Bad Simile Fun

[Striknine]

Overall, similes annoy me to no end and I thought it would be fun to come up with the sorts of things that would make me drop-kick a book across the room.

Here's my attempts:

The flames leapt into the night sky like Hell-born interpretive dancers.

The rain pummeled the earth like thousands of mosquitos attacking a blood-fat leech.

His hips swung between her thighs like a boxer landing a knockout blow.

Gale's generous ass moved in her pants like two beach balls riding a vigorous sea current.

Paul punched him in the face like an angry person.

He wore an odd assortement of clothes, like a clown with an attitude problem.

 

[kimbalee]

Overall, similes annoy me to no end and I thought it would be fun to come up with the sorts of things that would make me drop-kick a book across the room.

Here's my attempts:

The flames leapt into the night sky like Hell-born interpretive dancers.

The rain pummeled the earth like thousands of mosquitos attacking a blood-fat leech.

His hips swung between her thighs like a boxer landing a knockout blow.

Gale's generous ass moved in her pants like two beach balls riding a vigorous sea current.

Paul punched him in the face like an angry person.

He wore an odd assortement of clothes, like a clown with an attitude problem.

Hah! lol at that one... angry people punch things? since when? hahahahah!

 

[cloudy]

Paul punched him in the face like an angry person

Not a simile. Not even a metaphor.

 

[glynndah]

Cut and Pasted from TopFive.com


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Occasionally, we like do long, wordy, more literate lists.
This, then, would be one of those times. So sit back,
get a nice hot cup of tea and a scone, and enjoy...


The Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes


20. Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.

19. When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.

18. The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.

17. The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.

16. As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check.

15. The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.

14. His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long.

13. Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.

12. The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.

11. From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user.

10. The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?

9. There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

8. Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell.

7. The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.

6. A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation.

5. His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff.

4. Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to foxtrot just to maintain eye contact.

3. She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

2. The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping.

and the Number 1 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1. Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.

 

[glynndah]

And some more, supposedly written by high school English students.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

[jomar]

Her passion burst forth like snot from a sneeze.

 

[jomar]

1. Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.

Awesome.