses (...) instead of starting a new paragraph.

I don't mean to be all negative. Obviously you're capable of some nice concrete sensual imagery--feeling the cold of the wall on your back, for instance--and that's the kind of thing that really brings a story to life, in my opinion. So I think you've got the tools, and your mechanics, aside from the paragraph thing, are good.

Really, if you went to first- or third-person it would help sharpen your imagery and description (it's always better when you can show what a character's feeling than when you have to just come out and say it) and you could have the start of a sexy little story here.

---dr.M.