Baptism .... first post for me

[Guest]

This is my first post here so bear (bare?) with me.

I was reading through past posts and appreciated Unmasked Poet's critiques of several poems.

I decided to post this, not because it's good but just looking for some feedback. I'd like to learn more in order to improve writing skills.

This came to me while driving home one afternoon, inspired by my sweetest azure poet.




Baptism

Ethereal love conceived in golden destiny

Cleanse my immured mind with the grace of your velvet breath
Bathe my eyes in the storm of your glistening aura
Wash my heart with your deepest blu spell
Seep my soul in the aroma of your red passion

Only then shall my languished heart find sanctuary
I will be blessed
Released from my pain and sins
You shall save me




your dawn

 

[_Land]

This is my first post here so bear (bare?) with me.

I was reading through past posts and appreciated Unmasked Poet's critiques of several poems.

I decided to post this, not because it's good but just looking for some feedback. I'd like to learn more in order to improve writing skills.

This came to me while driving home one afternoon, inspired by my sweetest azure poet.




Baptism

Ethereal love conceived in golden destiny

Cleanse my immured mind with the grace of your velvet breath
Bathe my eyes in the storm of your glistening aura
Wash my heart with your deepest blu spell
Seep my soul in the aroma of your red passion

Only then shall my languished heart find sanctuary
I will be blessed
Released from my pain and sins
You shall save me




your dawn

Here are a couple suggestions, It is a lovely poem i prefer shorter format. aloowing the reader more pause to take in what you have written
________________________________________

Baptism



in golden destiny
Ethereal love conceived

Cleanse my immured mind
With grace from your velvet breath
My Eyes, bathe in the storm
Of your glistening aura

Wash my heart with
Your deepest blu spell(blu? define i think your speaking of their eyes )
Seep my soul in the
Fragrance of your passion(fragrance is a better word)

then shall my languished
Heart find sanctuary
I will be blessed
Released from pain and sins


(Need a seperator here, it needs more definition to fit in to the context of your last stanza build on this)
You shall save me

 

[Guest]

thanks for your thoughts

it was quite helpful to get another POV.

I dont know why I didn't think to shorten each line. I can see how it improves readabilty. I also like the rephrasing suggestion.

I chose to incorporate his nickname - blu (actual spelling) as my tribute/reference to him, which also plays in with the idea of using colors.

Through the suggested restructuring, i just noticed I used "heart" a bit repetitively. Not sure how I like that, unless ok otherwise? If so, I'm not sure about breaking up 'languished' and droppng 'heart' down to the next line. Seems awkward?

I'll work on that last stanza.

Thank you so much for your comments! This was very helpful to me.

KDawn

 

[_Land]

Re: thanks for your thoughts

Often it takes time to overlook our writing to see our writiing, LOL
Cant wait to see some more poems from you
Thank you for taking the time to share _Land

it was quite helpful to get another POV.

I dont know why I didn't think to shorten each line. I can see how it improves readabilty. I also like the rephrasing suggestion.

I chose to incorporate his nickname - blu (actual spelling) as my tribute/reference to him, which also plays in with the idea of using colors.

Through the suggested restructuring, i just noticed I used "heart" a bit repetitively. Not sure how I like that, unless ok otherwise? If so, I'm not sure about breaking up 'languished' and droppng 'heart' down to the next line. Seems awkward?

I'll work on that last stanza.

Thank you so much for your comments! This was very helpful to me.

KDawn

 

[_Land]

then shall my heart,
languished,
find sanctuary
I will be blessed
Released from pain and sins



Perhaps this way using the pause to reflect on the languished or some such usage would work Regards_Land

 

[Elda Furry]

One question

You have "Bathe my eyes" "Wash my heart" and "Seep my soul." Do you mean "steep" my soul? Steep means to soak, and I thought that would make more sense with bathe and wash.

Nice poem. Welcome to the board.