Bad...BAD...Joke Inside...(You HAVE Been Warned)

[Isolde]

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand
is purple. He can't believe it! The sky is purple. He
walks around
a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and
purple
fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that
his skin
is starting to turn purple too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!

 

[morninggirl5]

Bad, Bad, Bad Isolde

 

[Isolde]

*drops head in shame and slinks out of thread*

 

[gleam]

Those who are for putting a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa argue that there's no point in having the inclination if you don't have the time.

 

[Isolde]

I know I am dragging up an old thread but....

I figured I would keep all my bad jokes together...


Which One To Choose?
====================

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide
which of them to marry.
Finally he went to a marriage counselor.
When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a
great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't
decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

 

[Bluenose]

OMG they are bad bad bad

 

[MysteryJKR]

*runs and jumps into the shower* still not clean.. must get dirt off of me.. *scrubs hard*


lol. isolde babe!! *hugs you* im gonna let ya slide for this thread. lol. *zips lips*

 

[Isolde]

Ahhh, who wants a bunch of good threads anyway...LOL...


Bluenose..love the av..whew! Heats me up something aweful..

Mystery....*grabs you and hugs you before you can get out of the shower and then runs off*

Hah! That will teach you to jump in and imply my threads arent good...

 

[Isolde]

I Got This One From Desert Amazon...

and HAD to post it for you guys....

Great Joke DA!

*****************************
Isolde,

I was going to post this on your bad joke thread, but here, you can if you like... silly but it made me chuckle.

Robo-Temp

"Did you see my new secretary?" asked the businessman.

"Yeah," his buddy replied, "she's gorgeous."

"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

"If you squeeze her left breast she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right breast she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."

"Sounds perfect."

"Almost perfect, but I almost got hurt once, though."

"How?" asked his buddy.

"Well," grimaced the businessman, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."

 

[willywanker]

Laughing my ass off.....

That "pencil Sharpener" would have gotten me in trouble too.

 

[morninggirl5]

Okay willy, I just got this one and thought of you immediately.

A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

 

[Stonedagger]

Hey this last one

needs to be taken out of this thread it was actually really funny!!

 

[Samuari]

I may have posted this before. If I did, my apologies to the Board.

Once upon a time there lived Good King Ralph, a bear.. Ralph had very high standards for his Knights, but if you qualified, he treated you very well, and your family would rich for generations. Since the position was so lucrative, Ralph interviewed all the applicants himself. The catch was that he killed all the ones that didn’t pass. All was not lost, how ever. He generously gave to each family of the unsuccessful knight one of his very valuable dogs from his royal kennels.

So when mourning after a bad knight, you get the dog of the bear that bit you.

 

[Samuari]

Well it is Punday.

 

[The_old_man]

Samuari



Now all we need is a 'Fireside fillmore night'

I read Spider too.

 

[Isolde]

MG gets points for hers but Dagger, hon, that one was worse than mine and thats BAAAAAADDDD!

 

[morninggirl5]

I got points!

I got points! Now what can I trade them for?

 

[Samuari]

Samuari



Now all we need is a 'Fireside fillmore night'

I read Spider too.

WOOO WHO! Another Spider fan, now I'm going have watch which jokes I retell here.

 

[willywanker]

MorningGirl???????

I'm glad you thought of me but which part made you think of me?

I'm sure hoping it wasn't the "F" in sex!! LOL

 

[willywanker]

Viagra Anyone?

Morris, an old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his
coat. His wife Shirley said "Where are you going ?" He said "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater too, and he said "Where are you going?"

Shirley said "I'm going to the doctor too". Morris said "Why?" She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot"

 

[Shylady]

lol Willy you get me everytime.

Isolde I think you and I share the same taste in jokes, that should scare you

 

[willywanker]

Two tall trees in the woods were discussing which tree was the
grandest of all, the OAK or the MAPLE. This discussion went on for days on end with no result. Then one morning when the trees awoke, there between them was a fine young sapling growing.

Of course the mighty OAK claimed the young tree to be his right away. But the old Maple quickly put off that notion as nonsense claiming the youngster as his own Maple offspring.

After many hours of argument they decided to call in the wise old owl to settle the argument once and for all. The wise old owl said, well boys this is a job for the woodpecker. He has the knowledge of all tree types. So they called in the woodpecker, who quickly flew straight to the young sapling and began pecking. After what seemed like hours of anticipation for the mighty OAK and Maple.

The woodpecker finally flew up to give his verdict. Well he said it
is not and OAK. The MAPLE swelled out his branches and said "huh" But then the woodpecker said it's not a MAPLE either.Then the Maple said well what the heck is it?

Well, said the woodpecker, It's got to be the nicest piece of young ASH I've had my pecker in in a long time.......................

 

[Neale]

Oh, th' humanity of it!

*grabs Thorr's sword from him, and falls upon it gratefully*

Goodbye, cruel world!

But, before I go...

How do you tell a monster from a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws.
The other has a pause at the end of its clause.

 

[Isolde]

*Groans*

Shylady....if these jokes dont scare me away, nothing will...LOL

 

[morninggirl5]

Damn, must have been severe PMS

Applying to be a CIA Assassin

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"